Husband is Out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
Husband is Out
My husband is an alcoholic and I finally made a threat to kick him out and I kept to it. He's been out of the house for 8 days now. He wants to come home and says that I can't physically keep him out of his own home. I have a 16 year old who goes to school near our home and I also work. My husband is not working right now (his partner is letting him take some time off - paid) and his is in Intensive Outpatient Therapy combined with AA. He's been in IOP for 5 weeks now. I'm having a hard time with him pushing his way back into our home. He doesn't drink every day, but he is/was? a serious binge drinker. It's been 8 days since he's had a drink and he thinks that's enough time for him to come. Any advice?
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi and welcome!
How do you feel about this?
Do you want him to come home? What are your thoughts on the matter? You have a say in your life too
he thinks that's enough time for him to come
Do you want him to come home? What are your thoughts on the matter? You have a say in your life too
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
what do you want? i had to learn to forget what my xh wanted because it was always the same thing....to come back home and start his stuff all over again.
i had to learn to do what i wanted. i know how tough it is. they seem so sincere, and for the most part, they are....it's just the next time that robs them of their sincerity...at least it was like that for my hubs.
i knew when my hubs was truly working his program when he didn't put any demands on my or try to bully his way back in home.
i had to learn to do what i wanted. i know how tough it is. they seem so sincere, and for the most part, they are....it's just the next time that robs them of their sincerity...at least it was like that for my hubs.
i knew when my hubs was truly working his program when he didn't put any demands on my or try to bully his way back in home.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
I don't want him back yet. It's been quite peaceful and drama free without him. I guess what I really want is to see a change in him and him beg for my forgives and plead to come home. Instead he says he's "working his program" and deserves to live in his own home while in recovery. I understand what you mean by the demands and bullying. Thanks very much!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
I'm not ready but I guess I don't feel like I have a say since he can come and go in our home as he pleases. He's respected my wishes and has stayed away for 8 days now, but now he's getting really made because he feels he deserves the support of his own home... I can't physically make him leave and yet I'm not willing to leave my home either. Thanks!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Ugh.. I remember that situation. Wish I didn't know this stuff... but.
You might want to talk to a lawyer to find out your rights and you husbands rights in regards to your living situation. For example, with both names on the deed you really don't have much of a legal leg to stand on. Unless you can prove he's a danger in some way, a judge might award you sole use of the marital home, pending a separation agreement or divorce. Of course this is all depending upon the laws in your state. It sounds like your H might have already talked to one?
You might want to talk to a lawyer to find out your rights and you husbands rights in regards to your living situation. For example, with both names on the deed you really don't have much of a legal leg to stand on. Unless you can prove he's a danger in some way, a judge might award you sole use of the marital home, pending a separation agreement or divorce. Of course this is all depending upon the laws in your state. It sounds like your H might have already talked to one?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
Thanks Jazzman. He might have already talked to a lawyer or he might know the law because of his previous wife. I'm pretty sure a restraining order is what it will take and I don't have a reason for that at this time. If he moves back in, he might need to get one though!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Hi Honey, my name is Martin and I am a recovered alcoholic you did the best thing you could have done for him by giving him the boot.
My wife was working on leaving me with the kids and due to her kicking her first AH out when she gave him the ultimatum I knew she meant business. Thanks to her caring more about our children and her self then she did about me when I was drinking I was forced to look at myself and my problem without any one to help me keep on drinking. Well I saw my future if they left, my future with no one to cover everything in my life but me emant in real short time if I kept drinking I knew I would lose every thing and wind up drinking myself to death.
Well I put myself into detox and then straight into AA. I would have never done this if I even thought she was going to help me in any way. If I had thought she would have kept a roof over my head, fed me, clothed me, gave me money or paid for anything for me I would still have been drinking.
The vast majority of alcoholics will do anything they can to keep some one taking care of them to where they can keep on drinking. Until I knew there was no help for me of any kind I was going to drink. If my wife had said "I am not talking to you or even touching you any more as long as you drink I would have kept on drinking.
