Handling her emotions - or lack thereof

Old 04-20-2007, 07:15 AM
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Handling her emotions - or lack thereof

So my RAGF openly admits to struggling with feeling and being able to express her emotions, as she covered them up for nine years by way of the bottle.

It's funny - during the day, when we're apart, she'll send me cute little text messages telling me how much she loves me, but then when we're together, I feel like I have to fight for any affection I can get from her.

I know she loves me, but sometimes the way she is makes me feel like I'm unwanted, or at the very least, she's indifferent to the fact that I'm around her.

What makes this more difficult, and I know I sound like a complete idiot for saying this, but the ONLY thing in her life she's able to openly be loving towards on a regular basis is her dog. She treats that dog like royalty, showers it with affection, and then openly flaunts the fact to my face that she's able to be affectionate with the dog but not with me or her daughter. I woke up this morning around 4am, turned over to put my arm around her, and guess what I find...the dog laying right between us, under the blankets. Once the dog knew I was awake, she started fidgeting and pushing back against me, and making it tough for me to go back to sleep. Now, I don't care that the dog was in the bed - it happens from time to time. But instead of making a big fuss over trying to get the dog out of the bed, which would have woken her up too, I just got up and went downstairs, started my coffee for the morning, and then laid down and watched the news for the hour before it was time to get ready for work.

I honestly wasn't mad...I just wasn't going to get back to sleep. But then she made a big deal over it when she got up, saying that I'm acting like I'm jealous of the dog, and that the dog was there sleeping in the bed long before I ever came around, so sometimes she likes to get up onto the bed and sleep next to her...blah blah blah...you should have just gotten her off the bed...blah blah blah...

When really, the only reason I got up was so that I didn't wake her up in trying to get the dog off the bed to begin with, because this is the end of her first week back to work, and she's been really tired in adjusting to her new schedule.

Maybe it's silly, but I guess in certain ways I AM a bit jealous of the affection she's willing to shower the dog with, but not me - the man she says she loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with. I know that learning to feel and express her emotions again are part of the recovery process, but it's still hurtful - especially because a month and a half ago, she was extremely affectionate towards me, and would run and jump into my arms when I showed up for the first time of the day...

I guess I miss that, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get that back.
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Old 04-20-2007, 07:20 AM
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can you get any marriage counseling? or maybe just private counseling for you, if she's not ready? blessings, k
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Old 04-20-2007, 07:22 AM
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She's in counseling, and that's one of the issues she's dealing with, because like I said - it's not just me she's unemotional or unaffectionate with, but also her daughter. I think part of the problem lately is that she hasn't been able to go for the past couple of weeks because her therapist is on vacation. She starts going back this coming week - so hopefully things will turn around.
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Old 04-20-2007, 07:26 AM
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whewww....i sure understand how you are feeling.

are you in a recovery program, yourself?

when they get sober, it's just as tough as when they were drinking....at least it was in my marriage. i had a whole new person in front of me who was sober, and i only knew how to interact with a drunk person.

course, his state of mind seemed as if he had just woken from a coma and had to re-learn even the most of life's basic fundamentals.

it was tough. i couldn't expect him to give me the support i needed, cause honestly, he could barely find his own butt with both hands.

after all the years of alcoholic chaos with him, i needed a lot of healing. he was incapable of giving it or helping me find it....he could barely take care of himself, let alone someonelses needs or heart.

i had to take care of myself and give myself what i needed, with the help of a support group. he was doing all he could do just to be sober.

good luck
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Old 04-20-2007, 07:35 AM
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I understand her affection for her dog. It is the only source of unconditional love. I love my dog to smithereens. Who else greets you with a wagging tale and has waited just to see YOU. It makes more sense than we think.
The relationship with our animals is predictable. We get back what we give. That feels very good.
That feels very very good.
I would fill the house with dogs and I'd sit right in the middle of them. I think sometimes we can take what we know and accept it. I got our dog a dog.
He needed a friend and filling the hosue with that kind of energy is healing.
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Old 04-20-2007, 07:36 AM
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Well, I've started attending al-anon meetings...but I'm a "normie," so I personally am not in any true recovery program.

You see, for me, it was different...when she was drunk, that's when I didn't know how to interact with her - now that she's been sober for six months, she's generally an awesome person.

