Elana

What gives the addicts in our lives the right to abuse us? What gives them the right to lie to us, cheat on us, steal from us, manipulate us, and violate us in every manner?
Then they come back (mine has not.. yet) and we are supposed to take them back and continue on with the whole thing all over again.

This is abuse. It is flat out abuse. There is no other word for it.

We may have compassion. We may have forgiveness (shich is not forgetting). We may feel love. We may wish for a normal life that cannot happen.

We do not ever ever have to put up with the abuse of lies, shouting, manipulation, name calling and all the rest. We have rights and one of those is to not be abused on any level, emotionally or physically.

We have the right to happiness. We have rights.

Sunflower

yes we do and it is good you are starting to see the injustice of how you have been treated

Elana

If every lie or manipulation had been a slap or a punch I would have knocked his pins from under him and walked out at the get go (both x husband and XABF).

Somehow I always felt "obligated" to stay because he was "confused" and "needed my support." I "believed in him."

best

What gives them the right?

Who gives them the right would be the better question. Who not what.
When we figure out who gives others the ability to treat us poorly, we start to understand what boundaries are and what they are used for.

Blackrose2756

And that is why, even though I miss the man I fell in love with....I could no longer live with the "monster" he became. Funny, how crack turned a man I had known for years into something who I would never have chosen to be around. I would never even have gone into the neighborhood where he lives now.....because I am worth more than that.

I don't want to sound as if I'm better than someone else, but heck, yeah, I am better than those people who are mean, miserable & treat others with disrespect & violence.

Lynne

marle

Lynne, It is not about feeling like you are better as much as you wanting better for yourself. I always told my daughter when she was in high school and dated boys that were not good for her that "you can't bring a person up to your level, they will bring you down to theirs". That was before she succumbed to addiction. Now she is one of the people that I warned her about. I dated a cheater who when I look back on it was probably an alcoholic. When I decided I wanted better that was when the "creeps" stopped bothering me. Elana, no one has the right to treat you badly. But we get what we think that we deserve and when we stop treating ourselves badly that is when we start getting the things that we really deserve. There are times when I think how could my daughter do the things to me that she did and then I realize that I was playing the victim role. I could have said no, but I told myself that I wanted her to love me. Now I love myself too much to let her or anyone else take advantage of me. I realize that I have to give myself love first before I can expect other people to. Hugs, Marle

Wascally Wabbit

Actually they don't have the right to hit, or physically abuse you.
It's more about what we allow. I remember someone telling me that a man will only go as far as you let him. It's true.
I lived with a man who is serving a life sentance. I left him after 3 years of the worse kind of abuse. When I made the decision that I did not have to tolerate it, I left and never looked back. Good thing I did too, because physical abuse only gets worse. The abuse with him did get worse, thankfully I had woke up and got out. He became a serial rapist. His last victim was beaten nearly to death. Imagine if he had continued!
He is locked up for LIFE. Right where is belongs.

Lovestoomuch

I love what Best said above.

We teach others how we want to be treated. For years I allowed my exabf to treat me horribly. I had no boundaries and put up with all forms of abuse from him until one day I decided I'd had enough.

If someone treats me badly now.........I choose not to allow this person in my life. I choose to be treated with the respect I deserve.

hope213

yes we do & it is up to us not to let anybody miss treat us.i am taking care of me & i refuse to be treated any less than a queen. hugs,hope

GiveLove

Best said it best: WE give them the right. We hand it to them, wrapped in pretty paper, tied with a red ribbon cut from our own hearts, all in the name of "love"

Without our permission, they are powerless.

Me? I've had enough of that kind of "love" for one lifetime. So my personal Bill of Rights has had the whole "give it all away to your addict 'cuz you're going to die if you can't be with them" section ripped out and burned. Big 'ol hole where those pages used to be.

And that, for better or for worse, is one of the things my HP taught me through MY suffering

Have you ever seen the movie Little Miss Sunshine? There's a great part where Steve Carell is talking to his nephew Dwayne on a pier, and is telling him about the author Proust, how he'd had a terrible life, etc. He tells him "...so (Proust) gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, those were the best years of his life, because they made him who he was."

I watched that again last night and nodded through the whole scene. I didn't "get it" the first time, but I get it now.

Love and hugs to you, Elana

GiveLove

frankie_b

Best, you hit the nail on the head. When abusive behaviors are tolerated they continue. Each one of us can draw a line in the sand and quit being willing, martyred victims hoping for a change in the abuser whenever we choose. WE have the power to change, the power to choose, the power to set and keep healthy boundaries.

marteen

Yes, Best did say it best. And on top of the "who", there is the "what" - the drug of choice (DOC) gives them the power to do it and takes away the sense NOT to.

