Thinking on Contacting my AH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Thinking on Contacting my AH
I am having a terrible time with my boys...I have a restraining order on my husband, have not seen him in a year, nor have my boys. My boys wanted nothing to do with him...nothing. I have the thought as to call him for help with these boys...it is right out of hand and they are treating so bad...
He said up until the last day I saw him that they were abusing me and how could I put up with this crap...He said I had better do something about it or he was, they are running your life.
Tonight again I was told to F off and get out of the house...both of them together...
I will post again and tell you all that went on...but I have this thought to call him.
Rose
He said up until the last day I saw him that they were abusing me and how could I put up with this crap...He said I had better do something about it or he was, they are running your life.
Tonight again I was told to F off and get out of the house...both of them together...
I will post again and tell you all that went on...but I have this thought to call him.
Rose
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries.
My son started giving me a hard time and I held him against the wall and said knock it off. He yelled Child abuse ...I grabbed the phone and put it in his hand...Shall I dial for you? The number is 911 if you don't know it.
If they are older and won't answer to discipline and keep to your boundaries...
let them know... it is "Your" house, Your rules and the police will agree.
If needed...call them. Do not let them disrespect you.
Hold your boundaries.
My son started giving me a hard time and I held him against the wall and said knock it off. He yelled Child abuse ...I grabbed the phone and put it in his hand...Shall I dial for you? The number is 911 if you don't know it.
If they are older and won't answer to discipline and keep to your boundaries...
let them know... it is "Your" house, Your rules and the police will agree.
If needed...call them. Do not let them disrespect you.
Hold your boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
My ex said the same thing about my son, but he didn't help, only made it worse. I had major problems with my son a few years back & I did call the cops. And it helped. I know with my son all he has EVER seen is that woman should be treated like crap!!!! I'm not sure what your husband can do. I doubt if they'd have any respect for him & this could make things worse. I was told by my son's pediatrician that an alcoholic or addict who has not "dealt with his demons" & is in "real" recovery & has a program....He won't do any good. I have had to set boundaries & start sticking to them. Unfortunately for us....kids repeat what they see.
Lynne
Lynne
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
IN my humble opinion, if you call their dad then you're giving into them. Calling their dad means they "win" and you "lose". It may be hard, but I recommend setting some pretty clear boundaries, and then sticking to them.
Remember: you deserve to be treated with respect. That means NO one should be yelling at you, swearing at you, or calling you names. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it for YOUR self worth if for nothing else.
I had to do exactly that. And I had to tell myself over and over that I deserved to be treated well, and also that my sons had some important life lessons to learn. A few of those lessons weren't from me, they were from other authorities.
You might have to call the police, you might have to call someone else to intervene. They might have to leave your house if they choose to not abide by the boundaries you set. Is there a school counselor you could speak to?
We're here for you, every step of the way. We understand
Hugs
~Cat
Remember: you deserve to be treated with respect. That means NO one should be yelling at you, swearing at you, or calling you names. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it for YOUR self worth if for nothing else.
I had to do exactly that. And I had to tell myself over and over that I deserved to be treated well, and also that my sons had some important life lessons to learn. A few of those lessons weren't from me, they were from other authorities.
You might have to call the police, you might have to call someone else to intervene. They might have to leave your house if they choose to not abide by the boundaries you set. Is there a school counselor you could speak to?
We're here for you, every step of the way. We understand
Hugs
~Cat
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It's likely that blackrose is right, Rose. Where did your sons LEARN to treat you like this?
I'd definitely think this through before you do it. What is the most likely reaction of your AH? Are you expecting him to come rescue you? Do you want to see him again, even under those circumstances? What if he does nothing....will that make you feel even worse?
Can you get your boys out? They sound really abusive and I just don't see them getting any better from what you've posted. You have to save yourself...they will survive just fine. AH....gosh....that doesn't sound like it would be too helpful. I could be wrong but....
GL
I'd definitely think this through before you do it. What is the most likely reaction of your AH? Are you expecting him to come rescue you? Do you want to see him again, even under those circumstances? What if he does nothing....will that make you feel even worse?
Can you get your boys out? They sound really abusive and I just don't see them getting any better from what you've posted. You have to save yourself...they will survive just fine. AH....gosh....that doesn't sound like it would be too helpful. I could be wrong but....
GL
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I tend to agree Rose...they have probably learned their behavior from him. I'm so sorry that you continue to have trouble with them. You're a good mom and deserve respect. I'm not a violent person at all, but I have to say, from all I read of how they treat you, I just want to knock their heads together 
I'm sending lots of prayers your way and hugs for a very special woman.
I'm sending lots of prayers your way and hugs for a very special woman.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My thoughts are that your ex is part of the problem not part of the solution, Rose. Your restraining order may be at risk if you do this, and that just brings another problem to the table, yes?