I know another part of it is that this WAS her first week back to work, and she has been VERY tired, as she's not used to getting up at the same time as me. But it's still just hard...she tells me "pouting doesnt' work with me" when in reality, I'm not pouting...I'm just trying to deal with MY emotions over the entire thing.
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Old 04-20-2007, 07:44 AM
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mmm...some people go to meetings and get sponsor.
Aside from just being sober...work the 12 steps.

The 5th step...it's sort of like a practice to learned how
to open up to another human-being and not think you're
going to get rejected all the time.

it dosn't happen over night...but practice, practice,practice

i don't emmesh with my GF emotions anymore....oh..no.
It's also my bounday
it wierd at first..because i felt guitly.

Just becuase I don't get mix up in her emotions, dosen't mean i don't care or love her.
it's wierd when you detach emotionally...mmm especailly under the same roof.

i don't listen to my gf when she say stuff like that...even if i was pouting..I'll pout if i want.
kind of like when we get the monthly visitor...it just gose over my head.lol
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Old 04-20-2007, 07:54 AM
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Al-anon is working a program hon.... get a sponsor.

No being jealous of the dog is not weird..... I was jealous of AA and the "fellowship"

You know the only thing I can think of is to get really really busy living your life sweetie. This is a whole new person your working with and it sounds like putting the focus back on yourself and loving yourself right now is about your only option.
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Old 04-20-2007, 07:57 AM
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let me explain just a little more about my x.....when i said i only knew how to interact with him as an active alcoholic, i meant that the insanity, chaos, confusion, abuse was all i knew...therefore, that was the only way i knew how to interact with him....on the same level of insanity.

when he got sober and was a new person, i was all confused. we had a wonderful 8 weeks one time.

anyway, we were like strangers. he was sober, and i was like a whipped pup, cowering, waiting for the next shoe to drop. waiting for him to pick up and use again. he was so awesome....so "normal" during that time.....and he was foreign to me.

i understand about the dog, too.....my dog is part of my family and i love him so much.....like mallow said....unconditional love from them.

trust me, if you have lived with the effects of alcoholism, you have been affected and hurt. i wanted to believe i was a normie, too, but i wasn't.....i had been deeply, profoundly hurt and needed the help that al-anon offered me.

best to you
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Old 04-20-2007, 08:07 AM
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no-resistence...mmm it's a spiritaul term.
In practice, it gose in one ear and out the other
using one of my codi tools for an appropriate situation.
I'm no longer re-act to my GF when she's in a funkie mood
or when she gose in a mood swing.

No, judging, no aynolizing,....I'm okay and she's okay
it just whats happening at the moment...so there's nothing to fight about
or nit pick or walking on eggshells

Kind of like using the ignor list on sr.lol
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Old 04-20-2007, 08:13 AM
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Originally Posted by bv1979 View Post
Well, I've started attending al-anon meetings...but I'm a "normie," so I personally am not in any true recovery program.
I hope I don't raise the hair on anyone's back by saying this, but do any of you feel like you give up your "normie" card when you love an alcoholic? I understand being a normal drinker, but it seems to me like there's nothing normal about any relationship that involves alcoholism or an addiction.

Way to go on attending those Al-Anon meetings, bv. I hope you continue you to attend, and can assure you they'll give you tools that will be helpful in your relationship.

Early sobriety is a rollercoaster of emotions, you might be in for one heck of a ride with your gf. Even with a measly two years of sobriety under my belt I'm still raw, volatile, vulnerable, fragile, and sometimes I feel like I've got the relationship skills of a teenager. It gets better, but there's no time limits on how long it takes.

Try to be patient. I really believe that an alcoholic in recovery can be very loving and affectionate with true sincerity, but we're anything but consistent.
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Old 04-20-2007, 08:21 AM
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normie.....welllllllll....let's see......i married an alcoholic....cause he was talllll and so damn good looking.....charm the bark right off the tree......thought i could fix the drinking problem.....went into overdrive trying to do it.....and every once in a while, he would be nice.....but that was ok.....cause he just needed some more lovin from me to make him well.....but for those few times he was nice, i would hang on to him for many months more, waiting for my magic to work on him......

normal? nahhhhhhhh!!!!!!! nothing normal about it...on either of our parts. but i did wind up with a tall alcoholic. so i took my marbles and went home.
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Old 04-20-2007, 09:53 AM
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but i did wind up with a tall alcoholic
Im considering making this my new signature line.


