thiskidknows

I was put on this earth to be abused
now my jobs down, I feel excused.
Life wasn't ever fun
but now its complete I feel done.

I walk around everyday, feeling insane
feeling out of it, the feelins I can't contain
I try to pretend that I will be fine
but I admit I'm at the end of the line

I'm drinking more each day
hoping the pain will go away
but when I wake and its all still there
I start again and try to repair.

the vicious circle I've got myself in
I can't get out, i'm stuck within
the feelings get deeper, the pain gets worse
but still I head for the bottle and try to reverse

now I've become addicted to pills
knowing that all it does is kills
kills the pain, the dirt within
all because of my original sin.

I'm waiting for the day it will end
knowing that i won't ever mend
I don't want to die
or say goodbye

But I've lost control
and need to rest my soul
where this begin I don't know
but now its about to end I feel so low.

Fade

Can I ask you a question?

thiskidknows

yes of course

Fade

No question need be asked here, you already answered it. By your reply, I can tell that you want someone to be interested in your thoughts and needs. We all do. I'm interested, and I'm here for ya.

Having said that, I think I may have just put a smile on your face.

thiskidknows

Thank you Fade..does that mean that u didn't expect a response from me?

I want help, I just don't know what to do..my head is full of crap and I've lost control - group sessions such as AA are for me at the moment out of the question because I suffer from panic and aniexty attacks when in unknown places or I don't feel safe its strange and I'm probably not making much sense sorry..

Fade

No, I expected a response from you...of course I did. All I meant was that you wanted someone to listen, and that's what this board is for...people listening to one another.

Losing control, and admitting that you've done such a thing is the first step...believe me. I've lost control many times in my life...but it never stopped me from moving forward. Just recently, I admitted that I am an alcoholic, and I am seeking treatment. In all of my 36 years on this planet, it was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever done.

Why did I do it? Because somewhere inside me there is a thing called hope. It's in you too, you just have to let it out.

thiskidknows

I don't believe that I am an alcholic, I really don't I don't wake up and drink, my psyciatrist said I drink to much and have a tendancy to become an alcholic unless I nip it in the bud now. On average I drink about 90 units a week, but I don't wake and the first thing I do is drink I don't do that. Honestly I don't do that.

You sound so positive, which is encouraging to hear you seem to have the determination that you really can change your life around and have one filled without drink and loads of happiness.

Its funny you mention hope, friday I told my counsellor that I have lost all hope, I darent' hope anymore cause it ends in failure. I'm such a negative person that I really do my own head in. Sorry

Fade

Yes, I am positive, and do you know why? Because I DECIDED that it's going to be that way. Decision is very empowering....once you decide on something, thats all there is to it.

Please don't lose hope...it doesn't always end in failure, and it doesn't ever have to.

Pilgrim

Hi Lost Child

Thanks for the poem which I can see came from the bottom of your heart.

I am still struggling too. People who go to AA have all struggled just like you. We know about the panic and anxiety. I hear over and over from people there that the first time they went to AA they felt they had finally come home. There is nothing to lose and if you don't like it you can leave.

"On average I drink about 90 units a week, but I don't wake and the first thing I do is drink I don't do that. Honestly I don't do that. "

I am an alcoholic and I never drank in the morning either. Never. Yet.

I am pleased you are here and asking for help.

parentrecovers

i'm thinking about you and praying you find peace, lost. k

thiskidknows

My nephew the other week called me an alcholic it hurt like hell cause he's 6 so he's has obviously heard it from someone else, he then started to hide my drink and everytime I opened a can he would just stare at me...then run off laughing. I really don't believe that I am an alcholic, yes I drink over the recommended allowance, I binge drink, it does effect my work but that doesn't make me an alcholic does it. Maybe I'm naive, cause I seriously believe that an alcholic is someone who drinks 24/7 but I don't...no I can't go to the pub and just have one, I can't stop at one drink..sorry I'm getting myself all confused. Sorry. I know that I drink too much and its effecting my health. oh I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Sorry.

