one week today....
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
one week today....
well, it is one week today since i have seen my A. and 3 days since we have spoken. this is also the first weekend i have not seen him since last july. i was feeling pretty strong all week but am feeling myself falter a bit today...
he called last night from somewhere nearby saying he wanted to surprise me and work things out...but obviously i didn't want him with me because i didn't answer my phone...of course he was slurring his way through the message - and while the truth is that i don't want him with me if he is drunk, part of it still tugged at my heart....then i got angry that he assumed if he just showed up and suprised me it would make everything ok. i guess i can't really blame him for trying though, since it has worked in the past.
i left him a voice mail this morning telling him that i got his message, and that i don't want to see or talk to him when he has been drinking but if he would like to contact me when he is not drinking, there is a lot i would like to say and told him that i love him. i also told him that this is something that is not going to blow over or just go away. it is decision time for me as well as him.
i can't help thinking about where he is or what he is doing - i keep catching myself. i know it is not good for me and makes me upset. i am trying to keep busy but not having much fun - any suggestions on how to keep my mind from going there?? does it sound like i am doing ok?? ugh! i am also so PISSED that i am going to probably have to get over him and start all over again!!!! I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO DO THAT!!!! GRRRRR!
phew....thanks for letting me get that out.....
he called last night from somewhere nearby saying he wanted to surprise me and work things out...but obviously i didn't want him with me because i didn't answer my phone...of course he was slurring his way through the message - and while the truth is that i don't want him with me if he is drunk, part of it still tugged at my heart....then i got angry that he assumed if he just showed up and suprised me it would make everything ok. i guess i can't really blame him for trying though, since it has worked in the past.
i left him a voice mail this morning telling him that i got his message, and that i don't want to see or talk to him when he has been drinking but if he would like to contact me when he is not drinking, there is a lot i would like to say and told him that i love him. i also told him that this is something that is not going to blow over or just go away. it is decision time for me as well as him.
i can't help thinking about where he is or what he is doing - i keep catching myself. i know it is not good for me and makes me upset. i am trying to keep busy but not having much fun - any suggestions on how to keep my mind from going there?? does it sound like i am doing ok?? ugh! i am also so PISSED that i am going to probably have to get over him and start all over again!!!! I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO DO THAT!!!! GRRRRR!
phew....thanks for letting me get that out.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
kglast, I feel your pain. It will be one week ago tomorrow since I have last seen my AH. From what I understand, he has been living out of his car or some seedy, by-the-hour hotel room ever since. I too often catch myself wondering what he is doing, or even better, is he still even alive. Has he drank himself to death once and for all, is he wrapped around some tree after driving drunk, etc.
I've been keeping busy this week by painting. Yes, painting. Walls, furniture - anything stationary is fair game at this point. I just finished washing and blow drying all 4 of my beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful dogs. At least they will smell good when they are snuggling up next to me tonight.
I've been keeping busy this week by painting. Yes, painting. Walls, furniture - anything stationary is fair game at this point. I just finished washing and blow drying all 4 of my beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful dogs. At least they will smell good when they are snuggling up next to me tonight.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
boy have i been in your shoes!
last friday was the last time i saw my A - not for long, but we live in the same apartment complex so it's kind of hard to avoid each other. we didn't talk again until last night, and even as we talked, i could feel myself be distant ... things just weren't the same ... and i never thought i would get there, ever! even a week ago, if she would have talked to me, sober, i would have started the same stupid cycle all over again. not having any contact, for even a few days, really helped me see that i don't want this relationship anymore. even when i think she's sober when talking to me, she's not! even if she'd be sober with me for our conversation (like the one you want to have with your ex), i can guarantee she'd drink right after and not even remember what we talked about the next day.
i've learned not to make the effort, not to talk, etc, because i only end up feeling like a loser afterwards. then i wonder why she's not making any effort, why won't she tell me the things i want to hear, and i only end up beating myself up for letting her back in. she could probably tell me today that she she's going to be sober and be with me forever, and i'd probably believe her - but i'd want her to have a year of sobriety under her belt first. now i'm rambling...
