How, exactly, do you detach?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Northwest
Posts: 23
How, exactly, do you detach?
Um, warning. This is loooong.
So I've been trying the whole 'detaching' thing and stopped looking for bottles, stopped wondering if he had drank or not (sometimes it's harder to tell), stopped trying to fix it, just let him deal with it on his own. Good, right? Focus on me and our daughter. It only took me 8 years to get here.
The thing is, my AH is a binge drinker. So he can go a couple weeks before diving into a 26er of vodka in one sitting. In secret, of course. All day long he'll be fine then all of a sudden, he isn't. And when he's sober, he wants attention. He wants sex. He asks me to tell him I love him a million times a day. He wants things to be normal. He wants to be included in family things. Of course he does – he’s sober and life is normal when he’s sober. As normal as normal can be, anyway.
He HAS been seeking help. He's been seeing a therapist for over a couple months now. He's been on anti-depressants for a month and a half or so (which is a whole 'nother issue). He's been to four AA meetings (once a week). At least, I think he's going. Who's to say for sure?
His reaction to the ADs freaked me out a bit but the mood swings seem to have levelled off. He genuinely seems happier, not so stressed out and feeling sorry for himself. BUT. He's still drinking on occasion. He admitted to drinking last night (I didn't even know until I came across a bottle today and YES - I for some reason looked in his briefcase when I went to move it today and damn - I was SO mad at myself for doing it). And he somehow managed to sneak some today as he’s been napping since, oh, 4pm. At least he goes to our room when I ask him to because I don’t want my daughter picking up on his passed-outedness nor my anxiety over trying to keep everything normal.
He's not violent. He's not abusive. He just passes out. But I feel so alone and often frustrated. I had a mini-breakdown last week for the first time in years and it scared me. I went to a therapist who made me see how much I had on my plate. It was nice just to get some support more than anything.
I work part-time from the home so I can look after our 3 year old. I do all the finances. I take care of the household and all that entails. He? Works full-time. And sometimes, but not consistently, plays with our daughter. He will for several days on end before bed, then he’ll miss a few days. And he wonders why she doesn’t always want to play with him.
I’m ready to throw in the towel – I fantasize how much easier it would be just looking after myself and daughter and not having to worry about him. I try not to worry about him but he sucks me in on his sober days. I try to keep my distance but then he makes me feel guilty that I’m not supporting him after ‘all he’s doing for us to get himself well’. I don’t want sex with him, much to his chagrin. There is no honesty (although he is usually honest about things AFTER the fact), no trust, and therefore, I don’t feel close to him. Haven’t in ages. And I’m sick of pretending. It’s hard enough pretending to my daughter that everything is okay. Luckily she doesn’t ask why Daddy’s sleeping when he passed out on the couch. There was one episode that involved her – not bad or anything, just him forgetting something he did that threw her into hysterics because he couldn’t find the book he had taken away from her – and it was then I had my little breakdown (cried for hours the next morning).
So how exactly do you remain detached and not get emotionally involved? I’ve tried to pretend that everything is okay, still act like husband and wife, but I’m beginning to resent it. I don’t want to pretend like everything is okay and he does. ‘I’m getting better! Really!’ Like I trust anything he says anymore. So how do I go about my own thing, while living with him, sharing parenting with him (somewhat – taking our daughter to her gymnastics class, etc.), going grocery shopping together, eating and sleeping together (er, sleeping, that is), without getting attached? He accuses me of acting aloof – I have to be in order to keep my own sanity. But he makes it come across like I’m a b*tch for doing so. That I’m not there for him, supporting him, helping him through this. I find the rollercoaster ride is becoming unbearable.
So, do you only detach when they’ve been drinking? Then when they’re not, everything is normal? Or do you detach until they’re sober for some time, until the trust is regained (which in my case, could be quite some time). Or do you boot him out and tell him to get himself better before coming back? Not that he’d leave – it would probably have to be me and I really don’t want to uproot my child at this point.
