How do you do it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 13
How do you do it?
My AH was clean for about 16 months. He relapsed after a dental emergency.
It's been almost 4 weeks. I have been angry, sad, miserable, desperate...and just really tired.
I am in counselling and I understand on a intellectual level that I must detach for my own sanity but for the life of me I can't figure out how to do it physically.
From the moment I witnessed his OD and near death a few years ago, I have never been the same. I am physically ill when we are apart and I am worried for him. I have spent 4 weeks with my life on hold in order to avoid these feelings. I am so afraid that he will OD if I leave. I know that I can't stop it even if I am there...but I think, hey, at least I could call 911.
I feel like I need to run a marathon and I don't even know how to take the first step.
It's been almost 4 weeks. I have been angry, sad, miserable, desperate...and just really tired.
I am in counselling and I understand on a intellectual level that I must detach for my own sanity but for the life of me I can't figure out how to do it physically.
From the moment I witnessed his OD and near death a few years ago, I have never been the same. I am physically ill when we are apart and I am worried for him. I have spent 4 weeks with my life on hold in order to avoid these feelings. I am so afraid that he will OD if I leave. I know that I can't stop it even if I am there...but I think, hey, at least I could call 911.
I feel like I need to run a marathon and I don't even know how to take the first step.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: United States
Posts: 25
I am sorry that you are feeling so terrible right now. It is good that counselling is helping you see the need for detachment. Posting on these boards is a good start. Maybe going to a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting would help you between therapist appointments.
When I am in crisis I like to remember the acronym H.A.L.T. Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. This is will help ground you in your own body. I understand your frustration and bewilderment. The thing that helped me detach from worrying about my addicted sister ODing was having some physical distance, if only for a few hours.
When I am in crisis I like to remember the acronym H.A.L.T. Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. This is will help ground you in your own body. I understand your frustration and bewilderment. The thing that helped me detach from worrying about my addicted sister ODing was having some physical distance, if only for a few hours.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I don't know if we have met.. but welcome if we have not.
I suggest two things:
Alanon meetings or Naranon meetings are very very good and learning that program has hugely helped me.
"CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Read the book. Do the exercises. UIt helps a lot.
Best wishes and praying for you.
I suggest two things:
Alanon meetings or Naranon meetings are very very good and learning that program has hugely helped me.
"CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Read the book. Do the exercises. UIt helps a lot.
Best wishes and praying for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome looking, you are among people that care.i am glad you found us.first off you are not responsiable for his actions.if he is going to use you are right you can not stop him.the 3cs here are i did not CAUSE it, i can not CONTROL it,& I can not CURE it.is he going to meeting? see if you can find a f.t.f. naronon meeting in your area for yourself.you need all the info on addiction you can get.there is lots info here.read the stickys at the top of the forum & read around in the post.there are a lot of people that are going thru the same things as you.keep coming back.prayers for you & your husband.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In the mountain air
Posts: 1,345
There is a thread in the sticky posts called "How Do You Detach" that may be a good read for you. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ou-detach.html
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome to sr, the addict in my life is my hubby too. i've spent 20 yrs in this marriage for some of the same reasons as you. it don't get better only worse. addiction is a desease of progression, it can only be arrested, there is no cure. the only way that it can be arrested is that he wants to get better and seeks help. i'm also a recovering addict with a few yrs clean and i can tell you that recovery is very hard work and its for life. there is no guarentee.
in my opinion, there really is nothing you can do to keep your husband from oding, there is nothing you can do or say that will make him want to stop using. all you can do is began to look out for yourself just like your counselor suggested. if you can't do it physically then maybe you can start by detaching emotionally and financially, keep going to the meetings and posting here. began to put away a little money in a seperate place that he don't know about, and just try to figure out an exit plan, just in case you need to, when its time and you feel that you are able, you will know when you can do it physically. it can get better for you even if it don't get better for him, its your life, your choices. keeping you and your in my prayers
in my opinion, there really is nothing you can do to keep your husband from oding, there is nothing you can do or say that will make him want to stop using. all you can do is began to look out for yourself just like your counselor suggested. if you can't do it physically then maybe you can start by detaching emotionally and financially, keep going to the meetings and posting here. began to put away a little money in a seperate place that he don't know about, and just try to figure out an exit plan, just in case you need to, when its time and you feel that you are able, you will know when you can do it physically. it can get better for you even if it don't get better for him, its your life, your choices. keeping you and your in my prayers
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Perhaps rather than keeping him from an OD... you are keeping him from recovery.
