Loving my Addict and so confused!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: medford, MA
Posts: 7
Loving my Addict and so confused!
Goodevening to you all, its been quite awhile since i have been around. I thought i was doing great, better than great, i was happy, i moved on, it even stopped hurting. Now i find myself right back here, looking for guidance and the great advice that so many of you have to offer.
So...short recap of me...
Been in and out of a relationship with this man for 20yrs, last year we decided this was it, its us and only us now, well that was until i was introduced to his significant other Ms Heroin! I lived a life of pure hell for 9 months, until i could finally break free, shut down and move on from him.
It hurt, hurt like hell, i had to rebuild relationships with my friends, family, even my jobs, but i did it, and i felt strong as a rock.
Well, he called me last week, and we talked, and he was different, sounded like the man he use to be, positive, happy, loving, so i talked, very cautiously with him, but he wanted to share with me that he went through detox (this has to be his 15th time) and he now moved into a sober house. Im always cautious with him and his detoxes, because he knows how to work the system, but he has never taken the next step and went into a sober house.
It has now been 12days of him being clean! I say that proud, but again with major caution.
Ive seen him, and he seems like the old him. Hes even been spending alot of time with his mother who herself is a recovering addict, so she would never want him around while he was using, but now they have seen each other almost everday for the past week. She herself has over 10yrs clean, so would'nt she know if this is real or not?
Anyway, here i sit writing this journal because im a so lost. I love this man so much, and i want so very bad for this to be "the time" that it works, but i dont want to get sucked back into it. He is willing to wait as long as it takes for me to accept him back, but i dont want to feel like im being the grey cloud in his recovery, i dont want him to have to worry about proving himself to me,when he has to proove himself to himself first.
I guess where im going with this is, i dont know what to do, where to go, how to feel, im happy, but at the same time sad and scared all over again. I have been let down so many times before by him, that i dont want to do it again, but what if this is the one time its really right.
Do they ever really recover? Can life ever go back to the normalcy that we once knew before this horrible disease took over?
Any input, experiences, or just kind words are greatly appreciated.
Thanks for listening!
Hugs to you all...
Robyn
So...short recap of me...
Been in and out of a relationship with this man for 20yrs, last year we decided this was it, its us and only us now, well that was until i was introduced to his significant other Ms Heroin! I lived a life of pure hell for 9 months, until i could finally break free, shut down and move on from him.
It hurt, hurt like hell, i had to rebuild relationships with my friends, family, even my jobs, but i did it, and i felt strong as a rock.
Well, he called me last week, and we talked, and he was different, sounded like the man he use to be, positive, happy, loving, so i talked, very cautiously with him, but he wanted to share with me that he went through detox (this has to be his 15th time) and he now moved into a sober house. Im always cautious with him and his detoxes, because he knows how to work the system, but he has never taken the next step and went into a sober house.
It has now been 12days of him being clean! I say that proud, but again with major caution.
Ive seen him, and he seems like the old him. Hes even been spending alot of time with his mother who herself is a recovering addict, so she would never want him around while he was using, but now they have seen each other almost everday for the past week. She herself has over 10yrs clean, so would'nt she know if this is real or not?
Anyway, here i sit writing this journal because im a so lost. I love this man so much, and i want so very bad for this to be "the time" that it works, but i dont want to get sucked back into it. He is willing to wait as long as it takes for me to accept him back, but i dont want to feel like im being the grey cloud in his recovery, i dont want him to have to worry about proving himself to me,when he has to proove himself to himself first.
I guess where im going with this is, i dont know what to do, where to go, how to feel, im happy, but at the same time sad and scared all over again. I have been let down so many times before by him, that i dont want to do it again, but what if this is the one time its really right.
Do they ever really recover? Can life ever go back to the normalcy that we once knew before this horrible disease took over?
Any input, experiences, or just kind words are greatly appreciated.
Thanks for listening!
Hugs to you all...
Robyn
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think that you see proof that recovery is possible with his mom, but it is up to him, you might want to wait before you make any decisions, you already know that relapse is possible at any time. you already know that he's knows how to beat the system but try to allow time to let you know whether not he can beat the odds. he's willing to wait, let time answer your question about whether or not to go back into the relationship. i've been struggling with my ah's addiction as long as you and i do know the fear and confusion of it all. keeping you and him in my prayers, i pray that it works for him this time but he'll have to commit to working it and so will you.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Miracles do happen. I would just view from an arms length away, give it a year and see where he is in his recovery. In the meatime work on you. If everything is a good after a year, you both will know if it is time to reconcile, or move forward alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Robyn,
I understand how you feel. I allowed my RAH (then my ABF) to move into my house with one week of not using crack. He had used for 20+ years. HMMMMM....yes, I now realize how absolutely sick I was. We had dated 15 years ago and the crack (unbeknownst to me) caused him to simply disappear. He showed up 2 1/2 years ago. He was still using but chose sobriety after 6 months. He has been a miracle. He's coming up on 22 months now. He was in and out of rehabs, multi attempts at recovering, but it never worked....until this time.
