My thoughts about today-the 25th anniversary of my marriage to EXAH.....
A work in progress....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
My thoughts about today-the 25th anniversary of my marriage to EXAH.....
Good afternoon ladies (and gentlemen),
I hope everyone is having a great weekend and doing something that YOU want to do, just because you can! *grin*
Today is the 25th anniversary of my marriage to EXAH, a thought that only briefly crossed my mind earlier. (Even though the divorce is far from final, in my head and in my heart he truly is my EX, so that is what I choose to call him.) The circumstances of our marriage were terrible, the 'wedding' was a joke, the honeymoon was a nightmare, and the marriage itself was miserable for me, so a very brief thought is all I care to have about it. To me, today is just Saturday.
Not so for EXAH apparently. Let the quacking has begin........
My oldest son just called me. He's the one that bought out our business, and the one that EXAH insists on putting in the middle of our divorce, even though he has repeatedly asked his dad to leave him out of it. EXAH just keeps going to the store and laying all manner of guilt and manipulation on the poor kid. This young man not only is trying to re-invent the business that his dad threw away, he works at UPS every weekday morning from 4am to 8am before working at the store from 10am to 8 pm, and his wife (who is a second year medical student) is 33 weeks pregnant! GRRRR!!!!!
Anyway, it seems dear old dad came in the store and gave him a four page 'anniversary' letter to me, which I find rather ironic in view of the 20 or so times he let it pass without so much as a kind word.......
As if that weren't enough, he asked my son to READ the stupid thing!! DS said that it was just (and I quote) "more of the same". He said he could literally hear his dad saying the words he had read. He said there are some parts, though, that appear to be 'from his heart' and that he was sure it 'took a lot of guts' for EXAH to write them.
My son is in no way advocating for a reconciliation; he understands better now than before what kind of mental crap I have been through. Being married, he understands that while I am sure that his dad 'loves' me in his own way, that his way is a way that I choose not to be loved anymore. It is a very self-serving, self-righteous, controlling and sick kind of love and I'm done with it.
I have spent lots of time in the last couple of weeks reading about emotional blackmail, non-physical abuse and controlling and manipulative men. I have decided that these behaviors are all a part of EXAH's character (or lack thereof) and were (are) present regardless of whether or not he is using. I know that he is an addict as well, but regardless of the choice he may make about seeking recovery from his addiction, those other aspects of his character will remain.
I'm sorry for him, because he lives in such darkness. But I choose to live in the light from now on.
I feel free, peaceful, and hopeful about the future. I am excited about what my life is becoming. I love getting up in the morning, and I choose to make the most of each day. I am still learning to be comfortable with these new-found feelings, but I am learning just the same.
I want to say thank you to all here who welcomed me with open arms last year, who shared your hearts with me, and who taught me to understand that the only person I can control is myself. I am forever grateful to you all!
Now I'm going to go get that puppy I told you about!! Pictures to follow.......
Love yas!
I hope everyone is having a great weekend and doing something that YOU want to do, just because you can! *grin*
Today is the 25th anniversary of my marriage to EXAH, a thought that only briefly crossed my mind earlier. (Even though the divorce is far from final, in my head and in my heart he truly is my EX, so that is what I choose to call him.) The circumstances of our marriage were terrible, the 'wedding' was a joke, the honeymoon was a nightmare, and the marriage itself was miserable for me, so a very brief thought is all I care to have about it. To me, today is just Saturday.
Not so for EXAH apparently. Let the quacking has begin........
My oldest son just called me. He's the one that bought out our business, and the one that EXAH insists on putting in the middle of our divorce, even though he has repeatedly asked his dad to leave him out of it. EXAH just keeps going to the store and laying all manner of guilt and manipulation on the poor kid. This young man not only is trying to re-invent the business that his dad threw away, he works at UPS every weekday morning from 4am to 8am before working at the store from 10am to 8 pm, and his wife (who is a second year medical student) is 33 weeks pregnant! GRRRR!!!!!
Anyway, it seems dear old dad came in the store and gave him a four page 'anniversary' letter to me, which I find rather ironic in view of the 20 or so times he let it pass without so much as a kind word.......
As if that weren't enough, he asked my son to READ the stupid thing!! DS said that it was just (and I quote) "more of the same". He said he could literally hear his dad saying the words he had read. He said there are some parts, though, that appear to be 'from his heart' and that he was sure it 'took a lot of guts' for EXAH to write them.