shipo

G'day Lost_child,
I'm in the same situation as you are regarding Panic attacks/agoraphobia..I could never imagine myself attending any meeting be it AA or whatever. Are you taking any medication for your anxiety? You may or may not be an alcoholic but you have sought support which is a great step.
Welcome and please stay with us..
Cheers Paul

thiskidknows

Hi Paul,

I'm not taking anything for the anxiety, all medication has been refused because of other reasons, until I can control my emotions and how I deal with them ppl seem relucatant to help. I'm not someone who can bang on doors, climb thru windows if the door gets closed and shout for help, I wish I had the confidence to do so then maybe I wouldn't be in the mess I feel I'm in now.

I hope ur well.

Lost_Child

parentrecovers

what do you want from your life, lost child? what are your dreams? please don't lose hope or sight of what is yours for the taking. i know i say this all the time, but i wake up and go to bed every night believing it - recovery is possible.

blessings, k

shipo

Why have all medications been denied to you ??? It's ok you don't have to explain but PM me if you feel like talking...I've been through the mill and still am stuck myself but I find spilling the beans does help.
Cheers Paul

thiskidknows

At the moment all I want is peace within myself, to be able to feel happy and accept it. To be normal. My dreams....I will need to think of my dreams cause at the moment I can't think of any, unless wanting peace is a dream. I don't want anything from life, just to be happy..material stuff has no value to me not at the moment, one dream I used to have is that my mum and I would be able to have friendship, that she would say that she loves me, or would cuddle me, but that dream has died cause she's not been able to do it for 27 years so she's never gonna be able to. Sorry the 1 thing I've ever wanted was a mum, a mum who can accept me, love me and it hurts that she can't. Sorry I can't write anymore it hurts too much sorry. sorry

parentrecovers

one thing i have learned in my recovery, lost, and i know it's not always easy to put into practice, as i struggle also with it - i can't change other people. you can only change how you let other people affect you. i'm sorry that your mom isn't "present" for you. i pray you can find ways to deal with that dissapointment and pain. you sure deserve peace, lost. we all do. blessings, k

noprob

if we always do what we have always done then we will always get what we always got.

insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

the above are quotes I've heard in the meetings of AA.

also I might add from my experience that fear once ruled the day in my life,it does not today.

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, noprob! k

Rusty Zipper

LC... for years i suffered from panic and anxiety... it was horible and terrifying... as years ago i didnt think i had a drinking or druging problem... the years moved on... the panic and axiety grew... the only thing that would make it disapear instantly... was booze... ah, that first sip... how soothing and calming it was...

more time moves on... now i know i'm addicted and hooked...booze and more... driven to use...
when the time came to stop the insanity... it was too late...way to late... i was in the abyse of active alcoholism...

it is progresive beyond any doubt...

i was unable to stop... now came the dreaded four horsemen... " Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair"... it was a daily living helll... exausting to keep up the pace...

one day, i surendered it all...

surendered it to recovery... for me, its the rooms of A.A.

LC, it just matters when one reaches out, and asks for help... listen to the answers of those that it has worked for...

theres a lot of recovery programs out there... find one that your comfortable with... not one that one may think will be easy... its the hard self rewarding work that can, and does make life livable, enjoyable, and worth latching on to...

as time moved on, my anxiety and panic are just about nil... you see, for me... the booze and drugs just inhanced what what was there in the first place... it was real, and it was called "Fear!"... i'm not a fearful person anymore... just the opposite now... all by reaching out, asking for help... and taking the advice of those that have been there, done that, and have a new way better life...

LC, wishing you all the best in whatever you do...

theres some wonderful support, knowladge, and a world of understaning on Soberrecovey...

welcome to the family...

xxoo, & blessings... rz

ps, the rooms of A.A. had, and stil have given this hopless wonder Hope!