Alcohol will do this...
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: NC
Posts: 14
Alcohol will do this...
When my relationship was over with my A - I felt death was near. This was a year ago exactly. The pain was so unbearable that I was really suicidal. I really, really thought that pain was killing me, and I didn't want to survive another day feeling that way anymore….my father had just died and that added to it. I was a mess. I had severe sleep apnea and didn’t know it. I felt like my A hated my poor health but I didn’t know what was wrong….I thought it was my DDD in my neck. I have Chronic Pain from that…..but my body was killing me all over and mentally I was dying. I so badly wanted some comfort from my A but was so scared of him wanting sex that I had not touched him for years….I could NOT stand the thought of him breathing alcohol on my cheeks ever again. I felt so ugly to him for feeling that way. Pain was now everywhere. I was so angry at him and so sad at the way our life had become, I could hardly live.
To me, the start of my pain was the disappointment of his drinking. Knowing that my ex "chose" beer over his relationship with me... knowing that he could have chosen my unwavering love for him. He doesn’t see it this way I’m sure.
Picking up children seemed to start the physical pain I had. It was bad but not so horrible. It was worse having him shut down and not talk to me about me, about how I felt, (because he couldn’t fix me) and what role I was to have in our marriage; that just amazed me….and that started the corrosive mental pain. I finally realized he didn’t want me going out after dark, when I started Cub Scouts with my son…I still can’t believe that. I never thought he was that traditional…he never said a word…but his body language spoke volumes. And the beer he drank increased….I’m sure he blames his drinking on how I led my life after that….I volunteered for many kid groups and I worked with a caterer on the weekends….but certainly not every weekend and not every night.
I helped him believe in himself and at first, he helped overcome my problem with talking to people I didn’t know. I loved him through work problems, his first wife’s ugliness over the custody of his children, anxiety about his job, his children’s mental health…everything….it's devastating to want love and approval from someone so badly and not have them want you back, they don’t want to talk to you...they want to drink that beer instead. And so….that’s what happened I guess. Every year he drank more and more…..I quit trying to talk to him. I suggested marriage counseling…he couldn’t do it. It scared him too much.
I gave up so much for that relationship. I kept the house going and the kids going and got very little emotional support back, so when it came time to stop walking on eggshells, I still thought there was something wrong with me. There must be a reason why he loved beer more than me…what did I do wrong? He told me when we first got married to “just tell him” what I wanted. I tried but when he didn’t believe in what kind of person I really was, that I needed to be doing more than keeping house and cooking his supper and watching kids, that I needed to work some and be proud of MY little jobs….. well, that wasn’t acceptable….he wanted me to stay home. Once again, he didn’t speak up and tell me he disliked what I was doing….he just found little ways to disapprove of what I did do. Little body gestures and silence…LOTS of dead silence.
I couldn’t go see my friends by myself…he disapproved of my best friend because she was a feminist. Hell…I’m a feminist!! She lived far away. Every year I’d go see her before I got married. All of the sudden, I couldn’t do that. I could go to relatives houses, my parents….but not to cousins, not to friends….He didn’t really like any of my family. He will never understand that pain. He didn’t like it that they caused me pain….but he never understood that I needed to work it out with them. To him they were snooty or stupid or whatever.
I had issues with his family but I never refused to go around them. He acted like it was hell to be around mine for longer than 24-48 hours….that was it. The problem was….my family liked to talk…..and be right…that killed him. He took that **** waaay to personally. He never understood that he had a inferiority complex problem stemming from the way he was raised. It was always someone else that was an ass or a boor or was over the top. Oh, by the way…his brother and father are close to GOD. His brother would **** him off but God Forbid you say something critical about him. You could rag on the women in his family all day and he’d agree with you. Never occurred to him that the men in his family drove the women NUTS.
