Trying to walk tall.

Old 04-26-2007, 12:57 PM
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Trying to walk tall.

I guess to understand what I need help with, I'll have to give a little history lesson on Shawn.

From the age 12 to about 16 I was one bad kid. Drugs, Alcohol, brake and enter, shoplifting was an everyday thing for me, I was a parents worst nightmare. I was living a story that doesn't have a happy ending, until I forced myself to change. It took me dropping out of school and cutting ties with every friend that influenced me to change. It was hard to do, and it took a lot out of me, but it was something I felt needed to be done.

now at 23 my world is starting to come apart around me, trying to walk tall and keep my head up is starting to really take it's toll. My girlfriend of 6 years has been the only one to stick behind me, and in ways she saved me from what could have been.

Now I fear that my girlfriend will turn to alcohol like the rest of her family. I know they feed it to her and she doesn't tell me, She has told me she's went to bars with her friends behind my back when I was at home in bed. She even was dealing with a hangover and cancelled going with me to see my dieing grandfather on christmas day (He died before she had a chance to say goodbye)

I'm scared that the next step in life will bring back my child hood and pain from the past. My father was abandoned when he was born because of alcohol (His father died on the streets of Toronto because of booze) I don't want to see my kid's have to go through this and I don't want to live like this, and she does nothing to reinsure this wont happen. I can count up to 20 people on her family tree that abuse alcohol starting at the age of 16 and it scares that crap out of me to think she's the only one who doesn't.

I have been fighting this for a long time now, and i'm getting tired. I don't have anyone to goto, I don't have friends anymore, because of my past the only one I have is her. I feel scared and lonely and stupid as it sounds.

I know I need help, but there is nothing in my community. going at it alone is hard in this world.

anyways thanks for letting me rant on, and please don't view this as a "oh poor me" just talking to myself in the mirror every day isn't helping anymore. The members on this message board are an inspiration to change!
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Old 04-26-2007, 02:13 PM
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Welcome Shawn, and thank you for the history lesson! More help will be along soon.

Have you tried an Al-Anon meeting? Not only will you find others who are dealing with the same issues, chances are very good you'll make some friends in the process. You'll also learn to focus on yourself, you can't control or change your girlfriend.

I can relate to your story because for many years I thought that the only things I needed in life were my wife and my alcohol. When my alcoholism took over and she'd had enough, my world came apart. So I understand what scared and lonely is. AA helped to heal that, with continual meetings I have friends, a support system, and a place to feel safe.

Best wishes to you.

Scott
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Old 04-26-2007, 02:13 PM
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Hi and welcome to SR. I'm sure there will be more come along

to reply to you. Trust in yourself, only you know what you can and

can not live with. Your fears sound real, have you openly talked

with your girlfriend and told her of your fears?

You have found a great place Shawn, hugs hope3
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Old 04-26-2007, 07:30 PM
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You are not alone--keep posting--things will become clearer...WELCOME
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Old 04-27-2007, 01:55 AM
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You have come to a good place.. keep reading and learning. So many here have been in such difficult situations left feeling nothing but despair ... and have found hope and enlightenment by coming here.
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Old 04-28-2007, 10:17 PM
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so update us already--how is it going for you?
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Old 04-29-2007, 05:38 AM
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Hi Shawn, Welcome to SR!

This place is great! You will learn so much! Ask all the questions you can think of, read all the stickies at the top of the page.

Welcome!
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Old 04-29-2007, 05:46 AM
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Hey there ((((Shawn))))...we understand! I hope you keep posting...welcome to SR.
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Old 04-29-2007, 05:49 AM
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Welcome Shawn!

Nope, I don't see this as a 'poor me' post at all. I see this as a man recognizing that things are not quite right and reaching out for help and support. That's not 'poor me', that's 'good for you'!!!

I agree with the others....try Alanon, read as many posts here as you can, and the stickies at the top too.

Keep coming back, ok? It really helps to have support and know that you're not alone. It is especially helpful to be amongst people that understand, and we certainly do!!
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Old 04-29-2007, 05:57 AM
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Welcome Shawn. You say there is no help where you live. Have you and your gal sat down and talked about your fears? I think if you approached it the right way, the two of you would benefit greatly from couples counceling. I would apparoach this from a positive angle. The two of you are breaking a generaltional curse together. Wouldn't it be nice for your grandkids to have no recollection of alcohol being a part of their lives? I would talk to your gal in just those terms. Of course we want youto keep coming here and maybe even inviting your girlfriend to come here.
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Old 04-29-2007, 10:01 AM
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i think you would gain a great deal from an open AA meeting. You do not need to say you are alcoholic, just visiting. If you should share your story no one would bat an eye, no judgement there. Many have been there, done that. AA is fantastic.
Also would be great to attend Al-Anon, face to face meetings one finds a friend to go to coffee with. Get hugs. In my opinion we need all three, here at SR and the other 2.
She may never become alcoholic. Alcoholism depends on many things.
Has she said she has been drunk? Has she said, once she has one or two she cannot stop? Does she say she likes a drink to relax?

