My Intro.......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Clarksville, TN
Posts: 11
My Intro.......
Hi, I have not been to this site in forever, but I think I might be here for awhile now.
What needed to happen finally did. My A wife, after my pleading, used my face as a punching bag, and I let her. All I have is love, maybe a little misplaced or misguided, but I care for her.
She ended up spending 5 days in jail, to be released to the hospital for 2 1/2 days. She says that she had a reaction to some pill that they gave her when they were releasing her. I begrudgingly took her back in, because without me she would be destitute, and it was honestly the most truthful I had seen her in at least 3 yrs. She admitted that she had a problem, finally, and that she would get help. We got into the clinic for an assessment, awaiting follow-up.
I have been very proud of her, I had thought that she had been cold turkey.......its been 3 weeks+ now, and I am finding hidden cans, and bottles around some places that she assumes that I would not look. She even had a can in her hand tonight that, she thinks that I didn't see. Her follow-up appointment was today, where they were to give her an assessment of whether she needed in-patient or out. Needless to say she didnt feel well, and had to reschedule, now its the 8th.
Its been a joy being ignorant, but I was at my limit when she went to jail. I have been miserable for years, my boy (6) and stepson (17) need a caring and nurturing mother. I am in the Army and spend a great deal of time away, my 6 yr old has no clue, but the 17 yr old knows betrayal!!!!!
She has really turned over a new leaf, despite the drinking. She had been a complete shut in. She is a housewife, who up until jail, had been doing absolutely nothing, other than the daily routine of Rum shots and beer from around noon on into the night.
I don't believe that I am codependent but I am not sure. I have little needs, can take care of myself and the boys, but I was under the impression that I had a partner..........
Anyways.........thats all I have for now, dont know what direction this is going at the moment. There are court dates in the future, by law she shouldn't be here with me, she wants me to drop charges. I also filled for divorce that she is expecting me to drop, but in light of the new evidence, I am rethinking that position.
Don't know what else to say, I was happy to be starting fresh, and I now I just don't know. Anyways, Hi.
What needed to happen finally did. My A wife, after my pleading, used my face as a punching bag, and I let her. All I have is love, maybe a little misplaced or misguided, but I care for her.
She ended up spending 5 days in jail, to be released to the hospital for 2 1/2 days. She says that she had a reaction to some pill that they gave her when they were releasing her. I begrudgingly took her back in, because without me she would be destitute, and it was honestly the most truthful I had seen her in at least 3 yrs. She admitted that she had a problem, finally, and that she would get help. We got into the clinic for an assessment, awaiting follow-up.
I have been very proud of her, I had thought that she had been cold turkey.......its been 3 weeks+ now, and I am finding hidden cans, and bottles around some places that she assumes that I would not look. She even had a can in her hand tonight that, she thinks that I didn't see. Her follow-up appointment was today, where they were to give her an assessment of whether she needed in-patient or out. Needless to say she didnt feel well, and had to reschedule, now its the 8th.
Its been a joy being ignorant, but I was at my limit when she went to jail. I have been miserable for years, my boy (6) and stepson (17) need a caring and nurturing mother. I am in the Army and spend a great deal of time away, my 6 yr old has no clue, but the 17 yr old knows betrayal!!!!!
She has really turned over a new leaf, despite the drinking. She had been a complete shut in. She is a housewife, who up until jail, had been doing absolutely nothing, other than the daily routine of Rum shots and beer from around noon on into the night.
I don't believe that I am codependent but I am not sure. I have little needs, can take care of myself and the boys, but I was under the impression that I had a partner..........
Anyways.........thats all I have for now, dont know what direction this is going at the moment. There are court dates in the future, by law she shouldn't be here with me, she wants me to drop charges. I also filled for divorce that she is expecting me to drop, but in light of the new evidence, I am rethinking that position.
Don't know what else to say, I was happy to be starting fresh, and I now I just don't know. Anyways, Hi.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Alcohol addiction is such a devasting all consuming monster that steals those we care about away from us...without true recovery, in time it becomes necessary to make sure we don't get destroyed along with them. My heart breaks for those children ... and for the difficult situation you are in. Here's hoping that you, your children ... and your wife find the peace and serenity you all so desperately need.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome. I am glad you found us. You, my friend, have a full plate. However, the main course on your plate at this point in time is your alcoholic wife ("AW"). I don't know how educated you are about alcoholism, but now is the time to read everything you can get your hands on. Yep, you are codependent (a "codie"). Allowing someone to use your face as a punching bag, your feelings as a doormat, your well-being as something to manipulate ... well, that's what we codies do. Yes, you do have "little" needs because you have sublimated YOUR NEEDS TO HER BIG FAT ALL-ENCOMPASSING SELF-SERVING ADDICTION. Thus, you have stuffed yourself into a tiny little corner - needs included.
