dual diagnosis/any1 experience this ?
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
dual diagnosis/any1 experience this ?
Ah is in a new hospital for dual diagnosis . He is being treated for PTSD and Personality Disorder (I think thats it) , as well as his addiction . For some reason
he thinks that since he has this new diagnosis and its 'technically' different than all the other times he was in rehab , he can come home when he is discharged .
His counselor wanted to see me so I went today and had a meeting with him and ah. First time I have seen ah in three weeks . When I was told he was being discharged on Monday and he was being set up for IOP close to our home I asked him where he was going to live . He acted shocked . He got so mad as if it was the first time he heard that he couldnt come home , then he started crying , sobbing in fact .
Honestly my heart was breaking to see him like this . He did the whole usual promises thing , 'this time is different' 'i learned so much here' 'i have to come home and work the program, i cant do it without you and the kids' it was really hard to look at him when he was begging , so much easier when you are fighting!
So I was weak , very weak , but I stuck to my guns . I told him no way , we needed more time apart to recovery before we could consider reconciling . He got mad again and started cursing , his counselor told him he was acting much like a child that couldnt get his way .
Am I being to hard on him considering his new diagnosis ? My first instinct is that Im not but then I start to second guess myself like I do every step of the way on this journey .
He did call a few hours after I left and told me that he didnt agree but he understood and he was determined to prove himself to me and the kids that he is going to work the program and the steps and he was looking forward to it .
Im just hope he continues to feel that way .
Should I be happy and Im just so screwed up that I dont even know it ? I dont feel happy at all , just very uneasy and unsure
he thinks that since he has this new diagnosis and its 'technically' different than all the other times he was in rehab , he can come home when he is discharged .
His counselor wanted to see me so I went today and had a meeting with him and ah. First time I have seen ah in three weeks . When I was told he was being discharged on Monday and he was being set up for IOP close to our home I asked him where he was going to live . He acted shocked . He got so mad as if it was the first time he heard that he couldnt come home , then he started crying , sobbing in fact .
Honestly my heart was breaking to see him like this . He did the whole usual promises thing , 'this time is different' 'i learned so much here' 'i have to come home and work the program, i cant do it without you and the kids' it was really hard to look at him when he was begging , so much easier when you are fighting!
So I was weak , very weak , but I stuck to my guns . I told him no way , we needed more time apart to recovery before we could consider reconciling . He got mad again and started cursing , his counselor told him he was acting much like a child that couldnt get his way .
Am I being to hard on him considering his new diagnosis ? My first instinct is that Im not but then I start to second guess myself like I do every step of the way on this journey .
He did call a few hours after I left and told me that he didnt agree but he understood and he was determined to prove himself to me and the kids that he is going to work the program and the steps and he was looking forward to it .
Im just hope he continues to feel that way .
Should I be happy and Im just so screwed up that I dont even know it ? I dont feel happy at all , just very uneasy and unsure
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Well some time apart doesn't mean you will never get back together again---tell him that--it will give him some incentive towards staying sober---if he stays sober and is treated for his other problems--maybe he will make it this time....
More than 90% of alcoholics''self medicate" secondary to the disorders you mentioned here. When my own AS was sober for 3 months he was diagnosed as bi-polar--when they stay sober they can get the treatment they need or maybe have needed for a long time.
My son is sober and on medication for his Dual Diagnosis--for the first time in 13 years....He is like a new man.
Some(not all) in AA told me this was a ''cop out''--all I know is up until that time he had tried everything else and nothing worked.The medication works--I don't know how much you know about being bi polar but can you imagine walking around life like that with out medication??
More than 90% of alcoholics''self medicate" secondary to the disorders you mentioned here. When my own AS was sober for 3 months he was diagnosed as bi-polar--when they stay sober they can get the treatment they need or maybe have needed for a long time.
My son is sober and on medication for his Dual Diagnosis--for the first time in 13 years....He is like a new man.
Some(not all) in AA told me this was a ''cop out''--all I know is up until that time he had tried everything else and nothing worked.The medication works--I don't know how much you know about being bi polar but can you imagine walking around life like that with out medication??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
NO - you are not being hard on him!!!
You did great!! Stick to your guns.
My stbxAH was full of all these lines - every single one you listed! And mad...mad, ... mad, mad!!
"I'm nothing without you and the kids" - "you're all I have" he would say.
stbxAH would just get someone else to get him out and he broke every chance he had with me.
He still asks for just one more chance, "I can make it work this time".... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!
I asked him the last time he went to detox, "What are your plans, what are you going to do?" He would answer, "Just not drink".