My son is in no way advocating for a reconciliation; he understands better now than before what kind of mental crap I have been through. Being married, he understands that while I am sure that his dad 'loves' me in his own way, that his way is a way that I choose not to be loved anymore. It is a very self-serving, self-righteous, controlling and sick kind of love and I'm done with it.
I have spent lots of time in the last couple of weeks reading about emotional blackmail, non-physical abuse and controlling and manipulative men. I have decided that these behaviors are all a part of EXAH's character (or lack thereof) and were (are) present regardless of whether or not he is using. I know that he is an addict as well, but regardless of the choice he may make about seeking recovery from his addiction, those other aspects of his character will remain.
I'm sorry for him, because he lives in such darkness. But I choose to live in the light from now on.
I feel free, peaceful, and hopeful about the future. I am excited about what my life is becoming. I love getting up in the morning, and I choose to make the most of each day. I am still learning to be comfortable with these new-found feelings, but I am learning just the same.
I want to say thank you to all here who welcomed me with open arms last year, who shared your hearts with me, and who taught me to understand that the only person I can control is myself. I am forever grateful to you all!
Now I'm going to go get that puppy I told you about!! Pictures to follow.......
Love yas!
Last edited by duet_4-8; 04-21-2007 at 12:14 PM.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Jen
A divorce is like a death and we need grieve the same way.
It was my 25th when I woke up and started doing what is right and we stopped the divorce. It can happen.
I would caution though... His actions and only his actions....Over Time...should be your guide. We can change and we are the ones who need prove it to others (you) that we can. Our proof will be our actions.
Knowing what I put my own wife through and her feelings on our anniversaries till I changed...If I may...
A *HUGE HUG* from my heart. I am sorry to see you need go through such.
A divorce is like a death and we need grieve the same way.
It was my 25th when I woke up and started doing what is right and we stopped the divorce. It can happen.
I would caution though... His actions and only his actions....Over Time...should be your guide. We can change and we are the ones who need prove it to others (you) that we can. Our proof will be our actions.
Knowing what I put my own wife through and her feelings on our anniversaries till I changed...If I may...
A *HUGE HUG* from my heart. I am sorry to see you need go through such.
A work in progress....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
((best))I am very happy for you, and for your wife, that the two of you were able to climb the mountain and come down the other side together! Congratulations on your recovery!
You're right, it is like a death and one does have to grieve. I spent most of 2006 grieving for the death of my marriage; I was in denial, I was angry, I tried to control and change it (bargaining??), I was depressed about it. Now I believe with all my heart that I have reached acceptance. I am ready to move on.
I was looking for a change in his actions right up until we seperated and for several weeks after that. None came. I heard the words "I have changed" but his behavior told me otherwise. He talks a great game, but that's all it is. A game.
I know that there are truly no lost causes, because God can and does do miracles every day. I pray that EXAH will let God heal him. He has three sons who love him but can't bear to be around him. It's very sad.
At the same time, I honestly believe that the miracle that God has done for me is giving me my life back after so many years of what felt like, and in many ways was, imprisonment.
(((HUGE HUGS back atcha!)))))
Originally Posted by best 
A divorce is like a death and we need grieve the same way.
I was looking for a change in his actions right up until we seperated and for several weeks after that. None came. I heard the words "I have changed" but his behavior told me otherwise. He talks a great game, but that's all it is. A game.
I know that there are truly no lost causes, because God can and does do miracles every day. I pray that EXAH will let God heal him. He has three sons who love him but can't bear to be around him. It's very sad.
At the same time, I honestly believe that the miracle that God has done for me is giving me my life back after so many years of what felt like, and in many ways was, imprisonment.
(((HUGE HUGS back atcha!)))))
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
You are doing great with your "moving forward" part and you should embrace it and allow yourself to be whatever you want to be whenever you want.
Too bad your son just can't tell him, "No, I am not going to be in the middle. I am NOT listening." and leave it at that. It's a shame that he is being put in that position by your ex but at least he realizes that it's futile.
Hang in there. Eventually, if no one listens, your ex will get the message.
Hugs,
Too bad your son just can't tell him, "No, I am not going to be in the middle. I am NOT listening." and leave it at that. It's a shame that he is being put in that position by your ex but at least he realizes that it's futile.
Hang in there. Eventually, if no one listens, your ex will get the message.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
sounds as if you are doing so good.you sound as if you are working your recovery & doing good stuff for you. i am so glad. i am looking forward of seeing the pictures of your puppy.that is a great present to give yourself.hugs,
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