Sponsor Problems
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Powder Springs, GA
Posts: 31
Sponsor Problems
I posted this in the "Men's Room" but considering I'm only four month in, I thought this was a more relevant place to post it.
I recently ran into a problem with my sponsor.
I was wanting to hand off my first step (N.A.) and called him up and asked him when was a good time.
He asked me to help him move into his new house and hang out for a bit and we'd go over the step.
Well I didn't feel like doing that so I came up with an excuse not to do that. I just didn't feel comfortable. So I said well maybe next weekend.
So I called him up the Wednesday before the next Saturday and asked him if Saturday was going to be good for him.
He, again, asked me to do something for him. He said, "come over and help paint my house. There's gonna be 5 or 6 of us over here and then we can go over the step."
Well, my girlfriend threw a fit. She's been in program for six years now and said, "hell no!! you need to stay home and paint our house!!"
Well, I felt like I needed to share about it. I called my sponsor, he said she was trying to control me. So, I went into a meeting and shared it there. Three people told me that my sponsor shouldn't be asking me to do anything.
So I talked to my higher power about it, and thought about it for a long time. I thought, "they're right, my sponsor shouldn't be doing that to me".
At first I was pissed off. I felt like I'd been duped by my sponsor. I called him up and left him a message and in a very polite way said, "I've got a few people telling me that you shouldn't be asking me to do anything for you. I don't feel comfortable working it like that and maybe when you don't have anything else going on we can go over the step one-on-one without any distractions."
So he calls me back and I felt like he was being kind of confrontational about it. So I just let it go and said I don't feel comfortable working it like that and left it at that.
This isn't resolved yet and I feel like I should tell him the truth about how I don't think it was cool that he was trying to work me for free labor.
I haven't talked to him in about two weeks because I'm not sure I trust myself not to take his inventory.
Any suggestions on this would be much appreciated and much apologies for the lengthy post.
I recently ran into a problem with my sponsor.
I was wanting to hand off my first step (N.A.) and called him up and asked him when was a good time.
He asked me to help him move into his new house and hang out for a bit and we'd go over the step.
Well I didn't feel like doing that so I came up with an excuse not to do that. I just didn't feel comfortable. So I said well maybe next weekend.
So I called him up the Wednesday before the next Saturday and asked him if Saturday was going to be good for him.
He, again, asked me to do something for him. He said, "come over and help paint my house. There's gonna be 5 or 6 of us over here and then we can go over the step."
Well, my girlfriend threw a fit. She's been in program for six years now and said, "hell no!! you need to stay home and paint our house!!"
Well, I felt like I needed to share about it. I called my sponsor, he said she was trying to control me. So, I went into a meeting and shared it there. Three people told me that my sponsor shouldn't be asking me to do anything.
So I talked to my higher power about it, and thought about it for a long time. I thought, "they're right, my sponsor shouldn't be doing that to me".
At first I was pissed off. I felt like I'd been duped by my sponsor. I called him up and left him a message and in a very polite way said, "I've got a few people telling me that you shouldn't be asking me to do anything for you. I don't feel comfortable working it like that and maybe when you don't have anything else going on we can go over the step one-on-one without any distractions."
So he calls me back and I felt like he was being kind of confrontational about it. So I just let it go and said I don't feel comfortable working it like that and left it at that.
This isn't resolved yet and I feel like I should tell him the truth about how I don't think it was cool that he was trying to work me for free labor.
I haven't talked to him in about two weeks because I'm not sure I trust myself not to take his inventory.
Any suggestions on this would be much appreciated and much apologies for the lengthy post.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
simply call him or even better see him and tell him how you feel, let the rest go. See how that turns out.
You can alwasy get another member you trust, has done the steps and has clean time up to do this step with you.
Lastly, if all else fails get another sponsor, this is after you have talked to him and got a response and you have been direct and honest.
Kevin
You can alwasy get another member you trust, has done the steps and has clean time up to do this step with you.
Lastly, if all else fails get another sponsor, this is after you have talked to him and got a response and you have been direct and honest.
Kevin
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hey, Mr -
I agree with Kevin.
Sometimes, a person and a sponsor just don't 'click'.
I hear about it all the time.
It may have been a 'hang out in friendship' offer, maybe not. Either way, it's not worth a resentment. From what you already wrote - there's obviously a communication thing. Something to p&M over.
Decide after P&M, I'd say.
Also, in recovery, one thing we can pretty much bank on is what we are perceiving is 'probably' not what is really going on...
I agree with Kevin.
Sometimes, a person and a sponsor just don't 'click'.
I hear about it all the time.
It may have been a 'hang out in friendship' offer, maybe not. Either way, it's not worth a resentment. From what you already wrote - there's obviously a communication thing. Something to p&M over.
Decide after P&M, I'd say.
Also, in recovery, one thing we can pretty much bank on is what we are perceiving is 'probably' not what is really going on...