Both sides of my family did not touch alcohol except for one uncle and he was a very bad alcoholic. Somehow I picked up the gene. If I drank I got drunk, had black outs, ended up in the Moose Lodge at 5AM still drinking, and did not know there was a Moose Lodge till I was there. That is called alcoholic insanity.

Stopping for me was easy, Dr. put me on a tranquilzer for PMS, drinking on top of that made me deathly ill. So if and when around drinks I made sure I had a 7up.

Keep coming back and take what you can use and leave the rest.
Please read "Under The Influence" answers a lot of questions. Can read parts of it over on alcoholism site in their stickeys.
Caring, understanding hugs to you both
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Old 04-30-2007, 08:26 PM
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well it's been a few days but here is an update.

Yes I have tried and talk about my fears to her, but everything I try and say seems to have no affect on her. It seems she would rather not talk about it then actually fix the problem.

I like a ****** started in about the subject tonight in hopes she would maybe hear me for once. and it turned into "I need help and you don't let me do nothing with my friends" Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to someone still in High School. I'm not saying she has a problem, and she doesn't, but if she's not careful she will! Why she needs to get drunk if she does go out and go behind my back to do it makes me mad. I have told her why and she still doesn't get it, I don't want to get a phone call at 3am about something bad happening and that kinda stuff isn't safe to do where we live.

Me and smoking is something she can hold over my head.

She told me if I didn't stop smoking that she was going to leave me, cuz she doesn't like the smell, but in the same dumb statement she said that I can smoke when she drinks only? I stopped smoking 7 months ago and never looked back because she is more imported then a stupid cancer stick.

It wont happen to me, I'll never be addicted to anything "BS"

This always gets my blood going when she says this stuff. Coming out of the mouth of the same person who watches about every reality TV show on, and if she "has" to miss it she tapes it. to me thats an addiction in itself. Also like I have said, when your hole family are alcoholics (Mother-father-Brother-Grandmother-5 uncles- 3 aunts and about 5 cousins that I'm sure of) (----- I kid you not, the apple isn't going to fall to far from the tree.

I really would love help, even if it's just for me cuz I know I have a problem. I would love not to worry 24/7 and keep an open mind to drinking, but I can't at this point. I want kid's and a life without the fear of this "pointless substance" recking everything I have and taking away the only chance at life I got.

Here are a few Q&A's I have to look forward to every time we talk.
~Maybe "we" should see help - You can go but I don't have a problem.
~If I get help will you come - No I don't have a problem
~Why do you have to get drunk when you drink - Cuz It let's me be myself.
~Why can't you not drink when you go out - Cuz it would be pointless to go out.

I tired and lost I spend most of my nights looking into nothing. What I thought was going to be only a nightmare is becoming my reality, do I allow alcohol to enter my life again? I know What my fate will be, but maybe she will be different and maybe it wont affect her. Do I put my life in the hands of a "maybe" or do I end it before it becomes a monster in the closet that we never open?

I have to look a little harder into stuff I can attend in my area that might help, and sorry for my run-on-crappy spelling lol
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Old 05-01-2007, 02:14 AM
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Leaving it sounds like an option. She seems to be telling you that her idea is, "take it and like it becuase that's all you're worth to me". I would be more than willing to do the work if someone met me part way or even showed interest in having an improved relationship. I decided that I wasn't going to work that hard to learn to live with someone elses vices. I think Alanon is a good idea for your own enlightenment.
I would say my dear, now you have a problem because you don't have a lap dog for a partner anymore, you are on your own with your problemless life.
Now you can drink and be yourself and sit by yourself, because I don't like yourself.
While we're on the topic of something being pointless.......
Alcohol shows, it hags women out physically and mentally.
I'm not a fan of ripping someone up to get what I want but I almost feel an abligation to tell someone when they are making an a-- out of themself.
Somewhere out there is a woman praying for a loving caring man, she doesn't drink.
I might consider spending time with her.
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Old 05-01-2007, 06:46 AM
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Welcome to SR Shawn! Keep posting...and find an Al-Anon meeting if you can! It sounds as if you have done so much to be so proud of yourself for-allowing her issues to consume you are only going to get much worse and come crashing possibly down on you and all the hard work you have done for yourself! Keep going with yourself and do what you need to in order to keep yourself going on that right path that you were brave enough to take for all your problems!

