HKAngel24

I've been thinking alot about and trying to formulate my new "plan" in terms of what I will do when I feel I am getting sucked back into the obsessing, controlling behavior, anxiety of not knowing etc. The reacting that makes me crazy.

Just for now... my plan is this:

When I find myself reacting, obsessing, falling back into bad behaviors I can:
Choose not to engage and physically remove myself from the situation to journal about what I am feeling and try to make sense of it.



I suppose it's difficult when I am pretty much putting all my eggs in one basket in terms of IF he uses, I leave.
Monitoring my expectations is hard. Detaching my emotions from his actions is also difficult.
But I know all of you wise women/men are right... the more I focus on me- the less I focus on him- the more detached from his behavior I will become.

Hoping others can offer what their personal plans are or have been in terms of changing reactions or what to do when you choose not to give into the addicts attempts to engage you.

justme5

my plan includes distracting myself as much as i can...either by talking to someone else, going to a meeting, working on something artistic, coming here to read...a lot of my options vary depending on what time it is, of course...i've gotten to the point where i don't fret and pace any longer...with every incident, i've attempted to call him less and less. last night i didn't call him at all. i'm actually absurdly proud of myself for that, lol...i knew it would do no good and would only serve to agitate myself.

it has unfortunately taken time to get to the point where i can put my plan in action. maybe that's just me, maybe my plan wasn't realistic enough at first, but now i've gotten to the point where i can eat and sleep, even knowing that he is out and using.

not sure if that helps you any, but it's where i am in my journey....

*hugs and positive thoughts*

finallyout

my plan has been to just sit back and wait out those feelings. I try sleeping on them for a night or two before reacting in any way. So far, so good. Usually after a day or two I realize that I need to change my thinking and stop obsessing etc. Its hard not to react on your feelings right away but waiting them out and then thinking things through or talking with a friend usually helps me. Hope that helps. P.S. I'm originally from the Philly area too. I miss it something crazy!!!!

teke

i do a lot of self talk. usually i try to breathe first and think before i allow myself to react. its hard to not react is an unhealthy way but i find that if i can calm myself first, i can usually take control of my emotions and not allow my emotions to take control over me, i try to keep cautious of my thoughts and i find it better for me to do whatever i have to do to calm myself before i try to deal with unpleasant issues.

StarGazer6

Hey HK, I've been hanging in there the last couple of days, as I posted the other day, I lost my kitty cat last Friday and I was devastated, she was my little baby and my best friend through my break up with my ExABF. I've had my share of losses this year and it isn't even half way over yet. I wanted to call him last night but I went out with some friends to a restaurant, even though I didn't want to but felt better once I was there, and I didn't call him. At least for that day. It's too hard to think that I may never see him again in a normal and at least semi-sober state. He's so far gone but I miss him everyday and wish we were back together.

I exercise a lot, to keep my mind healthy. That helps more than anything. Sometimes I have to force myself to go but about 5 minutes into it, I'm good.

I've also been writing down all of the bad stuff over the last few months so that I remember exactly how bad it has really been, it's too easy for me to forget and hold on to only the good. I read it often, like the other night when I was thinking ..well, maybe it's not that bad...but then I read the details I've written and it brings me back to the way I felt when I saw him. I felt bad enough the last time that I remember never wanting to contact him again but here I am, wanting to see how he's doing again only 2 weeks later after I saw him last.

I think i'm in denial that he's not smoking crack all the time, as if smoking it at all is acceptable. I feel disappointed in myself for looking back again and missing the times before the crack. I believe he'll stay on the road he's on too long, longer than I have time to wait.

GiveLove

Hi HK,

I think I've worn out your ears with my whole thing already --- but I'm a big believer in small little steps.

I will never tell myself, "Next time, when I start obsessing, I'm just going to turn right around, knock it off, and forget it ever happened, yessirree."

My plan is always to nip off one little piece at a time:
"Next time, I will allow myself one hour to obsess all I want, and then it's back to me. If I need to I'm going to put a rubber band around wrist and snap it if my mind dares 'go there' any more".
"Next time, I will let myself call ONCE, but not again. One call is enough for a civilized human being to call me back, and if he doesn't, then I'm going to focus inward and ask myself whether I really want to act this pitiful any more for someone who can't show common courtesy." And so on.

Just like I'm in school, with each passing week I'll ask myself to improve just a little. Shorten the obsessing free-time to a half-hour. Force myself to WAIT and BREATHE for 15 mins before phoning at all, etc.

This is my only plan: To constantly know that, although I may backslide from time to time, on the whole I'm always moving forward into a better and more honorable future for myself.

Does that make any sense at all? Not sure if I'm "out there" or what.

Hugs,
GiveLove

parentrecovers

we're supposed to have a plan? darn it. i knew i was SOMETHING wrong.

seriously, i need a plan. thanks for all the insight. blessings, k

GiveLove

p.s.
I took up racquetball too.
Well, I didn't really PLAY. When I just couldn't stop obsessing, I went and rented a court for an hour, for a couple of bucks at the local rec center. Went down there with a racquet I'd bought at Goodwill and one poor little blue ball and

BLAM that's for all the lousy parenting I had (chase the ball)
BLAM that's for all the fear I've had to go through (chase chase)
BLAM that's for the disrespect (chase)
BLAM that's for the way I'm being treated right now
BLAM BLAM chase BLAM BLAM chase chase BLAM chase BLAM

There's a reason it burns 500 calories in an hour
Violent? Maybe. But when all else fails, there's nothing like a physical release to blunt the edges of obsession.

Love to all,
GiveLove

lanie67

I love this post and all the 'blam-blams'. Thanks for making me smile, I can definitely see how racket-ball can help. I used to go to a batting cages sometimes and hit balls and that helps too.

Brownie

Thanks HKAngel24 for starting this thread - so proud of all who have "plans" - I'm good at having Plan B just in case - and I try to formulate in my mind how I will to react to a situation if it arises - Thanks everyone for all the brilliant ideas!

tropikgal2

I just breathe when I start obsessing and thinking of the past and making up little scenarios in my head about what COULD happen IF.....
I say to myself "BE HERE NOW" and then I ask myself "where are you?" What are you doing?" Just do that thing....Just gardening, just driving, just working, just drawing, just walking, just yoga, just just just........focus on here and now, this minute. Breathe into it.
Plan B is I sleep in my office, taking showers at the gym until the court decides for our legal separation who gets to stay in the house until he gets his act REALLY together....if ever. I hope and pray that it doesn't come down to that. I really dont' want to backpack through Central America this winter by myself....but I would.....

duet_4-8

This type of thing was huge for me; it's insane how easy it is to forget the bad things that happened when the quacking starts. It's been about a year since I decided that things were not going to get any better and I needed to divorce him (after 25 years that was a hard decision). I don't have to read it much these days, but it sure kept me focused leading up to filing for divorce.

I am well into a divorce from my exah, and my main plan now is to have absolutely no contact with him. I don't answer the phone; I don't answer the door; if he comes here and won't leave I call 911. He is currently facing forty-odd counts of contempt, so I imagine he will be cooling his heels in the old county jail after we go to court on May 9. I didn't want to go this far, but he literally left me no other option. Of course, if he goes to jail it will be because I 'put him' there when he only wanted to 'talk' to me. *sigh*

quack, quack, quack......

hope213

i try to turn it all over to my H.P. i remove my self from the bad situation. sounds as if you re doing ok.

rahsue

I never realized I had a plan until reading this thread, apparently I've put one in motion without realizing it. Not only do I detach from my ras but I'm detaching from everyone that gets on my nerves, lol. damn I love my plan