I mean, I don’t even know if I love him anymore (yes, I say it, just to shut him up). I love who he used to be and the potential he could become. He has good days – more good than bad but the bad, the drinking, is something I just don’t want to deal with anymore. It’s a waste of a day/evening/weekend, and I find every moment precious and not to be wasted. So it kinda vetoes all the good days, you know? Should it? Should I just be thankful he only does it every so often (I think it’s been a couple weeks) and suck it up?
Sorry. This has been long and rambling. Such as the thoughts in my head. I guess my question is – how exactly do you detach from someone who isn’t always drunk and is working on his issues (although it doesn’t seem to be working quite yet) and keep the peace at the same time? Or am I totally being codependent here by giving into his wishes for things to be ‘normal’ and not holding out until I'm sure they are?
I really hope this makes sense. Stream of consciousness writing and all…
So I've been trying the whole 'detaching' thing and stopped looking for bottles, stopped wondering if he had drank or not (sometimes it's harder to tell), stopped trying to fix it, just let him deal with it on his own. Good, right? Focus on me and our daughter. It only took me 8 years to get here.
The thing is, my AH is a binge drinker. So he can go a couple weeks before diving into a 26er of vodka in one sitting. In secret, of course. All day long he'll be fine then all of a sudden, he isn't. And when he's sober, he wants attention. He wants sex. He asks me to tell him I love him a million times a day. He wants things to be normal. He wants to be included in family things. Of course he does – he’s sober and life is normal when he’s sober. As normal as normal can be, anyway.
He HAS been seeking help. He's been seeing a therapist for over a couple months now. He's been on anti-depressants for a month and a half or so (which is a whole 'nother issue). He's been to four AA meetings (once a week). At least, I think he's going. Who's to say for sure?
His reaction to the ADs freaked me out a bit but the mood swings seem to have levelled off. He genuinely seems happier, not so stressed out and feeling sorry for himself. BUT. He's still drinking on occasion. He admitted to drinking last night (I didn't even know until I came across a bottle today and YES - I for some reason looked in his briefcase when I went to move it today and damn - I was SO mad at myself for doing it). And he somehow managed to sneak some today as he’s been napping since, oh, 4pm. At least he goes to our room when I ask him to because I don’t want my daughter picking up on his passed-outedness nor my anxiety over trying to keep everything normal.
He's not violent. He's not abusive. He just passes out. But I feel so alone and often frustrated. I had a mini-breakdown last week for the first time in years and it scared me. I went to a therapist who made me see how much I had on my plate. It was nice just to get some support more than anything.
I work part-time from the home so I can look after our 3 year old. I do all the finances. I take care of the household and all that entails. He? Works full-time. And sometimes, but not consistently, plays with our daughter. He will for several days on end before bed, then he’ll miss a few days. And he wonders why she doesn’t always want to play with him.
I’m ready to throw in the towel – I fantasize how much easier it would be just looking after myself and daughter and not having to worry about him. I try not to worry about him but he sucks me in on his sober days. I try to keep my distance but then he makes me feel guilty that I’m not supporting him after ‘all he’s doing for us to get himself well’. I don’t want sex with him, much to his chagrin. There is no honesty (although he is usually honest about things AFTER the fact), no trust, and therefore, I don’t feel close to him. Haven’t in ages. And I’m sick of pretending. It’s hard enough pretending to my daughter that everything is okay. Luckily she doesn’t ask why Daddy’s sleeping when he passed out on the couch. There was one episode that involved her – not bad or anything, just him forgetting something he did that threw her into hysterics because he couldn’t find the book he had taken away from her – and it was then I had my little breakdown (cried for hours the next morning).
So how exactly do you remain detached and not get emotionally involved? I’ve tried to pretend that everything is okay, still act like husband and wife, but I’m beginning to resent it. I don’t want to pretend like everything is okay and he does. ‘I’m getting better! Really!’ Like I trust anything he says anymore. So how do I go about my own thing, while living with him, sharing parenting with him (somewhat – taking our daughter to her gymnastics class, etc.), going grocery shopping together, eating and sleeping together (er, sleeping, that is), without getting attached? He accuses me of acting aloof – I have to be in order to keep my own sanity. But he makes it come across like I’m a b*tch for doing so. That I’m not there for him, supporting him, helping him through this. I find the rollercoaster ride is becoming unbearable.
