wayconfused

I need some healthy advise please. I have posted here a few times and everytime I get some feed back that makes me stronger and right now I really need it.
As some of you know I asked advise on going to Nascar or not. Well I went and left a day early due to a death in the family. Anyway, he did use and get get drunk. And of course called me a million times. Our kids a million times. My AH goes through spree's on minute he is crying saying how much he loves me and the kids and then next he cussing about selling everything. Its just crazy.. I do say I have been staying gone alot... But , That is my home and I haven't been able to move. For alot of different reasons. ( money, finding a place,etc.)
Here is where I need the most help. I went friday to move my sister back home from Louisana ( her husband is the one who passed away). I stayed the night at my brothers house and we got up early and went and moved her. Anyway, I get a call and find out he is using meth. And drinking. my oldest daughter called and said he was being mean, and that I didnt need to come home that night (sat.).
well, I didnt. I waited until sunday. when I got home he had my stuff throwed every where. and I could tell he was "wired up" and I got the one minute to the next thing.
anyway, he has made me feel really guilty.... I mean some of the things he says makes me feel real bad... Today he has called me at work talking about rehab.. and when I went for lunch he wasnt home. So I dont know what is happening. Part of me dont care any more. and the other part is going crazyyy..
I know no one can tell me what is right.. But, I really need help. I feel like I am the cause of it all. In his defense I have not been perfect. I know I need to leave but, its very hard. I have lived there for over 10 years now. And walking away from a house I have worked very hard to pay for makes me scared and sad..
Sorry this is so long. I am just confused.

Violet Brown

Well, seeing as how I'm also scared and sad I don't know if my words will help you, but...

First of all, you aren't the cause of it all. Repeat that over and over again to yourself. Unless you've physically put the drugs in his mouth or poured booze down his throat repeatedly you cannot be the cause of his addictions. It was his choice to start using. It was his choice to keep using. It's been his choice not to begin recovery.

Also, nobody is perfect. Do you think he uses because you aren't perfect? It sounds to me like he's got you blaming yourself for the things he does - a classic tactic used by emotional abusers.

As for the other things you've said - the ups and downs, the nasty things he's said, the talk about rehab etc etc - all sounds like a typical addict to me. So I guess I'm saying to you - WELCOME TO THE CLUB! You aren't alone in dealing with these things, and you've come to the right place to vent. Sorry I can't help you out more, but I'm feeling just as mixed up today.

Jewelz

wayconfused, This is not your fault!!! Do not take the blame of his using.. he made the choice to drink, and use Meth. I am not to familiar with Meth because my abf uses crack but I heard that Meth is much worse then crack.. so please be careful. Your husband is not in his right mind right now. Please read up on Meth and I am sure others who have loved ones using will share more about the drug.

As for you why dont you read the book called Codependent No more by Melody Beattie... its a must read for us.

I know its hard for you to leave.. can you make him go?? If you cant your sanity is worth more than your home.

Hugs,
jewel

parentrecovers

anvil is right, it's active addiction. all you can do is keep yourself safe. blessings, k

wayconfused

well since posted this a little bit ago. I got a call from AH saying he wreaked his truck.. said not bad he hit a tree. And that I dont need t omake any choices that we will regret. But ,the truth is I really dont think I will regret them. I know it will hurt. But can it hurt any worse then it does seeing him kill hiself with drugs.
Thanks for the adivse it really does help me keep my head up..

teke

i agree with anvil, none of this is your fault, he's only acting out like addicts do, its a common behavior. they to ignore the blame that he's trying to put on you, its not yours to own. nothing you can do or say can make him use or not use. time to focus on you, its not all about him now, its all about you and how you plan on living your life with or without you. keeping you and your is in my prayers

hope213

you did not CAUSE it,you can not CONTROL it, & you can not CURE it.those are the 3c's. if u are really sure you want out make some plans & goals for yourself. do not take the blame for any of his using.he has chioces. your sister needed to come first & i am sorry for her loss & yours too.learn to take care of yourself through recovery ,that is important it you decided to stay or leave.keep coming back.there is alot of info here.

greeteachday

I'm so sorry you are going through all this pain. Anvil siad it so well...when the drugs are in control you are not dealing with your husband; you are dealing with addiction. He is deep in denial so nothing you do or say is going to make him continue to use or to stop. He has to find recovery on his own.

