Married to Functional Alcoholic

Old 04-23-2007, 07:41 PM
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Married to Functional Alcoholic

Hi...I'm new here and have a question regarding my husband. We've been married for 12 years and known each other for 18 years. I do not drink but my husband does. He seems to be a functional alcoholic. He drink every day and can never stop at one drink. He doesn't drink during the day unless he's out to lunch with colleagues. However, I have visited his office and found a bottle of bourdon nearly empty in his desk drawer. His work is not affected by his drinking, and I've never seen him stumble or stagger or fall. But his eyes get that "glazed" look, and lately he's been getting very forgetful. When he's drinking, he'll forgot what he says and loses his cell phone. Tonight he came home and had the glazed look in his eyes. He gets easily agitated when he's in this state, and I've had to call the police out of fear on a couple of occasions. Tonight, he lost his wallet and credit card and is now driving around searching for them. He doesn't think he has a problem, and refuses to get help. I'm not interested in being an enabler. Any advice would be deeply appreciated....
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Old 04-23-2007, 07:49 PM
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hi, lola, welcome

do you have kids? has he been abusive to you?

do a lot of reading here. there have been others in your situation. i can't give you any advice but i would recommend not helping him find his wallet, not helping him out with projects at work, not making excuses, etc. make boundaries with him, tell him what they are, and decide what you're going to do if he breaks them.
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Old 04-23-2007, 07:57 PM
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Hello....We do not have any children together but have grown children of our own who do not live with us...This problem affects only me. Thanks for the suggestion. I do not help him at all when he's lost things while he's in that state. I've gotten angry at him not knowing that he'd been drinking. What he'll do is put his face just inches from my face and try to intimidate me by violating my body space. I've then grabbed the phone to call the police, and he hurled the phone and threw my car keys so that I couldn't leave. However, this threatening behavior has ceased to happen since I summoned the police. Now he knows it's not an idle threat and that I mean business. Thanks for responding.
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Old 04-23-2007, 07:59 PM
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InThisForMe...Oh, and thanks for the welcome! It was a little scary coming here as I've never done this before...but glad I found the site! lola
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Old 04-23-2007, 07:59 PM
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Hi Lola, welcome.
Yikes, I can recall the memory of the glazed look and it still gives me chills. It was scary because sometimes the man behind it was jovial (albeit annoying) and sometimes he was mean and cruel.
My best advice is read and learn. I found the cold, hard facts to be the most helpful. Welcome to our world.
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:01 PM
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After I posted, I read your reply. My XAH did that to me too! He would trap me in a corner, violating my space, or hold me down against my will. He didn't actually hurt me, but the fact that he would control me in that manner was infuriating and degrading. I justified it because I wasn't afraid to stand up for myself and scream and try to wriggle free. He would also yell try to make me back down. Looking back.....probably not acceptable on any level. Take care of you.
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:01 PM
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Hi TexasGirl....Thanks so much for the kind welcome. I've tried to help him as best I can. But he's obviously in denial. He's a high-achieving guy who graduated from some of the best schools in the country, including West Point, where discipline rules. So I'm sure the idea of being "out of control" is very scary to him, though he'd never admit to being scared of anything. I've got a lot of reading to do...Thanks again! lola
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:03 PM
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Hi Lola, Wanted to say Welcome!

It sounds like you are off to a good start by knowing about and not wanting to enable. Read and learn and talk. It helps so much coming here and sharing.

Good to meet you!
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:07 PM
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Hi again TexasGirl....Your XAH sounds just like my guy. He can be very ominous and threatening, and I'm the type that refuses to be intimidated. He weighs 230 and I'm 120 lbs and petite. But I have zero tolerance for physical abuse as I grew up with an abusive stepfather. Calling the police that time did the trick. Tonight, I immediately recognized that glazed look and backed off. I know by arguing with him that things escalate since his inhibiitions are lowered due to the alcohol. I've also called his parents and he immediately backs off and comes to his senses. A woman's got to do what a woman's got to do to protect herself. It's actually quite sad as he's a nice guy when he's not drinking. No one would believe me if I told them about his jeckyl and hyde act.....lola
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:09 PM
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Hi Cheryl...Great to meet you too! And thank for the feedback. I feel better already. Well, he's still driving around and I'm getting concerned. It's ridiculous that he thinks it's alright to drink and drive. I wish that he'd get stopped by the police .... anything that will help him see that he has a problem. lola
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:10 PM
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You sound so great. It has taken me years and years to be able to say what you just said!

