TroubledNC

My thread title says it all... I have reached a point where I think it is best to separate from my AH. Before having our daughter (now 3), I was successful in a career, but have elected -- and was fortunate enough to -- stay at home with our daughter. Now, it seems it complicates my decision-making b/c I don't feel as confident not having a job. I feel more dependent than I did when I was working.

Any Moms of young kids out there with words of support, advice, wisdom for making this step?

I'm terrified of all of it. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I have become so unhappy and cannot live like this anymore. I know I need to make a change and perhaps AH and I can work on our own recoveries and then see what happens. I feel like I am living someone else's life... I never dreamed our marriage would turn into this mess.

Troubled and sleepless!

LGLG07

Troubled I am going through a similar situation right now . Ah is in the hosp and I told him he would have to have at least a year of sobriety before I would consider reconciling . We have 4 kids 10 , 9 , 6 & almost 1 . I do work , PT , but my hours are 3 days a week and w/my commute Im out of the house from 1130a - 1030p . Its a long day and hard to find someone to watch the kids at night .
Guess what ? Woman do it all the time . They pick up the pieces , get jobs , work out childcare and pay the bills . Sometimes we underestimate ourselves, we dont realize how strong we really are and what we are capable of .
You havent been out of the work force for that long , you have skills , I wouldnt worry about not being able to find a job . Also I am sure he will be ordered to pay you since you did stay at home and you may qualify for some state mandated benefits if you need to until you can get on your feet .

I am sorry that things are turning out for you the way they are . I do know how difficult it is but its not impossible , and who knows , if during the separation he gets himself sober and stays that way , you may just be doing the best thing for you child . You may be keeping the family together .

I wish you luck and sending prayers your way !
M

Pick-a-name

Sorry I don't have any words of advice except to say I relate and in some ways I am glad to see at least you have figured this out! (unlike me...his progression has creeped along and gotten ignored because of heart problems with one of our children). I was a stay-at-home mom for the last 25yrs; just turned 53y and my AH just divorced ME!! Luckily, he is also a workaholic so financially I am OK...good thing! It really pulls the rug out from under you!!

Glad to hear you did have a successful career in the past. Although I do have a college degree, I would call my pre-children job a "job" in contrast with a career. (I feel fortunate to have been able to stay home with the kids,don't get me wrong on that. My youngest just started college.)


Best of luck to you and your kids...and AH,too.

newenglandgirl

Hey there Troubled. I know what you mean by feeling like you're living someone else's life...I remember clearly when I started realizing how out of control and terrible our lives had become, and feeling so terrified to face the sad truth that I would be better off without my AH. It is so scary! Without a child it is terrifying...and with one (or more), It must be even more so. I am glad you have found SR. This is such a wonderful place to learn and find support. Please keep posting and reading.

It is not easy, but slowly you will make the necessary steps towards the kind of life you and your child deserve. None of it is fair. Addiction is not fair and will destroy all in its path. Don't worry - you will find the strength, and you will do what you have to.

hugs, neg.

FormerDoormat

I agree, LGL, we women do underestimate ourselves. Sometimes, we're our own worst enemy.

Twenty-one years ago when I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend at the time told me to "get rid of the baby or he'd leave me." Well, that decision was easy. I told him not to let the door hit him in the ass. At the time, I was earning just $11,000 a year (compared to his $80,000) but I convinced myself that I could do this on my own.

So, without ever having received a single penny of child support from him I pressed on. Was I afraid? You bet! Was it difficult? At times, but I've found that where there's a will, there's a way.

We had to live frugally for several years, but we always had a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, and food in our stomaches. Eventually, we thrived and neither my daughter nor myself want for anything. We have a beautiful home, my daughter is entering her senior year at college, our bills are always paid on time, and we have enough money left over each month to enjoy the fruits of our labor.

And I did all of this with only a high school education. If I can do this, anybody can. You just have to let go of the fear and take that first step. And then another. And another.

You took care of yourself just fine before you met your husband. So you'll be just fine without him. You can do this!

kermit

My story, I threw my XAH out before I did any thinking. I too had a great job and after our last son was born we decided that I should stay home, I was home for close to 4yrs (I think) any way My Husband drove my oldest when he was drunk and i just threw him out, not thinking. It has been a long, very long year many ups many downs, but We are okay. I loved going back to work and seeing old friends my relationship with my children grew stronger and we have become a better "unit" then when he was in the home.
I know you have Much to think about.
One thing I would have done differently os have a job first, and daycare lined up.
Good luck and keep coming back... Kermmie

LGLG07

Kermie & FD
Very inspirational storys . Thanks for sharing them !
M