ME- relapsing

Old 04-23-2007, 03:46 PM
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ME- relapsing

I wrote earlier about how "recovering" abf needed to get his paycheck today to pay for public transportation pass for the rest of the week as his job location is changing. He was getting a ride from a friend whom he insists doesn't use but I know she's some how related as all his "old friends" use drugs.

Now that he has gone to get his check he says his cell phone died. When I came back to my apartment I saw that he had been here to drop stuff off- even had time to eat something, but did not have time to charge his phone? He texted me early and said it was dying.

Now I am sitting here. A nervous wreck. I do not want to come back to this place. I think I am scared of the truth because I do love him, but cannot take any more of this. Even if I am just being paranoid.
I am wailing and constantly calling the phone that is so obviously off.

Really need some support at the moment.
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Old 04-23-2007, 03:52 PM
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Heather take a breath and try and calm down. The fact is he is going to show up whether in an hour or a day. You can not change his actions...you can not make him be a the person you want to be in love with, instead your left with "what addicts do". The behavior, that you are doing that you describe we have all done at one time or another and for what its worth, it does not have to be that way, there is life out there. Try not to call the phone and maybe go out and get some air. Remember he will come back the question for me was always the same, "Do I really want her back?" Things will get better so hang in there.
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Old 04-23-2007, 03:55 PM
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Well, one thing is for sure, you can't control whether he uses or not. You can only control you. When he comes home, if you are pretty sure he is using (You will know it is he is) than you have two choices: stay and suffer with him, or leave and find yourself. IF he is NOT using, than you should re-examine your reasoning as to what lead you to believe he was using.
You know that old cheesy poem "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, than it's yours. If it doesn't it never was yours to begin with"
Well, insert the word "clean" after the word "you", and there you go.
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Old 04-23-2007, 04:04 PM
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stay strong--stop crying-I am so sorry for your pain. It seems like you keep thinking he is going to get straight-then he doesn't he lets you down.You have to make a choice--no one should have to live the melodramatic lifestyle you are in....Stop calling him--he knows exactly what he is doing OR you never know you might be wrong???It is always such a game such a puzzle--you need to detach from this and not worry about him--he will do what he wants==good or bad,,,,,
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Old 04-23-2007, 04:21 PM
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You keep posting over and over again about the same issue, him...what about you, who are you, where do you want to be tomorrow...in a better place or the same place?

His cell phone died because he wanted it to, he is playing you, and as usual you are obsessing. What is the purpose of calling and calling again?

I am sorry that you are not ready to take the steps to become healthy, and if you want to live the rest of your life that way, I support your decision.
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Old 04-23-2007, 07:29 PM
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i'm sorry that you are hurting, time for you to take the focus off him, he's gonna do what he's gonna do and there is nothing that you can do or say to stop him. maybe you can find something that you like to do, a project or something that will keep your mind occupied so that you can stop the obsessive thoughts.

when it got to where i couldn't take the not knowing and i couldn't find a way to stop the obsessive thoughts, it was time for me to seperate myself physically. my own thoughts whether true or false, were making me crazy. there is nothing you can do outside of take care of you. all the unanswered phone calls are only hurting you more, so try not to call if you can.

what helped me is for me to write it down, write all the things that you want to say to him if he had answered. have you gone to any meetings yet? try to detach some emotionally, it helps
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Old 04-24-2007, 04:16 AM
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good morning...

I'm guessing your doubts were either confirmed or not by now

in either case, you need to start thinking about yourself and what you can or cannot do...

my RAS is still "away" but I know that his recovery could still cause anxiety in me...
wondering and anticipating etc...
I know I will need to address those issues (altho he will never live with me again, I fear I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop!)

I hope things worked out better than you feared
take care of you...

someone in alanon told me to formulate and visualize a plan B...
then pray that you never use it but know that you have a plan if needed....

for me, that helps the "what will I do if...." moments
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Old 04-24-2007, 04:18 AM
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No I do not want my life to look like this - I know I have alot more going for me than what I will be guarenteed by addiction, but where I am at this very moment is a difficult place- I am struggling with being sucked back into the insanity of addiction and regaining my individual strength and direction.

Pointing out the things I'm not doing or continue to do wrong only serves to make me impatient about my recovery and distrust the place that I'm at.
I've found great solace from SR.

And last night after he did arrive home- a pretty ugly scene played out. Yes, I did give into the insanity and did not have my feet planted firmly on the recovery road. But indulging in self-loathing and berating myself will not change the course of events or undo any poor choices I made.
I am learning and for the majority of my life- others and myself have told me that it's not okay to make mistakes that everything should be done right first and perfectly.
I do not expect recovery to be clean, nor do I expect myself to be strong all the time. I know it's unrealistic to believe I am going to "get it" all at once. I continue to be told that it is baby steps and that I should not be impatient with where I am at in learning new reactions to old problems.
But I AM changing- even if it is minute cognitively alterations- they are still there, they still occur. I do not want to feel afraid to come to the board and express my honest feelings of weakness and struggle.
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Old 04-24-2007, 04:48 AM
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I so understand how hard it is to stop the anxiety that builds every time.