I agree that you need help, but is there another family member who could step in and help you with this? Or have you inquired about help from Children's Services for counselling for them? It seems to me that some anger management might be in order.
My heart and prayers go out to you Rose, this is a terrible situation for you and I think you are very brave to hold your own. I am also worried about your safely even from these boys who are out of control.
Love you and care and wish I could bring my steel toed bunny slippers down there and give you a hand.
Hugs
I agree that you need help, but is there another family member who could step in and help you with this? Or have you inquired about help from Children's Services for counselling for them? It seems to me that some anger management might be in order.
My heart and prayers go out to you Rose, this is a terrible situation for you and I think you are very brave to hold your own. I am also worried about your safely even from these boys who are out of control.
Love you and care and wish I could bring my steel toed bunny slippers down there and give you a hand.
Hugs
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Rose..
I'm sure no expert on child raising, cause God knows how my daughter turned out. But back when she was 14, she was giving me a lot of grief, and I went to parent counselling, and they gave me some wonderful ideas, that I put into practice and it actually worked!!!
My solution to things used to be to ground her, well, they showed me the different things I could do, to inflict punishment, that helped deflect a lot of the anger and rebellousness that I was on the receiving end of.
If you can't afford counselling, there are books that can help. Just go to the bookstore and look in the parenting section. I mean, when you are sick you go to a Doctor right?? Well, this is just another avenue where the experts have more answers than we do.
Praying for you my friend!!!
NSW
I'm sure no expert on child raising, cause God knows how my daughter turned out. But back when she was 14, she was giving me a lot of grief, and I went to parent counselling, and they gave me some wonderful ideas, that I put into practice and it actually worked!!!
My solution to things used to be to ground her, well, they showed me the different things I could do, to inflict punishment, that helped deflect a lot of the anger and rebellousness that I was on the receiving end of.
If you can't afford counselling, there are books that can help. Just go to the bookstore and look in the parenting section. I mean, when you are sick you go to a Doctor right?? Well, this is just another avenue where the experts have more answers than we do.
Praying for you my friend!!!
NSW
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To me, they are ganging up on you. They learned this behavior from your husband, they are treating you the same way he treated you, with dis-respect.
You oldest is 18, right? He is of adult age in most areas of the world, if so, he can move out, start taking care of himself. The youngest, well there are homes he can be placed in where he can get the structure and discipline he needs.
Rose, you've got to take the bull by the horns, before they start physically abusing you. They are out of control and you just are not strong enough to control them.
To me, your husband is a large part of the problem, bringing him back into the picture will only make things worse, not better.
I say the above with great concern for your well-being.
You oldest is 18, right? He is of adult age in most areas of the world, if so, he can move out, start taking care of himself. The youngest, well there are homes he can be placed in where he can get the structure and discipline he needs.
Rose, you've got to take the bull by the horns, before they start physically abusing you. They are out of control and you just are not strong enough to control them.
To me, your husband is a large part of the problem, bringing him back into the picture will only make things worse, not better.
I say the above with great concern for your well-being.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I agree with the others..
If you cannot change, or set, your boundaries, you can change and set the locks!
I recall how terribly upset and worried you were with the younger boy not living at home (the older one as well). However, if they are going to abuse you and abuse the privilege of your roof, then they need to find another roof. Dolly has good ideas.. so do others.
I know that if anyone.. ANYONE.. showed that much direspect to me in the house I was providing and paying for, they would come home to find the locks changed and their belonging on the front lawn (not even the porch)! But that is ME not you. You need to make sure you are safe and this situation, like most domestic violence, is escalating.
Respect is earned. You need to earn their respect. The first way to do that is to set boundaries and stick to them. Not easy, but then nothing worth doing is.
(((Rose)))
If you cannot change, or set, your boundaries, you can change and set the locks!
I recall how terribly upset and worried you were with the younger boy not living at home (the older one as well). However, if they are going to abuse you and abuse the privilege of your roof, then they need to find another roof. Dolly has good ideas.. so do others.
I know that if anyone.. ANYONE.. showed that much direspect to me in the house I was providing and paying for, they would come home to find the locks changed and their belonging on the front lawn (not even the porch)! But that is ME not you. You need to make sure you are safe and this situation, like most domestic violence, is escalating.
Respect is earned. You need to earn their respect. The first way to do that is to set boundaries and stick to them. Not easy, but then nothing worth doing is.
(((Rose)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
I remember calling in my 1st husband after I had left him, because out daughter was drinking. His comment..."she didn't drink before you left me. Can't handle them, can you?" Didn't remind him that she was 14 when I left him. I'm struggling with the "respect" issue myself right now. Get tough. If one is 18, it's your rules or the highway. I'm doing it right now with both of my kids.
Lynne
Lynne
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