crrogers22

How do you know they have really changed? I ask this because I got in touch with my ex today and he wants to get back together with me. He just completed rehab. As he currently has 3 DWI charges in less than 2 months + 10 other alcohol-related charges, I am not sure if his 45-day stint in rehab is due to legal reasons. In my gut, I feel rehab was due to the charges against him... However, I realize feelings are not always true.
I told him that if he stayed clean for one year and went through dialectical behavior therapy, I would consider getting back together with him. He then told me that he wants me to drive 5 hours to come see him this weekend (he no longer has a driver's license). Although I want to see him, I realize that I don't want to get back together with him right away and I think seeing him may re-ignite something. so I guess I am wondering -

1.) Have any of you successfully or unsuccessfully taken your ex back. If so, how did you know he had really changed (or looking back at it, that he had not changed)?

2.) What are your ideas on going to see him this coming weekend?

Thanks

Sunflower

run

chero

QUICKLY! in the opposite direction!

newenglandgirl

If HE wants to get back together with you, then how come it was YOU that got back in touch?

I don't say that to sound mean crrogers...but just to make you take a good look at his ACTIONS.

I'd trust that gut feeling of yours - with his record, I sure hope there were some legal reasons he went to rehab! If not, then our criminal justice system's even more messed up than I thought.

This guy's got some big time issues...he's an addict and a criminal (yes, that is what drunk drivers are...they don't care about hurting other people)...is that really what you want in a mate?

You set some boundaries...now is the time to "mean what you say"...don't back down.

I know, it's really hard sometimes! Trust me, I get lonely too.

chero

Remember guys, lonely is better than the chaos of living with an active A!

Mr. Christian

One year of being sober is a good change.
But it really sounds like train wreck.

mallowcup

Presto chango? Third DWI on 2 months, that's gotta be a record. No I wouldn't go see him. This man has no business being a relationship right now, he has alot to straighten out about his own self before he is in any remote position to take on a love relationship. I'm not at all understanding why he isn't in jail. He has no license and won't have one for a long time. He will have work issues and money issues and legal issues.
I agree with everyone else. Run.

LGLG07

I agree too . RUN like the wind Forrest !
He wants to get back with you because he has nobody else to drive to see him and he cant go anywhere . Sounds too manipulative to me . He comes with lots of baggage now , more so then when you left him and you couldnt take it then . Dont go see him . Hes not going anywhere so you can go see him anytime , the longer you wait , the more you'll see it will be a mistake .
jmo
Good Luck

best

How do you know when we have changed?

The opposite of knowing that we didn't change.
You know we are lieing because our lips are moving and you can see our negative behaviors. So...

When our lips stop moving and our actions start telling you who we are in a positive manner you will know that we are changing.

crrogers22

Thanks for the advice -- although I am lonely, I will take your advice and not let him move back in with me. I think having him commit to a year of sobriety will be a good start.

I think his not contacting me was due to the fact that he realizes that he has said he is sorry so much that those words mean nothing now. At least that is what he said tonight. He was always very loving towards me while we were together (except when drunk). Since he has been out of rehab he has nothing to do all day, so I can't see any reason why he wouldn't have called me except for the hopelessness that comes with realizing that you have burned all your bridges...

He isn't in jail because he hasn't gone to trial yet. His first DWI trial is this week. He is very well off (he just started drinking heavily after his mom was killed), so he has been able to pay for some good lawyers, but we shall see!

aztchr

More importantly, I knew I had changed!! (lost myself in his addiction)

I don't know if I'll ever REALLY know if my exabf changes. Too much time will be lost waiting.

Now I know I am in the process of changing again! (finding myself again without him and addiction)

WantsOut

hiya crrogers22, I feel some kinship because mine is awaiting sentencing on DWI #3, tho it took him 20 years to rack his up. Looks like mine is going to escape doing time and a big reason is because he's been going to rehab with urine testing. Of course alcohol metabolizes in 24-48 hours so they could easily drink on Friday and test clean on monday so don't be positive that testing clean means he is clean.

So you're right I'm sure - your ex is in rehab for court reasons. It might get him clean, but I wouldn't count on it. They're pretty hardcore drinkers by this age, you know? We're not talking about kids here. They're fully grown men who have really made a mess of their lives.

Of course people change every day. More stay the same.

Grasshopper

Hub drank for many years,.He has been in AA for a few years now.Thing was that my happiness,my decisions are not based on him and what he does or doesnt do.Its way to fickle if i hand over myself and what i want in anothers hands.This could have gone anyways.Who knows down the road,he may return to drink,or he may not.And if he does go back,will i be crying about years wasted?No,i accept him for who he is.When he made changes,good for him.Im focusing on my own recovery,and hands of his recovery.
Personally i dont listen or pay to much heed to folks who tell me to go or stay.They dont know God,s Plans for another.And this is where ive put my decisions,in God,s Hands,asking for His will in my life.Everyone told me to leave,for what they saw at the time was a hopeless,person.Today by Grace,my loved one is no longer hopeless.Pray...

Janitw

To stay or not to stay the ultimate question...

Right now he is dependent on you to do what he cant do for himself such as playing chauffer....this will be temporary...my husband came and went out of my life 8 times in 20 plus years and also the lives of his children...there is no bigger trauma to a child than to see their father walk out on the family and to actually watch him.....dont do this to yourself there are so many healthy men out there hun....find one - you only need one....so what is my input here..?? Run and run fast - do not walk - RUN...he will only drag you down with him and he will go down...its just a matter of time. JMHO

mallowcup

I guess I'd have to ask myself if it was love or need that made him pick up the phone to call you. He called to tell you what he needs from you. What you can do to HELP him, fix things for him, what you can provide for him.
What did he call to offer you? What contribution can he make to a relationship? It is tempting to fill that need and call it love.

dollydo

You can choose to jump off the garbage truck anytime, or, ride it all the way to the dump.

If it were me, I'd jump off now.

Sunflower

Stay strong!!

fluffyflea

You know they have changed when their actions change and everything around them has changed. Don't bother driving five hours to see him , he's just thinking of himself (again) and he'll just be using you again. That's what A's do.

Earthworm

Grace

I took mine back twice. I believed that he had changed. I believed that he went through anger management counseling. I believed that he loved me.
Now, I realize, after spending almost 15 years of my adult life, that
he didn't change and I had wasted too many precious years of my life hoping that he had.
This is just my experience!
I have left for the last time and am finally looking forward to a new life.

Good luck to you & God Bless!
Grace

Jazzman

It would be obvious, not subtle. And it would not happen overnight.

If your asking for what to look for... your probably not seeing any change.