What helped me was to make a plan for "next time". Planning well now will give you an alternative to the feeling of insanity while you wait.

Next time, perhaps have a plan to go for a walk, find a meeting and go, go to the library and find some terrific books that will take your mind someplace safer, or work out at home or at a gym to relieve the stress and tension....anything that will be good for you and will take your focus back to you.

Make a commitment to yourself to do this, and then when it's done take a good look at how you feel compared to how you feel when you just sit around worrying.

Your recovery, like mine, is about progress not perfection. Baby steps, just doing one thing differently than today are how we begin a better journey one step and one day at a time.

Think about this, make a plan and please let us know how it works out for you, okay?

Hugs
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Old 04-24-2007, 04:49 AM
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Just try to keep the focus on yourself.
Knowing and learning is part of the process. Deciding what is good for you and what is not and then choosing to follow a path (be it good for you or not) are all phases of recovery.

You always have choices and they are yours, and yours alone.
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Old 04-24-2007, 05:00 AM
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Thanks for all the suggestions.
I think I will sit down and actually write an extremely detailed step-by-step procedure for me to engage in the next time I am spinning off into the codep crazies and grasping at that which I cannot control no matter how much power I put into it.

I do think I am very apt to be blown about by all the chaos that I forget I have a choice in the matter- that I can do what is best for me. I listen to my needs one minute- than discount them for a week- in that week I regress tremendously and am then surprised when I am back in the same place of panic I thought I had moved away from.
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Old 04-24-2007, 05:21 AM
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I think we have all been where you are. I don't live with active addiction anymore....I am so sorry you are in pain, it isn't fair, but you have 2 choices. Continue the same path or change it. You have the power, I am not saying to leave and I don't think anyone else is either, but by putting the focus on you, the control of you goes back to you. Walk to the mirror, look into your eyes and repeat...I am beautiful, I deserve the best....I do that, and I tell people the same thing. My gf and I were riding yesterday and I told her "we may be mature women, but WE ARE HOT...." She is like yeah, yeah, yeah...I tell her to turn to the left. A man in a car is drooling over us[ok maybe not drooling], but grinning ear to ear at the hotties on bikes....If you believe in you...
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Old 04-24-2007, 06:58 AM
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For me, it just took a while... it just does. I "got it" - the part about not being able to control the addiction. Intellectually, I understood it... emotionally? Not so much.

It took applying that knowledge in real life... "acting as if" in order for my body, mind and heart to all get into alignment.

How about adding to your list places you can go to be distracted if this happens again?

If during the day - movie, friends, book shopping, clothes shopping, volunteering down at the animal shelter, calling around insurance companies to find the best insurance deals (grin... yep, ANYTHING to keep your mind busy). And Alanon/Naranon/CODA meetings.... lots of them.

Call a friend... one you haven't talked to in ages. Get caught up, ask her about her life.

Write! Write out all your fears, desires, disappointments, heartaches.... then burn the paper with a prayer that God please take over handling the management of these things.

Having a plan is half the battle.

(((hugs))))
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Old 04-24-2007, 07:22 AM
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Write until your hand is ready to fall off.

Works for me. Worked for me. Will work for me in the future.


Fact is my hand did fall off.. that is why I have so many typos here.....
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Old 04-24-2007, 07:38 AM
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Elana, way to go with that stump

HK, keep trying. I know it's hard. I like Ann's suggestion to consider writing down a next-time plan.

Like I wrote in my last post yesterday, we can only keep trying, and try to make small advances. Is there one small thing you can do today to help you regain your self-respect? Even if it's just "I will only allow myself to try to call him once every three hours."

Good luck with this. I think you've mentioned you have a therapist -- if you have a way to make an appointment NOW, I think you're at a crucial place in your recovery, possibly heading into some dark and murky waters, and I think that would be pretty darned helpful.

Take care
GL
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Old 04-24-2007, 03:35 PM
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anyone who thinks they have ''arrived'' hasn't---this is so true--nothing about this addiction process is perfect--if it was we wouldn't need SR and to keep posting.
You do the best you can with what you have-sometimes you are strong and other times spiraling out of control--I know I do.
You came here for support--and that is not a black/white answer-only you know what your situation is..
I think that you came here to posts when you were so upset is a positive thing-very honest and brave of you.
Stay strong-with ever step you will get stronger...
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Old 04-24-2007, 05:39 PM
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hugs to you!1
i know how much it hurts,,,
tryto stay positive for urself,, love urself. dont loose ur preciouss soul!!
ur so speciall hkangel!!
andhugs to you
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