It's Finally Real.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
It's Finally Real.
We live so long in a state of "what if" and "when" with alcoholics. What if they finally decide to stop drinking and what if they remain sober forever and what if our marriage will finally be everything it should be. And on the other side, When will they finally lose their job, when will they finally get arrested, when will their health start to decline, when will I finally decide to leave, etc.
I title this post "It's Finally Real" because all of my worst fear "What If's" have finally been realized. Over the past few months, lose job - check, go to rehab 2x and continue to drink - check, total brand new SUV - check, get picked up by the police for public intoxication - check, run of with some hooch from rehab - check, continue to spend every last dollar in our bank account on booze - check, stop showering - check, sleep outside as much as inside - check, etc.
I have stayed with my AH for as long as I have largely based on finances, as so many of us have. But some months ago, I opened my own bank account where I keep "my" money. One week ago today my husband moved to a city about 5 hours away to start a new job. A very lucrative job. Did I think he would make it? I knew the situation would be very good or very, very bad. The job would keep him very busy and maybe give him some incentive to become serious about recovery. It would also provide very good health benefits. Maybe IOP? Or...he would self-destruct, and quick. I don't have to tell you which 2 scenarios played out. By Friday, my AH has burned through all but $27 in our joint bank account (but I kept my money for bills, etc. in my own personal account, so this joint account really became HIS account). His boss had gave him until Monday to straighten himeself our. I refused to give him another dollar. His parents caved and wired him $150 on Friday AM to get a hotel room and eat. No one heard from him again until Saturday. Go figure. His mom drove down there last night to get him. I guess his car is over-heating. She's staying in a hotel room with him until Monday when they can get the car looked at. He's giving his notice on Monday and going home with his mom. They have offered to "take care of things" from here out.
The story is over. Finally. I have experienced, and lived through, all of my worse fears with this man. And yet, I still feel that sad, lonely emptiness. In my head, I still think "How could you have blown this." So many chances, so many opportunities - All gone.
It's time for me. It's really time for me. I'll give myself some time to mope around, but I really have to work on being happy alone and supporting myself. For so long it's been all about him, I honestly don't know what I even need. I have lost touch with anything that I "want" to make me happy. Time to leave my life of chaos behind and embrace peace. I know this time won't be easy. I have my moments of weakness. Thank God for SR!
I title this post "It's Finally Real" because all of my worst fear "What If's" have finally been realized. Over the past few months, lose job - check, go to rehab 2x and continue to drink - check, total brand new SUV - check, get picked up by the police for public intoxication - check, run of with some hooch from rehab - check, continue to spend every last dollar in our bank account on booze - check, stop showering - check, sleep outside as much as inside - check, etc.
I have stayed with my AH for as long as I have largely based on finances, as so many of us have. But some months ago, I opened my own bank account where I keep "my" money. One week ago today my husband moved to a city about 5 hours away to start a new job. A very lucrative job. Did I think he would make it? I knew the situation would be very good or very, very bad. The job would keep him very busy and maybe give him some incentive to become serious about recovery. It would also provide very good health benefits. Maybe IOP? Or...he would self-destruct, and quick. I don't have to tell you which 2 scenarios played out. By Friday, my AH has burned through all but $27 in our joint bank account (but I kept my money for bills, etc. in my own personal account, so this joint account really became HIS account). His boss had gave him until Monday to straighten himeself our. I refused to give him another dollar. His parents caved and wired him $150 on Friday AM to get a hotel room and eat. No one heard from him again until Saturday. Go figure. His mom drove down there last night to get him. I guess his car is over-heating. She's staying in a hotel room with him until Monday when they can get the car looked at. He's giving his notice on Monday and going home with his mom. They have offered to "take care of things" from here out.
The story is over. Finally. I have experienced, and lived through, all of my worse fears with this man. And yet, I still feel that sad, lonely emptiness. In my head, I still think "How could you have blown this." So many chances, so many opportunities - All gone.
It's time for me. It's really time for me. I'll give myself some time to mope around, but I really have to work on being happy alone and supporting myself. For so long it's been all about him, I honestly don't know what I even need. I have lost touch with anything that I "want" to make me happy. Time to leave my life of chaos behind and embrace peace. I know this time won't be easy. I have my moments of weakness. Thank God for SR!
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
What, I'm so sorry! All the opportunities they get and they can't help themselves!
You are one smart gal, though! And it IS time for you!! Take all the time you want figuring out what makes you happy!
Hugs and Prayers!
You are one smart gal, though! And it IS time for you!! Take all the time you want figuring out what makes you happy!
Hugs and Prayers!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Great realization WhataboutMe....that even when our greatest fears come true, we still survive...they don't kill us...and we are powerless to control what happens to our A's. Thank you for the reminder.
What a huge lesson - that we cannot make someone's decisions for them. How painful to watch them blow all their chances, as you say. It's their journey...and this is ours.
What a huge lesson - that we cannot make someone's decisions for them. How painful to watch them blow all their chances, as you say. It's their journey...and this is ours.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
If there is one thing I try and re-enforce to anyone living with an addict, it is: Have you own money, don't share your credit/debt cards/atm's or investment accounts. Over time they will all be wiped out.
You sound strong, you'll be fine...him, oh well, it's his problem, not yours.
My Best,
Dolly
You sound strong, you'll be fine...him, oh well, it's his problem, not yours.
My Best,
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
Whataboutme, I am sitting at my computer and my heart is racing. You wrote my story, except for a few very minor details. Thank goodness I found this board. I too know that it will not be easy but at least everyday I will know what I am coming home to--a dog and a cat. I will no longer walk on egg shells. I will no longer smell the smell. I will not longer have someone look into my eyes and lie. I have finally realized that no amount of money is worth my peace and my soul.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Everyone should have a private account or stash--even if they are not married to an alcoholic--very smart move.I remember a financial adviser telling me once to have at least 6 months of money needed to pay all bills etc..in case of an emergency..and I did--then I blew it all on a huge vacation for the whole family---guess what? I got sick 6 months later and couldn't work--serves me right--but I always have the memories of that very special vacation...
Your A sounds like a really sad situation--maybe his parents are doing you a favor..maybe they can point him in the right direction..obviously he is in no shape for a relationship.
Remember there is always hope.Praying for the 2 of you and sorry for your troubles
Your A sounds like a really sad situation--maybe his parents are doing you a favor..maybe they can point him in the right direction..obviously he is in no shape for a relationship.
Remember there is always hope.Praying for the 2 of you and sorry for your troubles
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