A Penny For Your Thoughts, Part 5

Old 04-24-2007, 11:55 AM
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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Part 5

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wanta share your thoughts? any thought, don't matter to who about what.
just want to hear whats on your mind today.




just sharing my thoughts, just to get it out, now that feels better.

feel free to share yours about whatever, go ahead and get it out, if you want to.


JUST THOUGHT I'D BRING THIS OVER THIS TIME.

TAKE IT AWAY CINDER, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ADD THE OTHER LINKS
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Old 04-24-2007, 12:11 PM
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This could be the longest thread in the history of SR.
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Old 04-24-2007, 01:02 PM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thoughts.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-4-a.html
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Old 04-24-2007, 01:11 PM
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Magic words
I swear I just heard words I never thought I would AH went to work at his new job today. (Yes we talk, he's being evicted formally and the deal between us is we will meet in public places I ahve no business inside his home nor he mine, we both have individual issues to work out separately on our own)
I had agreed to drive him in, in the mornings only, only for a week and only if he called me and the morning to let me know he was up.
Other conditions is we do not discuss us, either one of us or the marriage I was a friend helping him out until he met the guys he worked with.
WHen I got there this morning he had water, but no lunch packed. I said nothing. (Yes had to fight codie urges to buy pnt butter and jelly makings)
He just called panicked about getting home. Apparently noone lived this way. I said, well Im at work I dont know what to tell you.
He did reach his mom and she said she'd get him only today.
He called back to let me know she was getting him.

I said but what are you gonna do tomorow.
Here's the magic words:

Ill walk if I have to, if I can walk to your house and back I can certainly walk the 20 miles home, its noone else's problem but mine and Ill handle it!!!

He went on to say he was going to go to the store get some food and pack enough food so he had energy and wasnt feeling sick.

its noone else's problem but mine and Ill handle it!!!
I never thought my ears would here those words from him.
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Old 04-24-2007, 01:34 PM
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I am standing firm. He has to request to be put on a different crew and the transfer may take a week or so, its his business not mine and its so nice to know Im going home to peace and quiet just me and the boys.

Im trying to mostly remember never volunteeer anything. Let him ask. For example it would be natural for me to bring an extra cup of coffee for when I pick him up. It was a fight not to yesterday and I wouldnt have cared, but when he asked this morning when he called to assure me he was awake and wanted to go to work he asked if Id mind bringing a cup.

I really dont have many expectations right now, instinct says he's gonna switch into functioning active mode, so Im watching from afar.
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Old 04-24-2007, 01:40 PM
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After noon ladies. Finally made it home from work and something positive happened today. A lady I work with HATES morning shifts and I HATE night shifts so we switched shifts. So I dont have to work 330-12am now I work 6:30-3pm which is much better for me. I hate getting up in the morning but who does like getting up when its still dark out. I got out of the shower this morning and scott had my lunch all packed and I was ready to go. Funny in our house we have backwards roles. He packs my lunch and he cooks most dinners! I do have to clean though but when I got home yesterday he most of the laundry done and remembered to sort it u know darks and lights! Hes such a gem! I must have been very good this weekend

Now Loves back to your question. My ex would go a long time without smoking crack then out of the blue he would be off and running. Didnt happen ofter (that I am aware of) but he struggled to stay clean and would give into the urge. Then stop again until the next bender. 10yrs later I have heard and seen him and he is still at it. Infact this time around is really bad. I wonder if crack is like alcoholics. I once heard that if an alcoholic stops drinking and then years later starts again he starts right back up to where he would have been if they never stopped. Worse than they were b4. I wonder if its like that with crack addicts almost like they have to make up for lost time so they hit the pipe hard and alot! My ex is just so sick looking and skinny and its sad to watch. He used to be able to turn down the cravings but now it seems that crack has taken over so relapse is VERY possible even years later. I hope that he can stay clean but I think a program would help with that.

