Blackrose2756

Well, I guess reading all the posts got me to thinking about all the times I gave my ex a 'second chance". I had a wonderful dream about him where he was kind, loving, wonderful....everything he was when he was clean & sober & working his recovery. Then the dream turned & he became nasty, mean, vicious & violent & in the dream he was using again. All the things he was when he did relapsed.

I guess, 2 things. Why did it still hurt when I woke up? And the 2nd thing is I realized that no matter how many times I gave him that "second chance, that until HE wants it......he will never be that man I knew again. And he might never "Get it" again.

But me....I know longer have to live that life where one minute they are wonderful, the next minute they've relapsed & life becomes miserable again.

I just wish I could have woken up & said, "oh, well. Just a dream." And gone on with today. Instead of sitting here crying.

Lynne

loveRoy

I could feel your pain in the post. I too have done the "2nd chance" deal many times over only to be hurt again and again. It is awful. The only thing I can tell you is, for me, time helps. I never have liked for others to talk about "time" but it is true. Do you think that "they" have the slightest idea about our pain?

BigSis

Our dreams help us process our thoughts and feelings... it is part of healing, Blackrose. I think this is a good sign... hard to deal with, but good in the long run.

Know that you are not alone... lots of us on this same path. Reaching out, as you have here, helps you and others who read what you wrote.

Thank you! ((hugs))

teke

lynne, i've had those painful dreams too, and ended up letting them ruin my day too, but what helped me was to pray before i go to sleep and in case of a nighmare like that, i'd wake up and conciencely tell myself that it was a dream and refuse to allow myself to relive the dream, the more i did that, the less i had to do it, so far i haven't had one that was really as bad as they use to be. i pray that god will give you more peaceful sleep, but try not to focus on the dreams when you awake. keeping you and yours in my prayers

Elana

Dreams seem to me to indicate unfinished business.

My dreams of Steve have gotten less and less.. once in a blue moon now. I think the reason for the dreams is you keep trying to resolve something that cannot be resolved.. a problem with no solution.

A love you cannot go back to, but wish you could. A door that has been closed but you wish had not been.

Sometimes we cannot move forward because when a door closes we tend to look at it with so much longing that we don't see the new door that has opened. I think Helen Keller said that and I have parphrased it.

teke

blue girl, for me, yes, i had those kinds of using dreams, and i always thought they were reminders for me to go use. they can be scarier than using.

tropikgal2

Yeah I had a real screwed up dream the other night and i woke up crying out. My RAH held me until I decided to just go ahead and get up becaue i didn't want ot go back into the dream again. It was about him using again (of course.....what else would upset me so much...except the dreams about the bugs on my fingers....but that's another story!)

lightseeker

Dreams - I think they are our soul's somewhat gentle way of helping us to process unresolved feelings as we go along. I once in awhile still dream about my 1st (addicted) husband from 25 years ago!.....always, I wake up with an anguished feeling. Even though we have both moved on! I think that it is still unresolved grief for what might have been and what I thought should have been. I always say about tears - better out than in.

The other thing I will say is that grieving the loss of a relationship (due to addiction or anything else) is normal. I can tell you from lots of experiences with recovered addicts that no one returns to the person that they were before this all happened. Forever - their brains are rewired. The "new" recovered people can turn into some of the best people in the world but none of them are exactly who they use to be prior to addiction.

Think about what this has done to all of us....we are not the same either. I can't be the trusting, naive, and unhurt woman that I was before all of this. It'd be like my RAH telling me "I want you to be the soft and loving kitty you were before all of this now that I'm not using anymore". NOT!!!!!! LOL. Can't do that - thanks a whole lot.

I just think that we who love addicts truly do end up with a lot to grieve - whether they end up in recovery or not. Life is forever changed. However, we have the opportunity to grow and know ourselves better than our "untouched by addiction" sisters. There is still a lot to celebrate.

Love, Donna

Blackrose2756

And I beat myself up because I'm not "over this" in 1 year. Even though I've known him over 30 years. I knew the child, I knew the man he was when he 1st got into drugs, then I missed the next 16 years & I fell in love with the man he became when he found recovery & was working a great program, then time & again, I lost that man back to the drugs...until I couldn't do it anymore.

I was sitting out here in AZ minding my own business 9 years ago when he walked back into my life & said he'd always loved me (which I suspected since he was 18) & now he felt ready to be the man I wanted & needed in my life. He was ready for a "mature, adult relationship" with a woman he'd always loved. And some days I hope that I'll get a phone call or a letter & the man I loved will be back. I think another thing that makes it hard some times is that when he did relapse he'd end up back in jail & was "forced" clean several times. And every time he was....in about 6 months of his confinement, the man I fell in love with started to re-emerge....only to disappear again when he'd relapse.

The joy, the pain, the joy, the pain. How do we come away untouched.

Lynne

lightseeker

I hear ya - I've known my RAH since high school (I'm 50 now). We had a go-round 15 years ago and he disappeared into crackdom. Then resurfaced 2 1/2 years ago.

It just feels so unfair .......there is no way to come away untouched. It certainly has led me to a more spiritual life.

Thanks for sharing all of this! Donna

marle

I have had several dreams about my AD. In each I am given a chance to help her and each time I just feel that sinking feeling where I know that I can't reach her. Each time I wake up a little sad, but I realize that I am just processing what I know to be true. I think we are more vulnerable to the bad feeling when we sleep. I used to wake up with just the worst feelings. Those have gone away with time. Marle