In regards to your husband how do you know he has not drank in 8 days? If the only way you know that is because he says that is the truth and he was me, I would be lying to you hoping and praying you would let me come home. Do not get me wrong, he may be telling the truth.
When I was in detox it was impossible to drink and stay there. So when I came home my wife knew with out a doubt that I had not drank.
You are going to have to go with your gut feeling on this. Maybe a good thing to do is go talk to a lawyer and see if an agreement between you and him that is legally binding can be drawn up that if he is caught drinking he is gone!
The good thing is he knows that you will give him the boot, that it is not a threat.
We alcoholics will lie about anything to get you to pity us to where you will not give us the boot to where we can keep drinking. Heck we will fake an illness or fake being suicidal to sucker someone to take care of us to where we can keep drinking.
My wife was working on leaving me with the kids and due to her kicking her first AH out when she gave him the ultimatum I knew she meant business. Thanks to her caring more about our children and her self then she did about me when I was drinking I was forced to look at myself and my problem without any one to help me keep on drinking. Well I saw my future if they left, my future with no one to cover everything in my life but me emant in real short time if I kept drinking I knew I would lose every thing and wind up drinking myself to death.
Well I put myself into detox and then straight into AA. I would have never done this if I even thought she was going to help me in any way. If I had thought she would have kept a roof over my head, fed me, clothed me, gave me money or paid for anything for me I would still have been drinking.
The vast majority of alcoholics will do anything they can to keep some one taking care of them to where they can keep on drinking. Until I knew there was no help for me of any kind I was going to drink. If my wife had said "I am not talking to you or even touching you any more as long as you drink I would have kept on drinking.
In regards to your husband how do you know he has not drank in 8 days? If the only way you know that is because he says that is the truth and he was me, I would be lying to you hoping and praying you would let me come home. Do not get me wrong, he may be telling the truth.
When I was in detox it was impossible to drink and stay there. So when I came home my wife knew with out a doubt that I had not drank.
You are going to have to go with your gut feeling on this. Maybe a good thing to do is go talk to a lawyer and see if an agreement between you and him that is legally binding can be drawn up that if he is caught drinking he is gone!
The good thing is he knows that you will give him the boot, that it is not a threat.
We alcoholics will lie about anything to get you to pity us to where you will not give us the boot to where we can keep drinking. Heck we will fake an illness or fake being suicidal to sucker someone to take care of us to where we can keep drinking.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by honeyhush 
If he moves back in, he might need to get one though!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
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If you are not ready for him to come back then do not let him come back if possible.
I will say this though, he should apologize for the things he has done, but forcing him to beg is wrong. If you have not been to alanon you should go. Talk to someone about steps 8&9, it is basically the same in AA and alanon. Yes one should be sorry and try to make amends for thier wrongs, but begging is not amends, that is taking every last ounce of pride that some one may have left away from them when they are already at a bottom. It is like rubbing salt into a wound or kicki9ng some one after you have already knocked them out!
I will say this though, he should apologize for the things he has done, but forcing him to beg is wrong. If you have not been to alanon you should go. Talk to someone about steps 8&9, it is basically the same in AA and alanon. Yes one should be sorry and try to make amends for thier wrongs, but begging is not amends, that is taking every last ounce of pride that some one may have left away from them when they are already at a bottom. It is like rubbing salt into a wound or kicki9ng some one after you have already knocked them out!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
I know I shouldn't expect him to beg, but no matter how many Al-Anon meetings I go to, I still resent him AND the disease for all of the stuff that has happened. I can only blame myself though for staying around. I do love him and I believe there is hope and this point, but to ever trust him again...
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
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honey in AA we learn that we should not expect forgiveness in a matter of a short time for years of turmoil we have created in our families.
