socalgal

I am not sure where to post this as it isn't about me dealing with my A. I am the alcoholic in this case. I am in so much pain right now and I just don't know where to go with it. I have experienced the love and support that goes on in this forum so I hope it is ok if I post this here. It might get a little long, apologies in advance.

When I got married 15 years ago I was a binge drinker, active in my disease. I got sober after about 2 years and have remained so for the past 13 years. During this time my marraige has been rocky and difficult, just not as good as it could be but I never really knew quite why. Recently, things have gotten worse, which is what lead both of us into therapy, etc.

I have come to understand that I married a man who is emotionally abusive and also emotionally unavailable to me. Let's face it, there is a reason he married a drunk, although neither of us thought about this at the time. (To be fair, there is also a reason I married a man who treats me the way that he does.) I believe we make our choices for partners for reasons, although we may not be aware of them.

Tonight during a very heated "discussion" I asked him, through tears, "You seem to just be so angry with me and you seem lilke you hate me. When did you start hating me like this?" His answer, "When you got sober."
Whoa, talk about a punch in the stomach. For thirteen years this man has hated me and harbored resentment against me. As soon as I showed up and was present for the marraige and ready to have a relationship he wasn't interested. I wasn't the checked out girl he married, now I wanted something from him.

My husband never did any kind of recovery. If there were any problems he blamed them on me. I was the one who was sick, I was the one who was crazy, I was the one with the problems (even though I was the one who was sober and in recovery). Only now has he started going to Alanon, but I fear it is probably too late. So much damage has been done. i am heartbroken.

This is what can happen when one person is in recovery and the other isn't. If your spouse gets sober and works on recovery, but you don't the results can be tragic.

We have two children and I thought this was the man I would spend my life with, I just don't know if this is true anymore. For thirteen years he has harbored such anger and hatred, I have felt the brunt of it and I don't think I can take it any more

If you are angry with your spouse and don't work through it and look at what part or what issues of your own might be contributing it simply won't work. Please, work on your own recovery. If you stay married, do your part to recover. Don't let your marraige end up like mine.

I am reeling and don't even know what to think. I knew things were bad, but....(sigh)(wipes away tears).

I didn't get sober and stay sober to live the rest of my life like this and I sure as hell am not going to drink now. Not over this man.

I still love him (yes, I have my own codependent issues) and that is what makes it hurt so much.

Please say a little prayer for my family.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Love,
-K

Cynay

OMG does my heart go out to you K and you have my prayers......

But stop for a moment, you said you love him and he has only started to work on his recovery???? Maybe you might want to just detach a little and see what his recovery brings to him????

I can hear the love you have for him and honi he does not hate you. I hated that my ex-abf changed the dance is all, I hated that the man he was going to become did not fit like a puzzle piece into my sever co-dependence....

Dont take responsibility for that.... that is our issues and you really need to remember that when we hit our bottom.... we are just as sick as you were when you hit yours... just as crazy too.

HUGS..... Vent all you like and we are sooooo glad you came to us. Either side we hurt and your not alone anymore.

MsGolightly

aw, K. hugs to you.

even without knowing your husband, i have a feeling he doesn't "hate" you. we have different ways of caring about people... we all have different reasons for caring... i would find it hard to believe that he's invested so much time into a relationship with someone that he "hates" - especially if he hasn't really begun his own recovery process - he probably has pent up feelings that he can't get out in any other way... besides making you feel bad.

i've done a lot of reading on verbally abusive relationships lately, and they're all about power and putting someone else down to make yourself feel better. maybe he is unhappy, he could be depressed, but he has the choice to get out of it, just like you made the choice to stop drinking. to me, it says more about him - not helping himself - than it does about you or your marriage.

have you guys talked about this in therapy? i think it goes way beyond you.

socalgal

Yes,I know these are HIS issues. I do need to detatch. For years I have been so pathetically trying to get him to just connect and I just hit a brick wall. I have been so lonely and I feel so needy. I really just thought it was all me, but the truth is, I am coming to discover that I actually have needs, the need for an intimate relationship and he simply is unable or unwilling to deliver. We are both in therapy, we tried couples therapy but it was a disaster. Now we are seeing our own therapists. Monday I started seeing a new therapist, a woman whom I think will be very helpful to me.

My husband has MANY issues that have gone untouched for years. He is also an adult child of alcoholics and carries the legacy and all of the crap that goes with that (I am ACA too, great combination). He is severely depressed but is finally on medication. He is suicidal at times, which adds another terrifying element. He has anger and rage and lives in a sort of detatched state emotionally. I have become the very sick codependent trying to deal with all of this and trying to help, change, lecture, discuss,teach, threaten, cry, beg, yell,etc. him into being different than he is. Yuck. We are working on things, but every other day he can't handle it and says he's done, he wants out, etc. It has been such a roller coaster and tonight I just want to get off.

