Is there a fine line regarding cheating? (IHO "Newblue")
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Is there a fine line regarding cheating? (IHO "Newblue")
I was just reading newblue's post about your first true love ever dying and it made me think of a question about realtionships.
So, my question is: when is cheating really cheating?
what it is emotional cheating and when that line is crossed?
I don't mean to get into a big debate, just curious what others think....
For example:
First of all I should say I am married to my AH. As times got rougher I decided to look on myspace to find some old college friends just to see what people where doing now (I graduated a few years ago). In fact I was kind of looking for my exbf because I was just honestly curious as to what he has done with his life (he was a jerk). I didn't find my ex but I found this guy that I had a huge crush on in college. I didn't e-mail him or contact him or anything, but it was interesting to see what he was doing now. I mean, I have no intentions of contacting him... I kind of found him by accident. Is this a bad thing? would you be mad if you found out your spouse did this?
I guess I do feel kind of guilty about it, even though I had NO INTENTIONS of contacting either one of them... should I tell my AH I found him? I don't know...
My modo usually is "if I wouldn't want my AH to do it, I shouldn't be doing it!!!" But, my AH knows about all of his ex's and what they are doing- most of them still live in the same town as us!
What are your thoughts on this topic?
So, my question is: when is cheating really cheating?
what it is emotional cheating and when that line is crossed?
I don't mean to get into a big debate, just curious what others think....
For example:
First of all I should say I am married to my AH. As times got rougher I decided to look on myspace to find some old college friends just to see what people where doing now (I graduated a few years ago). In fact I was kind of looking for my exbf because I was just honestly curious as to what he has done with his life (he was a jerk). I didn't find my ex but I found this guy that I had a huge crush on in college. I didn't e-mail him or contact him or anything, but it was interesting to see what he was doing now. I mean, I have no intentions of contacting him... I kind of found him by accident. Is this a bad thing? would you be mad if you found out your spouse did this?
I guess I do feel kind of guilty about it, even though I had NO INTENTIONS of contacting either one of them... should I tell my AH I found him? I don't know...
My modo usually is "if I wouldn't want my AH to do it, I shouldn't be doing it!!!" But, my AH knows about all of his ex's and what they are doing- most of them still live in the same town as us!
What are your thoughts on this topic?
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I would not have ever been hurt terribly if either my X Alcoholic husband or my XABF had a crush on someone.. and that is as far as it went.
He physically cheated on me and that is a lie. Period.
He lied to me so he could cheat on me too.
I have NO use for cheating at all. The way it demoralized ME and the vioalted way I feel, I am not sure I will ever allow myself to love anyone on that level again.
He physically cheated on me and that is a lie. Period.
He lied to me so he could cheat on me too.
I have NO use for cheating at all. The way it demoralized ME and the vioalted way I feel, I am not sure I will ever allow myself to love anyone on that level again.
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Elana-
Sorry to hear about your situation. I fear that my AH will tell me he physically cheated when he gets home from rehab- that has always been one of my fears.
And, Like you, if he physically cheated on me, I would probably lose it and I would probably feel much like you do now. I don't know if I could stay in my marriage.. (funny how drugs I can handle, another woman, maybe not...)
I feel bad that you were hurt Elana.. : (
((((ELANA))))
Sorry to hear about your situation. I fear that my AH will tell me he physically cheated when he gets home from rehab- that has always been one of my fears.
And, Like you, if he physically cheated on me, I would probably lose it and I would probably feel much like you do now. I don't know if I could stay in my marriage.. (funny how drugs I can handle, another woman, maybe not...)
I feel bad that you were hurt Elana.. : (
((((ELANA))))
Last edited by daisylady; 04-25-2007 at 11:15 AM. Reason: I am the typo queen
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Thank you. I am fine now because I am strong.
"do unto others as you would have them do unto you" really works when talking about infidelity, whether it is your husband or a live in boy friend etc.
I would say, that for me, if I had found out he was cheating while he was living with me he would have come home to all his things packed and out on the front lawn.