The fact that he continues to destroy himself hurts me beyond belief but at least now, I can distance myself. His children hated the way he treated them when he was buzzed or drunk….he was so snappy, curled his lip, and sniffed at them…to this day when he doesn’t like something they say…he still does the nose sniff, disapproval thing….they HATE it., and it's all I can do to get them to see that he’s just a person with a problem. They tell me to say out of it…I cry about that too...it’s like the loss of the life of someone so amazing, it's like mourning a death, it really is….but I shut up.
It still hurts but the horrible pain is getting better. It’s hard to see that it is getting better….it’s slow to heal. I lost so much this past year….I feel like I’ve lost something I never had. I feel like he hates me, has hated me for years. All I ever wanted was to love him and be with him and talk to him. It’s all gone. I don't even know how to find the good except to look at pictures. It’s not in my memory. I feel like I knew him the past 10 years and he never knew me at all because he didn’t like me.
He says he’s happy now with his girlfriend. That he doesn’t drink that much…he doesn’t realize he is the same person. He hasn’t changed; he’s just covering it all up. If he can change for her….good for her. She needs all the good luck she can find! I feel sorry for her but I really hope it works out. I’m glad I am away from him….I never realized how hurtful all this was to me.
I want to get better….I never want to hurt this bad again. I want to know how what I did made this so horrible but I guess I’ll never know. I guess I should have not believed him when he told me he wasn’t like the other people he grew up with. He’s a traditional male….and he only thing I feel I should have seen and thought about was the fact that he did drink when I met him….that his father was an Alcoholic. I feel guilty for marrying him. I told myself before I met him that I should never get involved with an Alcoholic…..but he didn’t drink that much then.
You know what’s hard…I still trust him in so many ways….I love the little good parts of him….but the mean, critical, untouchable Frank is so hard, that it just makes me cower and feel like a horrible mean person and wonder what I did wrong. I guess what is wrong with me is that I take emotion or no emotion too seriously. I blame myself for everyone emotions. I know I do this and before we got married I told him I had a hard time expressing myself and I did this and I felt invalidated when I felt silenced. I remember telling him….I don’t know how he heard it though. I know nothing about what he truly thought because he would never tell me. He said, “I don’t know”, so many times when we finally did talk. I can count on my hand how many times we tried to talk….this is what makes me cry and cry. I feel like I have never been taken seriously or been heard by him or any man.
I know I have a lot of changing to do.....sometimes it just rushes back over me and I feel so low.
Thank you to everyone that listened to me cry. Sara
To me, the start of my pain was the disappointment of his drinking. Knowing that my ex "chose" beer over his relationship with me... knowing that he could have chosen my unwavering love for him. He doesn’t see it this way I’m sure.
Picking up children seemed to start the physical pain I had. It was bad but not so horrible. It was worse having him shut down and not talk to me about me, about how I felt, (because he couldn’t fix me) and what role I was to have in our marriage; that just amazed me….and that started the corrosive mental pain. I finally realized he didn’t want me going out after dark, when I started Cub Scouts with my son…I still can’t believe that. I never thought he was that traditional…he never said a word…but his body language spoke volumes. And the beer he drank increased….I’m sure he blames his drinking on how I led my life after that….I volunteered for many kid groups and I worked with a caterer on the weekends….but certainly not every weekend and not every night.
I helped him believe in himself and at first, he helped overcome my problem with talking to people I didn’t know. I loved him through work problems, his first wife’s ugliness over the custody of his children, anxiety about his job, his children’s mental health…everything….it's devastating to want love and approval from someone so badly and not have them want you back, they don’t want to talk to you...they want to drink that beer instead. And so….that’s what happened I guess. Every year he drank more and more…..I quit trying to talk to him. I suggested marriage counseling…he couldn’t do it. It scared him too much.
I gave up so much for that relationship. I kept the house going and the kids going and got very little emotional support back, so when it came time to stop walking on eggshells, I still thought there was something wrong with me. There must be a reason why he loved beer more than me…what did I do wrong? He told me when we first got married to “just tell him” what I wanted. I tried but when he didn’t believe in what kind of person I really was, that I needed to be doing more than keeping house and cooking his supper and watching kids, that I needed to work some and be proud of MY little jobs….. well, that wasn’t acceptable….he wanted me to stay home. Once again, he didn’t speak up and tell me he disliked what I was doing….he just found little ways to disapprove of what I did do. Little body gestures and silence…LOTS of dead silence.
