Update on AS and impact to Family
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 107
Update on AS and impact to Family
Update on AS
Today, April 28 , he has 116 days sober. For his age and drug of choice (DOC), that is a big, huge step sadly more success that others who fought and worked side by side with him in rehab. I celebrate the return of this young man, who has many years of maturing ahead of him that drug use stunted, yet remained shocked at what he is capable of doing and thinking and deciding on his own.. But most disturbing to me personally, are the ways that I convinced myself and him that it was all going to be ok, he was different from the rest of the world and really didn’t need to go to court by himself over that theft charge… or convince the doctor he needed withdrawal meds after 3 times seeing that same doc who told him to go inpatient and quit wasting his time.
Worst, how I tried to convince his sister that her brother just had special needs, a sensitive nature and we should accommodate him the best we could. This young lady learned to put her needs on a back burner, implode emotionally and find help and support outside of our little dysfunctional family because it was all a big SECRET!
She witnessed 2 drug induced seizures while home alone. She quit bringing friends over because she was embarrassed of her high brother and his high friends. She withdrew and curled up within herself and started lashing out and hating me because I did nothing about it. And of course AS was always on my side, telling me she was wrong to be so angry….I am a poster child for notmykid.org.
AS had at least 5 ER visits and hospitalizations for OD’s, seizures, mental issues. He was diagnosed bipolar, major depressive disorder, OCD, epilepsy………I grabbed ahold of those medical/psychological diagnoses and based all of my excuses for his behavior on those. I brought my entire extended family down that path with me. We all excused bad behavior, impatience, intolerance, isolation, on those conditions. For years. Until finally in Jan of this year he went into rehab and the secrets came out. The family still loves him and are working through various stages of anger and acceptance.
Today, I am grateful that my DD has begun to trust me again and knows that secrets are NOT ok. Each day we have together gets a little better. I am grateful my AS has 116 day sober but know that he is only a second, an hour, a day or a week away from a relapse. He knows that too. He lives in a half way house and we are working on a transition plan.
I know I cannot manage or spin his addiction or choice to use. I place it all in God’s hands. I know I cannot manage my families’ reaction, I can only be honest and apologize for my role and pray for our healing. I struggle daily to find the most functional way to help him with his battle and not take over what he must do on his own.
116 days of sobriety is better than most. Almost all of AS’s friends who use his DOC have relapsed already. The odds of any addict staying sober is 10%. After 1 year the odds increase greatly. Heroin relapse rates on top of that are about 60%.
I don’t mean this to sound discouraging, I am very happy to meet this young many who is no longer filled with excuses about why he can’t do this or that. In fact he often tells me himself why what his mind is telling him is BS and that he needs to pray or meditate or think more on the subject. I know now if I plant a seed it will at least fall into the topsoil and get some attention later on. He does nothing lightly, and that does worry me a bit, because I think he needs to find joy and laughter and silliness in sober ways. And he does, but it doesn’t predominate his day to day life. And that still takes me back to the fact that he had depression issues long before he started using drugs. But what meds he chooses to take need to be his choice now, and I trust our God to guide him in the right direction.
He is still living in the half way house and has a commitment to stay there until early May. He is choosing to stay longer because he wants to know his reasons for leaving are right. He has an interest in a girl there (aged 26 vs. his age 20) who has a shorter sobriety period, a child and some legal issues. He cannot fraternize with her while they both live there and doesn’t want to leave early just to allow that to happen. My gut tells me, while I like her well enough, that she has a lot of issues to work out and I hope AS finds the right girl/lady (what do you call a 20 yr old female any way!) who will understand his sobriety and not bring controversy. Again, my will, not his or God’s necessarily, so I sit back and pray and bite my tongue. The good news is that my parents have agreed to let him live there after he moves out. This is a HUGE sacrifice for them. They have raised their kids, me and my two sisters, significantly helped raise both my kids, allowed me to move back in twice and now help my youngest sister with her 3 kids. My folks are retired, in their young 60’s and deserve their free time! But their first love is their family and I am so blessed by that. AS could move back home but his drug connections and druggie friends are so close by that would be a recipe for disaster. And selfishly the time me and DD have living here alone together are helping to repair the time that this home revolved around her high brother and his friends.
