Disappointed in ME
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Disappointed in ME
It has been over 6 months since XABF left and I have been doing well. Not having him here and not haing any contact is really good. No contact helped me work through my anger and has moved me forward I think.
However, the more I learn "what addicts do" the more I realize he was just such an addict and it was just so ingrained in him to do certain behaviors such as lying, cheating, being self centered, saying cruel things etc etc. The list seems to be endless.
and there are those times when I admit I do miss him still... God forgive me!
I think that for so long after he left, and to this day, I am just amazed at how much addict behavior he displayed. I just can't believe it and sometimes am shocked that I still sometimes am on the banks of the river Denial!
What I am having a hard time getting past is that I was so buffaloed.. that I was in a relationship with this guy at all. I am so disappointed in ME for having let this happen. I really honestly did not know he was an addict for all that time.. and reading here I should have!!!!
I guess I am just trying to get past this self disappointment so I am talking to all of you. I find myself shaking my head sometimes as I think of the stuff this guy pulled.. and then I think past it to not ever letting anyone fool me like that again. The entire relationshipw, with the excpetion of photography, was a lie.
He used to say there was a sucker born every minute... I never realized he was referring to me.
I am sure my HP had a reason for this guy to be in my life. I do not know what that reason is yet.
However, the more I learn "what addicts do" the more I realize he was just such an addict and it was just so ingrained in him to do certain behaviors such as lying, cheating, being self centered, saying cruel things etc etc. The list seems to be endless.
and there are those times when I admit I do miss him still... God forgive me!
I think that for so long after he left, and to this day, I am just amazed at how much addict behavior he displayed. I just can't believe it and sometimes am shocked that I still sometimes am on the banks of the river Denial!
What I am having a hard time getting past is that I was so buffaloed.. that I was in a relationship with this guy at all. I am so disappointed in ME for having let this happen. I really honestly did not know he was an addict for all that time.. and reading here I should have!!!!
I guess I am just trying to get past this self disappointment so I am talking to all of you. I find myself shaking my head sometimes as I think of the stuff this guy pulled.. and then I think past it to not ever letting anyone fool me like that again. The entire relationshipw, with the excpetion of photography, was a lie.
He used to say there was a sucker born every minute... I never realized he was referring to me.
I am sure my HP had a reason for this guy to be in my life. I do not know what that reason is yet.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
There's no need to be disappointed in yourself Elana. I once felt like a complete bafoon. Not only was my ex doing cocaine.........so was every single one of our friends......people we saw and hung out with daily!! I never knew. I was surrounded by addicts on every level and had no clue!!! I lost everyone I ever cared for in one messy little swoop. Addicts can be good like that and we as non-addicts..........how are we supposed to know those things having never exposed ourselves to it?? No need to ever second guess your intelligence on the subject matter of addiction. I for one find you very intelligent. Someone hiding his or her addiction, and our love for them has a way of keeping us in the dark to what is truly going on.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Elana~
I, too, kick myself for my "weak" behaviors. How I waded around in the denial of my bf's usage that was so clearly slapping me in the face.
Please try not to beat yourself up over your past mistakes- things that we cannot undo. It's hard to accept that which we are ashamed of, but I truly believe it is essential in fully moving forward. Self-forgiveness is a very difficult thing. We berate ourselves for not seeing the light sooner, for accepting and tolerating any of that treatment in the first place. I suppose that forgiveness is a vital part of self-care. Allowing ourselves to make mistakes, to be human. The error lies in HIM, not in YOU. Most good people want to believe that there is an innate goodness in all other humans.
I, too, kick myself for my "weak" behaviors. How I waded around in the denial of my bf's usage that was so clearly slapping me in the face.