Good Luck and (((Hugs)))
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Old 05-01-2007, 03:15 PM
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GO mallow Go mallow!!!---shawn listen to her--that is exactly what I would say to her....you have to decide if you want to live your life in constant mellow drama like this or move on--even if she doesn't drink...what kind of a relationship do you have? She sounds immature and you do not---do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone whose intellect is so low that her favorite passtime is drinking in bars til 3am or watching reality shows?You deserve better for yourself!

Quiting smoking is HARD!!!! I have to do it now and have no idea where to begin....Just like an alkie to hold your smoking over your head...My AS will say to me''you are a drug addict'' because I am on morphine for Lupus and Fibromyalgia,,,,big difference. Now that he is sober he no longer says these rediculous statements.......wishing you the best....
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Old 05-01-2007, 04:54 PM
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She is immature on certain stuff in life, but maybe I am too. I just figured it was cuz I got a real taste of life at a younger age and she finished school and went to collage. She hasn't had to deal with the world outside school, the only real people she knows are 22 and under. Now that she has finished school and got a "Great" job she is starting to meet adults who have a different mind set then she is use to. She tells me all the time it's hard for her to get involved with conversations about home renovations and stuff like that, and she feels out of place. I try and tell her that your going to grow up real fast now that your imported in the "real" world and that your no longer going to be looked at as a student or a kid.

She has only been at this place for 6 months now and I am seeing her 'kid' ways starting to disappear. For the first time we were able to talk about politics as a family with her and her grandmother and she had input and said what she believed.

Smoking lol "It's hard"

It took all I had to quit. You really have to control the people you are around to stop and keep stopped. If people go out for a smoke where you work, you best be not going with them even if it's just to talk or fresh air. It's going to sound dumb, but humor helps. Make ways of being funny about quitting, and more less making fun of yourself. Be honest with yourself and talk about it with everyone you know. If you have to make sure the world knows your trying to quit, it's much easier then doing it by yourself. If you know enough people some might even join you on the quest to quit!

Stuff like that helped me, but what really made me change my mind about smoking hopefully for good was watching my grandfather struggle for months with emphysema until March 23rd when pneumonia ended his life. I was with him when he died and to watch him struggle for air really hit hard and made me realize smoking isn't worth the risk.

It's going to be 8 months on the 6th, and I'm able to remain smoke free without struggle!

I can't say I'll never smoke again, but I can say that I didn't smoke today!
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Old 05-01-2007, 10:41 PM
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shawn I think I smoke so much cause I am home and disabled--it has really got out of hand for me--as you know I have a tumor on my neck they are going to remove--I need to stop!!! I watched my Father die of lung disease--and even though I took care of many many patients with it as a nurse--it was different when it was MY father--a horrible way to die-or even to live--sorry for your loss.

You may be right about your partner--you are probably more strret wise than her. In the work force she will be dealing with all types of people of different ages...maybe that will help her to grow.
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Old 05-01-2007, 11:46 PM
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I hope everything goes well with your surgery and maybe after that you can focus better on kicking the habit, if you still want to quit!
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Old 05-02-2007, 02:25 AM
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A doctor told me that nicotine is 50 times more addictive than heroin.
By the time we are all about 30 years old we have had something happen to us that we either use to rise above or we use as a license to be a victim. A person can get miles and miles out of presenting themself as a victim.
We are all vicitms. No matter who you are, no matter what's happened to you, you become a person who either rises up or lays down.
Some people have little success because they talk the problem not the solution.
There is a parable that I really like.
There were two sons raised by a horrible alcoholic. The father drank and womanized and was hardly ever home. The two boys grew up to be men. One was a very responsible husband and father. The other was a fallen down drunk just like his father, his wife was misused and his children went without.
Both men were asked the same question. With a father like yours how in the world did you turn out the way you did?
Both men had the same answer, " With a father like mine, how would you have expected me to turn out?"
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Old 05-02-2007, 03:40 PM
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My Primary Doc has already ordered a new medicine they have out--called Chantrix(?spelling) It doesn't interact with any other medicines and the only side effect in some cases is nausea....It blocks the craving for nicotine and has had a very high sucess rate. After my surgery I am going to start it.
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