I couldn’t go see my friends by myself…he disapproved of my best friend because she was a feminist. Hell…I’m a feminist!! She lived far away. Every year I’d go see her before I got married. All of the sudden, I couldn’t do that. I could go to relatives houses, my parents….but not to cousins, not to friends….He didn’t really like any of my family. He will never understand that pain. He didn’t like it that they caused me pain….but he never understood that I needed to work it out with them. To him they were snooty or stupid or whatever.
I had issues with his family but I never refused to go around them. He acted like it was hell to be around mine for longer than 24-48 hours….that was it. The problem was….my family liked to talk…..and be right…that killed him. He took that **** waaay to personally. He never understood that he had a inferiority complex problem stemming from the way he was raised. It was always someone else that was an ass or a boor or was over the top. Oh, by the way…his brother and father are close to GOD. His brother would **** him off but God Forbid you say something critical about him. You could rag on the women in his family all day and he’d agree with you. Never occurred to him that the men in his family drove the women NUTS.
The fact that he continues to destroy himself hurts me beyond belief but at least now, I can distance myself. His children hated the way he treated them when he was buzzed or drunk….he was so snappy, curled his lip, and sniffed at them…to this day when he doesn’t like something they say…he still does the nose sniff, disapproval thing….they HATE it., and it's all I can do to get them to see that he’s just a person with a problem. They tell me to say out of it…I cry about that too...it’s like the loss of the life of someone so amazing, it's like mourning a death, it really is….but I shut up.
It still hurts but the horrible pain is getting better. It’s hard to see that it is getting better….it’s slow to heal. I lost so much this past year….I feel like I’ve lost something I never had. I feel like he hates me, has hated me for years. All I ever wanted was to love him and be with him and talk to him. It’s all gone. I don't even know how to find the good except to look at pictures. It’s not in my memory. I feel like I knew him the past 10 years and he never knew me at all because he didn’t like me.
He says he’s happy now with his girlfriend. That he doesn’t drink that much…he doesn’t realize he is the same person. He hasn’t changed; he’s just covering it all up. If he can change for her….good for her. She needs all the good luck she can find! I feel sorry for her but I really hope it works out. I’m glad I am away from him….I never realized how hurtful all this was to me.
I want to get better….I never want to hurt this bad again. I want to know how what I did made this so horrible but I guess I’ll never know. I guess I should have not believed him when he told me he wasn’t like the other people he grew up with. He’s a traditional male….and he only thing I feel I should have seen and thought about was the fact that he did drink when I met him….that his father was an Alcoholic. I feel guilty for marrying him. I told myself before I met him that I should never get involved with an Alcoholic…..but he didn’t drink that much then.
You know what’s hard…I still trust him in so many ways….I love the little good parts of him….but the mean, critical, untouchable Frank is so hard, that it just makes me cower and feel like a horrible mean person and wonder what I did wrong. I guess what is wrong with me is that I take emotion or no emotion too seriously. I blame myself for everyone emotions. I know I do this and before we got married I told him I had a hard time expressing myself and I did this and I felt invalidated when I felt silenced. I remember telling him….I don’t know how he heard it though. I know nothing about what he truly thought because he would never tell me. He said, “I don’t know”, so many times when we finally did talk. I can count on my hand how many times we tried to talk….this is what makes me cry and cry. I feel like I have never been taken seriously or been heard by him or any man.
I know I have a lot of changing to do.....sometimes it just rushes back over me and I feel so low.
Thank you to everyone that listened to me cry. Sara
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
I am so sorry for your pain--you are in a bad spot---YOU didn't do anything wrong--he is the alcoholic who ruined his life along with yours.You say he is a traditional man? I don't think so.He is abusing you-he wants to cut you off to all outside ties to the real world and control you He wants you to have no friends and no family connections-hence he doesn't want you doing anything outside the home because you might actually figure out this mind game he is playing once you are around normal people and places.