Please try not to beat yourself up over your past mistakes- things that we cannot undo. It's hard to accept that which we are ashamed of, but I truly believe it is essential in fully moving forward. Self-forgiveness is a very difficult thing. We berate ourselves for not seeing the light sooner, for accepting and tolerating any of that treatment in the first place. I suppose that forgiveness is a vital part of self-care. Allowing ourselves to make mistakes, to be human. The error lies in HIM, not in YOU. Most good people want to believe that there is an innate goodness in all other humans.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
I'm the opposite. I knew my ex was a little boy...so I knew him before addiction. And when he walked back into my life...he had been clean & sober 3 years....so it was a "wonderful" change for me. We had everything we both wanted....love, trust, understanding, communication....a mature, adult relationship. I knew nothing about crack, but did know addiction. But I loved him so much & things we SO good when he was clean & sober....I kept "hoping & wishing...he'd get clean again...heck, he did it once". I also believe that in some cases there was a person inside who loved you. I have "letter from your addict" that talks about that. You were stupid. You were caring, loving, giving & hoped that he felt the same. "You did the best you could at the time." That helped the when I left my 1st husband, before I knew all about addiction.
Give yourself a break. Give yourself some time.
Lynne
Give yourself a break. Give yourself some time.
Lynne
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
DOnt beat yourself up I take a row down that river almost every day. Today I just want to jump in and drown him because while Im on a boat looking in his swimming in it that river denial comes out his pores
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
we all take these shots in life---find some comfort in knowing he was sick--not you--although he did make you sick in a way to----Do not let this make you grow cold in relationships in the future--there is someone out there for you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Elana 
I am sure my HP had a reason for this guy to be in my life. I do not know what that reason is yet.
Elana,
So sorry you're having these feelings....well....with the exception of the above. This is a GOOD thing to think about.
Don't be disappointed in yourself. Remember this quote (I think it's Julia Cameron): We are all doing the best we can, given the light we have to see by at the time.
You did your best, with the light (knowledge...intuition...) you had to guide you at the time, and though some bad things happened you have survived it well.
Now back to the thing I quoted above. Have you written about this? I guarantee you, with every cell in my body, that when you wake up one day and realize the answer to this riddle, you will feel as though you have shed a thousand pounds of chains, and are rising up into the atmosphere! If your HP is anything like my HP, there IS a reason, there is ALWAYS a reason, and you will find it when it's time. Love has reasons that reason cannot understand.
In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. Look to your feelings of missing him, and let them tell you what you are hoping to have more of in your life.
Forgive you. And take care of you.
Love,
GiveLove
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sometimes when you are in the middle of it you "can't see the forest for the trees". I know that even though I found drugs in my daughter's apron pocket a couple of times, I still could not fathom her using. I believed her when she told me they were not hers. Hindsight is 20/20 and you are looking back with all the facts in front of you. You need to forgive yourself. We are all human and that means that we all make mistakes. You loved him, it was not your fault that he was dishonest. You did the best you could at the time. Now you know better and you will do better. I love that saying because it is so true and sometimes we forget that in the past we were in a totally different place. You have learned a lesson. You have learned that living with an addict is not what you want. Hugs, Marle
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Thanks to all. Yes.. I am looking with 20-20 hindsight. Amazing how smart we are with that view.
This man taught me photography.. and how to navigate across the country.. and some how some way I think those two things are part f my future... and in some ways I believe the reason will be revealed.
He also taught me to dole my trust out sparingly...
I sometimes feel as tho I have some sort of destiny I am supposed to follow and it has to do with art (painting or photography or both) and horses and the land.... maybe a Native American tie.. I just get hints here and there.
There is something in my own spirit I have yet to discover I think.
This man taught me photography.. and how to navigate across the country.. and some how some way I think those two things are part f my future... and in some ways I believe the reason will be revealed.
He also taught me to dole my trust out sparingly...
I sometimes feel as tho I have some sort of destiny I am supposed to follow and it has to do with art (painting or photography or both) and horses and the land.... maybe a Native American tie.. I just get hints here and there.
There is something in my own spirit I have yet to discover I think.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Elana, I know that feeling, like there is something out there calling you. I believe mine has to do with animals, but not sure what yet. Listen to your inner voice. It is speaking to you for a reason. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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We;ve all been suckers. It's what we learn from these relationships that makes our lives better and stronger.
