Grace

As some of you know, I am staying with my mother.
Granted....I am safe here....physically, but mentally and emotionally, I feel like I'm ready to snap.
My mom is 75 years old, physically, and 8 years old, mentally.
I have been jumping through hoops for her since I moved in. Running her errands, doing her laundry, cooking, cleaning. You name it....I'm doing it. My brother brought the lawn mower last night and told me that I could start cutting the grass. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mind earning my keep, but I feel like I have jumped right back into the same situation, minus the physical threats.

My mother has been addicted to pain pills for as long as I can remember, and she is very, very controlling and manipulative. If anyone says anything to her that even SLIGHTLY resembles constructive criticism, she starts pouting or crying. Like the A, I don't feel that she has ever grown up emotionally. My family members agree, but they are all very pleased that I am living here now. Took all the responsibility of caring for mother off their shoulders.

The only real difference between this situation and the one that I just left, is the threat of physical violence. Yes, that is incredibly relevant, but I'm afraid that I'm going to end up disliking and resenting my mother. I have tried using that Alanon on her, but she cries, pouts, and calls friends and family members and tells them how terrible I am. I've overheard her bitching about me, and I can promise you all that I am not being mean to her.
For example, today she started crying because I told her that she should get gas in the vehicle while we were in town, and she felt like waiting. The tank was on "E".

HELP!!!!!!!

parentrecovers

do you have other options? can you make other living arrangements? or start working on your plan to make another move out of there? it sounds toxic. blessings, k

WantsOut

Yeah, you need your own space - a place where you can do your own thing with no one else involved.

FormerDoormat

"but I feel like I have jumped right back into the same situation, minus the physical threats."

That's because you have. So do you plan to do about it?

WhatAboutME

Yikes! Doesn't sound much better than the place you left. I would definitely explore other options. My husband has been gone since Sunday. It is the 1st time I have been truly by myself for years. Peace and quiet is totally new to me!

Zoey

Start checking shelters for women in crisis.
You need a break.

SaTiT

Sorry your going through that Grace.
My gf mom is getting older everyday.
She visits , shop, and run errans for her mom.
It puts a drain on my gf. Once or twice a week visits
and a phone everyday is plenty for my gf.

yeap, from the frying pan and into the fire.
Been there too. For me there was something
good that came out of it. I had to look beyound
the surface. The lesson or experince just took
on that sort of form on the outside. I got well
living through that on the inside.

Rella927

Grace (((Hugs))) for every problem there is a solution! Start trying to reach for your solution to take care of you! Start searching for better living arrangements before you start getting dizzy again from the ride-

atalose

Grace,
Are you sure we are not sharing the same mother??? lol I do understand exactly what you are going through. My mother doesn't have any addictions just extreme codependency along with guilt by manipulation and of course she is a Martyr. She also is 75 and her entire life has depended on others to do the things she didn't want to do for herself. She loves the roll of caretaker towards my dad who is losing his eye sight and the entire situation has given my mother a hugh excuse to do even less for herself.
My advice to you is moving out as quickly as you can. The longer you stay the longer your insides will decay. I thought I could handle my mother based on my alanon and going to meetings but it just doesn't work that way. And the more you do the more you are expected to do. And ultimately it is there house and things have to go there way.
My mother needs me there other wise she would have to do for herself and that is most unpleasant or scary for her, I can’t figure that one out. So I have set boundaries, she certainly doesn’t like to here the word no but then her choice would be to do for herself.
I refuse to run to the grocery store every single day. I will go on certain days and if she fails to put something on a list (something else she doesn’t like to do) I will not run right out I will wait until the next shopping trip or she can get it for herself. My mom doesn’t do the crying thing she does the sulking thing and the nobody does anything for her routine. Get out or set your boundaries and stick to them, it’s hard very hard. Don’t justify that there is no physical abuse so there for it’s not as bad as before, emotional abuse can hurt deeper and last so much longer. You will become filled with resentment which will only add to your stress.

fluffyflea

Grace,

You definitley have jumped back into the same situation but loo on the bright side, now you know why you went there with your ex A. A lesson in living colour.