You have wasted a lot of time--looking back and trying to figure out where you went wrong--YOU DIDN"T----he left you along time ago-and you are still clinging to the hope that he will come back and love you--he doesn't deserve you--and I can't imagine how this mind game thing he has going is screwing up your kids!!
Please for your own sake get professional help so you can see things as they really are....so you can move on and finally have a life-filled with friends/family/jobs and be surrounded by those wh deserve your attention andthose that really care about you.This sounds like one smart cold man......praying for you and keep posting-it helps to vent....
You have wasted a lot of time--looking back and trying to figure out where you went wrong--YOU DIDN"T----he left you along time ago-and you are still clinging to the hope that he will come back and love you--he doesn't deserve you--and I can't imagine how this mind game thing he has going is screwing up your kids!!
Please for your own sake get professional help so you can see things as they really are....so you can move on and finally have a life-filled with friends/family/jobs and be surrounded by those wh deserve your attention andthose that really care about you.This sounds like one smart cold man......praying for you and keep posting-it helps to vent....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i'm so sorry for your pain. i think we all know what it feels like to love someone so much, but to then see two different sides of the same person - the other one being one we really don't love.
things will get better for you... time truly does heal everything. be patient, focus on yourself and your children, and everything will fall into place. the pain will pass, and you will eventually come to a point where you don't hurt as much as you do now or did when you initially left him.
keep posting and venting here
things will get better for you... time truly does heal everything. be patient, focus on yourself and your children, and everything will fall into place. the pain will pass, and you will eventually come to a point where you don't hurt as much as you do now or did when you initially left him.
keep posting and venting here
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
You are not the only one disliking drunk breath and the associated behavior intimately close.
We cannot compete with "beer"
No doubt you enabled him through his problems to some degree.
Without others to blame, the alcoholic would be at a "loss for words"
He hates himself first and foremost and "projects" self hatred onto you and others.
Even if the new girlfriend is a disaster and/or a raging addict he will never admit it to you = more denial, delusion and lies to lead others to believe everything is GREAT in his world.
He liked you but continues to dislike himself.
You did not make him an addict although he will blame you for it as all addicts do.
Two short paperback books that will help you feel much better are
"I'll quit tomorrow" Vernon johnsom
"Love first" Jeff Jay
You are not alone we all know what you are going through. You can choose recovery and happiness.
We cannot compete with "beer"
No doubt you enabled him through his problems to some degree.
Without others to blame, the alcoholic would be at a "loss for words"
He hates himself first and foremost and "projects" self hatred onto you and others.
Even if the new girlfriend is a disaster and/or a raging addict he will never admit it to you = more denial, delusion and lies to lead others to believe everything is GREAT in his world.
He liked you but continues to dislike himself.
You did not make him an addict although he will blame you for it as all addicts do.
Two short paperback books that will help you feel much better are
"I'll quit tomorrow" Vernon johnsom
"Love first" Jeff Jay
You are not alone we all know what you are going through. You can choose recovery and happiness.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Sara, welcome to SR.
As a recovering alcoholic with quite some time sober and clean now, and also a long time member of Al-anon let me tell you, that YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.
You see while in the throes of my affliction I would and did do anything I needed to do to KEEP YOU (the 'you's' in my life) OFF BALANCE. That is how the A MANIPULATES our partners. We want you to believe, as we do, (a false belief by the way that perpetuates our own denial) that it is your fault. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
There are several books you might find very beneficial to you. The first one I would recommend is: "Co-dependent No More."
Next would be "Under The Influence." And finally, "Beyond The Influence." All are available on Amazon.com.
"Co-dependent No More" will help you to work on you so that this need never happen to you again. "Under The Influence" will give you some great incite into the actual affliction of Alcoholism and how it affects the individual. "Beyond The Influence" carries the affliction onward into recovery for not only the alcoholic but for the loved ones around the alcoholic.