Hind sight really clears up a lot of things we couldn't see while we were right in the middle of it all.
I am glad you're doing so much better.
Hind sight really clears up a lot of things we couldn't see while we were right in the middle of it all.
I am glad you're doing so much better.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Elana, GiveLove jumped in with that quote...I had it all copied, then scrowled down and saw her...She beat me to it this time, lol!
You will know when you know, but if someone asked me what I thought HP may have in mind right this moment. a big part of it would be all you have learned about yourself; how you have grown and how much you give of yourself to help others here each and every day!
No beating yourself up...put your arms around yourself, pat yourself on the back then give yourself a big hug...you've come so far and given back so much in such a short time. Here's some big hugs from me too!
You will know when you know, but if someone asked me what I thought HP may have in mind right this moment. a big part of it would be all you have learned about yourself; how you have grown and how much you give of yourself to help others here each and every day!
No beating yourself up...put your arms around yourself, pat yourself on the back then give yourself a big hug...you've come so far and given back so much in such a short time. Here's some big hugs from me too!
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thanks again.
Today my HP has me finishing the deck stripping (nothing like the strip tease let me tell ya!).. and I have the garden fence and debris in the garden from the recent flood of 2007 (soon to be the garden and fence project of 2007).
This is followed by the Dog Fence Project (posts in; fence is still in two rolls and clips ar in the cab of the truck). Want these done b4 I go away on Aprile 30th thru the 9th with my Mom (taking here to the Grand Canyon and the Southwest).
Taking care of my property ultimately retains its value and is taking care of ME, tho it is deamnding at times!
What I am doing for me when I get back is to get a dog and start to train the dog.. and somewhere in the summer I am going to take a quiet few days for solitude and meditation. I need that. Somwhere on a stream with my fishing rod where I may fish or I may just sit and enjoy the look of the water and think long lazy thoughts and enjoy my solitude.
Today my HP has me finishing the deck stripping (nothing like the strip tease let me tell ya!).. and I have the garden fence and debris in the garden from the recent flood of 2007 (soon to be the garden and fence project of 2007).
This is followed by the Dog Fence Project (posts in; fence is still in two rolls and clips ar in the cab of the truck). Want these done b4 I go away on Aprile 30th thru the 9th with my Mom (taking here to the Grand Canyon and the Southwest).
Taking care of my property ultimately retains its value and is taking care of ME, tho it is deamnding at times!
What I am doing for me when I get back is to get a dog and start to train the dog.. and somewhere in the summer I am going to take a quiet few days for solitude and meditation. I need that. Somwhere on a stream with my fishing rod where I may fish or I may just sit and enjoy the look of the water and think long lazy thoughts and enjoy my solitude.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think maybe its time for you to forgive yourself now. you did no more than the normal person who loves an addict. your human elana, and youre loving, caring and understanding, what else could you have done, you didn't know. a lot of us didn't know at first, and when we did know we began to do better, just like you did.
i think still that maybe his actions was not so much him tring to mistreat and use you, but he's an addict, and he only did what addicts do. i pray that soon you will be able to forgive yourself. you're ok elana and i think that you are doing so good in your recovery. just my 2cents
i think still that maybe his actions was not so much him tring to mistreat and use you, but he's an addict, and he only did what addicts do. i pray that soon you will be able to forgive yourself. you're ok elana and i think that you are doing so good in your recovery. just my 2cents
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
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Elana,
Don't beat yourself up. You did the best you could do at the time. We all have to learn and we "get it" when we're supposed to get it.
I don't know why your HP has you where you are in your life, but I do know that in everything there is a lesson. So I try to ask myself just what it is my HP is trying to teach me or show me.
If you don't already know this, statistics show that women who are attracted to alcoholic/addicted men will usually repeat that kind of relationship if they do not educate themselves and see why they are drawn to that type. That might be your lesson, Elana, for you to have learned the signs and behavior of an addicted man so that you can ward off this type of relationship happening again. Just a thought.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Don't beat yourself up. You did the best you could do at the time. We all have to learn and we "get it" when we're supposed to get it.