I guess what worries me most now is when to know if he is no longer listening to God’s will in his life. But who am I to judge that? In his life or anyone elses? I guess the point is to listen to God’s will in MY life and know that I am in his care.
Funny, I was pretty sure I was co-dependent in my marriage, and perhaps in subsequent relationships. So I quit dating probably 7 years ago to break that cycle. Turned out I found a way to bring it into my children’s lives. I don’t believe you can love a child too much, but I do believe you can let that love blind you to problems, and to let that love make you afraid to be more of a parent that a friend. I do not claim victory over that situation as I am still walking that zig zagged path. But my gut tells me that passive neglect in the form of saying, sure that is ok, I don’t mind, when your mind tells you NO, that is not what a parent would say is as passively harmful as the open hand of abuse.
My father recently told me that my problem is that I was unable to be a hypocrite. If I did it or had done it, I was unable to tell my kids that they couldn’t. That was very true and telling. We learn from our mistakes and the lines we draw as parents, whether the kids choose to cross them or not, is not as important as the fact that we love them enough to draw those tough lines.
Thanks for listening.
CIM
Today, April 28 , he has 116 days sober. For his age and drug of choice (DOC), that is a big, huge step sadly more success that others who fought and worked side by side with him in rehab. I celebrate the return of this young man, who has many years of maturing ahead of him that drug use stunted, yet remained shocked at what he is capable of doing and thinking and deciding on his own.. But most disturbing to me personally, are the ways that I convinced myself and him that it was all going to be ok, he was different from the rest of the world and really didn’t need to go to court by himself over that theft charge… or convince the doctor he needed withdrawal meds after 3 times seeing that same doc who told him to go inpatient and quit wasting his time.
Worst, how I tried to convince his sister that her brother just had special needs, a sensitive nature and we should accommodate him the best we could. This young lady learned to put her needs on a back burner, implode emotionally and find help and support outside of our little dysfunctional family because it was all a big SECRET!
She witnessed 2 drug induced seizures while home alone. She quit bringing friends over because she was embarrassed of her high brother and his high friends. She withdrew and curled up within herself and started lashing out and hating me because I did nothing about it. And of course AS was always on my side, telling me she was wrong to be so angry….I am a poster child for notmykid.org.
AS had at least 5 ER visits and hospitalizations for OD’s, seizures, mental issues. He was diagnosed bipolar, major depressive disorder, OCD, epilepsy………I grabbed ahold of those medical/psychological diagnoses and based all of my excuses for his behavior on those. I brought my entire extended family down that path with me. We all excused bad behavior, impatience, intolerance, isolation, on those conditions. For years. Until finally in Jan of this year he went into rehab and the secrets came out. The family still loves him and are working through various stages of anger and acceptance.
Today, I am grateful that my DD has begun to trust me again and knows that secrets are NOT ok. Each day we have together gets a little better. I am grateful my AS has 116 day sober but know that he is only a second, an hour, a day or a week away from a relapse. He knows that too. He lives in a half way house and we are working on a transition plan.
I know I cannot manage or spin his addiction or choice to use. I place it all in God’s hands. I know I cannot manage my families’ reaction, I can only be honest and apologize for my role and pray for our healing. I struggle daily to find the most functional way to help him with his battle and not take over what he must do on his own.
116 days of sobriety is better than most. Almost all of AS’s friends who use his DOC have relapsed already. The odds of any addict staying sober is 10%. After 1 year the odds increase greatly. Heroin relapse rates on top of that are about 60%.
I don’t mean this to sound discouraging, I am very happy to meet this young many who is no longer filled with excuses about why he can’t do this or that. In fact he often tells me himself why what his mind is telling him is BS and that he needs to pray or meditate or think more on the subject. I know now if I plant a seed it will at least fall into the topsoil and get some attention later on. He does nothing lightly, and that does worry me a bit, because I think he needs to find joy and laughter and silliness in sober ways. And he does, but it doesn’t predominate his day to day life. And that still takes me back to the fact that he had depression issues long before he started using drugs. But what meds he chooses to take need to be his choice now, and I trust our God to guide him in the right direction.