I am glad you are here Sara, you have started on the road to healing. You will find great Experience, Strength and Hope here, along with some straight talk, kindness, compassion and caring.................................so again, Welcome to Sober Recovery. I am sorry that you have to be here, but sure am glad you found us!!!!!!
Please continue to post and share, vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and laugh. Let us know how you are doing, we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
As a recovering alcoholic with quite some time sober and clean now, and also a long time member of Al-anon let me tell you, that YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.
You see while in the throes of my affliction I would and did do anything I needed to do to KEEP YOU (the 'you's' in my life) OFF BALANCE. That is how the A MANIPULATES our partners. We want you to believe, as we do, (a false belief by the way that perpetuates our own denial) that it is your fault. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
There are several books you might find very beneficial to you. The first one I would recommend is: "Co-dependent No More."
Next would be "Under The Influence." And finally, "Beyond The Influence." All are available on Amazon.com.
"Co-dependent No More" will help you to work on you so that this need never happen to you again. "Under The Influence" will give you some great incite into the actual affliction of Alcoholism and how it affects the individual. "Beyond The Influence" carries the affliction onward into recovery for not only the alcoholic but for the loved ones around the alcoholic.
I am glad you are here Sara, you have started on the road to healing. You will find great Experience, Strength and Hope here, along with some straight talk, kindness, compassion and caring.................................so again, Welcome to Sober Recovery. I am sorry that you have to be here, but sure am glad you found us!!!!!!
Please continue to post and share, vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and laugh. Let us know how you are doing, we do care very much!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
((((((((((((((Sara)))))))))))))))
Hun remember the 3 C's
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it
He may never change but you can....look at it this way...that man has freed you...he has picked a new victim.. My husband of 22 years left me for another woman who is an addict/alcholic and to hear him tell it she is the best thing he ever met....he says they have alot in common...well he is right on that one. Until death due they part...thats what I say.
I still cry hunny - every night...every night. We can love them from afar where its safe. do this until you are healed thats what I am doing and it does help. Get those books that the others on here told you to get. They are great books. Keep your chin up and stay strong let your children see the true woman you are - show them your mental strength...move this mountain for you and them.
Take care sweetpea.
Janit
Hun remember the 3 C's
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it
He may never change but you can....look at it this way...that man has freed you...he has picked a new victim.. My husband of 22 years left me for another woman who is an addict/alcholic and to hear him tell it she is the best thing he ever met....he says they have alot in common...well he is right on that one. Until death due they part...thats what I say.
I still cry hunny - every night...every night. We can love them from afar where its safe. do this until you are healed thats what I am doing and it does help. Get those books that the others on here told you to get. They are great books. Keep your chin up and stay strong let your children see the true woman you are - show them your mental strength...move this mountain for you and them.
Take care sweetpea.
Janit
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Awww, hon....I am so sorry for your pain. It does get better.
The above books that were mentioned are great.....don't stop with just one reading.........each time I read them I get something else out of the for me.
I know it hurts, let it for now........but not for too long !
We are here fo r you.
The above books that were mentioned are great.....don't stop with just one reading.........each time I read them I get something else out of the for me.
I know it hurts, let it for now........but not for too long !
We are here fo r you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: NC
Posts: 14
Thank you all, I'm going to order some of those books....
one thing I wanted all to knowis that on a scale of 1-10 as far as controlling me...I'd say my STBX is a three, ten being the worst.. In decribing behaviors, it's hard to decribe how controlling one is.....after we split, he said he cut down from 12 beers a night to one or two....as long as he drinks anything at all he's an A, Right? I feel like he blaming me for the amount he drank.
He said he was going to quit and I still think he means it. I withdrew my affection for him after he started drinking more. I quit cooking his plate (that he never ate), I quit having sex, I quit enabling in many ways. I tried to talk to him but was scared to because at that time I didn't want him to leave....I just wanted him to quit.
