My graduation--need advice

Old 04-29-2007, 10:20 AM
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My graduation--need advice

I will be receiving my Associates Degree (double major thank you ) in May. My father is coming out from the South West. My dad, bless his soul, doesn't come out for anything. Its just his way, bless his soul. He's the type to send 3 handpicked cards, make a call and send an email before he'll drive out. He hates to drive, and this time he's driving two states over to be here. Because of this, I will be sending him an announcement to the graduation early so he has the address and so on. I'll be mailing the picture later.

My mother, the addict in my life, lives a block away from me. She had been harassing me on the phone and I had finally wrote her letting her know I would love to stay in written contact with her. So far, not a letter from her rest home.

I never thought this would happen. My local parent is not getting an invite from me as I don't want her there. She will make it all about her and this day is all about me GD IT!. However, I don't want to rip the fence down between us completely. Eventually she will know about the graduation anyway from a friend she has that lives in this apartment building. I mean, how is going to miss seeing me come and go in a cap and gown? So the question is this: after graduation do I send her the announcement within two weeks?

I am leaning toward yes for two reasons. First, if I do it is one less thing I'll question. I will spend more time questioning if it was right NOT to send it. Second, it keeps the relationship steady. If we ever did talk again, I don't want hard feelings and if a single stamp will prevent that then so be it. Third, she is a parent (barely). She may feel like my sibling or child the way she acts, but she is still my parent and I should show her that respect. I would still be No Contact with her. Finally, I do have a concern she will be angry she is not invited. I won't tell her my dad was there and I have a ready built excuse. I don't have the time to pick her up between rehearsals.

Any ESH on similar situations you have had to deal with?
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Old 04-29-2007, 10:25 AM
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Maybe an announcement and a letter explaining (again) how you would like to stay in written contact... and how much you love her.

What she does with it... her choice.


Congratulations Alera! Excellent job!! (THIS mom is very proud of you... ) (((hugs)))
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Old 04-29-2007, 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted by BigSis View Post
Maybe an announcement and a letter explaining (again) how you would like to stay in written contact... and how much you love her.

What she does with it... her choice.
Good ideas. When I used to visit her, no matter how angry I was at her, I would always calm down and say at the end of my visit "I love you" simply because I knew no matter what happened I could never hold it over my head if those were the last things she heard off her daughters lips.


Congratulations Alera! Excellent job!! (THIS mom is very proud of you... ) (((hugs)))
This means more than you will know. When I first came here to F&F I was so scared to post, and I saw you as my naranon mother figure to me in some ways, leading the way to how to deal with all these family issues. You know what, I still do You have a wonderful way about you, and thank you for sharing it with me.
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Old 04-29-2007, 10:33 AM
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No ideas, but a big congratulations Alera. You should feel very proud of your accomplishments. I think that you will find your answer. Hugs, Marle
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Old 04-29-2007, 10:36 AM
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congratulations alera, glad that you dad will be coming with you, i do understand how you feel about your mom not being there, but is there a way that you can invite her, just because, but let her find her own way there? maybe you can tell her that you are not gonna be able to take her with you and that you would appreciate that if she somehow were to go, that you would hope that you would have to go through any drama, by it being your day. who knows maybe she'll understand.

like i said, i do understand how you feel, but i think that if i was your mom, then i'd be very hurt, but i know that its not about how your mom feels, its about how you feel on your day, and you do have a right to feel that way.

this is such an important day for you, and i honesty do know how you feel. sorry that you have to make such a hard decision. still praying for ya
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Old 04-29-2007, 06:58 PM
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congratulations to you.it will be your day & i am so proud of you. i hate that things are the way they are with your mom.i am happy your dad will be there for you. you are doing great. hugs,
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Old 04-29-2007, 08:47 PM
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Alera, I think your idea of sending the announcement after the ceremony is a good one. It keeps the communication line open as you hope to do. I know you have worked so hard on your degree; you should be really proud of yourself! I'm so thrilled for you and I think it is really touching that your Dad will drive to be there.

I hope you will take some time to relax once all the finals are done and papers submitted. You deserve it!!