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Keep in mind - they say what they think you want to hear - anything so that you'll let them come home and as soon as possible. My stbxAH was so great at fooling everyone at the treatment centers - that he was doing so good. But he had no transition to home.
I wanted him to go to a halfway house or something similar so he could get back to work and find out how to work and not drink. But without that - old habits are hard to break.
Oh well - he's not my problem anymore.
Set your rules and stick to 'em.
You did great!! Stick to your guns.
My stbxAH was full of all these lines - every single one you listed! And mad...mad, ... mad, mad!!
"I'm nothing without you and the kids" - "you're all I have" he would say.
stbxAH would just get someone else to get him out and he broke every chance he had with me.
He still asks for just one more chance, "I can make it work this time".... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!
I asked him the last time he went to detox, "What are your plans, what are you going to do?" He would answer, "Just not drink".
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Keep in mind - they say what they think you want to hear - anything so that you'll let them come home and as soon as possible. My stbxAH was so great at fooling everyone at the treatment centers - that he was doing so good. But he had no transition to home.
I wanted him to go to a halfway house or something similar so he could get back to work and find out how to work and not drink. But without that - old habits are hard to break.
Oh well - he's not my problem anymore.
Set your rules and stick to 'em.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
i can't even imagine how hard it must have been to stick to your guns....i don't think i could have done it. good for you. i know it doesn't feel very good though....that is the tough part. i guess it just doesn't always feel good to do the right thing. i think the part where he got mad when he didn't get his way is very telling, though....prayers to you...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
lg....my xh had dual-diagnosis...many of them. it was, at best, a stinking can of worms. at worst it was total hell. this was just my experience, and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
not all are the same, tho. my prayers are going up for you....and him.
not all are the same, tho. my prayers are going up for you....and him.
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
thks everyone ..
criss its so funny because i said that exact thing to him today , if nothing changes, than nothing changes . this is his 4th rehab in 11 months and each time (except for one brief stay in a half way house) he comes straight home . I had enough and I cant subject my kids to it again .
kg-it was hard , very hard . but i know that if i gave in , i would of been miserable , i really do not want him here , i just kept telling myself that .
sun-i did tell him that i want us to stay apart so we can ultimately stay together . i know that im not ready to leave him yet so i cant threaten him with that . i do want to keep our family together but not like this . i dont know much about personality disorder . is it the same as bi-polar ? Im glad theres medication for it and that your son has been properly diagnosed . can u suggest any books ?
criss its so funny because i said that exact thing to him today , if nothing changes, than nothing changes . this is his 4th rehab in 11 months and each time (except for one brief stay in a half way house) he comes straight home . I had enough and I cant subject my kids to it again .
kg-it was hard , very hard . but i know that if i gave in , i would of been miserable , i really do not want him here , i just kept telling myself that .
sun-i did tell him that i want us to stay apart so we can ultimately stay together . i know that im not ready to leave him yet so i cant threaten him with that . i do want to keep our family together but not like this . i dont know much about personality disorder . is it the same as bi-polar ? Im glad theres medication for it and that your son has been properly diagnosed . can u suggest any books ?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
LG, do you know what specific kind of personality disorder they said he had? according to my DSM-IV there are several: paranoid type, schizoid type, antisocial personality disorder, borderline personailty disorder, histrionic personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, dependent personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and personality disorder not otherwise specified. it's not the same as bipolar though. just my 2 cents!
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
thks inthis .. i did think there was another word . i thought it was a three word phrase with personality disorder but none of those names ring a bell . his counselor told me that in my ahs case it stemmed from not getting affection or love as a child, from being abandoned by one parent, and from having to grow up to fast (he was working at 11 and contributing to the household bills), he started drinking at around the same age . emotionally he stopped growing at about that age so they say , explains his childlike behavior . I'll have to find out more about the proper name , when I do I'll let you know!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
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For me...my first instink told me so many times.
but i go into the guilt trip thing.
Hind site is always 20/20....
No pun intended... don't you feel like you have ptsd as well
having lived through the living hell.
but i go into the guilt trip thing.
Hind site is always 20/20....
No pun intended... don't you feel like you have ptsd as well
having lived through the living hell.
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
thats funny satit because i do . my MIL keeps telling me how Im doing the best thing for her son , and she hopes that this makes him get the picture and stay sober .
I dont have the heart to tell her that Im not doing this because of what he will get out of it , Im doing this for what I will get out of it ! I need to be away from him to process everything and go to alanon and move along in my own recovery . If he does the same with the time than thats great , if not , then thats great too !
He has a habit of taking a bad situation and making it worse ! We shall see
I dont have the heart to tell her that Im not doing this because of what he will get out of it , Im doing this for what I will get out of it ! I need to be away from him to process everything and go to alanon and move along in my own recovery . If he does the same with the time than thats great , if not , then thats great too !
