ICU

Had a weird reaction today...please bear with me as I talk outloud here....

I ran out to the convenience store and picked up a few things a little while ago. Went back to my car and I literally 'felt' someone's eyes burning into me. I turned to look and it was some guy...I stared back for a minute thinking maybe it was someone I 'knew'...but it wasn't.

I started locking up my car, putting my seat belt on and as I was getting ready to drive away, he approached me. I rolled down the window just enough so I could hear what he was saying. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I blindly answered 'no'. He then asked for my phone number and said maybe we could get together.

Immediately, and this is the part that bothers me....I almost replied, "no, I'm in love with _____ (fill in name of my ex). It felt like he was asking me to cheat on my ex! Those reactions surprised me. Thankfully I recovered enough to say, "I'm sorry, I'm just not ready to do that right now" (which is also true). He said ok, then said goodbye.

Then I cried all the way home, which wasn't so different from crying all the way to the convenience store in the first place (yes, thinking about my ex....sigh).

This got me to think about my codependency recovery efforts. I've tackeled so many critical issues to keep me safe and in a good place mentally. I've let go without too much trouble, of the angry, violent and alcoholic part of my ex, did what I had to do to keep him away from me, let go of other less than healthy relationships in my life, learned about and enforced boundaries, learned to love myself more....etc....

But no matter how much I've told and forced myself to believe I am over him because I 'have to be' in order to remain safe and mentally healthy, and to break my addiction of him, it hasn't done a darn thing to diminish the 'love' I 'still' feel for him. It's just not a compassionate type of love, but a romantic type of love, and all that it implies!

Does all romantic love die in time, or does 'some' romantic love just never die? And if the latter is true, can we really ever 'completely and in a healthy way' love someone else if you can't stopping loving the prior one? Would it be fair to either party to even try if you know this in your heart? Can one ever really even just 'date' someone else if you're still in love with someone else? I assume that you can't, or maybe it's just 'me' that can't.

If this man today that asked me out was put in my life, however briefly, to show me I need to work on letting go of the 'love' for my ex....ok, well then fine. Just how does one go about doing that? Is it possible to force yourself not to feel what you feel? At this point, I don't think so.

I'm fragile about this right now, so please be on the gentle side, ok?

denny57

(((icu)))

No, I don't think I can force myself to feel anything. I do not have romantic love for AH. I can't begin to point to something and say aha! that's where I fell out of love.

Something similar happened to me about 4-5 months ago, it was outside a restaurant. He asked "are you married?" and my immediate response was yes. Where the heck did that come from? Well, I guess technically I am still married. Now I just think it was my subconscious protecting me in some way.

Thought I can't point to a specific moment regarding the romantic love thing, I can share a bit of the process I think I'm going through: I'm relearning what romantic love is. For MYSELF, I am realizing much of what I thought was mature, adult love was not. So I guess for me it still comes back to doing the work on me.

I fully expect to love again in a romantic way. In fact, I'm starting to look forward to it.

What else do you have planned for the weekend?

Pick-a-name

I don't know the answers to your questions,but i do understand what you are saying/feeling. I know I am not ready....will I ever be? Who knows? Being married almost 30yrs to my A,it is an adjustment in my thinking that I know will take some time.

Bothers me that he didn't seem to have the same problems...but then again he is still active in his disease,so hardly a fair comparison. It does hurt when I think those thoughts (how he "wanted to date")though; although I try not to. Some days I fear I will either never stop loving him or will be disgusted by him....neither a good option! (after spending my entire adult life with him and having our two children in common). UGH. One day at a time is the best I can do.......

mallowcup

I think some of it was the way you were approached. Partly habit. You were with the same man for a long time and you haven't really considered that part of your life. I think when any man approaches the this man did, it is disarming and maybe it was a defense mechanism.
This is a facet of your recovery that you need to face on your own terms not caught off guard by some stranger checking you out in a parking lot.
I think your reaction may be from thinking like a married woman. You responded like a married woman being approached by a man with intentions.
I think this will just open the door for you to give dating some thought but not by being approached by a stranger. Maybe just letting a new man in a little bit, at least thinking about it. I think women are sometimes much more married than they realize.

