venusinlibra

My ABF moved into a sober house today. The last week has been very strange and small incidents made him raging mad. Things got very heated yesterday and he said some very vile comments to me...so I left. Today, he moved into a sober house and wants us to "work on the relationship" taking it day by day.

One side of me wants to do it, the other side wants to walk away. I am mad that I am left with all the bills, responsibilities, etc. I was told via the phone and not in person. His continued selfishness and lack of sensitivity just blows my mind.

Is this common? I am working my program but some of this just seem nuts. He keeps repeating mantra's to me he has read in his book...but seems more scripted than actually heartfelt.

Any words of inspiration, etc. is helpful.

caughtinthemid

I have only the advice in my siggy line.I am sure others will come along with better advice.

Elana

What is in YOUR heart? What do YOU want? Look into yourself. LISTEN to YOUR GUT. If you do not feel he is taking sobriety seriously and if you feel he is abusing you emotionally.. if you do not feel "right" and have had enough, what do YOU want to do.

You have choices entirely independent of his existance and his feelings. Listen to your own words and your own self and decide that way. Then... ask your HP to walk with you on whatever your decision is.

teke

i think any mantras should be for him and not directed at you, don't know if thats the case but i thought i'd throw that in. i think that choice is yours and maybe you don't have to choose now, take some time and think about what you want to do, maybe compare what you want out of this relationship and what you are getting and base your decision on your findings, keeping you both in my prayers, i'm glad that he is seeking recovery and i pray that it sticks this time

abtchonamission

Venus,

You don't have to make any decisions this minute. You can take the time you need to figure out what you want, and to make your choices based on what you feel is right for you. There is no reason to jump into a 'choice' before you're ready to make one.

If it was my decision to make, I would take some time to watch his actions rather than listen to what he's saying, especially when not completely sure what I wanted. I think one of the greatest gifts I've received in my recovery is learning that my decisions do NOT have to be immediate all the time - it's okay for me to take the time I need to be sure of what I want, instead of regretting my choices later.

venusinlibra

Yes, I agree. I think things came to a head because I am working the program, I don't engage him in verbal warfare, but walk away when it gets to heated. He is verbally abusive and he calls me last night to tell me I am NOT working my program, goes into tirades, and threats again because I asked him how I am suppose to pay the bills. I am grateful for his sobriety, I am disappointed in his lack of responsibility, and he did make the right decision going in. I will start going to more meetings...to try to get the peace I am looking for. One day at a time as they say. Thanks.

Blackrose2756

I don't know how long he's been sober, but it's normal in early sobriety. Also, normal for someone who is only "playing" at being clean or "white knuckle sobriety". My 1st husband quoted things he learned in rehab until I almost strangled him. My ex did the same thing. But when I got into the program both of them said I didn't need it, I could do it on my own. Why....because they were afraid of what I'd learn.

I would take the time to look at his actions. NOT his "mantras". And I would continue to work my own program. "One day at a time".

Lynne

venusinlibra

Yes, it is funny you say that. I started working the program a month ago and thru the program I was finally gained my sanity. I no longer engaged him in verbal warfare, actually started reading the literature, and I damn grateful for it. I wish I would have done this years ago. Now, today he is "feeling bad" and calls me to be all nice. It is a push me/pull me routine. He wants to make sure I am "still there." I am not sure if we will make it, but I have learned so much in just a short period of time. No turning back now.

Blackrose2756

Yep, got that right. He wants somewhere soft to land if he mucks up. I played that game for 6 years. As they say...."Let him put his money where his mouth is". Wait for the call that he can't take it there & he needs to get out of there....please come get him.....

I firmly believe there is an addict's manual. And you are witnessing just one of the many chapters in "life with an addict".

Lynne

venusinlibra

Oh Lynn, you made me laugh at that one. My "normie" girlfriends always ask me what I would advise them to do. I always tell them, change your number, change your locks, and get rid of the guy. Unfortunately, it is easier to give advice than take it. Yes, I guess I am his security blanket and he wants to make sure it is still there. Time will tell.

hope213

ask yourself the question" do u really want to do this for yrs?" it could very well b that u do if you stay.seldom do any of them stay clean the first time out of rehab. it is sad but true. what do u want out of life?have u been paying the bills most every month anyway? it is all up to you & what u want.prayers for u both,