He has a habit of taking a bad situation and making it worse ! We shall see
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
I'm, not saying it doesn't happen, but........
Borderline Personalty Disorder and Bi-Polar share an awful lot of the same symptoms as being an alcoholic. I've read, here as a matter of fact, cases where people were diagnosed and medicated, when all they really needed to do was abstain.
Personally, I was bedeviled by anxiety and depression. Which, strangely enough, all but disappeared when I got into a good recovery program (AA).
The recovering codies here give good advice. Wait and see. Recovery is a program of action......and change.
Borderline Personalty Disorder and Bi-Polar share an awful lot of the same symptoms as being an alcoholic. I've read, here as a matter of fact, cases where people were diagnosed and medicated, when all they really needed to do was abstain.
Personally, I was bedeviled by anxiety and depression. Which, strangely enough, all but disappeared when I got into a good recovery program (AA).
The recovering codies here give good advice. Wait and see. Recovery is a program of action......and change.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
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It's your call. This may sound weird but I think many of us have PTSD. Living through the many many tramas and adventures an alcoholic puts us through is also a Post tramatic stress. We are mentally tramatized too. I guess I'd explain it just that way. Would he invite the source of his stress back into his life?
It's too hard to seperate the person fromt he behavior. It's the behavior that is tramatizing us.
My point, you have post tramatic stress too, that's just the truth.
People need their safe space. That doesn't mean you can't communicate and that he can't remain active in his kids lives.....from a safe distance.
Time will tell and when you don't feel at risk of being futher tramatized...maybe.
It is very likely that your kids have post tramatic stress disorder too.
It's too hard to seperate the person fromt he behavior. It's the behavior that is tramatizing us.
My point, you have post tramatic stress too, that's just the truth.
People need their safe space. That doesn't mean you can't communicate and that he can't remain active in his kids lives.....from a safe distance.
Time will tell and when you don't feel at risk of being futher tramatized...maybe.
It is very likely that your kids have post tramatic stress disorder too.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
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It sounds like your sticking to your boundries was very effective... he went from being shocked, to pleading and crying .. to finally respecting your boundries and at least for now, he is expressing his desire to change before he comes back home. Regardless of his other issues, he is still an alcoholic and will be unbearable to live with as long as continues down that path.
mallowcup ... I thoroughly agree that many of those close to an alcoholic have been living a nightmare with our eyes open and that we are subject to PTSD .. with good reason. I believe our society puts so much focus on the addict.. when more compassion and support is needed for those whose lives have been torn to shreds because of our close relationship with the addicted.
mallowcup ... I thoroughly agree that many of those close to an alcoholic have been living a nightmare with our eyes open and that we are subject to PTSD .. with good reason. I believe our society puts so much focus on the addict.. when more compassion and support is needed for those whose lives have been torn to shreds because of our close relationship with the addicted.
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I was having a conversation with an aquantance recently and she was telling me her alcoholic husband came home smashed. (this woman is also an alcoholic) Their preteen daughter had a friend overnight. She casually mentioned that her husband came stumbling out of the bedroom completely naked to use the bathroom. The girls were coming down the hallway and saw her husband, he was so drunk he just stood there.
The woman sort of laughed and sort of rolled her eyes in disgust.
She mentioned this so casually that it seemed typical.
I thought, WOW!!!
It may be no big deal to her but that is pretty tramatizing to a preteen girl. That's just one day and one incident.
It really seems pretty arrogant. He may mean it, he thinks he can't do any of this without you and the kids. Well, he can. You have done it alone without a reliable husband for how long?
The woman sort of laughed and sort of rolled her eyes in disgust.
She mentioned this so casually that it seemed typical.
I thought, WOW!!!
It may be no big deal to her but that is pretty tramatizing to a preteen girl. That's just one day and one incident.
It really seems pretty arrogant. He may mean it, he thinks he can't do any of this without you and the kids. Well, he can. You have done it alone without a reliable husband for how long?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
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LGL,
I'm praying for you. If you recall, I also have a young child and I know this just intensifies every feeling b/c you have to consider the kids' well being too. My daughter and I are moving out into a townhome in less than 2 weeks now. I think the distance is a good thing -- to clear our heads -- find ourselves again -- work on recovery on both ends -- and then determine whether it's a good idea to continue on a path together.
I think you are so very brave for sticking to your guns. Give yourself credit. You have been through so much with him. You know in your heart what is right. I, too, feel very uneasy and am constantly questionning the steps I am taking. My fears (and marriage "commitment") tell me to stay. I also vaguely remember the man I feel in love with and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But, my heart tells me to go -- or to at least take a step back and reevaluate. I cannot do the latter if I am all wrapped up in his recovery.
