The First Red Flag..
The First Red Flag..
Having 20/20 hindsight I want to share this story. If it prevents one person from enabling an addict, then it is worth the share.
The first red flag for me should have been when XABF went out west in 2001 claiming to be on a professional photo shoot.. and we were just friends. About 3 days into the trip he calls me and asks me for money. A lot of money. $500.
Claims he needs it cuz he tried to rent a car with a debit card and they encumbered the entire amount he had in the bank (so he says). That part may have been true, but I am thinking now the likely scenario was that he went out there with a GF and she dumped him and walked (with the $$ cuz gosh knows he never had any). He had no credit either.
He had a plane ticket home but 9-11 happened in the midst of his trip.. so THAT didn't work anymore. Dopey, codie me wired him the $$. Of course it was nto enough and he found an ez mark so asked for more and I wired that as well!!!! He said when he got the refund from the airline, he woud repay me. When he got back he had excuses as long as my arm as to why he could not get a refund.
I wondered at the time why he did not call his family for $$. Why not? If I was in a jam, I would have called mine!
The reason they would not give him $$ is he is an addict. They had gone thru this in the past and THEY would have let him walk home. To NY. From AZ.
Should have let him walk Home and ended it right there. Instead we ended up in a relationship and I enabled him for 6 years.
My lesson is your lesson.
The first red flag for me should have been when XABF went out west in 2001 claiming to be on a professional photo shoot.. and we were just friends. About 3 days into the trip he calls me and asks me for money. A lot of money. $500.
Claims he needs it cuz he tried to rent a car with a debit card and they encumbered the entire amount he had in the bank (so he says). That part may have been true, but I am thinking now the likely scenario was that he went out there with a GF and she dumped him and walked (with the $$ cuz gosh knows he never had any). He had no credit either.
He had a plane ticket home but 9-11 happened in the midst of his trip.. so THAT didn't work anymore. Dopey, codie me wired him the $$. Of course it was nto enough and he found an ez mark so asked for more and I wired that as well!!!! He said when he got the refund from the airline, he woud repay me. When he got back he had excuses as long as my arm as to why he could not get a refund.
I wondered at the time why he did not call his family for $$. Why not? If I was in a jam, I would have called mine!
The reason they would not give him $$ is he is an addict. They had gone thru this in the past and THEY would have let him walk home. To NY. From AZ.
Should have let him walk Home and ended it right there. Instead we ended up in a relationship and I enabled him for 6 years.
My lesson is your lesson.
Hindsight is 20/20, Elana. My red flag was much the same with my son...he didn't tell lies before addiction, so of course I believed him at first. The red flag should have gone up when he told more lies...or worse...told the same lie all over again forgetting that he had already used up that one. And another huge red flag should have gone up when every one of those lies cost me money...and I continued to dole it out for many many years and thousands of dollars.
Red flags and elephants in my livingroom...how easy it was to pretend that they were just pretty decorations and just step around them, hoping nobody else noticed.
Hugs
Red flags and elephants in my livingroom...how easy it was to pretend that they were just pretty decorations and just step around them, hoping nobody else noticed.
Hugs
my red flag should have been when i first met my ah, he had scratches all over his face and instead of running away, i stopped to listen to him tell me how bad his ex was treating him. then he eventually asked me a question that i choose to ignore, and it was could i handle him having other girl friends.
lessen learned, listen to your addict, somewhere in all the madness, he'll tell you what you want to know from the start, don't ignore something said, if you don't want that particular thing in your life, you CANNOT change or fix another, time to run and run fast.
lessen learned, listen to your addict, somewhere in all the madness, he'll tell you what you want to know from the start, don't ignore something said, if you don't want that particular thing in your life, you CANNOT change or fix another, time to run and run fast.
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