That was the message I finally heard that helped me. Knowing that by providing a roof over her head, a warm bed and hot meals, I was FACILITATING my daughter's continued drug use.
Hard place to get to... but each of us has to get there to move through to the other side. Perhaps the pain you're feeling is just a sign that you ARE moving in the right direction? We don't all move at the same pace... and here's one from my Alanon meetings that I hated for a while: "Time takes time". ... but it is true.
(((hugs)))
That was the message I finally heard that helped me. Knowing that by providing a roof over her head, a warm bed and hot meals, I was FACILITATING my daughter's continued drug use.
Hard place to get to... but each of us has to get there to move through to the other side. Perhaps the pain you're feeling is just a sign that you ARE moving in the right direction? We don't all move at the same pace... and here's one from my Alanon meetings that I hated for a while: "Time takes time". ... but it is true.
(((hugs)))
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Wow, the line from bigsis hit me, " perhaps instead of keeping him from OD'ing, you are keeping him from recovery." I have a son that is struggling with staying clean after 3 months in rehab....I know how hard this must be for you..i feel your pain in your words. Know that we have all been there at one time or another. The feeling of exhaustion, of getting ready to run a marathon and not even wanting to go around the block, i can relate to. No words of wisdom here, just a hug and hope for your recovery. After all, that is really all we can control.
krhea
krhea
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
2you,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.....
I agree with BigSis, as you may be thinking you're helping, but you may be hindering his recovery. Unfortunately, I, too,felt I could save my sons, and it took a long time to turn them both over to someone I trusted....my H.P.
Now the problem is, how to do that, how to detach? Step by step..Start with the first step, you are powerless, and when you get that one, you can move on from there.
Glad you're here
Glad you found us....
Hugs, and prayers coming your way....
Welcome to Sober Recovery.....
I agree with BigSis, as you may be thinking you're helping, but you may be hindering his recovery. Unfortunately, I, too,felt I could save my sons, and it took a long time to turn them both over to someone I trusted....my H.P.
Now the problem is, how to do that, how to detach? Step by step..Start with the first step, you are powerless, and when you get that one, you can move on from there.
Glad you're here
Glad you found us....
Hugs, and prayers coming your way....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Elana 
I suggest two things:
Alanon meetings or Naranon meetings are very very good and learning that program has hugely helped me.
"CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Read the book. Do the exercises. UIt helps a lot.
Alanon meetings or Naranon meetings are very very good and learning that program has hugely helped me.
"CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Read the book. Do the exercises. UIt helps a lot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by hope213
welcome looking, you are among people that care.i am glad you found us.first off you are not responsiable for his actions.if he is going to use you are right you can not stop him.the 3cs here are i did not CAUSE it, i can not CONTROL it,& I can not CURE it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by BigSis
Perhaps rather than keeping him from an OD... you are keeping him from recovery.
Hard place to get to... but each of us has to get there to move through to the other side. Perhaps the pain you're feeling is just a sign that you ARE moving in the right direction? We don't all move at the same pace... and here's one from my Alanon meetings that I hated for a while: "Time takes time". ... but it is true.
(((hugs)))
Hard place to get to... but each of us has to get there to move through to the other side. Perhaps the pain you're feeling is just a sign that you ARE moving in the right direction? We don't all move at the same pace... and here's one from my Alanon meetings that I hated for a while: "Time takes time". ... but it is true.
(((hugs)))
I do feel that I am at least moving in the right direction, even if all that entails is being honest with myself about the fact that there is nothing I can do to control what is going to happen.
I always had concerns for AH but until the OD I was functioning pretty well. I had all these people tell me "you saved his life." It put a pressure on me that I didn't really understand the implications of at the time. On top of that, the social worker who evaluated him put it on me to make a choice as to whether to release him or put him on a psych hold. She even wrote in the release papers that I was to be in charge of his medication (he's a prescription user) as if I had that kind of power! Yeah, right! I am still mad when I think about how she pawned her job off on me. Anyway, I am digressing.
Thank you to everyone who has replied to me. I hope to learn a lot here.
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