Ask him to read the last paragraph on page 82 in the BB, the 5th & 6th sentence says:
Tell him then to read page 83, paragraph 2, last sentence which says:
Tell him that if he is really working his program he will move back in when you and the kids are ready for him to come back.
Your resentment is fully understood both against him and the disease. Just trust me when I say that I have found the first sentence in Chapter 5 of the BB to be true for I have followed the path laid out and I have recovered, I am not cured, there is no such thing, but I have recovered:
If he truly follows the path he will recover, depending upon him it can happen slowly or quickly.
Ask him to read the last paragraph on page 82 in the BB, the 5th & 6th sentence says:
Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says sobriety is enough.
We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkeness would make a skeptic out of anyone.
Your resentment is fully understood both against him and the disease. Just trust me when I say that I have found the first sentence in Chapter 5 of the BB to be true for I have followed the path laid out and I have recovered, I am not cured, there is no such thing, but I have recovered:
Rarely Have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed out path.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
I have been in this situation several times... and my husband did not like it. He would make threats about our home being HIS house - but I looked at it this way, our kids deserved the stability of staying in our home, near their friends and schools ...and I earned the right to be the one caring for them. His repeated poor choices got him in the situation he was in... and it was up to him to earn our trust back again.
I stuck to my decision in the end...I explained to him that he needed long term sobriety before he could move back in. Alcoholics also need to know that they need time to adjust to all the physical and emotional changes being sober will bring and that they will not be themselves for probably several months or even longer - and sometimes being in familiar surroundings will be a trigger to drink again.
You and your son deserve to have stability and calm in your home and much deserved time to adjust and gain perspective on your situation and see if he can 'walk the walk' ... rather than just making more promises that in the past have always been broken. In time if he appears to making progress and you are willing, you and your son can get together with him for a meal and an occasional get together and see how things unfold from there.
This situation sounds so painfully familiar ... in the end, my husband respected the separation since he could not maintain sobriety ... and the kids and I became accustomed to living in a much calmer and peaceful household... (that is, as much as you can expect with 2 teenagers).
I hope your husband will give you the time you both need at this point.
I stuck to my decision in the end...I explained to him that he needed long term sobriety before he could move back in. Alcoholics also need to know that they need time to adjust to all the physical and emotional changes being sober will bring and that they will not be themselves for probably several months or even longer - and sometimes being in familiar surroundings will be a trigger to drink again.
You and your son deserve to have stability and calm in your home and much deserved time to adjust and gain perspective on your situation and see if he can 'walk the walk' ... rather than just making more promises that in the past have always been broken. In time if he appears to making progress and you are willing, you and your son can get together with him for a meal and an occasional get together and see how things unfold from there.
This situation sounds so painfully familiar ... in the end, my husband respected the separation since he could not maintain sobriety ... and the kids and I became accustomed to living in a much calmer and peaceful household... (that is, as much as you can expect with 2 teenagers).
I hope your husband will give you the time you both need at this point.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
Thanks so much! We actually had a calm conversation (after a 1 hour fight) and he agreed to staying away until I'm ready for him to come home. It never dawned on me that the familiarity of our home could be a trigger - that is so true. He's so afraid of being alone and I'm so NOT afraid of being alone. I just love him and know that he can beat this. We really have a great life when he's sober (I think - those times have been rare) but the thought of trusting him again is overwhelming. I often wonder if you can ever really trust again...
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MT P, SC
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Tazman53
We alcoholics will lie about anything to get you to pity us to where you will not give us the boot to where we can keep drinking. Heck we will fake an illness or fake being suicidal to sucker someone to take care of us to where we can keep drinking.
Do you mind if I pick your brain for a moment? This is probably my codi speaking [when an alcoholic tells you "your as sick as he is" I would say yeah---I'm pretty messed up].
My anger of now realizing MY denial-enabling-codependency role in this dysfunctional marriage is what's really fueling me through the separation process that will be finalized next month (after school ends), however, the AH has been trying really hard to emotionally pull me back in the past two weeks (the famous manipulation tactic A's use), but without any success...I AM DONE, period.