Was I too selfish? Sara
one thing I wanted all to knowis that on a scale of 1-10 as far as controlling me...I'd say my STBX is a three, ten being the worst.. In decribing behaviors, it's hard to decribe how controlling one is.....after we split, he said he cut down from 12 beers a night to one or two....as long as he drinks anything at all he's an A, Right? I feel like he blaming me for the amount he drank.
He said he was going to quit and I still think he means it. I withdrew my affection for him after he started drinking more. I quit cooking his plate (that he never ate), I quit having sex, I quit enabling in many ways. I tried to talk to him but was scared to because at that time I didn't want him to leave....I just wanted him to quit.
Was I too selfish? Sara
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
sara, you weren't too selfish. taking care of yourself and your needs isn't selfish... it's survival, and being deserving of happiness.
if he is still drinking, he is still an A. period. we've all had someone tell us they were going to quit, and we all believed it - sometimes more than once. i've never felt like more of an idiot! if he wants to quit, let him quit, tell him to call you in a year. if he doesn't call, you'll know whether or not he was bluffing this time.
if he is still drinking, he is still an A. period. we've all had someone tell us they were going to quit, and we all believed it - sometimes more than once. i've never felt like more of an idiot! if he wants to quit, let him quit, tell him to call you in a year. if he doesn't call, you'll know whether or not he was bluffing this time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: NC
Posts: 14
It's been many years since I let go and this community helped me see the light! Time did heal....of course it took a while. The biggest thing I carried away from here was those damn good 3C's. I needed to hear the very helpful caring posts from the above members and I thank everyone of you.
I left and didn't come back....as the pain was so fresh and it did last but the 3Cs carried me through.
I spent 2008 going thru surgeries and all of 2009 recovering from getting off the methadone that the Drs had me on for ten years prior. That was tough and I couldn't read, focus, use the pc, think....all those things and more!
But I finally got over that and began working on my PTSD using EMDR therapy. It was GREAT. I used it for the issues that sprang from the deaths of my father and stepmom...they passed within months of each other.
I wanted to come back here and tell y'all that while they are always residual little rocks we turn over....once you start to believe in yourself, educate yourself, and make changes for YOURSELF.....it all gets hugely better!
Thank you to the peeps here that posted to me....I took it and held it close while I pushed thru the crap!
I left and didn't come back....as the pain was so fresh and it did last but the 3Cs carried me through.
I spent 2008 going thru surgeries and all of 2009 recovering from getting off the methadone that the Drs had me on for ten years prior. That was tough and I couldn't read, focus, use the pc, think....all those things and more!
But I finally got over that and began working on my PTSD using EMDR therapy. It was GREAT. I used it for the issues that sprang from the deaths of my father and stepmom...they passed within months of each other.
I wanted to come back here and tell y'all that while they are always residual little rocks we turn over....once you start to believe in yourself, educate yourself, and make changes for YOURSELF.....it all gets hugely better!
Thank you to the peeps here that posted to me....I took it and held it close while I pushed thru the crap!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: NC
Posts: 14
I learned too that those of us that don't drink to self medicate and don't abuse others But do question our sanity...we cannot ever understand abusers. We can't understand what we don't do....and I'm glad I'll never understand....it means I'm ok, normal, caring, and have respect for others. I like it that way.
You can't understand behaviors that you don't do yourself. You can show outrage, horror, and pity but you can't copy or understand it because it's not in your moral basket.
You can't understand behaviors that you don't do yourself. You can show outrage, horror, and pity but you can't copy or understand it because it's not in your moral basket.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: NC
Posts: 14
I'm here again to say thank you to this community. Out of all the hell I went thru, came a desire to help people with drug issues. I'm doing that now on another forum. This place got me started and I am extremely grateful for that!
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by SadSoonToBeEx 
I'm here again to say thank you to this community. Out of all the hell I went thru, came a desire to help people with drug issues. I'm doing that now on another forum. This place got me started and I am extremely grateful for that!
I'm wondering what happened to your x husband?
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