So, do you only detach when they’ve been drinking? Then when they’re not, everything is normal? Or do you detach until they’re sober for some time, until the trust is regained (which in my case, could be quite some time). Or do you boot him out and tell him to get himself better before coming back? Not that he’d leave – it would probably have to be me and I really don’t want to uproot my child at this point.
I mean, I don’t even know if I love him anymore (yes, I say it, just to shut him up). I love who he used to be and the potential he could become. He has good days – more good than bad but the bad, the drinking, is something I just don’t want to deal with anymore. It’s a waste of a day/evening/weekend, and I find every moment precious and not to be wasted. So it kinda vetoes all the good days, you know? Should it? Should I just be thankful he only does it every so often (I think it’s been a couple weeks) and suck it up?
Sorry. This has been long and rambling. Such as the thoughts in my head. I guess my question is – how exactly do you detach from someone who isn’t always drunk and is working on his issues (although it doesn’t seem to be working quite yet) and keep the peace at the same time? Or am I totally being codependent here by giving into his wishes for things to be ‘normal’ and not holding out until I'm sure they are?
I really hope this makes sense. Stream of consciousness writing and all…
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Wow! I could have wrote about half this myself.
I'm where you are...learning to detach. My AH of 12 years was sober for 25 days and then drank and now has been sober for 2 days.
You asked if you only detach when they've been drinking? Hmm...I don't think so..IMO!
For me to be able to detach at all I had to set boundaries for myself. I had to say here is what I can deal with drunk or not and here is what I can't. Once I knew what I wanted then I could say what I would accept from him.
I have learned that it is HARD! But liberating, too. It has been worth it. I started small by admitting to myself that I can't save him.
I also learned and read everything I could get my hands on. The people here are so wise and so helpful! They have been there! They know! You will get some great advice here!
Look forward to hearing more from you, Rock!
~Cheryl
I'm where you are...learning to detach. My AH of 12 years was sober for 25 days and then drank and now has been sober for 2 days.
You asked if you only detach when they've been drinking? Hmm...I don't think so..IMO!
For me to be able to detach at all I had to set boundaries for myself. I had to say here is what I can deal with drunk or not and here is what I can't. Once I knew what I wanted then I could say what I would accept from him.
I have learned that it is HARD! But liberating, too. It has been worth it. I started small by admitting to myself that I can't save him.
I also learned and read everything I could get my hands on. The people here are so wise and so helpful! They have been there! They know! You will get some great advice here!
Look forward to hearing more from you, Rock!
~Cheryl
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
I've been thinking about something I said....
I said I don't think you only detach when they've been drinking.
I've sat here wondering if that is true?? Hmm....
Calling on wise people to help with this one......
I said I don't think you only detach when they've been drinking.
I've sat here wondering if that is true?? Hmm....
Calling on wise people to help with this one......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
hi 
i'm not one who can give you an opinion or advice on detaching from an A that you live with, since mine waited until we were no longer together to resume drinking. detaching was probably easier for me, i'm not quite sure how you do that while still married - although others can give you good advice (chero comes to mind offhand).
are you still seeing your therapist? what does she say?
i would say this is probably more your codependency than anything... you aren't sure if you still love him, so why are you still devoting so much time and heartache to him? you said sometimes you feel that it would be better if you left and took care of yourself and your daugther, so what's stopping you? if you want him to stop drinking, you're going to need to set your own boundaries, and determine what will happen if he violates them. he won't quit unless he wants to, and he might want to if he knows you're not going to be there, holding up the image of a happy couple anymore. maybe losing what he has now is what will get him to stop in the long run.
i'm not one who can give you an opinion or advice on detaching from an A that you live with, since mine waited until we were no longer together to resume drinking. detaching was probably easier for me, i'm not quite sure how you do that while still married - although others can give you good advice (chero comes to mind offhand).
are you still seeing your therapist? what does she say?
i would say this is probably more your codependency than anything... you aren't sure if you still love him, so why are you still devoting so much time and heartache to him? you said sometimes you feel that it would be better if you left and took care of yourself and your daugther, so what's stopping you? if you want him to stop drinking, you're going to need to set your own boundaries, and determine what will happen if he violates them. he won't quit unless he wants to, and he might want to if he knows you're not going to be there, holding up the image of a happy couple anymore. maybe losing what he has now is what will get him to stop in the long run.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by chero 
I said I don't think you only detach when they've been drinking.
