How does a person live with an A?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Welcome Ollie,
You have come to the right place. There is so much information and a wealth of knowledge within this forum - keep reading the many posts .. especially those at the top of the page.
Yours is not an easy question with an easy answer...Everyone's situation is in many ways so similar ..yet there are many variables that will make a difference as to how we each handle our unique situations. One thing is for certain, life with an alcoholic is never easy and many times tragic as the addiction can destroy the lives of everyone that stands too close .. we learn to survive and recover our lives without becoming another casualty of alcoholism.
You have come to the right place. There is so much information and a wealth of knowledge within this forum - keep reading the many posts .. especially those at the top of the page.
Yours is not an easy question with an easy answer...Everyone's situation is in many ways so similar ..yet there are many variables that will make a difference as to how we each handle our unique situations. One thing is for certain, life with an alcoholic is never easy and many times tragic as the addiction can destroy the lives of everyone that stands too close .. we learn to survive and recover our lives without becoming another casualty of alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Fascinating question and simply put. Yet it opens a large can of worms. How, indeed, does one live with an A? You will find that many on this board don't - live with an A, that is. Human beings are relating creatures. Once we make many, many attempts to relate to an A, and come up empty-handed, we throw up our hands in disgust and leave.
Detachment works. Living your own life and minding your own business works. Personally, I didn't get married to live alone. And to be perfectly honest, I was much happier living alone in my own space instead of having an A invade mine while sharing the same house.
I feel I got to the point that I took nothing my AH said seriously. Nothing. I don't even think he took himself seriously. Frankly, I got sick and tired of even being bothered trying to make any sense out of someone who changed with the weather. I also got tired of seeing someone staggering around who slurred his words, pee'd his pants, blabbed on and on about nonsense and was incapable of having a rational conversation.
In other words, I was essentially living alone, except I had this pathetic, annoying person poisoning my living space. Reasons for staying? Financial. Nothing more after a time, except hanging onto the threads of memories of what he once was. He was one helluva guy. Now he's just wasted. Can't live with that, personally. As I often say, long time comin', long time gone ....
Detachment works. Living your own life and minding your own business works. Personally, I didn't get married to live alone. And to be perfectly honest, I was much happier living alone in my own space instead of having an A invade mine while sharing the same house.
I feel I got to the point that I took nothing my AH said seriously. Nothing. I don't even think he took himself seriously. Frankly, I got sick and tired of even being bothered trying to make any sense out of someone who changed with the weather. I also got tired of seeing someone staggering around who slurred his words, pee'd his pants, blabbed on and on about nonsense and was incapable of having a rational conversation.
In other words, I was essentially living alone, except I had this pathetic, annoying person poisoning my living space. Reasons for staying? Financial. Nothing more after a time, except hanging onto the threads of memories of what he once was. He was one helluva guy. Now he's just wasted. Can't live with that, personally. As I often say, long time comin', long time gone ....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
A recoverying alcoholic working a program is peaceful and actually wonderful.
I'm just tired actually....I need to heal.
A drunk alcoholic .. a roller coaster ride is an understatement...
But it's like that a lot of the time.
Like you been draged through a war.
Thats what people tell me how looked like for 3 years. Like i survived a war.
I felt like i aged 10 years. From lack of sleep, didn't eat right
and always wondering what the hell was going to happen next.
Basically I felt like a loon
I'm just tired actually....I need to heal.
A drunk alcoholic .. a roller coaster ride is an understatement...
But it's like that a lot of the time.
Like you been draged through a war.
Thats what people tell me how looked like for 3 years. Like i survived a war.
I felt like i aged 10 years. From lack of sleep, didn't eat right
and always wondering what the hell was going to happen next.
Basically I felt like a loon
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
From my personal experience, it is not really possibly to "live" with an active alcoholic. Sure, you can exist. You can detach. But it sure isn't a "life". I agree with prodigal, even with detaching, you're still alone. Better to actually live alone than share space with some drunk and have to put serious effort into avoiding confrontation, dodging instigating "conversations", etc.
