a question about my mother

Old 04-23-2007, 10:32 AM
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a question about my mother

My mother lives across the country from me. She was actively drinking for about 25 years, and got sober in '04.
The problem is, she still has a lot of the same behaviors she had when drinking, and honestly, I am not convinced she is sober anymore.
She has plans to fly out and visit me and the kids in the next couple of months, but if she is still drinking, I don't want to see her.
I have been in the process of setting boundaries with my A husband. I just told him no more drinking around me, or at home, and no coming home under the influence. I want to set the same boundaries with her, but it is tricky, because she is/was a sneaky drinker, and very closed-off. I would never dare mention her drinking for fear of her wrath.
I see that I have a few options: 1) Ask her if she is drinking, and possibly get in a horrible confrontation. Plus she may not even tell the truth. 2) Ask someone she knows who recently went out to visit her, and who I know would tell me the truth 3) Or... not bother with whether or not she is drinking, and just set boundaries based on her behavior, which is atrocious at times.
What do you all think?
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Old 04-23-2007, 01:56 PM
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I am sorry that you are having these issues with your mother. I can't really relate. My mother isin't the alcoholic and my relationship with my AH/NPD father is pretty much non-existant. I do live at home but he is rarley here and we don't talk when he is here (other then the occasional fight where I either 1. ignore his baiting or 2. once in a blue moon get so angrey that ignoring it isin't an option and a huge fight occurs.). He is also not in recovery. I am not quite sure what advise to give about maintaining a relationship with an AH parent especially an AH mother. All I can offer is support and a suggestion that you stick to the boundries that you set. It is hard to remember that those boundries are in your best intrest when dealing with guilt trips and emotional manipulation from an AH/Co-dependant parent. All I can say is be true to YOUR desires, remember WHY you set those boundries, and STICK WITH THEM no matter what. Good luck,.
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Old 04-23-2007, 02:09 PM
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I think I would talk to your mother in the context of your husband. Tell her you have new house rules that *everyone* living or staying in the house must follow, and you need her agreement that she, too, will follow those rules.

This way it doesn't sound like a personal attack on her drinking/not drinking/hiding her drinking, while simultaneously letting her know that you have these boundaries that apply to *everyone*. (I'm assuming that you do apply those boundaries to all the people who come to visit you).

Seems easier to tell her that the boundaries were put in place due to your husband than to tell her it applies only to her (thus possibly triggering a defensive reaction).

As long as you make sure your boundaries (and the consequences of crossing those boundaries) are clearly delineated, it really doesn't matter so much how you get them across.
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Old 04-23-2007, 05:44 PM
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Thank you Mlynn and GingerM. Well, I talked to her friend who was there visiting a couple weeks ago, and she IS drinking again. In fact, when he got to the airport, she told him over the phone that she had had too many, and couldn't pick him up.
I know I need to confront her, and lay down the law, but I hate having to do it, because she can get incredibly mean and nasty when she is "cornered."
I don't want to tell her about my boundaries with my husband, because she has always hated him, and I'm not giving her any more ammo. I pretty much keep my personal business with my friends and husband to myself. She would not be staying with us anyway, she always gets a hotel when she is in town.
I don't want to get her friend in trouble by letting her know he told me about the drinking, I think I will just plain out ask her, and tell her her behavior has made me suspicious, which it has.
What I need to decide is, do I even see her, or tell her that I refuse to see her until she gets herself back into treatment?
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Old 04-23-2007, 07:21 PM
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Is there a way, since she will be staying elsewhere, to see her in very limited doses?

I am not sure about confrontation, per se- is it really necessary? Could the boundaries be stated in a more general way? I think the suggestion to state them as a blanket "Everyone" statement might be less confrontational and perhaps if she feels less singled out, she would actually go along a little more?

(I also live several states away from my mom for much the same reasons. You have definitely got my sympathy/empathy on this.)

I'll be thinking of you and your kids.
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Old 04-23-2007, 07:37 PM
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None of the addicts/alcholics ever gave me permission to set a boundary around myself... not ever. They complained and railed.... and when sober, thanked me sometimes later.

Do what you need to do and let her do what SHE needs to do. So sad, her loss, I think.

((hugs))
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Old 04-24-2007, 10:27 AM
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andshewas: Yes, when she visits, we generally do see her in limited doses. That's about all I can handle.
I'm not sure about telling her that the boundary applies to everyone would work. It wouldn't be true. I have only started to apply it to the alcoholics in my life. I just set boundaries about drinking/being intoxicated around me and the kids with my husband. I have several friends and relatives who are not alcoholics, but drink socially, and I have no problem with them drinking around me.
You have a good point, BigSis. None of the A's in my life are going to "give me permission" to set my boundaries with them, and I think on some level, I have been seeking that permission anyway. I have a hard time sticking up for myself, especially with my mother. She is a master at guilt and manipulation, and since she is my mother, she knows how to push my buttons.
And yes, it is definitely her loss. If she wants to drink, and not get help for her mental health problems, she will not get to see her grandchildren anymore. I have cut her out of my life before, and sadly, I think I may have to do it again.
I am going to counseling this afternoon, and I think I will talk to my counselor about this. She has been really good at helping me with boundary issues in the past, maybe together we can work out a plan.
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Old 04-24-2007, 11:59 AM
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I'm sorry crayzee..
I wouldn't know what to do if my A-father was to tried to force
his way in...He's still a drunk. I keep my distance.
I trun the other cheek..bascially my arss and walk the other way.

My gf is clean and sober and working her program.
So that makes a huge differents.
I don't think I can ever put myself through the chaos again,
if she relapsed...
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