I've sat here wondering if that is true?? Hmm....
I've sat here wondering if that is true?? Hmm....
i think it's more like detaching from the person that the A has become... drinking or not. detaching from someone who hasn't begun the recovery process... or one who still has the "dry drunk" mentality. hmmm...
yasmin
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: london,uk
Posts: 15
you feel the same way my best freind felt watching me become addicted to cocaine, until one day, she sat me down and confronted me about how she felt and made me feel like the lowest human on earth, i stopped our 20 yr friendhip and hated her for 1.5 yrs, i hated her so much for making me feel like ****, and believe me, she loved me so much, she wanted to help, but an addict until he himself reaches for help, is in DENIAL.
Your story is so close to home, addicts are very very selfish, and yes, they do not realise how they r hurting their loved ones, and especially kids by their behaviour and the need for them to isolate themselves.
You probably feel very left out and also sickened by how someone close to u can lack so much self respect, its very hard when they pass out, u r alone, and just keep picking up the pieces. the next day its back to normal so u hope for the best cause u r a good person.
sweetheart, all i can do is offer u my prayers that he reaches out finally to u and helps himself, HE HAS TO HELP HIMSELF FIRST before you can help him.
My thoughts and prayers r with u.
lots oflove
Your story is so close to home, addicts are very very selfish, and yes, they do not realise how they r hurting their loved ones, and especially kids by their behaviour and the need for them to isolate themselves.
You probably feel very left out and also sickened by how someone close to u can lack so much self respect, its very hard when they pass out, u r alone, and just keep picking up the pieces. the next day its back to normal so u hope for the best cause u r a good person.
sweetheart, all i can do is offer u my prayers that he reaches out finally to u and helps himself, HE HAS TO HELP HIMSELF FIRST before you can help him.
My thoughts and prayers r with u.
lots oflove
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Welcome!! Stay around and keep posting--take what you want and leave the rest.I am not in a situation with a 'binge' drinker-but I am sure there are many who are in this forum.You are feeling all the feelings most of us feel here--you think it sounds confusing--but it isn't to me or any of the others who will answer your posts.
There are some good points here--he works full time--when he is sober he is normal--he is not physically abusing you.He says he is getting help and on antidepressants(which he shouldn't be drinking while taking) and you are seeing a Therapists.
Still he is a closet drinker it sounds like and may be moving on to more than binges.
You feel betrayed and sick about what he has become and how you are going it all alone.
I would think this life style would be more confusing than a full blown raging alcoholic cause you never know what to expect.
Sounds like you are angry-he has not held up his end of the marriage or been consistant in his parenting.And he is lying to you destroying all your trust.
Learn all you can here from others in the same boat.Then you will be able to make choices as to how you want to move forward for YOU....best of luck--vent all you want--writing like this can help you....
There are some good points here--he works full time--when he is sober he is normal--he is not physically abusing you.He says he is getting help and on antidepressants(which he shouldn't be drinking while taking) and you are seeing a Therapists.
Still he is a closet drinker it sounds like and may be moving on to more than binges.
You feel betrayed and sick about what he has become and how you are going it all alone.
I would think this life style would be more confusing than a full blown raging alcoholic cause you never know what to expect.
Sounds like you are angry-he has not held up his end of the marriage or been consistant in his parenting.And he is lying to you destroying all your trust.
Learn all you can here from others in the same boat.Then you will be able to make choices as to how you want to move forward for YOU....best of luck--vent all you want--writing like this can help you....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
It was a long process..me. Cuz I was sick..and I had to hit a bottom.
you would think..if we seperated for the 4th or 5th time...I detached...nope..
Ultimately it was about boundaries and me focusing on myself and working
on myself under the same roof.