It's sort of like a double-edged sword.

thejunkyswife

That's one problem I have with the 12 step support I've been getting...it's helping me be stronger, but sometimes I think that it's making me feel like I've invested all this time and energy in being with someone who mistreats me. It's a tough life...and I think it's important to remember that this is a life we've chosen, and to try to keep making the best choice for ourselves that we can.

Good luck. I can just see the anger in your post. I hope you are taking care of yourself!

Marjatta

Hi Elana,

I know I haven't really met you yet (formally), but I hope you don't mind me adding in my thoughts.

I agree with all the wise posts of the others.

I also think that sometimes, when we allow the addict to get away with bad behaviour and abuse, we reinforce to them that it's okay and tolerable. When they're on a "high," they truly don't know or care about what is right or wrong. They just know that if you cross them, you automatically become the enemy.

You can still love your addict from afar. You can arrange interventions, have tearful reunions and attempt to "understand" what is going on in their heads.

The problem is that they likely don't even know what is going on in their own heads.

We don't owe the addict anything. The addict is only owed by what he hasn't yet learned to give to himself.

Great post.

Marjatta

Elana

The point of my post was to bring this to the front of discussion. I too, for years, thought it was my job to love my husband and support him at all costs. If I talked of leaving he would say, "I am an alcoholic. I have a disease. Would you leave if I had cancer? Would you leave if I had pneumonia? What about our wedding vows.. 'in sickness and in health, for better for worse, till death do us part?' "

I eventually left in the face of that kind of guilt.. after the animals were sold and I could leave (kids are more transportable than 72 cows and 50 youngstock!). I left because he was destroying himself and I was going down with him.. and I decided two lives on the wreck heap was one too many.

I read here every day and I got to thinking that what addicts do, in spite of the reason is abuse.

Yes, it isn't what gives them the right (as Best said) but who and the who is US.

I am no better than anyone here.. no better than any addict, recovering addict, codie, recovering codie, rich or poor or non codie.

I am just me with my relationship with God which I work on every day. I am just me with my relationship with myself. I am just me and at the end of my life I do not want to look back and realize the one person I did not take care of well was ME.

I read here of people being abused every day by their addicts and addiction and it makes me angry to see so much pain and suffering.. suffering I went through and came out the other side of.

I went through suffering because the people who caused it were invited to cause it by me. I have experienced suffering I will never again go through because I have too much value.

frankie_b

((( junkyswife ))) I did not recognize how the codie/addict dynamic in my relationship with AS was something I could change for the sake of my own well being until I found recovery.
I found the tools of detachment, boundaries and all the love and support I found in Alanon were the keys to living a better way.
You are building strength, courage and dignity each day. Good for you!
We all do the best we know and when we know better, we do better.
Hugs

newblue82

Elana, in response to your husband's blatant manipulation play on your heart, I would have responded, "I am your Wife. You vowed before God to love, cherish and honor me. I have not forgotten my vows as you seem to have forgotten yours. And as much as I love you, I love myself more. Ultimately, I answer to only one man and He is the only one to truly have my whole heart, devotion and commitment for He will never forsake me as you have forsaken me. He made a promise to me through his unbegotten Son that I SHALL have all that I ever want in life and more for He is always with me. I am never alone."

That may have been a touch too spiritual (I've recently been reborn. . .LOL) but in retrospect what I'm trying to say is that we often get so caught up in our addicts problem that we forget God does not want us to devote ourselves so much to any one person that we forget Him or ourselves. People depend so much on other people to fulfill their wants and needs and when they disappoint us it's easy to lose hope but people aren't perfect and they're not infallible. If God brings you to it then He'll bring you through it.

Remember to pray. Put your faith in Him and He'll take hold of your life and bring you to a better place. Look for the positive in tough experiences for they have made you a stronger, wiser person. They teach a valuable lesson.

Elana

I wasn't that religous at the time. Fact is, at that time in my life I wasn't even sure they was a god or Higher Power or anything.

Since lpening the door to God and to spirtuality, my life has gotten appreciabley (spelling?) better.

I sort of mix it up.. I do believe in God and I try to have faith in the rest. I also believe there is a Great Spirit who guides us thru nature, animals and the course of the seasons.

Uplate

Some one in Alanon told me once...."if you don't want to be the carpet then get off the floor".....hmm made alot of sense.. I got up off the floor...

Ps. this is a good book for self esteem.... and it is on ebay..

Why Men Love Bitches-- very helpful

Done_With_It

No one does it to you, we do it to ourselves through other people....

I am not saying this is about you, but many times this is not about the addict.
It's about security and familiarity. People, women and younger girls especially will put up with a lot for many reasons from addicts and non addicts as well.
It doesn't take an addict to cause abuse,

When you finally give up the need for security that's when you become secure.
Make your own laws or someone will make them for you.
Just things I've seen in my experience anyway.

Nothing gives anyone a right to abuse anyone, anytime, whatsoever.
Period, Amen....



I'm glad you are seeing/realizing you have these rights . (((((......))))))