MsGolightly

i'm not sure that all romantic love dies in time. you were with your husband for a reason - whether it was codependency, love, or a mix of the two. either way, it's not something that will just disappear. "out of sight, out of mind" isn't something that's always true. it's a way of life that you've had to let go of, and while some people are able to let go of the romantic love they once felt for their significant other, some people just aren't. i think the reason why is different for everyone.

i think that yes, despite all of this, you will be able to be in a healthy, loving relationship with someone else. it doesn't mean the love for your ex disappeared, but it means that you were able to find someone else to love you the way you deserve to be loved. i bet it'll be a different kind of love than what you had before. everyone loves people in different ways... the way you loved your ex will be different from the way you'll love the next man. i think you can compare it to those who are widowed. they'd likely still be with their spouses if they were still alive, but they're often able to find new love and happiness with someone else - but it doesn't mean that part of their heart that they gave to their first spouse will now be handed over to someone else ... i'm not sure any of that just made sense. i'll try to think about it and be more eloquent!

but, in all, i think this was just a sign that you're not ready to be with anyone else yet, but that is something that will take time, or something you might even know or feel when you meet the next man you're meant to be with. perhaps the man in the parking lot just wasn't for you, and this was your sign.

Cindi R

You're not alone...
I, too have had almost the same experience...
Someday...perhaps, I'll be ready. Or maybe I never will.
I know that I've told people who ask that it's going to be on God's time, not Cindi's...
I'd love to have someone special to share some things in my live with...but in reality, I'm not that desperate that I'm willing to settle for the first one who comes along...
It's got to be a really great guy...
My man picker is broken, I don't trust my own judgment at all in that department right now
and I still keep getting that feeling that I'm not over the last "real" love of my life...
even though circumstances did not work out for us to be together forever...
I think that I need therapy...or to become a missionary...drop off the face of the earth for about the next 7 years to allow my heart time to heal...
???????????

DesertEyes

Hey there ICU,

Have a

Been there done that. My marriage ended a few years before we divorced. Altogether we were a couple 20yrs. I moved out to a whole new town and whole new friends.

Took me _months_ before I could take off the ring. Had to spend some time on a fourth and fifth step in al-anon to do that. Then I took it down to the salvation army so they could get a little money out of it and some young couple could get a nice ring for cheap.

Took me about a _year_ before I could even think of going out with a woman. I so much felt like I was cheating. Year and a half before I was comfortable going out and dating.

Today I still love that woman I married, the one I met and fell in love with. She was the most gentle, kind and loving soul I had ever met. But she is no longer. She has gone her own way and so have I. I will _always_ love the woman she was.

It is that ability to love so deeply, so completely, to the bottom of my soul, that makes me who I am. That love is what I will some day share with another woman, and we will build a new "love nest" just for the two of us. The same way I built one 20 some years ago.

That romantic love in me will _never_ die. It is what makes me a precious child of God. Because I can love so completely I know I will someday find another with which to share that. I am deeply grateful to my HP for giving me that ability to love, and I will always be grateful for the wonderful woman with whom I once shared my life. My life has been an amazing journey, and I will always cherish the good times.

You have that gift too, ICU. You also love to the depths of your soul. That's why you are here, among all the rest of us who love that way. You will heal from this pain, just like all the rest of us have. You will build a new life for you, and you will find another with which to share it.

I'm dating a charming young lady. She's kind and gentle and compassionate and has a soul full of love for others. She's also half-marine and half-biker, so I dunno that this old fart has a prayer of keeping up with her *lol* But I'm giving it my best. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, dunno if this lady will be my next soul-mate, but I'm going to give it my best.

Have another and know that you too are a precious child of God. I _know_ you are cuz you hurt the same way I do, the same way all of us here do. I'm praying for you every day. Someday soon you will be sharing with us about a new love, and about all the wonderful new things in the life you are building for yourself.

Mike

Jazzman

Love, shmuv I say. Looking for a monastery myself.

Just what the heck happened to me?
Was it really all the Disney movies I saw as a child?
I mean really... Was I imagining all that?