Yessiree, Bob, I bet she wants you to drop any and all charges or court proceedings. She needs you. Not only as a punching bag, but as someone to care for the kids while she zones out into laa-laa land courtesy of booze. At this point neither of you have one doggone thing to be proud of. She is lyling to you. You are buying into her crap. She is drinking and hiding it. This is denial. This has nothing whatsoever to do with recovery. This has to do with her b.s.'ing you into believing she is going to clean up her act in order to keep you in the picture.
I'm sorry for sounding harsh. I know you are hurting. I have been in your position. The promises. The rehabs. The lies. The manipulation. The deceit. Have you considered discussing your situation with a chaplain? I have done this (my AH is Army too) and it helped a great deal.
At this point in time you need to take care of yourself and two children. You can feel compassion for her, but you need to remember that there is nothing you can do to get her sober. As far as looking for empty bottles and cans, just stop doing that. It solves nothing. It proves to you she is an alcoholic, but it doesn't mean squat to her.
You CAN start fresh, but at this point in time not with her. You sound like a good, upstanding man. She is ill. Give her the option of getting help or your leaving with the kids. Chances are, she'll make all sorts of promises. Don't bank on her promises. Just my opinion, but by leaving her alone to her own devices, she may decide to face her addiction and get the real help she needs. Just a suggestion.
Please keep posting. I know you want what is best for your family.
Yessiree, Bob, I bet she wants you to drop any and all charges or court proceedings. She needs you. Not only as a punching bag, but as someone to care for the kids while she zones out into laa-laa land courtesy of booze. At this point neither of you have one doggone thing to be proud of. She is lyling to you. You are buying into her crap. She is drinking and hiding it. This is denial. This has nothing whatsoever to do with recovery. This has to do with her b.s.'ing you into believing she is going to clean up her act in order to keep you in the picture.
I'm sorry for sounding harsh. I know you are hurting. I have been in your position. The promises. The rehabs. The lies. The manipulation. The deceit. Have you considered discussing your situation with a chaplain? I have done this (my AH is Army too) and it helped a great deal.
At this point in time you need to take care of yourself and two children. You can feel compassion for her, but you need to remember that there is nothing you can do to get her sober. As far as looking for empty bottles and cans, just stop doing that. It solves nothing. It proves to you she is an alcoholic, but it doesn't mean squat to her.
You CAN start fresh, but at this point in time not with her. You sound like a good, upstanding man. She is ill. Give her the option of getting help or your leaving with the kids. Chances are, she'll make all sorts of promises. Don't bank on her promises. Just my opinion, but by leaving her alone to her own devices, she may decide to face her addiction and get the real help she needs. Just a suggestion.
Please keep posting. I know you want what is best for your family.
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Originally Posted by ScottyC514 
Its been a joy being ignorant
Keep reading...you will find your story so similar to others here that you have to check and see if you wrote it. Even though the majority of alcoholics are the husbands, the disease is still the same. It sucks the life out of all of us, whether male or female.
Welcome, glad you are here. There is also a section on here for children with alcoholic parents.....even though your SS is 17, he may find it helpful. The kids suffer as much as we do, even the little ones.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hi there (((Scotty)))
Nice to meet you. I am so sorry for your troubles. We really understand. sigh. All of us here at SR danced the dance for years (and many still do) with our A's. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Learning that changed the way I thought about my A. I thought for so long that all he had to do was put the bottle down, and *poof* he'd be back to normal and we could have a normal, happy life. I was so ignorant to how deeply sick he really is.
I hope you keep posting
Nice to meet you. I am so sorry for your troubles. We really understand. sigh. All of us here at SR danced the dance for years (and many still do) with our A's. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Learning that changed the way I thought about my A. I thought for so long that all he had to do was put the bottle down, and *poof* he'd be back to normal and we could have a normal, happy life. I was so ignorant to how deeply sick he really is. I hope you keep posting
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome Scotty, glad you're here
No one should live their life "miserable for years." I had one or two years of absolute misery and it almost killed me.
Have you tried some sort of support group, like Al-Anon?
((()))
No one should live their life "miserable for years." I had one or two years of absolute misery and it almost killed me.
Have you tried some sort of support group, like Al-Anon?
((()))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Hi Scotty,
I hear you......ignorance is bless. I think all of us who loved an alcoholic went through that stage of denial. I so much wanted to beleive my xwife was not drinking, but soon the evidence piles up.