Thank you for your replies, I am crying so hard now. I guess I just needed to hear a little support. I have been carrying this inside for too long. I am so sad and so lonely.

I love you guys, tonight you are my lifeline.

-K

MsGolightly

K, feel free to cry! sometimes it's the only thing that helps.

i know it's the hardest thing to hear right now, but i think that time will show you what is right, or what is supposed to happen.

sometimes, we get in funks. his depression might be something he has yet to work through (i mean, i know you said he's on medication, but sometimes it's hard to see WHY we're depressed) and it very well could be something he's taking out on you.

like cynay said, he might resent you for changing the dance of your relationship. i'm sure he did marry someone totally different from who you are today - but it's the you NOW that you want someone to love you for. is there any way that you can take your child(ren?) somewhere for a weekend, just to regroup and relax?

socalgal

Time... I feel like so much time has passed. So many problems,on both sides that should have been dealt with long ago.

For years I have been the one to blame for problems. My mother does it so of course, I married a man who does the same. When I was drinking it was easy for everyone to focus on me and certainly I caused a lot of problems and pain for everyone. But then I stopped. I have lived every day of the past thirteen years as a living amends to those that I harmed. When I was newly sober I carried so much guilt and shame and consequently still felt I deserved no better than to be seen as the cause of everyone's misery. I have been the scapegoat for people for years. I have felt terrible and saddened that that was my label. I now know, though, that it simply isn't true. I am not the horrible person that others need to see me as. So, I guess that is some progress. I know I am not the cause, but they still see me as it...sigh.

I also have to look at my part in all of this. Why On earth did I stay? Denial? I think I honestly didn't understand what was going on. ACAs tend to guess at what normal is and really a lot of what was happening in my marraige happened in my home growing up. The benefit of hidsight and therapy!

I do feel like a little distance would be good at this point, however, I have to be here this weekend. I am going to join a church (by myself) and the first membership class is this Sunday. Husband is going to Las Vegas for three days, though Sunday-Tuesday. Normally I would not be looking forward to this, this time I am. A little peace would be welcome.

Its strange, I feel like I have been keeping all of this a secret. I feel ashamed of the state of my marraige. I think I feel ashamed that I have tolerated this situation for so long.

-K

MsGolightly

i think that if other people (including your husband) can't forgive you for what you've done, or have a hard time accepting and respecting the person that you are now - that you appear to be much more proud of - then that's truly their problem and not your own. but, i realize that everything that's going on with your husband isn't something you can just dismiss. you are married, after all!

i think it's really great that he'll be gone this weekend. he needs to spend time alone (hopefully this will be done in therapy as well) to determine who he is and why he's treating you the way that he is, and hopefully it's something he can change, for the sake of your marriage and your child. but just as he couldn't control you, you can't control him.

you said earlier that he's emotionally abusive towards you... is this someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with? what if he doesn't change? i'm so sorry you're hurting...

socalgal

Yes,what if he doesn't change? This is where my control issues start to run the show. I KNOW I can't make him change. But, what if he doesn't.

No, I can't live like this. I deserve better. My kids desesrve better.

Do I wait? I feel I've waited 15 years. Patience is not one of my finer points. Now that we are aware of the problems, I would like them changed...now, please!

MsGolightly

i'm pretty impatient, too!

you know we can't tell you whether or not you should wait. is it possible for you to move out for a few months and just separate for now? it sounds like he has his own issues to work on, and he might not be able to "discover" himself as long as he has you around. at least if you move out, you can begin to detach yourself, and maybe figure out what you really want? it might be easier said than done though!

socalgal

Ugh, yeah I thought about separation today. I can hardly wrap my mind around the idea. It feels like a means to an end. this is just so sad. I think I need to really explore this with the therapist on Monday. I do agree that at this time I am not being very helpful to him. I don't know. I think, you are right, time (and prayers) will tell.

Ok, I'm off to take a bath. H is at a men's meeting. Let's hope he comes home in a better place. Either way, I am sleeping in the basement. Detatch. detatch. So hard.

-K

MsGolightly

i know it's hard... there's a song lyric that i often think of lately: "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." and if everything was easy, we'd never learn.

you don't need to rush things... take them as you need to take them... but it seems like your convo tonight was an eye-opener for you...

denny57

I'm sorry socal, girl, that you are in so much pain. I remember vividly one time crying to AH, why do you hate me so much?

The most difficult thing I deal with is patience. Seems my therapist and I talk about it every week. I can't speak for him, but I doubt it's hate; sounds very much like unresolved resentments.

I don't believe it is ever too late to make things right if both people are making an effort.