How you live with an alcoholic? You don't.
But that's just me.
How you live with an alcoholic? You don't.
But that's just me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Hi, Ollie, and welcome.
You learn to detach ... realize that you didn't cause it, cant' control it and can't cure it. Only the A can to that for him/herself.
There is a wealth of info here that you will find very helpful. Have you been to al-anon?
Please keep reading and posting. you are not alone here.
You learn to detach ... realize that you didn't cause it, cant' control it and can't cure it. Only the A can to that for him/herself.
There is a wealth of info here that you will find very helpful. Have you been to al-anon?
Please keep reading and posting. you are not alone here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Welcome to SR Ollie
I'm one of the ones who couldn't live with my AH. I left. I agree with what the others have said so far; it wasn't the life for me. But... I am still dealing with the whole thing somewhat....even though I'm pretty detached (in that I understand that I can't control his drinking, can't cure his drinking, and definitely did not cause his drinking), I still care...my AH is still so very sick (read: active raging alcoholic) and it's heartbreaking to watch someone self-destruct and not be able to do a darn thing about it.
I think your question is beautifully succint!
From the reading I've done at SR I'm beginning to think that whether or not people stay with their A's has a lot to do with what kind of drunk they are dealing with.
There are some A's who never act "bad" when drinking. While many A's become abusive, beligerant, obnoxious, embarassing, etc, etc.
I'm one of the ones who couldn't live with my AH. I left. I agree with what the others have said so far; it wasn't the life for me. But... I am still dealing with the whole thing somewhat....even though I'm pretty detached (in that I understand that I can't control his drinking, can't cure his drinking, and definitely did not cause his drinking), I still care...my AH is still so very sick (read: active raging alcoholic) and it's heartbreaking to watch someone self-destruct and not be able to do a darn thing about it.
I think your question is beautifully succint!
From the reading I've done at SR I'm beginning to think that whether or not people stay with their A's has a lot to do with what kind of drunk they are dealing with.
There are some A's who never act "bad" when drinking. While many A's become abusive, beligerant, obnoxious, embarassing, etc, etc.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Hi Ollie, you asked HOW?
Great question. I still live with my AH. And for 12 years it has been a nightmare until Feb. I realized I had options and for me one of them has been detaching.
Like Prodigal said, It "works!"
But it is hard! Read everything you can. Ask all the questions you can think of! People here are so wise and they really do understand!!
Welcome!
Great question. I still live with my AH. And for 12 years it has been a nightmare until Feb. I realized I had options and for me one of them has been detaching.
Like Prodigal said, It "works!"
But it is hard! Read everything you can. Ask all the questions you can think of! People here are so wise and they really do understand!!
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Hi and welcome,Ollie!!!
great question.The only way i am able to live with an A,is by focusing on my own recovery,and following the 12 steps of program.
All my issues in life,have always held spiritual solutions.
And im an A also.Being both of us alcoholics,its only through God,s grace,that, we are sober today,and lovingly together.Had i not turned for spiritual solutions,i know that i would have high tailed it out of our marriage.,and wouldnt be able to live with an alcoholic.No way.But i gave this all in God,s hands,and still do today.And this is how its working for us...
Thanks for letting me share,my experiences,here,
God Bless,
great question.The only way i am able to live with an A,is by focusing on my own recovery,and following the 12 steps of program.
All my issues in life,have always held spiritual solutions.
And im an A also.Being both of us alcoholics,its only through God,s grace,that, we are sober today,and lovingly together.Had i not turned for spiritual solutions,i know that i would have high tailed it out of our marriage.,and wouldnt be able to live with an alcoholic.No way.But i gave this all in God,s hands,and still do today.And this is how its working for us...
Thanks for letting me share,my experiences,here,
God Bless,
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