Please remeber that nothing is forever if you don't want it to be. Just for today you can make a choice to leave the house or have him leave. Your safety and your kids safety are the important things. Meth is very scary and the rages that go with it can be very dangerous. Hugs and prayers

tropikgal2

Oh My, Wayconfused, it is so NOT YOUR FAULT!! Don't you ever think that!!! It was HIS CHOICE to use and drink. If there is an Alanon meeting in your area or Naranon, please go. You will meet others who are or have been feeling the same way you do and you will be able to learn ways to sort out what is going on in your head. You live in Texas, which is a community property state. That means you are entitled to HALF of everything including the house. If he keeps it in the case of a divorce, he has to pay you for HALF of the appraised value. See a lawyer for a free consultation and get your ducks in a row. They will also advise you on how to file a legal seperation if that is what happens so that nothing happens to your property. (it will be protected).
Good Luck and PROTECT yourself.

thejunkyswife

NOT YOUR FAULT! NO NO NO! It is so very much not your fault. I agree with everyone, and I hope that you will be able to find a meeting near you. I think you'll find a lot of healing there, and learn a lot of skills to help you protect yourself.

You're what's most important right now. There's nothing you can do to help him except to take care of yourself, get stronger, and protect what's yours. No matter what, if you're going to stay in the relationship or get out of it, taking care of yourself is what you need to do.

Good luck! You'll be in my thoughts.

Noah812

Hey neighbor. This is not your fault it is all on him. If he is doig meth and drinking becareful not to let him hurt you. The area we live, meth seems to be the primary DOC. My xagf was on meth and who knows what else. It is a horrible place that you are in. You do not have any reason to feel bad and the best way not to let an addict get you down is by not talking with them. Good luck to you.

wayconfused

you know the meth thing really does scare me. His DOC has been pills. I know I cant handle the meth crap.
I am worried and scared of what is to come..
Thank you all for the great advise. It helps more then people know.

Noah812

The meth crap believe it or not only gets worse as time goes on. They become more depenedant on it, it is likely to get alot worse. Stay out of his way when he is high ect and make up your mind of what to do when your ready.

Blackrose2756

He is very dangerous right now. My ex went from a wonderful man to someone who was a monster when he used & mix it with alcohol....deadly. I almost died because I stayed too long. But I also have to tell you, he is doing everything an addict does to get attention. Especially the "wrecked" truck. Wahhhhhhhhhh

You might think it cold & hard, but my ex even jumped out a window into the arms of a group of people thinking his "suicide" attempt would win me back.

Basically, I told him..."Grow up".

Priority here is YOU & your children. They are also in danger. With this behavior & meth use, is there anyway to have him thrown out? That's what I did with my ex.

Lynne

wayconfused

I wished there was .. But I dont see one. I am going to have it fixed where he cant sell our land \ house. My sister had \ has a problem with drugs and I remember her coming down and she was mean real mean. He tells me that if I wont sell the land he will mess it up so bad they will condiim( spelling ?) it. It just makes me feel horrable.
Thanks for all the help...
Hugs to all
way

Wascally Wabbit

Don't you just love the way an addict acts like a 2 year old, with all the fits, and the blaming others for their actions?
A good friend once said, "When someone dumps something in your lap, stand up and brush it off".
I have lived by that statement for years now. No one blames me for anything that I am not actually guilty of because I throw it right back in their face.
Blaming and guilt trips are manipulations of the addict to gain control over YOU. Only you control you, so...
Good luck dear. I hope it gets better.

BigSis

Sometimes, it is less scary to take action than to think about it.

Telling him only brings on the crazies... so don't.

Everyone here told you that you are not to blame. Each of us that has been perfect before our addicts got sober... please raise your hand....


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hear that? That would be a deafening silence.


We AREN'T perfect.... but we are deserving of a good life. As are you. Today, not tomorrow. Get out with what you can, and come back later ... if you still think you "need" to. Freedom is worth a very high price.

(((Hugs))))