Hope tomorrow is a bit brighter.

((()))

lanie67

I know I once heard that when you take away an addict's drug of choice what you are left with is a codependent, so I guess if one person in the relationship gets sober you have two codependents mirroring to each other the behavior that they can't stand in themselves. I know that must make things difficult. I am sorry that you are struggling, and hope that the two of you work things out. Hugs to you.

mallowcup

Looking back over a long marriage would have disappointments in it no matter what. Comments made are sometimes more for effect than accuracy. Lifes events can alter the way we feel over time too. He doesn't feel happy or content but neither do you. He isn't considering what he might have doen to get the wife he wanted. He focused on the lack not the fix to it. No woman or man continues to put themself into something that has no payoff. I love that saying, "To see a mans real character, look into his wifes eyes".
I look into my own eyes once in a while to see how things are going.
You have issues with your marriage but remember that all people do.
Remember that all marriages face menapause and mid life crisis.
Also remember that there is a whole world out there that won't eat you up, it will embrace you.
Don't stay in a place that makes you regret not being drunk.
Mostly remember that when someone we love says something so hurtful, they are usually angry with themselves, disappointed with themselves, frustrated with their own life.
The single greatest thing you ever did to change the course of your life is to quit drinking. If you had continued drinking, you'd probably be dead today.
Your husband doesn't hate you. It sounds like mid life crisis.
If it weren't for you, he could have been a contender right? He was upwardly mobile until you ruined that right?
I think this is more about a man who needs to feel his power by knowing he has the ability to effect you, even if that means breaking your heart.
I bet he has big frustrations with his job, he's feeling insignificant, he's feeling middle aged and invisible.
Tell him to buy a motorcycle and a gold chain. No matter what anyone is or how much they aquire, if they are cruel, they have nothing.

parentrecovers

prayers to you, socalgal - keep coming back! k

Grasshopper

congrats on your sober time,,way to go!!!!!
I know for myself,being alcoholic,the worse thing that folks did with good intentions was to push,me into healing faster than i was able to.The road that lead to my hell[and this is by no means blame here},was paved by folks with good intentions.Their hearts were in the right place,but really this cased me such anguish.I wasnt ready.I couldnt do what they wanted in the time that they wanted me to.And i allowed it,until i finally said--back off...lol.
I know as an alcoholic i wanted healing,things to be done now,and in a hurry.Life just doesnt work out this way.Marriages dont either.Although what he said is painful,at least he finally got it out,and now is in the progress of recovery.Al-anon will teach him,his part in all the stuff,and to focus on his part.As we alcoholics do this to.We make ammends,to those we have harmed.But the healing inside comes from inside,for ourselves as well as others healing.
Acceptance is my key.Accept who hub is,not what i want him to be,and continue with my recovery,one day at a time.I dont today get offened by hurting folks,and what they say.because i know that it comes from within them,after ive made ammends.I cant rush their recovery.Only pray for their healing.
My prayers for you both.Let recovery begin with you.

socalgal

I logged on this morning and read all of your replies and just cried. Thank you for your support. Everything you've said is true and useful and stuff i needed to hear.

You know, if anyone else had said what H said to me I wocould have dealt with it, blew it off, thought it was their problem, etc. The fact that my husband, the man who I once thought was my best friend, said this, for whatever reason, just sucks.

Ok, today my goal is to TRY not to obsess about this. I think I'll go to Target. Always a good distraction!

I love you all, thank you for your support.

-K

MsGolightly

i think that's very true.

K, i hope you slept well last night, and i hope you were able to buy some goodies at target!

just take your time and remember to breathe... find ways to relax so you don't get overwhelmed with everything that's going on. thinking of you

Sunflower

It is ''never too late"" sounds like you are both working on the issues involved in your marriage--take it slow--try not to think so neg---were than any happy times in your marriage after all these years?He has clinical depression and is mid life--that is a bad time for a lot of people.Passages--we all go thru them--((((HUGS))))I do hope you keep posting here!!!!!

sprylynx

I am leaving my AH for this very reason...all the 'dirty little secrets' that accumulated in our marriage over the past 10 years (out of 17 years).

On the outside everyone believes we are a highly successful and happy couple, heck, I even had my two boys fooled at ages 16 & 14, whereby, my 16 yo no more than 5 months ago said "you and dad have the perfect marriage"! Yup, this is how well I played the role as the denial-enabling-codependent...Heck, I should receive an Oscar for my performance!

The emotional abuse you are experiencing really hits home -- its like I've walked in your shoes, except, I am now refusing to wear them again. Why should us kind hearts suffer so much pain because our men are incapable of excepting their own infallibility?

I'm new here...so I'm probably not helping you very much. But my heart goes out to you and I hope you find the inner strength to get through this very difficult time.