teke

ok, i suggested to my ah that i couldn't live the way that we've been living and he suggested that maybe we need to seperate, but ask if i could give him time to start looking, now what that meant, at the time i didn't know. i called him to ask if he was planning to come here today and he replied that he was trying to get into a motel, so i asked him that if he feels that way for him to not come back here, and that he is welcome to send his brother at his clothes, and the reason being, he has called his bro to move him back and forth all these yrs anyway. i may be wrong, but i feel that he is setting himself up to use, sooner or later and i really don't want to have no part in all of that.

he claims that he's tired of me disrespecting him, i'm thinking that he thinks that its disrespectful if i talk about his infidelity while using, he always says that he hasn't done anything but i do know his past drug history and if he's using and staying out then thats what i'm gonna think and i won't have anything to do with him. he talks about me not cleaning the house as an excuse to stay out i guess, mind you, while he was crashing the other day, he couldn't live without me in his life. today after payday and money in his pocket, its a diff. story.

anyway, i tried to explain to him what he was doing and saying but he refuse to hear me, now its all my fault again. well he told me not to call him anymore. i don't feel wrong and i feel like i did what i needed to do for me, i did think about it and i did check my motives but what i did was, had my service suspended on the phone that i bought him for his birthday. the reason i did that was because i want to make sure that i didn't have to struggle to call him when he told me not to.

my question is was i wrong, i can have it unsuspended with just a phone call but i don't want to know how to contact him and i think that i may have to struggle not to if i knew how to. he has the phone, he can always turn the service on in his name, but at least i won't know the number.

i'm not trying to control anything by doing this, i just want to make it easier for me not to call that phone.

marle

Teke, When my daughter went back to her abf last June, I took my Sim card and destroyed it. It was the only way for me to stop the text messaging that I felt obsessed about doing. It worked. Since then she has had her phone cancelled. We were on the same plan but it was in her name. It is funny but I no longer have the urge to contact her unless it is absolutely necessary. I know the story would be different if we still each had our phones. So absolutely turn off the service if it will help you to stop calling him. I have found with my daughter when she is in active addiction, it does no good to try to have a conversation with her. It just goes around in a circle and I get nowhere with her. Either she gets p*ssy or she says what I want to hear to keep me off her back. You do whatever you need to keep yourself moving forward in your recovery. That is what life is about. Looking out for and loving yourself. Hugs, Marle

teke

thanks marle, yes it would be easier for me if i didn't know how to contact him. here we have metro pcs, cell service, no cotract, flat montly rate, all he has to do is stop by the local office and have the phone turned back on but this way, i wont have the number, what i don't know wont hurt and i don't like to talk to him like this cause he can do all he can to be spiteful and say hurtful things that i won't hear if i don't listen. besides the phone is listed in my name and i don't want it to be. i don't feel wrong because i believe that my motives are pure and all about my feelings, but i still may be wrong, i don't know.

helpus

Teke, no advice , just hugs. sorry bout all you have going on.

Elana

I will agree that if you are doing this for YOU (and it sounds like you are) then that is a good thing. You have checked your motives and it sounds like you know yourself and how you react and this is a way to help you keep a boundary in place.

This is all so very hard I know.

I will keep praying for ya!

(((Teke)))

mjpaao

Hi Teke,
I don't have any advice, you are certainly wiser than I. Just wanted to give you a big hug, your family will be in my prayers tonight.
(((((Teke))))))))

hope213

(((((teke)))) trust your own judgement, you are doing good. sorry you are going thru this. prayers for u & him & your family.

patchoulli

I am sorry that you have to go thru this crap...You are such a good person and have been thru so much...I'm thinking of you......marian

Wascally Wabbit

Don't forget that the addict usually blames others for their having to use, and they justify the heck out of their actions.

mooselips

Awww Teke,
You indeed did a good thing for yourself. There were no ulterior motives, right?
You're saving yourself Teke, it's a good thing.

I did the same here when the sons were using, I cancelled all collect calls. For MY sanity. Looking back, I'm glad I did it at the time.

It's all about you Teke...
do something good for yourself, okay?

Hugs,

Blackrose2756

You did check your motives, & I know what you are saying. So, I think you did a good thing. As you said, he can turn it on in his own name. Which is him taking responsibility for what he needs to do. And I think you are looking out for your best interests. If you think he's setting himself up, you are probably right, & if all you can do is remind him of things he did in the past, then maybe you need to split up right now. (Don't take that wrong. Even when my ex was trying to stay clean & sober & working on a program, I was having a hard time forgetting all the things he did when he was using. And it wasn't helping either of us.)

You need my favorite song...."My Give a Damn's Busted".

My ex was as good as your H in saying hurtful, spiteful, nasty, mean....things when he was using. And when I threw him out. In fact, his whole life now is his way of "hurting" me for throwing him out.

Hmmmmm....but he could have gotten clean & sober & come home.....seems they are in the driver's seat...your H & my ex.

Hang in there. You've been great when I needed you. You got a good program.

Lynne

venusinlibra

I understand what you are going through, in a way the phone is a source of control. His excuse not to call you and you don't give him the freedom of calling anyone else. His mumbo jumbo about disrespect is a reflection of his lack of respect for you and himself. He is trying to manipulate you. My ABF went into a sober house and there is the push me/pull me routine. It does get easier day by day, go to a Alanon meeting in your area, it will give you the strength and support you need.