Good job!
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:11 PM
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Hi again...Could someone point me to some good articles on this site? And am I correct in using the term "functional alcoholic"? Thanks, lola
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:15 PM
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i think you have a right to be concerned but try not to worry about it too much, as silly as that might sound right now. you worrying about it isn't going to make it better, it only ties your stomach in knots.

if you knew the general area of where he was, you could anonymously call 911 and report suspicious drunk driving.. that way you wouldn't risk the chance of him hurting himself or someone else on the road.

and don't be nervous about posting here - we've all been in your shoes!
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:16 PM
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if he can carry on with his work and not make it appear to anyone else as if he has a problem... i would say he is a functional alcoholic.
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:18 PM
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Thanks so much, Cheryl! Well, my progress in this issue has evolved over many years, too. We've been married for 12 years, but I didn't really start recognizing that he indeed had a problem until maybe two years ago. Not being a drinker myself and seeing the signs was probably a factor. And I assumed that one had to be falling down drunk and slurring one's words to be an alcoholic. Then I started noticing that, when I would mention something that he said the night before, or a TV program that we had watched together, he wouldn't recall it all all. And then I started putting 2 and 2 together. And now I'm really vigilant and on the case. But I realize that you can't change someone - until he recognizes that he has a problem, he'll never be able to address it. I pray that he does soon....I don't want to see him spiral downward. lola
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:21 PM
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InThisForMe: Thanks for the reminder not to worry...which serves no purpose and is a useless activity. Great idea about the anonymous call to 911. I'd be devastated if anyone were to be hurt by his reckless decision to drive....
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:29 PM
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Well, I just got a hold of my husband by calling his cell. He's at a chinese food joint acting like nothing's wrong. He probably had a drink at the bar while waiting for his food. And he acted like I'm the crazy one and that this is normal.. I'll be sleeping in the guest bedroom tonight. lola
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Old 04-23-2007, 08:33 PM
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Welcome, lola99, glad you're here

AH was also highly functional for the first 15 years we were together. The last 2 were a quick spiral down and it started in a way very similar to what you are describing. We are divorcing and he is now facing very serious medical problems.

What works for me is Al-Anon, individual therapy, doctor visits and open AA meetings. I also manage to have lots of fun!

Hope you'll stick around and keep posting.

((()))
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Old 04-23-2007, 09:27 PM
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Welcome

My Ahusband was a highly functional alcoholic for about 25 years. Over the last 10 years, he started drinking at work (this is a bad sign) ... and making sure I didn't find out about it except for strange rambling phone conversations at different times that he would have an assortment of excuses for - he was tired, stressed ...etc. He frequently had glazed eyes as well. He then actually stopped drinking for 2 years and joined AA about seven years ago and returned to peak form as a highly productive and energetic person. However when he relapsed, he fell hard .. he did his best to keep his secret from me .. but all the signs returned except he was much more hostile and angrier than he had ever been in his life and within a few months he started developing health problems. He was in denial .. and kept trying to convince me he wasn't drinking .. but the truth was later revealed. As the months passed by, his health grew worse and he missed his first day of work in 22 years of owning a business. He blamed all his problems on everything else but his drinking .. within a year his vision began to fail and he was told by his doctor he had to stop drinking to recover his vision... but he couldn't stop. During this time his memory lapses became severe ... at times he couldn't remember large periods of time on a frequent basis. It was scary to witness someone I had known my entire adult life that had an incredible memory in the years before ... eventually decline so much he couldn't remember what day of the week it was. He entire body grew weaker and he eventually developed significant liver disease .... and he lost his life to alcoholism just a few months ago. This severe downward spiral took place in about 3 years ... after almost 30 years of drinking ..most of which he was very functional.

I gained a wealth of information from this website and from doing internet searches on alcohol related health problems. Make sure you do searches on memory loss and alcohol ... it can be a dangerous progressive condition if the alcoholic cannot stop drinking. When my husband's health began to fail ... the toxic long term effects of alcohol destroyed his body and mind within a short period of time. Personality changes such a agitation can also be part of this stage.

The best thing you can do is read and research as much as you can so you understand what you are dealing with ... and you come to a good place to start. Go back and read the many wonderful posts especially at the top of the page. There may not be much you can do to alter his progression other than to encourage him to seek help ... and prepare and protect yourself for what the future may hold.
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Old 04-24-2007, 04:18 AM
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My husband was also a functional alcoholic for many years. In the past year or so, that has all changed. He finally was fired from a very lucrative sales job and has gone down hill very, very fast. It is absolutely chilling for me to even think about all that has happened since he lost his job at the end of February - and that was less than 2 months ago! Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The consequences are just terrifying, and sad. It's just sad to watch someone spiral out of control who will not take the steps necessary to recover and regain control of their life.

Welcome to SR! This site is great. Keep posting!
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