Anyway, celibacy must be good for soul searching cuz it seems to be the thing for religious zealots. Lemme know what you figure out ICU, I could use a clue.

ICU

The way the man approached me kind of made me sick to my stomach to be perfectly honest! Talk about a convenience store - I can just see his mental shopping list....go to WaWa, pick up cigarettes, soda, munchies...a woman! At least if you're going to try to pick me up in a parking lot, can we make it at TIffany's, Macy's, or even Target would be a step up over WaWa for crying out loud!!!! What, do I have the word DESPARATE written on my forehead? No wait, that can't be it...I have bangs!

Maybe it was his approach (and location) that brought out my defenses. But the fact that the very first thought that came to my mind was that I still love my ex 'that way' and then to feel like I was being asked to cheat on my him, kind of felt like I had been run over by a Mack truck.

It's funny, no, actually very sad...my ex used to accuse me of cheating on him all the time...a theory that existed only in his mind. I understand where that comes from now. Wonder what he would think if he knew I still haven't been with anyone since we split. I would love to be a fly on that wall should there ever come a time that he would realize that.

I like the analogy about love and being a widow (although I was never married to my ex). It makes sense that as a widow, you can still be in love with your deceased husband, and in 'time' move on to a new love, if you're lucky enough to find a new one. I hadn't thought about it that way. Interestingly enough, in my situation I kind of do feel like a widow. Since there is no contact due to the restraining order, there never was a time for face-to-face closure. Never will be.

I think you've touched on something Mallow. Maybe it's time I consider the possibility of allowing 'someone else' in. Although I've been fighting giving that any thought...maybe protesting just a tad too much. Maybe, just maybe I'm a little more ready for it than I thought and just need to clean up my previous baggage just a little bit first to be more ready. Naaa...I know I'm not ready.

Cindi, name the planet...I might want to join you.

Mike, gosh, next time you are so gentle and sweet in your reply, would you please give me a kleenex warning? My keyboard is all soggy now! Your words, your tone, and your gentleness all remind me of the best part of my ex, the way he used to be! For now, all I can say to you is 'thank you'....just 'thank you'.

Hey Jazz! are you asking the clueless for a clue LOL!!! I'm with you...don't believe in those 'happy ever after' fairy tales....And btw...that must be the ONLY thing celibacy is good for 'cause it sure as heck ain't good for nuthin' else if 'ya catch my drift!!

I'm going to clean the toilets now........

minnie

Sorry to hear that you're struggling today, ICU. I still have days that feel like I'm walking through treacle and, like you, I have worked very hard on myself and get somewhat frustrated when I am stopped in my tracks.

I can't quite relate to what you say about still being romantically in love with your ex. Any love of that nature died for me as soon as I realised that it was only an illusion anyway and that there was no reciprocity - I was simply an object that was used, like all the other women before and after, to gratify his needs. No intimacy, no sharing, no mutual support and regard. As it slowly dawned on me that the R that was presented to me, and the rest of the world, was a facade and any caring or love shown to me was simply a means to an end, I found that there was nothing left to love. I can still feel compassionate love for the baby that R once was, but beyond that I don't know how to love someone I don't know.

As I have said many times before, my healing in relation to this part of the whole shebang started with looking at what was real, not what I hoped it could be. I know that my situation is not unique among the histories on here, however I have no way of knowing just how common it is. I suspect that it happens more often that any of us would care to admit. But regardless, addicts of any kind say all kinds of things to ensure that they are able to continue to use. I have no way of knowing whether any of what he said was true or whther it was all manipulation and for my own sake, I have come down on the side of the latter. His recent words and behaviour have shown me that it's the more likely scenario. It's been much easier to move on once I stopped trying to discect every conversation, wondering whether it was BS or not. I just now assume it was.

I have to say that I would be very rattled if I was approached cold like this guy did to you. Striking up a conversation in a coffee shop or something is one thing, being targeted like that is another. I wonder if that triggered something in you?

As for moving on and being able to love again? I have no idea - I have been single since November 04. I do know that I can love people again, though, because I have met some wonderful people since that time who mean the world to me.