She laid in bed sick and was still using..
I could have went off the handle as I did in the past and reverted.
I just went on with my life.
I went to work.....she was still laying bed
I played my guitar...she was still whining
I hung out with friends....she still hasn't call her doctor.
I pray, meditate, went to meetings.....she was still sick
When she tried to blame me for stuff... i say "nope"
I probably would have to be like this even if i got involve with someone else.
you would think..if we seperated for the 4th or 5th time...I detached...nope..
Ultimately it was about boundaries and me focusing on myself and working
on myself under the same roof.
She laid in bed sick and was still using..
I could have went off the handle as I did in the past and reverted.
I just went on with my life.
I went to work.....she was still laying bed
I played my guitar...she was still whining
I hung out with friends....she still hasn't call her doctor.
I pray, meditate, went to meetings.....she was still sick
When she tried to blame me for stuff... i say "nope"
I probably would have to be like this even if i got involve with someone else.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR!
I'm glad you found this site and this forum. You have alot of questions and nobody here can know exactly what you are ready or willing to do in regards to the issues brought up.
What you can do:
Keep you and your daughter safe.
Read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie
Go to Alanon and attend at least 6 meetings before you decide if you like it or not.
Trust is something I give when it is safe for me to do so. Until somebody who has violated _my_ trust proves with their actions over a reasonable period of time...whatever time I feel I need...then I don't offer my trust. It is earned.
I'm glad you found this site and this forum. You have alot of questions and nobody here can know exactly what you are ready or willing to do in regards to the issues brought up.
What you can do:
Keep you and your daughter safe.
Read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie
Go to Alanon and attend at least 6 meetings before you decide if you like it or not.
Trust is something I give when it is safe for me to do so. Until somebody who has violated _my_ trust proves with their actions over a reasonable period of time...whatever time I feel I need...then I don't offer my trust. It is earned.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Northwest
Posts: 23
Chero - I guess I just don't know where to start in setting these 'boundaries'. Lately, after a binge, it's been like 'okay, my boundary is for you to do your thing and me to do mine and we can be polite but I'm not going to emotionally attach to you right now'. Is that even a boundary? I have no idea.
ITFM - I actually don't devote a huge amount of time to worrying about him. I guess I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing and have exhausted all options before giving the marriage the final heave ho. I have left him temporarily before but I realized that it's not going to do any good. He has to change him, I certainly can't. I know that. I've accepted that. Threats won't work. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to deal with everything and everyone. I have a three-year-old that loves her Daddy. And has he begun the recovery process? From all his appointments with therapists, the doctor and his AA meetings, I would have thought so. So I dropped my guard a little. Stupid, I know. When I found the bottle, I just shook my head. I actually don't even get angry anymore. A little disappointed and a lot of just 'oh for Pete's sake' kinda thing.
Yasmin - thanks for the kind words!
Sunflower - confusing is an understatement. I had the same thing growing up (not with alcohol but a father with anger management issues, of which I bore the brunt).
I just want my life back. I'm a happy, positive person. I've managed this long without him dragging me down with him - I built a thick skin as a kid. Dad tried to get to me but never could (which actually made things worse for me, but I was stubborn as heck). But it's SO much work sometimes. He's not a bad guy, he just has a bad problem. That he's trying to fix. But it's not working. I just want a life away from worrying about him. Away from his mental issues, away from his alcoholism. I'm so tired of it all. I feel guilty as hell that I'm still thinking about ending it even though he's in the process of trying to get help. Part of me sees and end to all of this, but part of me doesn't.
I've kinda given myself a few months to think it through, to see what happens now that he's on these meds. And yes, we're both well aware he's not supposed to drink on them, but the doc knows (apparently) and really, there's still nothing I can do about it. I've asked to go to the doc with him to discuss things (my therapist recommended it), but we'll see whether he actually lets me come or not.