Well I gotta go out with my other sister tomorrow for a blind date with someone she met on myspace at least we are meeting in a very public place and I am going with her. I hope all goes good. Well I gotta go finish the laundry I'll be back!
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Old 04-24-2007, 01:45 PM
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Cinder just a ? 4 u so he managed to find himself a phone too? I'm proud of u for standing your ground and maintaining some serenity it your life finally. Maybe he needed to see this and know that u have had enough and u wont put up with it anymore. Good for u.
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Old 04-24-2007, 01:56 PM
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I once heard that if an alcoholic stops drinking and then years later starts again he starts right back up to where he would have been if they never stopped. Worse than they were b4. I wonder if its like that with crack addicts almost like they have to make up for lost time so they hit the pipe hard and alot
I think it is the same. From what Ive heard anyway and saw from when AH was working a program, not only with him but with many of the others
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Old 04-24-2007, 02:00 PM
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KJ, Yeah he managed to get his prepaid turned on. Somehow they got a little bit of money, not really sure
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Old 04-24-2007, 02:19 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
KOFFEE KLATCH!


....loves, you know that kinda creeped out feeling, that terror of waking up tomorrow and finding out that today was only a dream, and you BACK there again? it's taken me the past 4 years to really see just how f*cked up in the head i was then, how absolutely miserable i was.....i wasn't even in touch with ME at all...had you known me then, you would have only known the part of me that i projected....i had myself all cut up into little pieces, i played different ROLES....i was never just ME.....i spent so much time gritting my teeth i thougth for sure my jaw would just lock shut.

but i needed to go through that to get to today.....i had to get lost in order to be found. or something like that....
I know that feeling very well.......all too well and still very fresh. Funny.....my exabf seems to remember us fondly too. I wish I could. There are bits and pieces, but nothing solid.......not enough to make me want to re-live it.......and the thought that if I ever would keeps me straight. If noah and I stay together till one of us leaves this earth, or break up tommorrow.......I can't re-live what I went through in the past. That life was broken......I was broken.....heck.....I'm not completely put back together yet.........but I'm working on it day by day.
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Old 04-24-2007, 02:30 PM
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Working on it day by day I like that. Well one piece at a time u will be put back together. Its weird how in certain relationships I can only remember the good times. Maybe the bad times were so bad that my memory blocked them out. Then there are other relationships that I can only remember the bad. Seems with my worst bf's I remember good times and with the best of the bf's I remember bad times hell sometimes I forget the relationships all together and my shortest one was 1.5yrs. Weird how the memory and the mind works. My relationship I am in now hasnt been perfect but we are really willing to work on it and put the time and effort into it to make sure it works. We are total opposites who were raised completly different yet it works. Its nice really nice. I guess I had to go through the bad and kiss a few toads to get my prince. I think some of my past relationships help me become who I am today. My ex crack head boyfriend was so jealous I couldnt do anything without a huge fight. Now I dont tolerate jealousy. I wonder if I never put up with what I went through with him what would I tolerate in a relationship. I taught me alot and I taught myself alot. I set up mental boundries for myself that I have carried with me since the relationship I use them in my current relationship and in other areas. I learned that I cant be controled and I am the only one who runs my life not my fiance. I guess I will take the bad that I lived through to take the good I have today.

Cooking out for dinner on the grill tonight sausage then walking into town and getting an ice cream for desert. We will hold hands and laugh and enjoy each other and enjoy our evening together. Nice really nice. I am glad of where I am today. U know this past weekend it was also nice being clean. I left the hotel without checking my pockets to make sure I had some pills in them and I was still able to have fun and enjoy myself. Neat huh!
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Old 04-24-2007, 02:42 PM
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I used to think fondly of my bad relationships after they were over. I think it's that whole "bad boy" syndrome.........I had this thing........for the bad boys. That's where the putting me back together comes in to. Gotta get used to the "nice" guys.........cuz they are out there.......it just takes some getting used to when all you've ever seen is chaos. I hated the chaos too and always wished for some form of normalcy........lol......go figure. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm waiting till my butter softens.........I'm making chocolate chip cookies then a shrimp and sausage gumbo..........both out of the bags no less.
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Old 04-24-2007, 02:57 PM
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That sounds yummy! I am starving...... Where is my dinner cooker? Doesnt he know he has a starving fiance at home lol. Guess hes not that codie is he? Anyone got any plans for the evening? Seems to have quieted down a bit here. Teke where have u been lately I miss u? Alright guess I will have to fend for myself and get the grill going! Wish me luck lol.
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Old 04-24-2007, 03:05 PM
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Ya know..........I'm better on the grill than I am in the kitchen.........lmao........In so many ways......I should have been born a man..........
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Old 04-24-2007, 03:15 PM
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3 dozen cookies my butt.........not the way I make them. The boys will be lucky if they get a dozen.......and that's after I eat the first 12. I gotta make sure they are good enough ya know.
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Old 04-24-2007, 03:51 PM
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I know I had about 10pgs to read when I got home too. Getting ready to walk up into town and get my ice cream the put on the comfy flannels and rest! Sounds so nice!
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Old 04-24-2007, 03:57 PM
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I'd love to be able to walk up into town.
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Old 04-24-2007, 04:57 PM
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Hope everyones dinners are going well. We had french toast and I went by the bread store and got entimens powdered donughnuts a whole bag for a quarter.