The difference was in him and nothing else. He knew what it was going to take and he did it. You asked a couple of questions which were really good ones -
Do they ever really recover? Can life ever go back to the normalcy that we once knew before this horrible disease took over?
No, they never do recover. Neither do we if we have been in relationship with them. However, we can and do go into remission. It truly is a daily reprieve. The only way to keep the disease at bay is with a daily commitment to spiritual fitness (whatever that means to you). The addict is sitting in waiting - it is a patient mistress and it is waiting for the slightest slip or opportunity to cunningly step back in and have it's way once again. Yes, normalacy can return to a relationship but I can promise you - that threat is always in the background. Significant rates of continued sobriety do not occur until 5 years of not using. That's a long time to live with a very real likelihood of relapse. Then - there are the NUMEROUS stories of people having 10, 15, 20 years of recovery and going back out. The ones that seem to make it are the ones that never forget. What has to change? One thing - everything. It is absolutely do-able. But it takes a lot of work.
12 days is not long enough to know if it's going to work this time. It worked for us the way that it was done but it was at a huge cost with a lot of pain and working through major difficulties. The advice of letting him get a year under his belt is a great one. I would imagine that no matter how much you love him that you don't want him in your life if he is using or not working a recovery. An abstinent drug addict is a truly miserable person to live around. The rooms of recovery help them to learn how to deal with the emotions that bubble up once the drug is gone. Remember, addiction is but a symptom. The real, true problem is a sickness of the soul. It takes a whole lot of work to heal that. It can only be done from the inside out - not through us. And it's done with and among other recovering addicts. That fellowship has caused me to feel left out at times. There are places that my RAH has been and things that he has felt that I will never understand. They do.
The thing that allowed this all to work was that I committed to my own recovery. I went to a whole lot of counselling, did a weekly group on self discovery, went to Alanon and Naranon meetings (2-3/wk), worked the steps, have a sponsor. Even with all of that work it has been extremely hard. However, I am in a much better place.....whether my RAH remains sober or not. What's different is that I have bottom lines, boundaries, and tools to deal with it all.
I do understand how you feel. The only advice that I can truly give is to pause and pray....you will find the right answers for you. I made choices for myself and I think that that is what allowed this to work - it wasn't to be with him, it wasn't for the relationship - it was for me. I realized that it was time for me to get well. 2 1/2 years ago I realized that if I was swept back into all of those feelings that I probably needed my own help. I was right - and I'm gratefully grateful that I did what I've needed to do all along!
My thoughts and prayers are with both of you. It defintely can be "the time" this time - for both of you.
Glad that you posted all of this - you have a lot of great questions and are looking at this with your eyes open. Is it possible to be friends and not involved romantically? Lots of changes should happen this year and you both might end up growing into different people....friendship tolerate that more easily than romantic relationships!
I'd love to know how you both are doing - please keep us posted. Feel free to send me any messages if you need to talk.
Lots of love to you - Donna
I understand how you feel. I allowed my RAH (then my ABF) to move into my house with one week of not using crack. He had used for 20+ years. HMMMMM....yes, I now realize how absolutely sick I was. We had dated 15 years ago and the crack (unbeknownst to me) caused him to simply disappear. He showed up 2 1/2 years ago. He was still using but chose sobriety after 6 months. He has been a miracle. He's coming up on 22 months now. He was in and out of rehabs, multi attempts at recovering, but it never worked....until this time.
The difference was in him and nothing else. He knew what it was going to take and he did it. You asked a couple of questions which were really good ones -
Do they ever really recover? Can life ever go back to the normalcy that we once knew before this horrible disease took over?
No, they never do recover. Neither do we if we have been in relationship with them. However, we can and do go into remission. It truly is a daily reprieve. The only way to keep the disease at bay is with a daily commitment to spiritual fitness (whatever that means to you). The addict is sitting in waiting - it is a patient mistress and it is waiting for the slightest slip or opportunity to cunningly step back in and have it's way once again. Yes, normalacy can return to a relationship but I can promise you - that threat is always in the background. Significant rates of continued sobriety do not occur until 5 years of not using. That's a long time to live with a very real likelihood of relapse. Then - there are the NUMEROUS stories of people having 10, 15, 20 years of recovery and going back out. The ones that seem to make it are the ones that never forget. What has to change? One thing - everything. It is absolutely do-able. But it takes a lot of work.