Cheating is a violation and I am worth way to much to tolerate that. CWhen I found out about the lies and the cheating I felt violated.
"do unto others as you would have them do unto you" really works when talking about infidelity, whether it is your husband or a live in boy friend etc.
I would say, that for me, if I had found out he was cheating while he was living with me he would have come home to all his things packed and out on the front lawn.
Cheating is a violation and I am worth way to much to tolerate that. CWhen I found out about the lies and the cheating I felt violated.
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Daisy...JMO...
You've done nothing wrong.
Heck, thats why people go to reunions!
As far as the cheating discussion...I'm not sure where I stand on all of that. My first husband cheated on me and after the intitial shock, I tried very very hard to win him back. I had two kids and one on the way so my family depended on me sucking it up and moving on...at least thats how I was thinking at the time. Its probably good I didn't (win him back), because I went on to be much happier after we split.
I was always one to say we were through if he ever... But when it became real I stumbled.
My second husband swears to this day he never cheated...but he did spend most of his time with his single friends and gals in tow...so does it really matter whether the dirty deed was done? All I knew was that I came second to his fun life.
Ironically, he is and has been dating the gal he spent most of his "innocent" time with...go figure.
I think what throws me, and forgive me if I sound silly, but why the cheating is the deal breaker but the behavior of the addict is not?
I know from reading here that much of the fall out is very similar, having been in the cheated on role.
(((hugs)))
Cece
You've done nothing wrong.
Heck, thats why people go to reunions!
As far as the cheating discussion...I'm not sure where I stand on all of that. My first husband cheated on me and after the intitial shock, I tried very very hard to win him back. I had two kids and one on the way so my family depended on me sucking it up and moving on...at least thats how I was thinking at the time. Its probably good I didn't (win him back), because I went on to be much happier after we split.
I was always one to say we were through if he ever... But when it became real I stumbled.
My second husband swears to this day he never cheated...but he did spend most of his time with his single friends and gals in tow...so does it really matter whether the dirty deed was done? All I knew was that I came second to his fun life.
Ironically, he is and has been dating the gal he spent most of his "innocent" time with...go figure.
I think what throws me, and forgive me if I sound silly, but why the cheating is the deal breaker but the behavior of the addict is not?
I know from reading here that much of the fall out is very similar, having been in the cheated on role.
(((hugs)))
Cece
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
In my mind there is "emotional" cheating. I read a definition that said if you are sharing with another man things you SHOULD be sharing with your spouse, then that is cheating. If you go to this other person for emotional support or share your dreams & hopes, then that is emotional cheating.
Actually, my ex called me on it. I had a friend in AZ who was very close. We never became intimate or anything like that. He just was there when my 1st marriage was falling apart. And I spent more time talking to him than my husband. We shared everything with each other. And in fact, if my ex hadn't walked back into my life when he did, something might have happened between this guy & me. It's just I am much more in love with my ex than I felt towards this other man.
Anyway, when I moved to PA & my ex relapsed, I was still emaining & instant messaging the guy in AZ. And my ex had a problem with it. He told me it was cheating. And I felt he was right. As you said, "I would NOT want my ex sharing everything that went on in our relationship with some other woman." So, I felt he was right. And I ended the communication.
We also got into the Clinton Cheating.....Excuse the bluntness....to me "oral sex" is cheating. But to many men it isn't. And when I explained how I felt to my ex & explained he wasn't president, he agreed.
Of course I never experienced him "sleeping" with another woman while we were together. He even waited until I moved to AZ before he went back to an old gf.
Of course, the biggie to me was...that he was spending more time with addicts, dealers & low-class people instead of with me because of the drugs. So, in a sense, some view a "using" addict as cheating on the relationship.
Please don't worry about things with your AH that haven't happened yet. I spent so much time worrying about things he WASN'T doing...when drugs were bad enough.
Lynne
Actually, my ex called me on it. I had a friend in AZ who was very close. We never became intimate or anything like that. He just was there when my 1st marriage was falling apart. And I spent more time talking to him than my husband. We shared everything with each other. And in fact, if my ex hadn't walked back into my life when he did, something might have happened between this guy & me. It's just I am much more in love with my ex than I felt towards this other man.