The therapist I saw said I seemed tired and stressed (I was that day, having to blast through 13 years of marriage in a 50 minute session). I didn't cry. He said AH needs an in-patient treatment program and recommended one that costs WAY more than we can afford. There's also apparently a week-long spouse program that's still expensive but possibly doable that he recommended for me. I would have to leave my daughter with my folks for the week, as it's out of town. But he said that way, I could learn to deal, and maybe AH would get a good kick in the butt seeing ME do something about it. Still, it's a lotta money.
I'm okay - really I am. I just like to thoroughly think things through, with the least emotion as possible before I make any big decisions that will affect ALL of our lives. But my daughter's getting older and with age comes awareness, and if a few months down the road we are no further than we are today, I'll have done all I can. He's only been in therapy and on the ADs for a couple months. AA has only been a few weeks (went the morning after a binge after he realized for the umpteenth time that he can't control it on his own, as much as he'd like to think he can). So I've got to be patient (something I've never been all that good at).
But please - keep the comments coming. It's nice to hear other perspectives from people that are in the know... No one else I speak to here seems to get it. I'm pretty sure they think I should just give it up by now but they don't exactly come out and say it. And I'm trying really hard to remain objective for my daughter's sake. She's the most important thing in the world to me and I don't want her living in a volatile household like I did. I don't want her picking up on my anxiety or his drunkenness. But I also don't want to take her away from her Daddy.
Man. It is hard, though, knowing the 'right' thing to do.
ITFM - I actually don't devote a huge amount of time to worrying about him. I guess I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing and have exhausted all options before giving the marriage the final heave ho. I have left him temporarily before but I realized that it's not going to do any good. He has to change him, I certainly can't. I know that. I've accepted that. Threats won't work. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to deal with everything and everyone. I have a three-year-old that loves her Daddy. And has he begun the recovery process? From all his appointments with therapists, the doctor and his AA meetings, I would have thought so. So I dropped my guard a little. Stupid, I know. When I found the bottle, I just shook my head. I actually don't even get angry anymore. A little disappointed and a lot of just 'oh for Pete's sake' kinda thing.
Yasmin - thanks for the kind words!
Sunflower - confusing is an understatement. I had the same thing growing up (not with alcohol but a father with anger management issues, of which I bore the brunt).
I just want my life back. I'm a happy, positive person. I've managed this long without him dragging me down with him - I built a thick skin as a kid. Dad tried to get to me but never could (which actually made things worse for me, but I was stubborn as heck). But it's SO much work sometimes. He's not a bad guy, he just has a bad problem. That he's trying to fix. But it's not working. I just want a life away from worrying about him. Away from his mental issues, away from his alcoholism. I'm so tired of it all. I feel guilty as hell that I'm still thinking about ending it even though he's in the process of trying to get help. Part of me sees and end to all of this, but part of me doesn't.
I've kinda given myself a few months to think it through, to see what happens now that he's on these meds. And yes, we're both well aware he's not supposed to drink on them, but the doc knows (apparently) and really, there's still nothing I can do about it. I've asked to go to the doc with him to discuss things (my therapist recommended it), but we'll see whether he actually lets me come or not.
The therapist I saw said I seemed tired and stressed (I was that day, having to blast through 13 years of marriage in a 50 minute session). I didn't cry. He said AH needs an in-patient treatment program and recommended one that costs WAY more than we can afford. There's also apparently a week-long spouse program that's still expensive but possibly doable that he recommended for me. I would have to leave my daughter with my folks for the week, as it's out of town. But he said that way, I could learn to deal, and maybe AH would get a good kick in the butt seeing ME do something about it. Still, it's a lotta money.
I'm okay - really I am. I just like to thoroughly think things through, with the least emotion as possible before I make any big decisions that will affect ALL of our lives. But my daughter's getting older and with age comes awareness, and if a few months down the road we are no further than we are today, I'll have done all I can. He's only been in therapy and on the ADs for a couple months. AA has only been a few weeks (went the morning after a binge after he realized for the umpteenth time that he can't control it on his own, as much as he'd like to think he can). So I've got to be patient (something I've never been all that good at).