He is still living in the half way house and has a commitment to stay there until early May. He is choosing to stay longer because he wants to know his reasons for leaving are right. He has an interest in a girl there (aged 26 vs. his age 20) who has a shorter sobriety period, a child and some legal issues. He cannot fraternize with her while they both live there and doesn’t want to leave early just to allow that to happen. My gut tells me, while I like her well enough, that she has a lot of issues to work out and I hope AS finds the right girl/lady (what do you call a 20 yr old female any way!) who will understand his sobriety and not bring controversy. Again, my will, not his or God’s necessarily, so I sit back and pray and bite my tongue. The good news is that my parents have agreed to let him live there after he moves out. This is a HUGE sacrifice for them. They have raised their kids, me and my two sisters, significantly helped raise both my kids, allowed me to move back in twice and now help my youngest sister with her 3 kids. My folks are retired, in their young 60’s and deserve their free time! But their first love is their family and I am so blessed by that. AS could move back home but his drug connections and druggie friends are so close by that would be a recipe for disaster. And selfishly the time me and DD have living here alone together are helping to repair the time that this home revolved around her high brother and his friends.
I guess what worries me most now is when to know if he is no longer listening to God’s will in his life. But who am I to judge that? In his life or anyone elses? I guess the point is to listen to God’s will in MY life and know that I am in his care.
Funny, I was pretty sure I was co-dependent in my marriage, and perhaps in subsequent relationships. So I quit dating probably 7 years ago to break that cycle. Turned out I found a way to bring it into my children’s lives. I don’t believe you can love a child too much, but I do believe you can let that love blind you to problems, and to let that love make you afraid to be more of a parent that a friend. I do not claim victory over that situation as I am still walking that zig zagged path. But my gut tells me that passive neglect in the form of saying, sure that is ok, I don’t mind, when your mind tells you NO, that is not what a parent would say is as passively harmful as the open hand of abuse.
My father recently told me that my problem is that I was unable to be a hypocrite. If I did it or had done it, I was unable to tell my kids that they couldn’t. That was very true and telling. We learn from our mistakes and the lines we draw as parents, whether the kids choose to cross them or not, is not as important as the fact that we love them enough to draw those tough lines.
Thanks for listening.
CIM
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
just want you to know i said a prayer for you & your son & family. we raise our children & do the best we can for them.we make mistakes, sometimes huge mistakes but the truth is when they reach a certain age they are going to do exatly what they want to.i am glad you realized that he was using.your daughter deserves a life. she needs to be able to bring her friends home.i am the mother of an a.s. & i am getting better at letting go of him.i detach because i also deserve a life.i can not stop his using.that is his chioce.i am sorry for his grandparents that he is there. they deserve a life of peace & they will not have it with him.addicts do what addicts do. there quality time on the earth is short. i wish your son the best.i hope he goes to meetings & you & your family find some f.t.f. meetings you all can go to together.
more prayers,
more prayers,
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i'm so proud of you, youre paying attention to yourself, your thoughts and actions, i think that you are a good mothers and a strong one too. i'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. thanks for sharing your thoughts
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Ditto to what BigSis said. That is one of my favorite sayings. It is easy to look back and see our mistakes. It is much harder to see them when we are in the middle of them. We, as parents, do not intentionally mean to hurt our children, addict or not. We are human. I am glad that you are seeing your true son again and that you and your daughter are finding forgiveness and healing. Hugs, Marle
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Wow, thanks for the honest post. It showed me part of me...your good heart and love for your kids shine through. I have often wondered if I loved my kids too much, trying to do for them what they should do for themselves. I've come to the conclusion that I didn't love myself enough..Enough to say no to things that went against my grain, enough to recognize my needs as important, enough to say no even if they would hate me and never come back (which by the way, they always do!) So I work on loving myself and setting my boundaries. It is a day by day journey towards progress but not perfection. You are on the way caught, I applaud you as a mom and as a recovering codie!
krhea
krhea
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Middle,
Looking back, I too, did alot of things that I shouldn't have done, and most likely prolonged the addiction of my 2 sons.
But, I did the best with what I had at the time.
Thank Goodness, I'm just a tad smarter now.
(thank you Alanon, and Sober Recovery....)
Looking back, I too, did alot of things that I shouldn't have done, and most likely prolonged the addiction of my 2 sons.
But, I did the best with what I had at the time.
Thank Goodness, I'm just a tad smarter now.
(thank you Alanon, and Sober Recovery....)
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