12 days is not long enough to know if it's going to work this time. It worked for us the way that it was done but it was at a huge cost with a lot of pain and working through major difficulties. The advice of letting him get a year under his belt is a great one. I would imagine that no matter how much you love him that you don't want him in your life if he is using or not working a recovery. An abstinent drug addict is a truly miserable person to live around. The rooms of recovery help them to learn how to deal with the emotions that bubble up once the drug is gone. Remember, addiction is but a symptom. The real, true problem is a sickness of the soul. It takes a whole lot of work to heal that. It can only be done from the inside out - not through us. And it's done with and among other recovering addicts. That fellowship has caused me to feel left out at times. There are places that my RAH has been and things that he has felt that I will never understand. They do.
The thing that allowed this all to work was that I committed to my own recovery. I went to a whole lot of counselling, did a weekly group on self discovery, went to Alanon and Naranon meetings (2-3/wk), worked the steps, have a sponsor. Even with all of that work it has been extremely hard. However, I am in a much better place.....whether my RAH remains sober or not. What's different is that I have bottom lines, boundaries, and tools to deal with it all.
I do understand how you feel. The only advice that I can truly give is to pause and pray....you will find the right answers for you. I made choices for myself and I think that that is what allowed this to work - it wasn't to be with him, it wasn't for the relationship - it was for me. I realized that it was time for me to get well. 2 1/2 years ago I realized that if I was swept back into all of those feelings that I probably needed my own help. I was right - and I'm gratefully grateful that I did what I've needed to do all along!
My thoughts and prayers are with both of you. It defintely can be "the time" this time - for both of you.
Glad that you posted all of this - you have a lot of great questions and are looking at this with your eyes open. Is it possible to be friends and not involved romantically? Lots of changes should happen this year and you both might end up growing into different people....friendship tolerate that more easily than romantic relationships!
I'd love to know how you both are doing - please keep us posted. Feel free to send me any messages if you need to talk.
Lots of love to you - Donna
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Boy Donna you really wrote a great post. I believe you are 100% right when you said it was a sickness of the soul..............the drug use is only a symptom.
For an addict to go & stay in remission they have to be doing it for themselves and noone else.
Thanks again for that wonderful post.
Love,
Diane
For an addict to go & stay in remission they have to be doing it for themselves and noone else.
Thanks again for that wonderful post.
Love,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Robyn,
Your feelings are so normal. You want things to work out, you want this to be "the time", you want to trust that everything is going to turn out great.
Unfortunately (forgive me in advance here) entering a sober house is no guarantee. And twelve days is, in heroin terms, nothing at all. It's wonderful when they do well for a while, and sound like "themselves" -- but you are always just hours away from the same kind of hell you escaped from. All he has to do is walk to a certain section of town and stick a needle in his arm, and you are back where you were after all that hard work.
Love him, hope for the best for him, support him as much as you can while still keeping yourself #1......but give it at least a year before making any radical decisions.
Love and strength,
GiveLove
Your feelings are so normal. You want things to work out, you want this to be "the time", you want to trust that everything is going to turn out great.
Unfortunately (forgive me in advance here) entering a sober house is no guarantee. And twelve days is, in heroin terms, nothing at all. It's wonderful when they do well for a while, and sound like "themselves" -- but you are always just hours away from the same kind of hell you escaped from. All he has to do is walk to a certain section of town and stick a needle in his arm, and you are back where you were after all that hard work.
Love him, hope for the best for him, support him as much as you can while still keeping yourself #1......but give it at least a year before making any radical decisions.
Love and strength,
GiveLove
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: medford, MA
Posts: 7
Thank you all so much.
Everything you all have said to me, is exactly what i was thinking.
I know how easy it is to relapse for him, the triggers are everywhere, the memories for him are unbelievable.
When he lived with me, he use to go into the bathroom for hours at a time, i would literally have to beat on the door to get him out of there. Now the other night when he came over, he used my bathroom, and he literally came out as quick as he went in, and he talked about the memory of the bathroom, how it made him feel.
So yes, i need to step away for awhile and let him work his program, and i have told him that, i just dont want to step to far away, not yet,
Im going to watch and love from a distance, and hope for the best, but still think of the worst, i just dont want that to be the grey cloud i was talking about. I dont want in anyway to be a cause for relapse.
Thank you thank you thank you!!!
Robyn
Everything you all have said to me, is exactly what i was thinking.
I know how easy it is to relapse for him, the triggers are everywhere, the memories for him are unbelievable.
When he lived with me, he use to go into the bathroom for hours at a time, i would literally have to beat on the door to get him out of there. Now the other night when he came over, he used my bathroom, and he literally came out as quick as he went in, and he talked about the memory of the bathroom, how it made him feel.
So yes, i need to step away for awhile and let him work his program, and i have told him that, i just dont want to step to far away, not yet,
Im going to watch and love from a distance, and hope for the best, but still think of the worst, i just dont want that to be the grey cloud i was talking about. I dont want in anyway to be a cause for relapse.
Thank you thank you thank you!!!
Robyn
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