She is drinking again......and she will get worse as time goes on. The same behavior patterns will start again. Always remember, alcoholics lie....thats what they do.
You must protect yourself and your kids. You deserve to be happy.
I hear you......ignorance is bless. I think all of us who loved an alcoholic went through that stage of denial. I so much wanted to beleive my xwife was not drinking, but soon the evidence piles up.
She is drinking again......and she will get worse as time goes on. The same behavior patterns will start again. Always remember, alcoholics lie....thats what they do.
You must protect yourself and your kids. You deserve to be happy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Clarksville, TN
Posts: 11
Thanks everyone for the welcomes and encouragement..........I have not said anything to her yet about her drinking.........I cleared out the empties, and found her fresh stock.......I guess that was foolish, but I wanted to let her know I knew.....which at this point seems even more foolish........I guess I should just let go........it was easier when she was gone, honestly.......I didnt have to answer to her or have to explain my actions........Im serously thinking now, that the answer is to let her abuse hearing go forward, and let her make her decisions from there......she needs to be in it for her, which I do know.......I am trying to be supportive, and she is using that........allot of this seems like a contradiction to me, and Im sure you guys understand that feeling.........
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
I look back now.........with the experience I have gained, the wisdom I have learned, sometimes the worse thing you think can happen to them, is not the worse. I wish my x had pulled time in prison for her DWI's. At the time, I could not imagine anything so awful for her. She was beautiful, bright and completely unprepared for what jail would be like. A skillful lawyer, helped her avoid this fate. But Jail was not the worse outcome. She slowly drank until she did severe damage to her body. If she stops drinking now, maybe, just maybe, she can recover...............but it may be too late.
My point is, her pulling time may the best thing for her. But it is not for us to know, Let go and let God. Protect your children.
My point is, her pulling time may the best thing for her. But it is not for us to know, Let go and let God. Protect your children.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by prodigal
Yessiree, Bob, I bet she wants you to drop any and all charges or court proceedings. She needs you. Not only as a punching bag, but as someone to care for the kids while she zones out into laa-laa land courtesy of booze. At this point neither of you have one doggone thing to be proud of. She is lyling to you. You are buying into her crap. She is drinking and hiding it. This is denial. This has nothing whatsoever to do with recovery. This has to do with her b.s.'ing you into believing she is going to clean up her act in order to keep you in the picture.
hi scotty, welcome
prodigal's point above is exactly what i was thinking as i read your initial post, and none of it is meant to be harsh at all. we've all been in your boat, and this seems like manipulation at its finest, although i know how hard it is to see. it's so painful to take a step back and admit that she's using you and soaking up everything you have to offer, without actually loving you the way a couple should love.
it sounds like she'll do whatever it takes to keep you in the picture. the lying will not end, and before you know it, she'll be lying about things you didn't even dream would be possible. been there, we all have, unfortunately.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Welcome!!!!
I was attacked by my AS-he also was arrested and went to jail. I remember the ambulance EMT holding my face and telling me-'''-go thru with this--promise me--if you want to save him you sometimes have to hurt them"" She then told me how her brother was an A and had recently died...So I followed through--with some changes--I did not let him back into my home-he stayed with a friend--and instead of him doing jail time when we did get to court--a lawyer and I talked the judge into mandatory inpatient-followed by outpatient-follwed by mandatory testing weekly for a year---if he fails to hold up his end of the bargain-it is a 2 year jail term.
Well he got sober enough to get the help he needed and has been sober for over 7 months now--after 13 years of a nightmare!!!!I wish you the best...and am glad it was your face and not one of the kids!!!(you know what I mean)
I was attacked by my AS-he also was arrested and went to jail. I remember the ambulance EMT holding my face and telling me-'''-go thru with this--promise me--if you want to save him you sometimes have to hurt them"" She then told me how her brother was an A and had recently died...So I followed through--with some changes--I did not let him back into my home-he stayed with a friend--and instead of him doing jail time when we did get to court--a lawyer and I talked the judge into mandatory inpatient-followed by outpatient-follwed by mandatory testing weekly for a year---if he fails to hold up his end of the bargain-it is a 2 year jail term.
Well he got sober enough to get the help he needed and has been sober for over 7 months now--after 13 years of a nightmare!!!!I wish you the best...and am glad it was your face and not one of the kids!!!(you know what I mean)
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello Scotty,
Welcome to the board, I’m sorry that all this is now at your feet.
You see I was once where you are now. I thought that the love and the years together would matter, but they do not, not to them or the drinking.
