I need your opinions
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
I need your opinions
My AS has been sober for over 1/2 year now. He was supposed to go to a Job Rehab-he had an interview.It is to help people who have no work history or need further education, I don't think he went to the appointment. He came home in 45 minutes and said there was a six month waiting period(I know for a fact that this is not true) I seem to be having a problem getting him to move on-work and have a life.
I am very happy he is sober. Most of the time I stay silent and wait for him to work things out in his own way.He is sober-and on medication for his bi polar which works very well-he is like a new man.He lacks any ambition at all.He does help around the house.Before he wouldn't evendo that.
He is a grown man and I want him to get on with it!I have been supporting him financialy and every other way for a long time.I am not sure how to handle this
should I just stay quiet-maybe he is not ready?
or should I put down a boundry and stick to it?
I am very happy he is sober. Most of the time I stay silent and wait for him to work things out in his own way.He is sober-and on medication for his bi polar which works very well-he is like a new man.He lacks any ambition at all.He does help around the house.Before he wouldn't evendo that.
He is a grown man and I want him to get on with it!I have been supporting him financialy and every other way for a long time.I am not sure how to handle this
should I just stay quiet-maybe he is not ready?
or should I put down a boundry and stick to it?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Perhaps he could consider a sober group living arrangement like Oxford House? That is what my son did... then, the pressure to "live life on life's terms" came from the other roommates and his sponsor, not his parents.
((hugs))
((hugs))
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
I realize that you're grateful for his sobriety but as you said he IS a grown man. Part of his recovery is to handle "real life" which includes working and supporting himself. He does not seem very motivated.
Could it be his bi-polar issues or the meds he is on?
What should YOU do? Well, if you truly want him to do his part financially then I would make that wish known to him. Its time to get YOUR needs filled. I imagine the focus has been on HIS needs all this time. IMHO meds can make someone lethargic so that should be investigated. If he's just living in his disease (dry drunk behaviour) don't tolerate it.
Hard to tell I know but you've got to at least let him know its a problem. I do agree that perhaps him living in a sober living arrangement may help him acclamate to "real life."
Love to you.
Could it be his bi-polar issues or the meds he is on?
What should YOU do? Well, if you truly want him to do his part financially then I would make that wish known to him. Its time to get YOUR needs filled. I imagine the focus has been on HIS needs all this time. IMHO meds can make someone lethargic so that should be investigated. If he's just living in his disease (dry drunk behaviour) don't tolerate it.
Hard to tell I know but you've got to at least let him know its a problem. I do agree that perhaps him living in a sober living arrangement may help him acclamate to "real life."
Love to you.
Last edited by appleblaster; 04-18-2007 at 07:57 PM. Reason: spelling error
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
so true appleblaster---The med he is on he has been on for about 5 months now--it is a new med--not like the old lithium type that really knocked some down. I would think it was if I didn't know he was like this always!Just doesn't wan to do anything. I keep thinking I need to handle this with kid glovesthat always seems to work better with him.Just little messages slipped in here and there.
ME????hahahhahhha--good Lord am I damaged goods! I have spent over 27 years on the A coaster!! First my EXAH--now my son.
I have lupus and fibromyalgia so what I can do is limited anyways. I just do the best I can--but I have accepted(most of the time)this is what it is-and I had a good life up until around 43 when I became ill.
I am just happy that he is sober and quiet!!The last few months of peace in my home have been so needed by my mother and I.
I just want him to be busy-and have a more active adult life--just sitting back reading everyones replies--thank you for taking the time.
ME????hahahhahhha--good Lord am I damaged goods! I have spent over 27 years on the A coaster!! First my EXAH--now my son.
I have lupus and fibromyalgia so what I can do is limited anyways. I just do the best I can--but I have accepted(most of the time)this is what it is-and I had a good life up until around 43 when I became ill.
I am just happy that he is sober and quiet!!The last few months of peace in my home have been so needed by my mother and I.
I just want him to be busy-and have a more active adult life--just sitting back reading everyones replies--thank you for taking the time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: East Coast, NC
Posts: 5
ok just had a half reply typed and it went pooooff.
Hi Sunflower.... I wanted to say that IMO, BigSis has made a great suggestion about having your son try and Oxford House. My (now) active AH spent 2 yrs. in one. They do learn to " Live life on life's terms ". I witnessed first hand what went on in this particular house. They must have a job to be excepted into the house, they pay rent, they have chores that have to be done on a daily basis-if their chore for the day isn't done that day they get fined. They have " House Meetings ", they go to AA & NA meetings regularly, they do service work, they go on outings etc as a group, and so on. It did AH wonders while he was there, unfortunately he relapsed after he moved out and we had already gotten married..... I pray he'll accept the oputunity to give this option a try.
hugs,
Em
Hi Sunflower.... I wanted to say that IMO, BigSis has made a great suggestion about having your son try and Oxford House. My (now) active AH spent 2 yrs. in one. They do learn to " Live life on life's terms ". I witnessed first hand what went on in this particular house. They must have a job to be excepted into the house, they pay rent, they have chores that have to be done on a daily basis-if their chore for the day isn't done that day they get fined. They have " House Meetings ", they go to AA & NA meetings regularly, they do service work, they go on outings etc as a group, and so on. It did AH wonders while he was there, unfortunately he relapsed after he moved out and we had already gotten married..... I pray he'll accept the oputunity to give this option a try.
hugs,
Em
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
Unfortunately dealing with mental illness is the same as dealing with addictions. he has to want to change. The medication can be sapping his energy and ambition but he still has to be an adult. He might need more time to adjust to the meds, 5 months is nothing. But you do need to set a boundary on him if you think he's flaking on you about the job rehab interview.