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Old 04-30-2007, 07:08 AM
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hey, congrats on your graduation! k
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Old 04-30-2007, 07:17 AM
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Alera, congratulations!! I am so proud of you! As for your mom I dont know.... just do what feels right in your heart.

Hugs,
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:32 PM
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Teke, I would do that but my mother suffers from serious borderline personality disorder on top of being an active addict. If she comes, the entire thing will surround around her. She tried for years to live through me. If I had the money for every time I convinced myself that it was my day and maybe she'd understand I'd be a very rich women. The bigger deal it is, the more my mother will show how this reflects on her (after all, it is HER daughter that graduated, the one she gave birth to, the child she raised and quack quack).

On top of that, chances are that she actually goes are about 10%. In the meantime I will be rearranging all my plans around dealing with her quacking.

In an ideal world I would let her know in advance, but this is my day and I want it to stay that way.

ETA: I want to thank everyone for posting their thoughts. I took them all into consideration when I sat down to do my cost benefit analysis.

Today I went out and bought my invitations, and mailed the first one to my sister who supports me here everyday.
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Old 05-01-2007, 04:42 AM
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Congratulations, Alera, you have worked hard to earn this wonderful degree. Knowing the situation with you mother, I agree that it's your day to celebrate however you want. Sending her an announcement and picture later will give her bragging rights without disrupting your day.

Hugs
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Old 05-01-2007, 04:58 AM
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Congrats on your Associate's degree. I would send the announcement later but understand that she probably will be angry. You are doing what you need to do though to take care of yourself and not ruin your day or your accomplishment.
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Old 05-01-2007, 08:06 AM
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Congratulations Alera!!
You should be proud!
My last marriage (hey, I've only had 2 ), I had to visit my Dad and request that he not attend. He had been on a very hard bender, and there was no chance he could have arrived sober, or at the very least not sick.
SO, I asked him not to come.
That worked out better in the short and long run.
I'm sure it hurt his feelings, but I didn't create the circumstances that caused the request.
Some things are just ours to celebrate period, you know?
I think sending the annoucement gives your Mom every opportunity to be happy for you, the celebration is about you.
You GO GIRL!
((((hugs)))
Cece
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Old 05-01-2007, 08:25 AM
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Great job!

As far as the ceremony goes, most people I know don't walk. They are content with getting the diploma in the mail. Usually grad announcements say just that, that the person graduated! So perhaps you could tell her you chose not to walk in the ceremony. Also, at my college graduations are ticketed events and there are not many tickets available. So perhaps you could tell her all the tickets were sold out before you could buy any! \

This is a huge accomplishment, so definitely let it be all about you!
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Old 05-01-2007, 02:54 PM
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WTG, Alera...a great big congrats is in order.
You should be quite proud of yourself and not let anyone ruin that for you.
Hope you have a great graduation and hopefully a great party afterwards?
SM
PS..you can always include a cap and gown pic in the announcement. Then she can still get to see you in it...just an idea.
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Old 05-01-2007, 04:13 PM
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Congratulations!!!! Sounds like you already know what to do....
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Old 05-02-2007, 01:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Sunflower View Post
Congratulations!!!! Sounds like you already know what to do....
I do now! I found that running all these ideas and posts through my head really helped me when I did my SMART Recovery Cost-Benefit Analysis. You see, One thing I've really learned is that SMART is not just for addicts, it can help those who have to deal with addicted family members. For me, it was the only way I could have made this decision because I always used to question how to deal with my mother. The other issue I didn't even think about is that they would be giving my mom her meds a bit early if she left, as well as her PRN's. She would be blasted most likely.

I like the idea about invitations. I think adding the photograph to give her bragging rights will also make her very happy.

One thing, althought many people don't do the walk, I live in a town that (although is not a college town) has three colleges. The graduations are front page news stories. However, I need to take that risk for myself. Thank you again for all your help.
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Old 05-02-2007, 04:07 PM
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Prayers that you have a perfect day, Alera. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-02-2007, 06:50 PM
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Add my congrats, quite an achievement...as for mom, I like the photo idea...
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