Sunflower

You guys crack me up--celibacy is my middle name.LOL--

As far as the answers about Love? Well this guy caught you off guard--maybe he watched the Oprah special yesterday about approaching people-law of attraction? And he desided what the hay?Because you are so pretty he took a shot at it. You should be flattered.
Love I always believed it never dies--I must have been at Disney as well! But I have had it die myself--and it was my AXH--totally gone...But never ever in my life with anyone else.
(strange I dont love the only one I ever married?)
The few men I have loved in my life--I still have feelings for to this day--if I run into them my heart can still twitter after many years.
Broken hearts--and we have all had them--that takes a long time--knocks the wind out of you.Someone mentioned mourning their A--I think that is true.After having lost several close family member I would have to say for me-that the ''kicked in the stomach'' pain last about a year and tthen mellows.
Give yourself time and when you are ready--put yourself out there--carefully!!!

minnie

Oh, and don't talk to me about celibacy. I think I am becoming a born-again virgin.

Jazzman

When do you become a born-again-virgin anyway? Two years? Three?

*Note to self, don't hit on women outside a WaWa. Doesn't work*

ICU

Hi Minnie. I understand your point and the reasons for it for sure. Your explanation makes far more sense than what I'm about to say...

The only thing I can think of is that my counselor and I had many sessions where she told me to 'just think about the bad, just think about the abuse, just think about how he physically hurt you and how he still could'. A little like brainwashing perhaps? I was so fragile when I first left him I think she believed if I continued to think about the love part, that I would cave in and return to him as soooo many abused women do.

See, while I was with him, I separated my ex into 2 people, because he seemed to be like 2 different people (I've since learned about the 'whole package' theory). It stands to reason that I hated and feared the ugly side. And I dealt with that finally by loving myself enough to end it. That was the absolute right decision, and that, I don't question.

So, in that respect, I think her motive was true and good, she was concerned for my safety. (She also treated him for his anger management....I wonder if she was on to something that she legally could not share with me). Perhaps I took her suggestion too literally for too long. Maybe I shoved the love down too deeply to take out and re-examine when it was safe to do so. And when things get shut out for too long, they build a momentum all their own. Hmmm....this is helping me a little.

It will be 2 years next month...I remember last year at this time I got a little strange in the head too. Maybe that's a part of it.

I'm wondering the same thing too. Maybe it was how easily he approached me.....like he's done this a thousand times.....oh gosh, I think I might be onto something here....

You always find a way to rattle my cage Minnie....(That's a good thing)!

Time to clean the kitchen and bathroom floors I think.

ICU

I think it's only a year! I'm on the accelerated plan!

It does however work at 7-11! I met a wonderful guy there once....fell in love watching a car catch on fire.....another love story....another time!!!

Oh, no, wait, I think I may have given the wrong impression. There actually 'was' a car on fire...the fire department came and everything....oh shoot....just forget it!

Sunflower

hey thats sounds like a good story!!! We wanna hear it!!!!

On the Oprah show the man specialists(tee hee) said the best way /place to meet a guy is at a place like Home Depot?? LOL

Try 15 years!!!!I hope its true what they say about-its like riding a bike-you never forget---hahahaha

minnie

Was the guy a fireman? You sure you didn't set the car on fire?

Anyway, maybe it's time for a reality check on those love feelings for your ex? I can't remember of you are still seeing your counsellor, but it might be an idea to work through that stuff with a third party rather than wade through it on your own.

I know you'll get to the bottom of this - you have such a wonderful way of exploring these kinds of issues, ICU.

Sunflower

Off to Home Depot!!!!

ICU

Nope, he wasn't a fireman, and no, we didn't set the car on fire. (But don't ask me about the deserted beach a few weeks later, 'cause I ain't tellin'!)

Yeah, it might be time for me to ring up my counselor again. Right now my way of working through these things is cleaning my apt. room by room. At least something good will come out of it.

Sunflower...not the Home Depots in my area! And I hope you're right about the other thing too!!

chero

ROFL! Have fun at the Depot...and yep, it's pretty much like riding a bike...there aren't any new rules or anything....just hang on and have fun!