Anyway, when I moved to PA & my ex relapsed, I was still emaining & instant messaging the guy in AZ. And my ex had a problem with it. He told me it was cheating. And I felt he was right. As you said, "I would NOT want my ex sharing everything that went on in our relationship with some other woman." So, I felt he was right. And I ended the communication.
We also got into the Clinton Cheating.....Excuse the bluntness....to me "oral sex" is cheating. But to many men it isn't. And when I explained how I felt to my ex & explained he wasn't president, he agreed.
Of course I never experienced him "sleeping" with another woman while we were together. He even waited until I moved to AZ before he went back to an old gf.
Of course, the biggie to me was...that he was spending more time with addicts, dealers & low-class people instead of with me because of the drugs. So, in a sense, some view a "using" addict as cheating on the relationship.
Please don't worry about things with your AH that haven't happened yet. I spent so much time worrying about things he WASN'T doing...when drugs were bad enough.
Lynne
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Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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I've been the cheatee more than the cheat-er in this life, and on all different levels. I've been the victim of:
the actual physical cheating,
the wannabe cheating where the desire was expressed but the opportunity wasn't there,
the emotional cheating where he was intimate as h*ll with people online,
the casual flirting,
the pornography.
I'm with anvil. If it's something that's in the "gray zone" between being loyal and disloyal, my husband and I have a policy of bringing it right out into the open. He will tell me, "my ex-girlfriend emailed me last night...." And I will tell him, "They put my ex-boyfriend on the phone with me last night as a joke..."
It's all out in the open, there are no dark corners, no guilt. If either of us starts feeling bad, then we have a chance to figure out how to de-fuse it by talking it through, agreeing to do something different next time, etc.
I'm curious about people from my past -- even people I couldn't stand, as well as people I cared deeply about. The internet makes it possible to poke around and find out what happened to them. As long as there's no contact, or as long as the contact is something that "you would do with your significant other standing in the same room with you" then I wouldn't waste time feeling guilty.
Love,
GiveLove
the actual physical cheating,
the wannabe cheating where the desire was expressed but the opportunity wasn't there,
the emotional cheating where he was intimate as h*ll with people online,
the casual flirting,
the pornography.
I'm with anvil. If it's something that's in the "gray zone" between being loyal and disloyal, my husband and I have a policy of bringing it right out into the open. He will tell me, "my ex-girlfriend emailed me last night...." And I will tell him, "They put my ex-boyfriend on the phone with me last night as a joke..."
It's all out in the open, there are no dark corners, no guilt. If either of us starts feeling bad, then we have a chance to figure out how to de-fuse it by talking it through, agreeing to do something different next time, etc.
I'm curious about people from my past -- even people I couldn't stand, as well as people I cared deeply about. The internet makes it possible to poke around and find out what happened to them. As long as there's no contact, or as long as the contact is something that "you would do with your significant other standing in the same room with you" then I wouldn't waste time feeling guilty.
Love,
GiveLove
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
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i think that maybe you should ask yourself how you would feel if you knew that your husband was asking this question and maybe take a deep look inside and ask yourself why would this be a questionable thing if you are only trying to contact an old friend, for old friends sake. i try to pratice, when in doubt, wait, and let the answer come to you, you'll know it when it does. keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Originally Posted by cece1960 
I think what throws me, and forgive me if I sound silly, but why the cheating is the deal breaker but the behavior of the addict is not?
Cece
Cece
If I had known about the cheati8ng the EXACT same thing would have happened. He would have gone off to spend the night with GF under the guise of doing a photo shoot and come home to every thing he owned out on the lawn.
Part of me wishes I had made discovery and this had happened. It would be the first time in his life he had to REALLY FACE the consequences of his actions.
Well, he will face them in time. I know it because I get word from the "street." He has lost his job and is slowly selling his camera equipment to live and keep a roof. By August he will be in dire straights and the street will take him.
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