I don't know why your HP has you where you are in your life, but I do know that in everything there is a lesson. So I try to ask myself just what it is my HP is trying to teach me or show me.
If you don't already know this, statistics show that women who are attracted to alcoholic/addicted men will usually repeat that kind of relationship if they do not educate themselves and see why they are drawn to that type. That might be your lesson, Elana, for you to have learned the signs and behavior of an addicted man so that you can ward off this type of relationship happening again. Just a thought.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
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Originally Posted by Marjatta
That is one of the most inspiring lines I have heard in a long time. Thank you for that, Elana. 
Marjatta
Marjatta
Absolutely. I think that search for and discovery of the essence of our spirit is the most amazing part of recovery.
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Eugene, Oregon
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Hello All, I too had a sexy and smart boyfriend that I thought was my very good friend and soul friend. Unfortunatly, I found out he cheated on me... then while he was using cheated with many women. I ended up staying with him because he almost died. I went through hell with him and stuck it out hoping he would get better only to bump into him with yet another woman. I knew then my angels were protecting me. He has called me for over 1 1/2 years and I have recently started talking to him again. He seems to have a new girlfriend however, he is continually calling me. For some weird reason. ....( I keep thinking he is normal again)....He asked me to come to his house. ..There are love notes from a girl all over his house yet he was trying to get me to sleep with him. I said No... You have love notes from a woman all over your house. Why would you treat her the way you treated me? I told him I would not treat another woman that way.
He is still also blaming me for our violatile relationship and my closed heart. "Yes I close my heart when someone continuously cheats, calls me names,and yells.
So now with this new girl... he has a drama free relationship. Wow... that is amazing. I guess she hasn't found out yet he is calling me and trying to get me to sleep with him. Maybe the yelling and abuse hasn't started yet? Maybe the name calling hasn't started yet....
Help me out here.....??
I am a fun girl and have lots of friends.... he seems to have no recollection of my kindness......or helping him out while he was high on crack.
Or that I had any feelings for him..... I don't really understand why I put up with any of this either ...He is really convincing and really...charasmatic.
I am not sure why I care.... Is is still calling non stop.....
wow... J
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He is still also blaming me for our violatile relationship and my closed heart. "Yes I close my heart when someone continuously cheats, calls me names,and yells.
So now with this new girl... he has a drama free relationship. Wow... that is amazing. I guess she hasn't found out yet he is calling me and trying to get me to sleep with him. Maybe the yelling and abuse hasn't started yet? Maybe the name calling hasn't started yet....
Help me out here.....??
I am a fun girl and have lots of friends.... he seems to have no recollection of my kindness......or helping him out while he was high on crack.
Or that I had any feelings for him..... I don't really understand why I put up with any of this either ...He is really convincing and really...charasmatic.
I am not sure why I care.... Is is still calling non stop.....
wow... J
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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uplate,
Sounds like you dodged a bullet with that one. What a slimeball.
It's too bad for her that she can't see what you see.
I've been through similar....charismatic, brilliant XABF found a relationship where "he was no longer judged" (translation: she worships him, takes whatever he dishes out, and stays even though he's unfaithful and addicted)
What-everrrrrrrr.
You are lucky to be away from that horrible dishonesty and abuse.
Unsolicited advice from me: don't be part of his stupid games any more. Tell him to stop calling you and block his calls if you're ready to move onto relationships that aren't so sick.
Happy to have you here with us!!
GiveLove
Sounds like you dodged a bullet with that one. What a slimeball.
It's too bad for her that she can't see what you see.
I've been through similar....charismatic, brilliant XABF found a relationship where "he was no longer judged" (translation: she worships him, takes whatever he dishes out, and stays even though he's unfaithful and addicted)
What-everrrrrrrr.
You are lucky to be away from that horrible dishonesty and abuse.
Unsolicited advice from me: don't be part of his stupid games any more. Tell him to stop calling you and block his calls if you're ready to move onto relationships that aren't so sick.
Happy to have you here with us!!
GiveLove
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