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Barb hit the nail on the head.
No where is it written that when we ask someone to sponsor us that they will be our sponsor for life.
Some of us are lucky and get a great sponsor the first time, some of us have to do a bit of trial and error.
Sounds like this man had heard Clancy I. speak. This is Clancy's way of sponsoring, to see if the new sponsee follows directions, and then by about 6 months, he just works the steps with them and they don't have to clean the dog do-do in his back yard or help with lawn work anymore.
I personally have never sponsored that way and never would. Now my sponsor, when I was new in recovery, had no regualar job yet, doing odd jobs here and there, did ask me if I wanted to clean her house weekly and get paid for it. I jumped at it, (she kept her house spotless, there was never much cleaning involved) and we would talk and take breaks throughout the day and she would work with me, (usually it was some special project, re-doing a closet etc) and at the end of the day, would not only have fed me lunch, and given me all the coffee I wanted to drink, but paid me a fair wage for the 8 hours.
You have the right to quietly let him know how you feel, that his actions hurt you and made you feel that all he wanted from you was some free labor. If he cannot accept your statements, without having to argue about them or become confrontational, then I would STRONGLY SUGGEST you get a different sponsor.
J M H O
Welcome to Sober Recovery, and welcome to Living In Recovery. It is really a great way to live. I know, I've been living it now for almost 26 years.
Love and hugs,
No where is it written that when we ask someone to sponsor us that they will be our sponsor for life.
Some of us are lucky and get a great sponsor the first time, some of us have to do a bit of trial and error.
Sounds like this man had heard Clancy I. speak. This is Clancy's way of sponsoring, to see if the new sponsee follows directions, and then by about 6 months, he just works the steps with them and they don't have to clean the dog do-do in his back yard or help with lawn work anymore.
I personally have never sponsored that way and never would. Now my sponsor, when I was new in recovery, had no regualar job yet, doing odd jobs here and there, did ask me if I wanted to clean her house weekly and get paid for it. I jumped at it, (she kept her house spotless, there was never much cleaning involved) and we would talk and take breaks throughout the day and she would work with me, (usually it was some special project, re-doing a closet etc) and at the end of the day, would not only have fed me lunch, and given me all the coffee I wanted to drink, but paid me a fair wage for the 8 hours.
You have the right to quietly let him know how you feel, that his actions hurt you and made you feel that all he wanted from you was some free labor. If he cannot accept your statements, without having to argue about them or become confrontational, then I would STRONGLY SUGGEST you get a different sponsor.
J M H O
Welcome to Sober Recovery, and welcome to Living In Recovery. It is really a great way to live. I know, I've been living it now for almost 26 years.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi!
Thanks for sharing your situation. It helps all of us to become healthier and better able to sponsor others when many perspectives are aired.
From what you said to him:
"I've got a few people telling me that you shouldn't be asking me to do anything for you. I don't feel comfortable working it like that and maybe when you don't have anything else going on we can go over the step one-on-one without any distractions."
here is what I think is the clearest message:
"when you don't have anything else going on we can go over the step one-on-one without any distractions."[/ That is really ALL that needed to be said.
To say, "I've got a few people telling me that you shouldn't be asking me to do anything for you." is a veiled threat; of exposing his misconduct to the NA Sponsor Police or whatever he felt threatened enough to defend himself against.
It is not nescessary (or productive to your goal) to mention that other people are advising you about his method of sponsoring you, which, as you learned,engaged his defenses.
Why not? Because inside, you know it is not correct behaviour for your sponsor to manipulate you for his labor needs.
"I don't feel comfortable working it like that" is also good to say.
For your own recovery, if it were me, I would check in with myself and see what my needs are in this situation, and if they are not being met, to learn to communicate them directly and with a cleanness to my statements. Less people involved. Mano a mano.
Thanks for sharing your situation. It helps all of us to become healthier and better able to sponsor others when many perspectives are aired.
From what you said to him:
"I've got a few people telling me that you shouldn't be asking me to do anything for you. I don't feel comfortable working it like that and maybe when you don't have anything else going on we can go over the step one-on-one without any distractions."
here is what I think is the clearest message:
"when you don't have anything else going on we can go over the step one-on-one without any distractions."[/ That is really ALL that needed to be said.
To say, "I've got a few people telling me that you shouldn't be asking me to do anything for you." is a veiled threat; of exposing his misconduct to the NA Sponsor Police or whatever he felt threatened enough to defend himself against.
It is not nescessary (or productive to your goal) to mention that other people are advising you about his method of sponsoring you, which, as you learned,engaged his defenses.
Why not? Because inside, you know it is not correct behaviour for your sponsor to manipulate you for his labor needs.
"I don't feel comfortable working it like that" is also good to say.
For your own recovery, if it were me, I would check in with myself and see what my needs are in this situation, and if they are not being met, to learn to communicate them directly and with a cleanness to my statements. Less people involved. Mano a mano.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