ConcernedBigSis

(((Teke))) I have no words of wisdom for you.
You know what is right for you.
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and I love ya. And I agree with bluesgirl, you definately deserve better.

Brownie

Dearest Teke - You are on my Prayer List Teke - you always were - I have a list I keep updated in "Documents" - I haven't any advice for you but I would say I myself would rely on your instincts - You help so many with your thoughtful posts. Just got to share with you that I was so down today wanting to see my AD wishing I still had contact with a friend in the city where we used to live - well she called tonight - amazing! God is good - give the decision to your HP Teke - Sending Love>>>>>>>

caughtinthemid

Good advice. and one of the best pieces I got while my AS was in rehab. I am sorry for your grief, but we gotta do what we gotta do. Best of luck and prayers for you.

CIM

Elana

How you doing today Girl? Been thinking about you.

Just a question:
If the house isn't clean enough for a guy, how come it is ALWAYS the woman's fault? Is the man incapable of pickingup a broom, a vacuum cleaner or a mop?

My XABF used to complain that his former GF was a "pig" and kept a "filthy house." I don't... but I often thought if the place ain't the way you like it pal, PITCH IN!!! CLEAN A BATHROOM!
He had his own pvt. bath room in my house. When he announced he was moving out, I stopped cleaning it every week. It went a MONTH uncleaned. Not a drop of Lysol or Scouring powder was used by him. He was the only person using the bathroom.. seems to me the reaal "pig" got revealed huh?

So, lady, don't EVER let him lay that "house isn't clean" trip on you. Its just smoke and mirrors.. what addicts are good at doing.

rozied

Hi Teke, Honey I feel the same way as you do. You cannot reason with an addict. No matter what they did they always twist it around to blame you or someone else. I think you know what my As has just done, well now it is because he is trying so hard to do right but his past mistakes are " stone walling " him. " If anyone had my problems they would kill themselves " He is always feeling sorry for himself. I am at the end of my rope with him also. How can you reason with someone whose thinking is so distorted.
I think your motives are pure & all you are doing is protecting yourself,
Love,
Diane

tropikgal2

Teke, I am sorry you are having to sort out all these loose ends. Yeah, I think you did the right thing with the phone business.
You asked for frank talk, and so I am going to give it to you. I know you have been married or at least together with this man for a long long time. I think you have a bunch of kids, and that usually means you have a serious financial responsibility. I will assume that with all those children being a full-time job (!!!) that you do not work outside the home (God bless you if you do, dear!!), so you rely on your AH for $$ when he gets his act together enough to provide. Plus, you guys have been split up and back together numerous times over the years. Based on all this, it is safe for HIM to assume that after you "get over it" and he says all the right things, you will take him back once again. Right? Ok, so here it is.....brace yourself.....if that is true, and you will take him back when you KNOW there is a good chance based on 20+ years of behaviour that he will choose to use (I am NOT using the word relapse, OK?) at some point, and you will do this same old song and dance over again, why even bother to kick him out?? I am not saying you should live like that. Frankly, based on your posts I think you are a caring, worthy individual who deserves a really good life. You pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and got clean, and did the right hting for yourself and your kids, so I say you deserve BETTER than that. But, if you are going to just do this over and over and over again, why even bother. Either A), kick him out for good or B) quit playing charades and keep an active addict around.
Now, if I am out of line here (which I probably am) you need to LET ME KNOW!! Sometimes I am just too blunt. But, I really like you (well, your online personality anyway) and I recommend that you really examine this and whether or not you want to live the rest of your life like this. I guess you probably have at least 40 or 50 years to go, right? Make those years count.
((HUGS)))

notsleepingwell

(((Teke)))
I think you know exactly what you are doing, and whatever you do, it is the right thing at the time. Take care of you my friend!!!! We're with you!!!!!!
NSW

teke

i think you're right trokic about doing the same thing over and over, i don't know why i've done it in the past, i don't want to do this for the rest of my life and i don't know how many more yrs i have left, i'm almost 54 already. today, i don't desire another man in my life and 5 of my kids are already grown and gone and my babies are almost 15 & 17, its not about finances, i'm in a position to handle my own expenses even though i don't work. i have my own place already so i guess its just that i know that there is always hope but i don't know what i'm hoping for other than to see him sober, as for the marriage, i have no thoughts really.

until i came here and left and came back resently, i honestly didn't know any better, how i can say that i don't know, but its the truth, being here has helped me to regain some clarity about what has been going on in my life with him all along. i was so sick, he had actually convinced me, my kids, my family and his family that i was crazy and i honestly believed him and thought that i had to be there for him or else i'd end of in a institution. i guess i thought that he was my only hope.

during the yrs past, i've seen him with other women sexually and was convinced that i was either imagining things or that i asked for that to happen, crazy huh? i still believe it to the point that i was so confused when i came here, until i didn't realize that how all of that had effected me. this part of the reason why i question him about his infidelities the other day after his relapse. this is what sparked this whole incident. i mean once i was even named by him after 2 yrs seperation with no contact, to the health department to get treated for syphillis, thank god i didn't have it but it still happened and he thinks that i should get over the past while he still continue to use from time to time.

i first went back after his 2 yr prison term because i thought he had a clean bill of health and i thought that as long as he don't use then he'll do the right thing, same reason i allowed him back after rehab, so i guess its the hope that keeps me doing the same thing, but i will not stay with him and allow myself to become mentally ill again, whether i divorce or not. somebody please tell me your opinion on all of this, this is apart of my story that i don't think i ever shared with anyone