cab

I have posted here a few times with problems with my AD, who is 32 and has a family with 4 children. She has tried to quit more than once, usually when something bad happens. Last time she was arrested for domestic dispute and spent the night in jail. This really scared her and she enrolled in outpatient therapy (only thing insurance would pay for) and sees a counselor once a week (again only thing insurance would pay for). She had been sober for 18 days before it started again. She is now depressed, sick, and totally mad at the world. Those first days were hard on her and then she seemed to get better mentally.
Now she has went back into her funk where everyone is against her and she just does nothing. She won't go the the doctor or find a new one that will actually try to help her. She was on meds that I think helped her but now there are a bunch of reasons that she won't get her prescriptions filled and continue.
She denies that she is drinking again but all the same signs are there. Depression, argumentive, smells like alcohol, lying, etc. In this stage, she doesn't drink a lot just enough to be able to try to convince us (her husband and us) that she isn't. Probably one or two beers.
This is her pattern. Get into trouble buy arguing and finding someone to believe her that she is trouble and get them to let her stay and drink at their house. Then she feels remorse and stops and tries to do anything to stay at home. Two to three weeks later something will trigger a problem and she will spiral down to the same place again.
When she is not drinking, she seems to have everything together. She is nice, she cares about other people, she goes to her sessions, etc, but she cannot hold it.
I guess I am trying to find someway to convince her or help her to get over that bad period so she can continue on in recovery. I try to tell her that her life will never be perfect, that it will never be calm (she has 4 boys under 12), that she has to find her own happiness and stop trying to believe it is in somebody’s elses hands.
Should I continue to try to reason with her. Should I call her a liar when I know she is. Should I ignore her when she wants to fight. I just don't know what to do.
I am trying my hardest to not let it affect me personally, but I cannot stop worrying about those boys which makes me worry myself sick over her.

She lost her job because of drinking, they have only one car so she can't just go. Other people say tough love and put her on the street. She has NOwhere to go.
How can we do that to her.

I am looking for some kind of advice.
Thanks

Tazman53

Hi Cab my name is Martin and I am a recovered alcoholic.

There is a sticky at the top of this page titled "Can it get it any clearer", I would reccommend you read it.

I can tell you that in order for me to get and stay sober I had to have no choice but to face my alcoholism and all the problems associated with it all by myself, as long as I was getting any help of any sort except being dropped off at detox/rehab I was going to continue to drink.

Cab if you had offered me help if I told you I loved you I would have told you that just to where I could keep drinking.

You ask if there is anything to do to help her? For this alcoholic the best help I got was absolutely no help at all!!

I have 6 kids, 3 grown and one of them has all the hallmarks of being an alcoholic, my day is coming and the only thing I can do to help my son is for me to stay sober and let him fall on his own sword.

I will take in my grandkids and daughter in law, but I will not lift a finger or spend a dime to help him until he asks for help in getting sober, then his dad will take him into the rooms of AA where I found my solution after 40 years of drinking, unless he is as far along as I was then I will take him to detox/rehab and then to AA.

Rella927

Yup uh Taz on the money again! (Grateful for Taz!)

Cab my mother enabled my brother-roof over head,"I love you" bailed him out of jail, encouraged him when he said "I'm not like those people" at AA so on and so on...now he is in jail dealing with his alcoholic behavior on his own and will do so when he gets out in November.

I myself enabled my x A for a bit to long-now it is his parents turn as they like the x A keep blaming me for his drinking and now they are bailing him out of jail. In return this will create havoc for me! Why do they care? They DON'T and the A does not-as Taz stated so well as always-as long as you keep bailing them out-helping them they will continue doing what they need to do to get that drink!

(((Hugs Cab)))

parentrecovers

i have a daughter also, cab, with addiction. i wish i had the answers, but i don't. please know that i am thinking of you and your family. blessings, k

cab

I understand what you are saying. If she gets into trouble I will do nothing and have not done anything in the past for her. My problem is her family. How do you ignore her and still try to help the kids. If she drinks she becomes a nightmare, yelling at anyone and at everything. That is how she spent the night in jail ( she argued and yelled at the cops). How do you call her a liar or ignore her or confront her or talk to her without her taking it out on the family. I don't live there so it pains me greatly to know this goes on to those innocent kids .

If she wants to go to sessions and counselors and does not have a car because her husband needs it for work or he scared she might drink and drive and lose their only transportation. Which is worse, her not going or me taking her?

So no amount of support, no amount of confronting will help her. If that is true why AA, why counselors, why rehab?

You cannot just ignore someone that lives in your house. You cannot let the mess pile up, you cannot wash clothes, you cannot fix meals. It is also unreasonable to me that she should be required to do anything herself that is for her, as in wash clothes.
That would make me mad as hell also.
It is not like she drinks everyday during this period, but if her pattern goes on she will start.
I know she is trying to convince me she has totally stopped, but I don't believe her.

What I hear from you is that the only way to get thru to her is to pack a bag, sit it on the front porch and try to keep her out of the house and the kids life’s. Don't help her find a place to stay, don't help her eat, don't help her when she is sick, just let her ruin everybody’s lives and put the kids in danger or in more turmoil than they are. This family is not rich, in fact, if something doesn't change soon in their financials, they will lose the car, the house and everything.

Want I hear is ok let it happen and maybe this will wake her up.

Yes, she is an alcoholic. She cannot drink. But she doesn't drink all the time and rarely drinks enough to pass out. Her body just can't take alcohol, she loses control of emotions and makes life hell for anyone around her at that time.

If there was not a family involved and she lived by herself or with a BF or husband, this would not be as big a deal as it is. But she doesn't, those kids deserve everything I can do.

Only the youngest is our grandson, the other three are step sons. These step sons have shown remarkable improvement (in school, emotional, and other ways) from when they lived with their uncaring mother to when AD and her husband got custody. I see this as a sign they need a mother. AD is that 60% of the time but the other 40% is not good.

Thanks for responding and letting me vent.

elizabeth1979

Hi Cab,
Welcome to SR!
Ive lived with an alcoholic and am related by blood to more than a few.
Ive seen the good times, Ive seen the bad times.

Im always saddened to hear when children are suffering or their needs arent being met as a result of alcoholism. Sadly, this is often the case.

I dont try to rationalize with the irrational or reason with the unreasonable. So, simply put..I wouldnt. I can only say what I would do.
Attempting to reason with the alcoholics in my life while they where drinkining was futile.



In my opinion, without boundries, calling someone out on a lie would usualy get me in a place I didnt need to be. Im not a Life Official or the keeper of someone elses truth. That doesnt mean I have to believe their lies either. In my world, believing an active alcoholics lies is enabling.

I always do. It keeps me sane and safe.


Glad you are here and hope you keep posting!
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a life changinf book..it helped me

Sunflower

I can only give you my opinion--thats all--I am on the other side--when I was young I was married to an A (he is long gone) I now have an A son who is in recovery, If not for my parents--I don't know how I would have left my EX--they were right there for me.

As far I my son I have stuck by him thru thick and thin--horrible horrible things have happened here in my home because of it--but in our family we are tough--but no one ever ever for any reason gets thrown in the street.I think it has to do with different family values.(not that I am saying some are wrong for this method) It took me years--yes I sacrificed alot--but after many rehabs detoxes AA outpatients etc....he is finally in recovery for over 6 months now.
Its different when it is your child no matter what age they are--and the fact that Grandchildren are involved makes it even more desperate....
I wish I knew what to tell you--I only know that years of love and scars were worth it to see him as he is today.
The traditional way of treatment didn't work for my son--I can tell you more info if you PM me about the way he worked to get sober.....(((HUGS))))