Now what do you want to do about it? Can you look into a shelter f or women, get a room in a boarding house for awhile until you find a place?

You are number one.

Earthworm

mallowcup

When you accept help, you accept it on their terms. The faster you get your own place, the sooner you can live life on your terms. If you have moved from being dependent on one to being dependent on another, your situation hasn't changed. That can be a temporary situation. I think you may be getting a big fat message from your brother that it's time to start looking. On the flip side, I can tell you, I'm not bringing the my mower over, then mow while everyone else in the house is allowing me to do their yard work.
I think if you weren't living there, your brother would mow.
How many times have you mowed the lawn before you moved back in? I think it sounds like while you were living life, someone wants you to get the message loud and clear that they were helping your mother out all this time, now it's your turn. This is a mess you still aren't out of.
I hate to sound unsymathetic but even if the terms for staying with your mother seem unreasonable, they are the terms.

Grace

I appreciate all the input. I know that I need to get my own place soon, but in the meantime...this is my mother. I love her very much, but things were much better when I lived elsewhere. My brother has been mowing the grass for my mother, but he lives right beside her. I truly wasn't looking for sympathy; however, I have ALWAYS been here for my mom. I have three other siblings, and I can honestly say that I have done just as much as, if not more than, the others. My sister is an alcoholic and a drug addict who uses my mother for her pain medication. She helps out with mom occasionally, but that is when it is to her advantage. My brother does a lot for mom, but he lives beside her, and my other brother lives over 2,ooo miles away. I moved in with her because I am recovering from surgery and I needed a safe place to get away from my exA. I have cleaned for, run errands for, and taken my mother to various appointments. It has just taken on a new degree since I'm living in her home. The other family members are aware of her childish antics and manipulations. This is not something that just happened with her age. She has been like this as long as I can remember. It's very sad, but I blame in on the narcotics that she's taken her whole adult life.

I understand that when you are in someone else's house it has to be under their terms. This is just a different type of control and manipulation than I am used to dealing with from my A. I love my mother and I should've known that sometimes you can't go home. My mother has been wanting one of us to move in with her for a long, long time because she wants someone to take care of her. No disrespect shown here....just the truth.

I just want to salvage my relationship with my mother, but I feel like I'm dealing with a spoiled child. She is more childish that my own child ever was.

Thanks again for the advice and support!
I'll keep working on things and hopefully I'll be able to get my own place soon.

Grace

denny57

That might happen when you're living apart from her. It's very difficult to change family dynamics, especially if you're the only one changing.

Good luck, Grace.

Sunflower

find your space right where you are
I have lived with my mother for years and years
we get along well
but we have our moments
my space is my bedroom-I have everything I need in there
all the things I love
my own tv
phone
library
c/d dvd with headphones that are cordless
a huge featherbed-lots of ppillows
windchines and bird feeders outside my windows
a comphy easy chair
and a door that locks

Remember this is a safe temporary place to live
try not to talk much with her or involve her in your activities
you are not there to entertain her
but as you have said you are helping her with household projects

Take this time to be alone with yourself and learn about you.
This would be a good time to put into practice--boundries and learning people will only do to you what you allow them to!

Where does your brother get off handing you the lawn mower?
Didn't you just have surgery?
Just because you are there doesn't mean the other sibilings have zero responcibility!!!!

stay calm---you are safe--find your space--this is only temporary!!

dollydo

I take care of my parents, from an arms length away, they are both 81 and living in two different states. They become more childish by the day, that is just what happens, we humans grow and then digress. It is the normal progression of aging.

You are not there forever, so I suggest you do as Sunflower said, create your own space. Also, set your bounderies, you do not have to jump at her every wish/command.

My Best,
Dolly

atalose

sunflower makes some very good points, thank you for that reminder sunflower.
I do love my mother very much and yes there are moments it's not constant. And I do appreciate all she has done for me and my children.
I too have my safe haven in my room. I have learned to keep things short and simple with my mom when I can feel one of those moments coming on.
I also have found that when I ask my mom as a friend to come along with me to the store she often enjoys that. But I do have to stick to my boundaries something she never learned to set for herself or understands others.
I also attempted to take my mom to alanon, thought it would help her with my dads drinking. She of course only saw how she was enabling him and blamed herself for his drinking and refused to continue to go. I set a boundary of refusing to go to the store and purchase alcohol for him and she in turn tried her best to get me to do that for her. I stuck to my boundary and soon she was setting her own and refused as well. Dad can't drive as he has lost sight in one eye and the other eye has a caterac.
Do you think your brother feels that since he has lived next door to her that he himself has done plenty for her and now it's someone else's turn?