Is he seeing a shrink or a therapist for the bipolar? The good ones want to talk to the spouse also, not just the patient, for these kinds of things you can't just treat one member of the family in isolation from the others. Just like alcoholism! You could voice your concerns to the therapist and see what they have to say. The meds can really knock people for a loop and they take time to take full effect.
Is he seeing a shrink or a therapist for the bipolar? The good ones want to talk to the spouse also, not just the patient, for these kinds of things you can't just treat one member of the family in isolation from the others. Just like alcoholism! You could voice your concerns to the therapist and see what they have to say. The meds can really knock people for a loop and they take time to take full effect.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Dear Sunflower,
It is a hard one... Through experience with my drug/alcohol addicted son it took time. I know we have all been through the rough of it but think about it, he does need sometime to come to terms with his confidence. It hasnt been that long but I would say time up is pretty close. Maybe suggest some volunteer work, suggest it and leave resources around for him to see. Volunteer work really can help their confidence. A little step to joining the real world. Once he feels better out himself he can take another step.
My son did this. Once he found a job he was a different person I can tell you. Smiling, happier and more confident. It has been 15 months now. Remember the real world has been a scary place and they need to be reassured.
It is a hard one... Through experience with my drug/alcohol addicted son it took time. I know we have all been through the rough of it but think about it, he does need sometime to come to terms with his confidence. It hasnt been that long but I would say time up is pretty close. Maybe suggest some volunteer work, suggest it and leave resources around for him to see. Volunteer work really can help their confidence. A little step to joining the real world. Once he feels better out himself he can take another step.
My son did this. Once he found a job he was a different person I can tell you. Smiling, happier and more confident. It has been 15 months now. Remember the real world has been a scary place and they need to be reassured.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
I must agree with BigSis! My ABrother was given chance after chance at age 49 by my mother who is long retired and wanting a life...my mother is not a good example in the start of all the chaos but in the end she was because she realized finally that she had enough-(wait this sounds like most of us?! *Smile*) My brother went into a house and it actually helped him for almost 2 years-everyone is different the A's , the codies, the addicts on how we handle things and if we want to continue living a "real life" as is projected in recovery. Unfortunate my brother is now in Jail-but at least it did help him to make a few steps closer and my mother set those boundaries of that he will not be allowed back into the house unless he got a job and went to AA. It sounds like forcing him but it is not-it is her home, her roof and she is just renforcing that he is a grown man and this is how life works!
Thinking of you and wishing you well! (((HUGS)))
Thinking of you and wishing you well! (((HUGS)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
still reading your posts and I am so greatful for your opinions and that you are all here for me.
He does need to get back into counselling --he has one but doesn't she her that much anymore-and he should.
The sober houses in my area are -well-unsafe places to live-to put it frankly-
I talked with him today briefly--even told him I would help him get his own place once her gets a full time job-plus I have a car I can give him as I am about to buy a new one....everything is right there in front of him...
He just has to want it and make it happen!!! Maybe you are right about the bi polar thing--might be wiping him out-scaring him a bit.
He goes between my house and his girlfriends--well I gave him an option lets see if he takes it.
I said once before--I am Happy he is alive--I didn't think he could come this far-thought I would be burying him instead.
I am going to lay low--still keep the opinions coming--I appreciate them more than you know...
He does need to get back into counselling --he has one but doesn't she her that much anymore-and he should.
The sober houses in my area are -well-unsafe places to live-to put it frankly-
I talked with him today briefly--even told him I would help him get his own place once her gets a full time job-plus I have a car I can give him as I am about to buy a new one....everything is right there in front of him...
He just has to want it and make it happen!!! Maybe you are right about the bi polar thing--might be wiping him out-scaring him a bit.
He goes between my house and his girlfriends--well I gave him an option lets see if he takes it.
I said once before--I am Happy he is alive--I didn't think he could come this far-thought I would be burying him instead.
I am going to lay low--still keep the opinions coming--I appreciate them more than you know...
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Hi Sun ,
Havent been on in a few days for more than a minute at a time so Im just reading this now ! Sorry !
I imagine you feel torn because , like you said , you are HAPPY he is alive and sober and maybe if you pushed him to get a job it will make you look less grateful for what you have . Honestly , I dont think asking him to get a job and be more responsible is asking too much or pushing too hard .
He needs to be back in his counseling on a reg basis and check out the meds situation , sounds like there could be some truth to that .
I know what you mean about the halfway houses . My ah was in one for 2 wks and it sounded great but when he got there they were very lax . There were visitors at all hours and if you didnt do a chore or make a meeting nobody cared . He was also able to come & go as he pleased . I know that this house was the exception to the rule . Im sure more than most of them are great .
Lots of luck to you !
M
Havent been on in a few days for more than a minute at a time so Im just reading this now ! Sorry !
I imagine you feel torn because , like you said , you are HAPPY he is alive and sober and maybe if you pushed him to get a job it will make you look less grateful for what you have . Honestly , I dont think asking him to get a job and be more responsible is asking too much or pushing too hard .
He needs to be back in his counseling on a reg basis and check out the meds situation , sounds like there could be some truth to that .
I know what you mean about the halfway houses . My ah was in one for 2 wks and it sounded great but when he got there they were very lax . There were visitors at all hours and if you didnt do a chore or make a meeting nobody cared . He was also able to come & go as he pleased . I know that this house was the exception to the rule . Im sure more than most of them are great .
Lots of luck to you !
M
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