What does matter is that you are taking steps forward. I feel the charges should stand, let her face what she has done, it’s the only way.
Part of being codependent and enabling is to cover up and do for them what they can do themselves.
You might take a look at Alanon and some meetings. They will help you gain strength and wisdom for what is ahead.
It took me awhile to understand that the woman I fell in love with was gone, in her place was a drunk. Alcohol unleashed a whole different person, who did not care or love.
Hitting, pulling knives and even putting her head through a wall. Each episode got worse.
I’m sorry that you are going through this and sorry that you were hurt physically.
You and the kids need to be safe.
Welcome to the board, I’m sorry that all this is now at your feet.
You see I was once where you are now. I thought that the love and the years together would matter, but they do not, not to them or the drinking.
What does matter is that you are taking steps forward. I feel the charges should stand, let her face what she has done, it’s the only way.
Part of being codependent and enabling is to cover up and do for them what they can do themselves.
You might take a look at Alanon and some meetings. They will help you gain strength and wisdom for what is ahead.
It took me awhile to understand that the woman I fell in love with was gone, in her place was a drunk. Alcohol unleashed a whole different person, who did not care or love.
Hitting, pulling knives and even putting her head through a wall. Each episode got worse.
I’m sorry that you are going through this and sorry that you were hurt physically.
You and the kids need to be safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Clarksville, TN
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by InThisForMe
hi scotty, welcome
prodigal's point above is exactly what i was thinking as i read your initial post, and none of it is meant to be harsh at all. we've all been in your boat, and this seems like manipulation at its finest, although i know how hard it is to see. it's so painful to take a step back and admit that she's using you and soaking up everything you have to offer, without actually loving you the way a couple should love.
it sounds like she'll do whatever it takes to keep you in the picture. the lying will not end, and before you know it, she'll be lying about things you didn't even dream would be possible. been there, we all have, unfortunately.
prodigal's point above is exactly what i was thinking as i read your initial post, and none of it is meant to be harsh at all. we've all been in your boat, and this seems like manipulation at its finest, although i know how hard it is to see. it's so painful to take a step back and admit that she's using you and soaking up everything you have to offer, without actually loving you the way a couple should love.
it sounds like she'll do whatever it takes to keep you in the picture. the lying will not end, and before you know it, she'll be lying about things you didn't even dream would be possible. been there, we all have, unfortunately.
You guys are going to have to work harder if you think that this was harsh!!!
The one thing that did strike a cord though was the bit about pride. Believe you me, I am not proud of the situation that my family is in. Maybe that is where my codie comes in. Im downright ashamed, and thats what has been keeping me in this rut. It takes all of my energy away from me, it is sucking me dry. I am very successful in my Career. I was before I met her, and I am still progressing, but she is taking my energy from me and I suffer, and my work suffers because of it...........Im just ranting now........But I wanted to say that Im not Proud of this at all.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by ScottyC514
Im downright ashamed, and thats what has been keeping me in this rut. It takes all of my energy away from me, it is sucking me dry. I am very successful in my Career. I was before I met her, and I am still progressing, but she is taking my energy from me and I suffer, and my work suffers because of it...........Im just ranting now........But I wanted to say that Im not Proud of this at all.
Don't beat yourself up too much Scotty (and welcome)
I'm doing a lot of that and I'm going through somewhat of an angry phase. I consider myself successful as well - and I kick myself on a daily basis for all of the money I spent on my XABF, the energy and time I wasted (working a 13 hour day and then going to an AA meeting to support him as a 'friend') to be left out in the cold when I was the one needing support.
We all are working on our recovery - glad you are working on yours. Keep reading...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Clarksville, TN
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by guyinNC
I look back now.........with the experience I have gained, the wisdom I have learned, sometimes the worse thing you think can happen to them, is not the worse. I wish my x had pulled time in prison for her DWI's. At the time, I could not imagine anything so awful for her. She was beautiful, bright and completely unprepared for what jail would be like. A skillful lawyer, helped her avoid this fate. But Jail was not the worse outcome. She slowly drank until she did severe damage to her body. If she stops drinking now, maybe, just maybe, she can recover...............but it may be too late.
My point is, her pulling time may the best thing for her. But it is not for us to know, Let go and let God. Protect your children.
My point is, her pulling time may the best thing for her. But it is not for us to know, Let go and let God. Protect your children.
Lets not even get started on her health Issues.......she might be able to recover from those if she stops............But I know that she has done some definite permanent damage to her system!!!! I got her in to see a doc, but she hasn't seen one regular in like 6 yrs!!!!!
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