However, what I worry about is that when AH gets to his new location [NW state] and I get to mine on the other side of the country [SC], which I did on purpose to ensure there was enough distance so I don't get sucked back in...is that I do worry about being sucked in, even with the distance, because we have two teenage boys that we are still parents of.
I am way too kind hearted, a humanitarian by nature, which IS why I stuck it out for so long. With this, I truly fear that after a short awhile (within a month of leaving) the AH will come to an 'epiphany' about how badly he has treated me since due to the fact he has been so out of touch with handling any and all household duties (finances, shopping, cooking, chores, etc.) for the past 10 years that he may use it to try and 'hook me' into the same ole codependency mode by helping him to set up his new place, and all the other stuff that goes with it.
I KNOW I need to allow AH to suffer his consequences, but its not only my nature for caring, its my career in law as well that has served a big part in my enabling role where I have help bail hundreds of people out of their problems! Yup, I have it really bad! Any pointers that you can give a 'newbie' to watch out for would be well received ;o)
Just trying to understand alcoholism / codependency and all the dysfunction that goes with it. Since my AH is still in complete denial about his drinking, actually hearing from one that ADMITS IT is baffling to me.
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AH is still in complete denial about his drinking, actually hearing from one that ADMITS IT is baffling to me.
When I was drinking as long as I had a warm bed, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, some one to pay bills, and a woman to come home to I had no drinking problem! I did not stop until I knew for a certainity that all of that was gone!
I baffle you because I figured out I had a problem and admit it? If you are not in alanon you should go, but I would also reccommend to go to a few "Open" AA meetings, you will discover there are rooms full of men and women who have admitted they are powerless over alcohol and have stopped drinking.
I am an alcoholic and I am powerless over alcohol, I did not see this until I was forced to see it by knowing that everything & everyone that had helped me to continue to drink was going away, my lies and promises no longer worked. It was just me and my bottle.
My wife pulling the rug out from under me, Detox and AA saved this drunk.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 7
Tazman53, your honesty has helped me more in one day than any Al-Anon meeting I've been to. I'm not knocking Al-Anon, I'm just saying that you don't get to hear stories like yours straight from the horses mouth at Al-Anon meetings. I'm a newbie like Sprylynx and your input is priceless to me. Thanks for shooting it straight and giving us such great insight to the other side and also for letting us know that change is possible as long as our loved one wants it. We can't do it for them!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I hear those stories at open AA meetings. Al-Anon is not about the alcoholic, it is about me. Just as AA meetings focus on staying sober, Al-Anon focuses on me staying sane and living my best life. Not everything is about the alcoholic, no matter how much he/she tells me so.
((()))
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Tazman 53 May I ask you a question? I don't know if you have exerience or know someone that does.
Lets assume one active alcoholic that is hammered by the disease and has the unfortunate bahaviors such as irritability, anger, hostility when drunk, drama, super nast hurtful words to people close; would move in with another active alcoholic. Would the 2 argue nd/or fight due to htis behavior or do they not care as long as there is booze? I recall when my aw was looking for a roomate she seemed to know which friends had a dring problem and avoided living with them. She recognized drinking problems in others but not in herself.
If anyone else can reflect on this issue I owuld also appreciate it.
And thank ou for your honesty and insight.
Lets assume one active alcoholic that is hammered by the disease and has the unfortunate bahaviors such as irritability, anger, hostility when drunk, drama, super nast hurtful words to people close; would move in with another active alcoholic. Would the 2 argue nd/or fight due to htis behavior or do they not care as long as there is booze? I recall when my aw was looking for a roomate she seemed to know which friends had a dring problem and avoided living with them. She recognized drinking problems in others but not in herself.
If anyone else can reflect on this issue I owuld also appreciate it.
And thank ou for your honesty and insight.
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