i say, if you have something to say to him, take your time to write it in a letter or an email. and be done with it from there. tell him whatever you want to say ... a year of sobriety or whatever it is ... and leave it in his court. if he's drunk when he gets the letter, chances are, he'll read it again when he's sober - at some point.
to distract myself, i get engrossed in a book. my favorite author is jodi picoult... her books make me think about absolutely nothing else in the world while i'm reading... and i've found that they've helped me greatly the past few months.
last friday was the last time i saw my A - not for long, but we live in the same apartment complex so it's kind of hard to avoid each other. we didn't talk again until last night, and even as we talked, i could feel myself be distant ... things just weren't the same ... and i never thought i would get there, ever! even a week ago, if she would have talked to me, sober, i would have started the same stupid cycle all over again. not having any contact, for even a few days, really helped me see that i don't want this relationship anymore. even when i think she's sober when talking to me, she's not! even if she'd be sober with me for our conversation (like the one you want to have with your ex), i can guarantee she'd drink right after and not even remember what we talked about the next day.
i've learned not to make the effort, not to talk, etc, because i only end up feeling like a loser afterwards. then i wonder why she's not making any effort, why won't she tell me the things i want to hear, and i only end up beating myself up for letting her back in. she could probably tell me today that she she's going to be sober and be with me forever, and i'd probably believe her - but i'd want her to have a year of sobriety under her belt first. now i'm rambling...
i say, if you have something to say to him, take your time to write it in a letter or an email. and be done with it from there. tell him whatever you want to say ... a year of sobriety or whatever it is ... and leave it in his court. if he's drunk when he gets the letter, chances are, he'll read it again when he's sober - at some point.
to distract myself, i get engrossed in a book. my favorite author is jodi picoult... her books make me think about absolutely nothing else in the world while i'm reading... and i've found that they've helped me greatly the past few months.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
thanks you guys....i am having a really hard moment right now...tears streaming down my face....i miss the sober man who is with me at church on sunday mornings, the loving person trapped in the addicition...it is just making me so sad...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
it makes me sad that you're sad! 
i found a little journal that my ex and i had written notes in to each other back and forth, i sat on my bed and read it and cried, remembering the person she used to be. believe me, i've had dreams where she was back to her old self again, and i wake up just wanting to cry. we all have those days, but as time goes by, i think they get further and further apart. let yourself cry, i can promise you that a few months from now, you'll be a whole new person, and those tears will stop.
i found a little journal that my ex and i had written notes in to each other back and forth, i sat on my bed and read it and cried, remembering the person she used to be. believe me, i've had dreams where she was back to her old self again, and i wake up just wanting to cry. we all have those days, but as time goes by, i think they get further and further apart. let yourself cry, i can promise you that a few months from now, you'll be a whole new person, and those tears will stop.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
ITFM - thank you for sharing....i have had a good cry - i am going to go get in the shower, one of my friends is on her way over and we are going to head out for a while - i am going to try to have some fun...and i will leave my cell phone at home!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
kglast, just wanted to say that I understand the tears and the pain. It is awful. I wouldn't wish this type of pain on anyone. At times, for me, it has been almost unbearable. Please give yourself some time. I promise it will get better--I never thought I could make that statement but today I can. Just hang on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hey (((KG)))
Hope you had a good time out tonight. It's good for you to get out...even if you have to force yourself. It took a while for me to be able to do anything and not think (obsess/worry) about my AH. I left in January, and I don't think I was able to enjoy myself out and about for a couple of months. It takes time. And there's still hard moments.
I totally know what you mean about being angry about starting over. ugh. I feel the same. Most of the time I just accept it as the journey I'm supposed to be on...and count my blessings. But, yeah, there's definitely moments when I just get so pissed.
Hope you had a good time out tonight. It's good for you to get out...even if you have to force yourself. It took a while for me to be able to do anything and not think (obsess/worry) about my AH. I left in January, and I don't think I was able to enjoy myself out and about for a couple of months. It takes time. And there's still hard moments.
I totally know what you mean about being angry about starting over. ugh. I feel the same. Most of the time I just accept it as the journey I'm supposed to be on...and count my blessings. But, yeah, there's definitely moments when I just get so pissed.
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