But please - keep the comments coming. It's nice to hear other perspectives from people that are in the know... No one else I speak to here seems to get it. I'm pretty sure they think I should just give it up by now but they don't exactly come out and say it. And I'm trying really hard to remain objective for my daughter's sake. She's the most important thing in the world to me and I don't want her living in a volatile household like I did. I don't want her picking up on my anxiety or his drunkenness. But I also don't want to take her away from her Daddy.
Man. It is hard, though, knowing the 'right' thing to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Northwest
Posts: 23
CMC - see, that's how I feel. I don't trust him, how can I 'give' myself to him? Be intimate with him? He kinda wigs me out sometimes. But then he makes me feel like I'm an ungrateful ('I work so hard for you so you can stay home with our daughter' (even though I work part-time too)) prude ('you NEVER want sex'). I don't even like hugging him. I tense up. And then I start to feel like I'M the crazy one. That I'm overreacting.
I'll definitely check out that book. And I'll start Al-Anon on Monday. I've put it off for much too long.
I'll definitely check out that book. And I'll start Al-Anon on Monday. I've put it off for much too long.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
well really you are sick--just as sick as he is from living with it--it takes its toll.
As far as inpatient you can afford --it is out there--but you have to look real hard sometimes for it--your husband should asks the guys at his next AA meeting usually they know all the info on that...
As far as inpatient you can afford --it is out there--but you have to look real hard sometimes for it--your husband should asks the guys at his next AA meeting usually they know all the info on that...
rabye
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 66
Let him pity himself and be selfish, he obviously has to reach rock bottom to see sense, i am an addict and my partner suffered, and all i did was use my addiction to get attention.
Walk away mentally if you can and put yourself number one, cause if he is okay one day and most of the days, he knows what okay is, and he knows when he lets himself go, he is very aware of his actions.
Pray he finds the right path, but look after yourself and daughter and dont let her see him in a bad way.
kids can feel it, i know mine did.
Walk away mentally if you can and put yourself number one, cause if he is okay one day and most of the days, he knows what okay is, and he knows when he lets himself go, he is very aware of his actions.
Pray he finds the right path, but look after yourself and daughter and dont let her see him in a bad way.
kids can feel it, i know mine did.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
rock-hardplace, I understand, "I want my life back." I said it so many times. Welcome to SR. Keep reading and keep posting. This board has been my salvation. It is full of wisdom. It is so easy for people who are not dealing with this disease to tell you what to do. My AH also takes AD. For him, the combination of AD and alcohol is not good--to say the least. Personally, I couldn't live with him and detach. It chipped at my soul everyday.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Maybe in some ways it's easier to detach from a daily drinker. At least they are predictable. I think your situation is a pattern of repeated behavior that has recurred enough that you realize you are married to someone you can't rely on.
Love is like anything else in many ways. If it isn't fed, it will die. It sounds like he feeds it enough to keep it alive but toys with just how much poison he can inject into it.
Our minds and bodies can kick into high gear and call on all auxillary help to get through a crisis, it's called fight or flight.
I believe this also pertains to our emotions.
I think your auxillaries worked just fine and now they are exhausted.
You can cross the road a hundred times and not get hit. Then one day you step out and truck runs you over. Bam!
You recover and it's time to cross the road again. You look both ways and your husband even encourages you it's OK.
You step out and it's fine. Over time, you become more comfortable crossing the road. After a hundred safe trips, Bam! You get run over again.
We need to remember these are tramas.
These binges he has are tramas.
Well, after a long course of this, you are pretty much just waiting to get hit by the truck eventually because you know it's coming.
I think you are at the point where you are not recoverig from A trama, but you suffer the arthritis of all the cumulative tramas and it's time to stop trying to cross the road.
I think with daily drinkers we can detach because it's like a daily slap. Binge drinker just periodocally sucker punch you when you least expect it.
I can say, my husband drinks from about 10:00am till bedtime daily. I have a pattern to work with for detaching. You don't have that. Out of all the things we can rely on, his drinking pattern is about the only thing that runs like clockwork around here.
The hundred days of no trama aren't enough anymore. There's always some permanent damage and you've reached your threshold. When he asks if you love him, I'd tell him to sit down.....
Love is like anything else in many ways. If it isn't fed, it will die. It sounds like he feeds it enough to keep it alive but toys with just how much poison he can inject into it.