I'm going to be praying for your family this morning. Take it easy today. Deep breaths. (That's what I keep saying to myself!!!).
Hugs,
TroubledNC
I'm praying for you. If you recall, I also have a young child and I know this just intensifies every feeling b/c you have to consider the kids' well being too. My daughter and I are moving out into a townhome in less than 2 weeks now. I think the distance is a good thing -- to clear our heads -- find ourselves again -- work on recovery on both ends -- and then determine whether it's a good idea to continue on a path together.
I think you are so very brave for sticking to your guns. Give yourself credit. You have been through so much with him. You know in your heart what is right. I, too, feel very uneasy and am constantly questionning the steps I am taking. My fears (and marriage "commitment") tell me to stay. I also vaguely remember the man I feel in love with and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But, my heart tells me to go -- or to at least take a step back and reevaluate. I cannot do the latter if I am all wrapped up in his recovery.
I'm going to be praying for your family this morning. Take it easy today. Deep breaths. (That's what I keep saying to myself!!!).
Hugs,
TroubledNC
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
I don't know much about different disorders.....but there is a mental health section on here. I was checking it out the other day, and there is alot of info there about dual diagnosis and such. It might be more helpful than this forum.
Everyone can be labeled some disorder or another....if not, psychiatrists would not be in business. Not sure that I believe in too many of these fad diagnosis..I don't believe in medication either, so it wouldn't do me much good to find out I had something that I wouldn't take medicine for anyways
There is a pill for everything....how about just one giant pill for "DEAL WITH IT" ....my AH could use that one.
Everyone can be labeled some disorder or another....if not, psychiatrists would not be in business. Not sure that I believe in too many of these fad diagnosis..I don't believe in medication either, so it wouldn't do me much good to find out I had something that I wouldn't take medicine for anyways
There is a pill for everything....how about just one giant pill for "DEAL WITH IT" ....my AH could use that one.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
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LGLG I am a recovered alcoholic, you are doing the best thing for both of you, do not fall for his crying and crap.
If he is trying to recover using AA he should once he has done his 4th & 5th steps he should fully understand where he needs to go before he comes home. It needs to lie in your hands. Do not use it as punishment or revenge though, let him know it is for your recovery more then his, but it will help the pain he has caused the family sink in a little deeper.
If he is trying to recover using AA he should once he has done his 4th & 5th steps he should fully understand where he needs to go before he comes home. It needs to lie in your hands. Do not use it as punishment or revenge though, let him know it is for your recovery more then his, but it will help the pain he has caused the family sink in a little deeper.
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Hi there, LGLG.
I kinda see it as either a)dual diagnosis is massively under-diagnosed or b)drinking masks and/or mirrors other conditions. And then there's the whole chicken/egg thing which I won't get into here, at the risk of getting into another fight.
Personality Disorders are a whole other ball game to a problem drinker. If you google narcissist + forums, for example, you will find some boards just like this with some really great advice. In fact, it wouldn't hurt anyone to check them out in addition to here given that drinking behaviour is often sociopathic/narcisisstic in nature.
In relation to what Mallow was saying, I was only saying to an SR pal last night about PTSD - I certainly went through a really traumatic time and could probably have been diagnosed with PTSD had I been checked out. I found other ways to deal with it rather than going to the doc, but I am sure any of us could get some useful support there too. It took me far longer that I thought to even start to get better and I still have days where the world seems very scary and I am in a constant state of fear and don't even want to go out of the house. (which may come as a surprise to those of you know that know me).
Please focus on getting help for YOU - he sounds like he's at least got some support for him.
I kinda see it as either a)dual diagnosis is massively under-diagnosed or b)drinking masks and/or mirrors other conditions. And then there's the whole chicken/egg thing which I won't get into here, at the risk of getting into another fight.
Personality Disorders are a whole other ball game to a problem drinker. If you google narcissist + forums, for example, you will find some boards just like this with some really great advice. In fact, it wouldn't hurt anyone to check them out in addition to here given that drinking behaviour is often sociopathic/narcisisstic in nature.
In relation to what Mallow was saying, I was only saying to an SR pal last night about PTSD - I certainly went through a really traumatic time and could probably have been diagnosed with PTSD had I been checked out. I found other ways to deal with it rather than going to the doc, but I am sure any of us could get some useful support there too. It took me far longer that I thought to even start to get better and I still have days where the world seems very scary and I am in a constant state of fear and don't even want to go out of the house. (which may come as a surprise to those of you know that know me).
Please focus on getting help for YOU - he sounds like he's at least got some support for him.
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