Is this manipulation?
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Is this manipulation?
Well, ever since I told AH that I am taking time for myself and he can do whatever he likes (as if he needed persmission!?) he has been my new best friend. My shadow. I can't even brush my teeth alone.
I hate to complain about this, really! But I've gone from abuse and neglect to being smothered.
Do you think this is manipulation? Is that what he is doing?
I hate to complain about this, really! But I've gone from abuse and neglect to being smothered.
Do you think this is manipulation? Is that what he is doing?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
to my suprise
I got very angry and I didn't know why. When I gave up, my ex got clingy.
I had waited so long for him to act married and treat me like his esteemed wife.
Why now?
He knew I meant it. I realized that he was capable of being nice , attentive and loving all along, it just wasn't necessary.
I had waited so long for him to act married and treat me like his esteemed wife.
Why now?
He knew I meant it. I realized that he was capable of being nice , attentive and loving all along, it just wasn't necessary.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
mine would overcompensate like this when he knew i was at my limit with him. worked for him everytime, cause i was such a sucker for it.
fear? yup....probably. fear of having his world shaken up. his routine dissrupted. his plan of action changed. his prediction of your behaviors all messed up. got to smooth things over so his life can continue as before. jmho.
fear? yup....probably. fear of having his world shaken up. his routine dissrupted. his plan of action changed. his prediction of your behaviors all messed up. got to smooth things over so his life can continue as before. jmho.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Northwest
Posts: 23
I get that, too - 'are you seeing someone else?' Like when do I have the time for that while I'm taking care of a 3 year old?
It's just another way they get attention and an ego boost (which my AH needs all the time) and manipulate you into giving it to them. IMHO, of course. That's the case with my AH anyways. It's the whole self-absorbed thing. It's all about HIM. I can't say anything or do anything without it being turned around as to how it affects him. Man.
Er, yeah - I sympathize with you!
It's just another way they get attention and an ego boost (which my AH needs all the time) and manipulate you into giving it to them. IMHO, of course. That's the case with my AH anyways. It's the whole self-absorbed thing. It's all about HIM. I can't say anything or do anything without it being turned around as to how it affects him. Man.
Er, yeah - I sympathize with you!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
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Fear and also, I believe, the need for you to acknowledge him. My AH would follow me from room to room, walk out in the driveway and stare at me as I drove away, cling to me in a way that reminded me of a child who had lost its mommy in the grocery store. So I say, yes, it is fear. It is also realizing that you are NOT putting him front row and center. That is a type of fear, but I don't consider it fear of loss like non-addicts feel. It is more fear of losing attention and total focus on him.
You dare to have a life? Nope. Not in the addict's eyes. You are there to serve him and take whatever he dishes out. So now you are getting the I'm-scared-you-will-leave-me act.
Please be VERY aware of his actions. Once this type of fear/panic sets in for the addict, they sometimes will escalate to violence. He sounds calm right now, but he's cooking up in his mind that there may be another man. He could start to become more abusive the more you move away from him.
Please be cautious and watch what he does.
You dare to have a life? Nope. Not in the addict's eyes. You are there to serve him and take whatever he dishes out. So now you are getting the I'm-scared-you-will-leave-me act.
Please be VERY aware of his actions. Once this type of fear/panic sets in for the addict, they sometimes will escalate to violence. He sounds calm right now, but he's cooking up in his mind that there may be another man. He could start to become more abusive the more you move away from him.
Please be cautious and watch what he does.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
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Originally Posted by prodigal 
Please be VERY aware of his actions. Once this type of fear/panic sets in for the addict, they sometimes will escalate to violence. He sounds calm right now, but he's cooking up in his mind that there may be another man. He could start to become more abusive the more you move away from him
After the hammer dropped and he got served with divorce papers, for awhile he cycled in and out of remorse, denial, etc. Now that over 2 months have passed, he is beginning to get the picture that his old tricks don't work anymore, and that I really am gone. He is getting increasingly irrational and intimidating. I have a restraining order, but he has ignored it repeatedly to the point of having to go to court next week on I don't know how many counts of contempt. My 19 year old football player son will be home from college on Wednesday, and I will feel much better then. In the meantime, I am keeping a can of mace real handy.
Be very careful; don't take any chances and remember that he doesn't think like you do. I learned that the hard way.
((((HUGS)))))
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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Part of the ride on the rollercoaster, could be a number of things, but I wouldn't be surprised if and when he goes back to doing what he was doing, he won't come back and say "I started again because no matter what I do, I can't make you happy, so I figured why not go back to what I was doing" They have every excuse in the book to blame and reason out their behavior.
Just my thought when I read your post,
Just my thought when I read your post,
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Absolutely.
After all, how can you focus on yourself if he is like your shadow? Saying you need space is terrifying to an active problem drinker (or anyone else who needs you to stay the same) because they know that the things you discover in that time will mean that things will change. And not for the better as far as they are concerned.
Ugh. I remember that phase all too well.
After all, how can you focus on yourself if he is like your shadow? Saying you need space is terrifying to an active problem drinker (or anyone else who needs you to stay the same) because they know that the things you discover in that time will mean that things will change. And not for the better as far as they are concerned.
Ugh. I remember that phase all too well.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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*Sniff* *Sniff* oh yup it is that fear kicking in for sure! Mine did this everytime I was with friends, family, counselor, Al-Anon because I would regain my issue and behavior patterns and start keeping with my boundaries! Then BAM he started in fear of losing the roof over his head his comfort zone....you know disrupt his life! The get a glimpse and start the start all the good stuff to suck you back in...then when they reel you in they start all over again! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew not a ride I want to take anymore!
(((Hugs to you)))
(((Hugs to you)))
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
Yep, he's scared.
You mentioned that he isn't abusing you now, but I would say that what he is doing now is also abusive. He is not allowing you your personal space and the right to live your lown life. This is a control tactive that many abusers use in emotionally abusive relationships. He fears losing control of you and has switched modes, but in my opinion it is still abusive. If it doesn't feel good and healthy, it probably isn't.
I would agree with others, please be careful, he may become irrational when he realizes that this tactic isn't working.
-K
You mentioned that he isn't abusing you now, but I would say that what he is doing now is also abusive. He is not allowing you your personal space and the right to live your lown life. This is a control tactive that many abusers use in emotionally abusive relationships. He fears losing control of you and has switched modes, but in my opinion it is still abusive. If it doesn't feel good and healthy, it probably isn't.
I would agree with others, please be careful, he may become irrational when he realizes that this tactic isn't working.
-K
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by Tazman53
Well I can tell you right now it is manipulation and the reason is fear, not fear of losing you though, fear of losing his drinking safety net.
It's funny, I used to tell my ex all that time that I would never be his 'emotional' safety net with respect to other woman....it never occurred to me that it also could apply to his drinking.
My ex had a lot of...'ahem'....'safety nets'!!
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