Thought about making blue berry muffins, still thinking... but after taking my vaccuum apart for a clog Im tired. Gonna shower and get my comfy flannels pants and a tank top on.

I have always suffered from the bad boy syndrome myself, and block my whole first marriage from memory. There was no chaos until I found out what a creep he was. I was boring but I wanted the house yard and kids thing so it sorta fit what I wanted and we were couch potatos together, before kids we went out and danced, actually met at bar. Truth be told you really dont meet good guys at a bar, he haad a sick hidden life.

I think in general good nice guys are boring because we are so used to the chaos. Ive dated some truly perfect nice guys I found them clingy and ran for the hills. All in all I still ahve to say if, and it s a big if, AH can get past his drug problems and we both can learn some anger self control he's still the love of my life, we lay in bed and laugh, we can sit in an empty house with no tv and still have money. But we both have so many issues that time may never come and for the first time ever I accept that
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Old 04-24-2007, 05:04 PM
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Whats with little boys and bathtime. Youd think I was killing these guys the way they scream when I make them wash tehir hair. Had to climb in with my five year old yo get him clean. He's still whining
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Old 04-24-2007, 05:54 PM
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Well tonight I have heard my 5 favorite words "your right honey I'm wrong" music to my ears. He has finally learned and he wasnt an easy student either. Well alot going on as usual. My sister in jail is made at the world cause it didnt stop while shes in jail. I am just so mad at her I have to take a break. Her bf who has stepped up and offered to take care of HER kids while shes in jail who by the way was moving out and also has his own place was mad cause he wasnt home tonight when she called. Told the girls to rip up his b-day card and that he should be there at her house packing it up cause thats more important. See while she is in jail she came up with a brilliant plan to sell her house and move in with our dad take the kids out of the only school and friends they know and move them so she doesnt have to take responsibilty for that house since she lost her job. While she is in jail its everyones job to get it packed up and on the market so its sold when she gets out!!!! Since he wasnt there packing her crap she took it out on the kids. I cant stand her right now. I mean if she didnt get drunk and drive all the time she wouldnt be in jail!

Then I get a letter from her that dads house is walking distance to the bar and a few girls she met in jail are all walking distance to the bars so she doesnt have to worry about driving. Cause u see drinking isnt her problem her problem is that she used bad judgement by driving but NOTHING to do with drinking. So she cant wait to get out so she can WALK to the bars! WTF is wrong with this person. She has destroyed her family. Wants to sell her house and move home. (why is beyond me only to start all over) Pack her kids and take them away from the only thing they know so she will be WALKING distance to the bars. WOW thank God drinking isnt a problem for her. I cant even write her back cause I know I wont be that nice. Keep in mind she is moving in with our recovered alcoholic father. I am sure that will sit really nice with him when shes like watch the kids I'm going to the bar cause I dont have a drinking problem. I dont think jail is what she needed obvioulsy its everyone elses fault shes in jail I think intensive counseling to find out why she feels that she needs to drink even though all the bad consequences its caused her and that she DOES have a problem. I dont know just rambling. She expects her perfect little delerious dream world in la la land to go on while she sits in jail and everyone does everything for her. I got 3 kids who need me wait who need and miss their mother and my world has been turned upside down and she thinks nothing of it like I owed this to her. I gotta take a break from the jail drama and my sick twisted sisters thinking. Am I right on being upset and what should I say to her that might click. I know NOTHING cause until she sees that alcohol which impaires judgement is her problem then theres nothing i can say. U would think this would be her bottom guess she has alot further to fall. I'll be damned if I or her kids go with her though. I am thinking about legally getting custody right now I have guardianship temporarily but I want them to have stability and love. U know my sister has never told her own kids she loves them. She feels she doesnt have to say it she shows it! Wacked!
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