Grace

He just moved there last summer, but he has always cut her grass.
He does a lot for my mom, but so do I. My sister helps when she has something to gain from it.

I won't mind cutting the grass AT ALL. I was just hoping to get completely over this surgery and have my things moved out of the exA's home before new responsibilities were passed on. I love my brother and my mother. Things will work out. I'm just tired and overwhelmed right now.

Thanks for caring and for the insight AGAIN!
Grace

HolyQow

Would it be helpful to have a family meeting (without the mother) to discuss everyone's responsibility, to make sure that not one person is getting overwhelmed?

lanie67

Hi Grace,

I have been living in a cabin on my parent's property for four years this month. I never expected it to last this long...but when I got back here the horrible dynamic of my childhood with my dad kicked in, and I have gotten progressively more depressed. I am working part-time, and barely that. They are enabling me completely, and I don't know why I allow it. I have had pretty rotten luck with jobs since I've been here...so I identify with what the poster said above about how you 'decay inside' if you put up with it for too long. My father is sort of a rageaholic and it takes very little for him to use the f-word at me or call me the b-word. He is not like this with my other siblings, just me.

It was crazy of me to come back here but I couldn't find work in the town I was in, only part-time jobs. I am just coming clean about all this...a therapist told me once that 'you can't receive a negative message about yourself on a regular basis without it affecting you.' They mostly leave me alone, and have financially supported me (not paid my bills, but not asked me to pay rent either...I've paid a little but not much). I don't know how in the heck I ended up in this situation, behaving this way. I've gained a lot of weight and done some serious damage to my health, as well. So my story is kind of a warning of what happens if you don't keep the boundaries in place and get depressed. I am grateful people are sharing about it though, I know there is hope if I keep trying (I'm taking courses at community college to get a certification). But I have let myself slide really far, mostly because I didn't know how to deal with this dynamic with my father and my mother's denial about it (she blames me anytime we have an altercation). It's over stupid stuff, like he is terrible about building things and leaving boards with nails in the yard...I stepped on a nail and had to go get a tetanus shot and I could tell it took everything he had not to rage at me about that, even though it was his fault in the first place. Just crazy-making stuff. So I can definitely empathize, althought I don't have much to offer in the way of solutions. I just know what it is like to deal with these crazy family patterns. Hugs.

ICU

Holycow said exactly what I was thinking! Instead of everyone dumping on you, call a family meeting with a list of things that your Mom needs help with. Be prepared with what you are willing, and physically capable of doing, and what you're not capable of doing. There's no reason why everything should fall on you, and no reason why you should jump through hoops for anyone, I don't care if they're family or not.

If no one agrees to pitch in, stick to your list. If the other things don't get done, well then they won't get done. You're not Cinderella, responsible for all household duties!!!

I like what Lanie67 posted here...."a therapist told me once that 'you can't receive a negative message about yourself on a regular basis without it affecting you."

That's so true! Being the 'family doormat' in my family, I can sooo relate. The fact that my family treated me this way was half the problem. The other half was that I allowed it. The more you allow it, the more they believe it's acceptable and will continue to treat you the same way.

While my Dad is on his 'unreasonable' behavior kick, I pull away. It took me over 3 weeks to get over his last episode (I posted about this....his slamming the car door on my mother's fingers then getting mad at her, then me). I see him slowly realizing that there was a consequence to his behavior by me pulling away. I didn't do it to teach him a lesson, although that was an extra bonus. I did it to take care of me!!! That was my boundary for self care.

I hope you are able to somehow find ways of acquiring some peace while you are in that living situation. Boundaries, and enforcement of your boundaries might be tough to do initially, but working towards that is better than allowing others to dump on and take advantage of you.