Our minds and bodies can kick into high gear and call on all auxillary help to get through a crisis, it's called fight or flight.
I believe this also pertains to our emotions.
I think your auxillaries worked just fine and now they are exhausted.
You can cross the road a hundred times and not get hit. Then one day you step out and truck runs you over. Bam!
You recover and it's time to cross the road again. You look both ways and your husband even encourages you it's OK.
You step out and it's fine. Over time, you become more comfortable crossing the road. After a hundred safe trips, Bam! You get run over again.
We need to remember these are tramas.
These binges he has are tramas.
Well, after a long course of this, you are pretty much just waiting to get hit by the truck eventually because you know it's coming.
I think you are at the point where you are not recoverig from A trama, but you suffer the arthritis of all the cumulative tramas and it's time to stop trying to cross the road.
I think with daily drinkers we can detach because it's like a daily slap. Binge drinker just periodocally sucker punch you when you least expect it.
I can say, my husband drinks from about 10:00am till bedtime daily. I have a pattern to work with for detaching. You don't have that. Out of all the things we can rely on, his drinking pattern is about the only thing that runs like clockwork around here.
The hundred days of no trama aren't enough anymore. There's always some permanent damage and you've reached your threshold. When he asks if you love him, I'd tell him to sit down.....
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Detaching is difficult. My Mom is my alcoholic, she has been drinling for over 60 years no end in sight.
My bounderies, if you call me and are drunk, I hang up and unplug the phone. If you get drunk and start your crap when we are out somewhere, I leave, just walk out the door, no conversation or confrontation. If you come over and are drunk, you cannot come in my home. This has worked for me. I always stick to my bounderies with her, if I don't she'll run all over me.
Then there is my ex-abf, when we met he was clean for over a year..so, I thought maybe, just maybe this will work...NOT, first he started to use, then he started to drink to stop himself from using, then he became addicted to alcohol and drgus both.
He was a binge druggie, and a daily drinker, and one mean drunk he was...I detached, when he was out on a 3 dayer, I didn't even give him a thought, I was too busy making my my plan to get rid of him. I made my plan, I followed through, I let him go. During the times he was clean and sober, I went about my business, I was courteous, yet, unavailable...the last six weeks he was here, he slept in the guest bedroom, he knew there was no future with me, he had lost that right, that place in my life.
I won't go into my long story, suffice to say, I deserved better, and was bound and determined to get the life I so desired.
He's gone, he is in prison, had himself arrested in my front yard, I am free, I am happy, I am at peace. Life is grand!
My bounderies, if you call me and are drunk, I hang up and unplug the phone. If you get drunk and start your crap when we are out somewhere, I leave, just walk out the door, no conversation or confrontation. If you come over and are drunk, you cannot come in my home. This has worked for me. I always stick to my bounderies with her, if I don't she'll run all over me.
Then there is my ex-abf, when we met he was clean for over a year..so, I thought maybe, just maybe this will work...NOT, first he started to use, then he started to drink to stop himself from using, then he became addicted to alcohol and drgus both.
He was a binge druggie, and a daily drinker, and one mean drunk he was...I detached, when he was out on a 3 dayer, I didn't even give him a thought, I was too busy making my my plan to get rid of him. I made my plan, I followed through, I let him go. During the times he was clean and sober, I went about my business, I was courteous, yet, unavailable...the last six weeks he was here, he slept in the guest bedroom, he knew there was no future with me, he had lost that right, that place in my life.
I won't go into my long story, suffice to say, I deserved better, and was bound and determined to get the life I so desired.
He's gone, he is in prison, had himself arrested in my front yard, I am free, I am happy, I am at peace. Life is grand!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I never understood the distinction. From my side of it, a binge drinker may as well be a daily drinker, because I would worry every day waiting for it to happen. I think I'm going to title my song "My Recovery Has Nothing to Do with What Day you Drink."
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
my A is a sometimes daily drinker, sometimes binge drinker, and an occasional binge drugee....so i can relate. the never knowing is terrible....bottom line is they are unreliable and cannot be counted on.
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