Hey bv, you know one thing I learned was that I was emotionaly wacked out by focusing all my attention on his actions when my ex was in sober periods..let me explain this.

Here was my schedule:
Being concerned about:

How much or how little he puts in at work.
What may trigger him
What triggers can I keep away from him
What I didnt say bc it may hurt his feelings and he would pick-up
Things I did say bc it may hurt his feeligns and he would drink.
Not going out with my friends bc he 'needed my support'
Smothering him with attention so he would feel loved and not pick-up
Worrying that he wasnt paying enough attention to me and maybe he didnt like me when he was sober.


I say this in love, but I see alot of worry on your end about HER recovery. She is a grown woman yes?

I found that time away from him (not just at work) would have REALLY helped me. I was spending every second I wasnt working with him. Why? It was watching and waiting and nail biting. He wasnt an idiot, didnt like being treated like a kid, living under a microscope or being smothered.
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Old 04-20-2007, 12:21 PM
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So when I said I was a "normie," I know that I'm not in a "normal" circumstance as far as alcohol goes in my life...and I knew that going in.

I used to do a lot of social drinking - especially last year - but had calmed down massively with it even before she and I found our way back to each other. I was rarely drinking before we re-connected, and now the same still goes.

That doesn't mean that when I'm out at a buddy's house, or at a business function where there's alcohol, I won't have a drink though - and she knows that and is fine with it. She tries to tell me that she doesn't care if I have a drink when we're out together, but I would NEVER do that.

I'm not "worried" per se about her recovery. Although I know that there's always something out there that could potentially trigger a relapse, I know that she knows the dire consequences of what happens if she does. You see, there's one other aspect of her alcoholism that I've never really mentioned on this site, as I wasn't sure how to approach it - but I'll just say it right now.

She had her daughter taken from her by CPS last year.

She's just about to get her back full time, however, as she's been working very hard on her program. She goes to at least 3 AA meetings a week, another two substance abuse classes/groups, and therapy twice a week - once to work on herself, and another session with her daughter.

Starting this Saturday, her daughter will be (legally) returning home 5 nights a week, and everyone involved is happy about it. She had been prior placed with her grandmother, who would not let my gf near her daughter at first, but now she lets her come stay with us whenever she wants (which is about 95% of the time.

She has to test randomly at her CPS worker's request, and has never had any problems.

Like I said...I'm confident that she'll maintain her sobriety.

I guess the things that I'm concerned about DO revolve around me...because she says she loves me, and she's shown me that affection before, it's just hard for me to understand why it's not there anymore.

I did write something for her that she read on her lunch break today, and it brought a tear to her eye and she gave me a huge hug and a kiss - so that made me feel good. I almost think that sometimes she doesn't truly believe that I love her like I do, and is trying to protect herself from me hurting her by acting the way she does sometimes.

I know it's a rollercoaster...and I'm willing to go along for the ride. I put up with much worse with someone I didn't love for 5 years...I truly believe I'm strong enough to see this through.
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Old 04-20-2007, 12:37 PM
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If I put all my hopes, dreams and happiness in the hands of someone else, I not only set myself up for disappointment, I put a pressure on them that must be unbearable.

You say she goes to meetings, therapy, classes, in other words, she is working her recovery.

I'd suggest continuing your own meetings - Al-Anon is a program of recovery, and it has nothing to do with the alcoholic.

Good luck.
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Old 04-20-2007, 12:51 PM
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Well, I wouldn't say I'm putting ALL of my hopes and dreams into my relationship with her...but love is a funny thing like that.

I have a six year old son, who is - and always will be - my first priority.

I also just found out on Wednesday that, if I can present my business plan successfully, I'll be getting a promotion and will be allowed to open up an office for my company in San Francisco, while also managing my current office here in San Rafael, essentially taking on an Area Manager's role. That's going to keep me very busy.

I only found out about Al-Anon last week, and have been to two meetings so far - two separate meetings, as they recommend trying different meetings to see where you're most comfortable.

I keep seeing things about sponsers in Al-Anon here on the forums, but I haven't heard anyone mention sponsers at all in the two meetings I've gone to, whereas when I've gone to AA meetings with my gf, they always ask "who's available to be a sponsor." So maybe I should be more proactive about inquiring.
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