chero

Well, I just came from picking my AH up at jail. Again! I know somebody is going to tell me I should have left him there, but I didn't and, well, I didn't.

Apparently, the last time he was drunk, he called a man that owed him money from a business thing and said extremely threatening things to him on the phone. Well, the man works for the Jail. So, he pressed charges and my AH got arrested.

Needless to say, I'm on the verge of hysterical breakdown. We are supposed to be back in court tomorrow at 1:30 to see the judge.

I'm not doing very well. My AH just wants to down play the whole thing and acts like it's no big deal and what am I so upset about. SERIOUSLY???

This is the 2nd time in 8 months and the 3rd time since we've been married that he has been arrested.

Oh, I don't know. I'm so mad and sad and scared and the people at my new job are going to find out.

Guess I needed to vent....

best

At the moment it is no big deal.
Tomorrow he will stand before the judge and a plea of not guilty will be entered on his behalf till he gets a lawyer and then they would set a hearing date.
Between now and then many things can happen and we tend to worry more then needed. End results and what we worry about never seem to match up. We worry for nothing.

MsGolightly

chero, my goodness.

i don't blame you for picking him up, i probably would have, too. there's nothing you can do about it now, so don't worry about it for the time being.

from what i know about you - you're so kind, generous, compassionate, and always willing to see the best in others and in every situation. how much longer do you think you can put up with his behavior?

i'm so sorry things are rough right now... but there's nowhere to go but up!

chero

Nowhere but up?? I wish I believed that, In. Sometimes you get down so low that you can't see anything. You are in total darkness and for all I know I'm walking the wrong way down a dead end road....

Could somebody maybe shine a light down here and show me the next step??

How much longer?? I'm asking myself the very same question.

MsGolightly

chero maybe this goes back to your last post about boundaries... can you decide how much more you're going to take? write it down and remember it, and when things get that bad, move out on your own for awhile.. take some time.. let it breathe. whatever's meant to happen will happen with time.

mallowcup

Don't feel bad for picking him up. You have to do what allows you to sleep at night. You will decide when you've had enough. This could be a blessing in disguise. He's in some hot water and if you are aware he's been arrested twice in these few months, so is the Judge. The Judge will decide just how big a deal it is. If your husband is cavalier toward this incident, he may get himself put in jail. Each incident may not seem so bad. cumulatively, it does add up.
This man may have pressed charges so that there is a record of this, just in case it happens again or weird things start happening in his life.
Your lifes course is directly linked to your husbands so it is in your best interest to know what happens.
There isn't anything you can do about it. I think that's a good thing. You won't have to feel guilty or about your part in it, you have no part in it.
Your husband has a problem and he will be forced to face it.
That's really what you want. The good news is that you aren't the one he's answering to. It's the Judge.
I would go to the hearing and I'd see what happens, what exactly your husband said to this man in the way of threats.
Let us know what happens and remember we are all here for you.

appleblaster

Chero, the next step is the first step.....admitting you are powerless over this situation. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

Now that's an umbrella saying to you right at this time so i'll tell ya. This is the first of many arrests/incidents I can promise you.

He will go down farther. If you are holding his hand then you will go right down with him. That applies for picking him up, rescuing, enabling, etc. Just remember.....any act you do that enables only serves to keep him in his disease longer. It is not your fault but you surely don't have to help him do it.

P.S. With that said, I know how hard it is but once I started thinking in terms of the above, it was easier to let him go. Big hugs. We love you.

WhatAboutME

chero,

Don't feel bad about picking him up. I've done the same thing, twice. I said before the 1st DWI and between the 1st and 2nd that I would let him rot in jail before I bailed him out. Yeah, that really worked out for me.

I know you are feeling bad. You know I am feeling bad. We may be states apart, but we are so very close. You are in my thoughts. I hope we can both find some peace to sleep through the night. And tomorrow, we'll start over again. And if we need to vent, we know where to find each other. (((HUGS)))

parentrecovers

the problems seem endless, don't they? i understand. blessings, k

hopeangel

i can feel your anger and frustration. i'm sorry you are going through this. but, i think the good news is your husband is beginning to suffer the consequences of his actions and no one got hurt. divine intervetion, what we all hope for, with no one getting hurt. if i were you i would let him feel the full effects of his actions- i.e. letting him sit in jail

i'm with the others- with past offenses the judge will not be so easy on him this time. maybe he will be ordered to go to treatment. that is what i am going to hope for you!!!

do something good for yourself today dear. be good to yourself ((((hugs)))))

Cynay

Chero.....

Dang, this is the second time I have said this today, must be a lesson in this for me.

When the pain of doing what you are doing is greater then the fear of taking action... that is when it will end. I have to agree, the first step is admitting you are powerless... acceptance is such a hard pill to swallow.... trust me I am struggling with that myself today.... but in the end what does geing unhappy get you??? I dont think you get a nicer cloud in heaven, so all you get is wasted time here on earth. Honestly that is not what Gods plan is... of that Im sure.

You can be happy inside the marriage, but you will have to learn to detach and not enable... and you will have to protect yourself.... sweetie you are the only person who will protect you. I will keep you in my prayers ... take a breather and do something just for you.

WantsOut

Chero, I left mine in jail and still felt terrible about it. No answer is really "correct" in such a crazy situation. I really feel for you. I know how painful it all is. I just suggest doing all you can to detach - he's a grown man and he needs to handle his own business.

Love

dollydo

If it's no big deal to him, why should it be a big deal to you? It's his problem, his
responsibility, don't try and make it yours.

LGLG07

Im so sorry chero ! Things were looking so 'up' for you . Good news is , he is still sober . If he gets through the night and tomorrow without a drink under these circumstances I think thats great . Also , like it was already said , its time for him to suffer some consequences . If hes anything like my ah , he has gotten away with almost everything with the exception of maybe a few minor things . Now that he has 2 wks sobriety , these consequences might have a bigger impact on him .

I wish you all the best . This is no reflection on who you are , remember that.

Peace
M

chero

Is it wrong for me to expect him to be even the least little bit humble???

He's not. He doesn't even feel the least little bit sorry for what he did. All I've heard since I got home from church is how justified he was in what he did.

He said he was sick of apologizing for stuff in his life...he never apologizes!
How is this possible??? How can he not be sorry???

Cynay

Because if he apologized and really took a look at what he has done ... then he might have to take responsibility for it.... and that would mean coming out of denial.... and that could push him into accountability.......which means really "feeling" .... and all that might even lead into a living amends.... OUCH!

Dang..... That is alot of growing up to do .... easier to play the tough guy and get an attitude.

dollydo

Don't ever expect anything from an A and you won't be dis-appointed.

Since he is justified, let him explain that to the "Justice" tomorrow.

chero

I can't deal with it. It's all just too hard. Even while I'm sitting here typing he is in the other room yelling about the injustice of this entire mess.

I can't take it. I can't.....

What is my reaction supposed to be?

dollydo

Let go, until you do and let him face the music without enabling him, nothing will change, it will just be more of them same.

Your reaction? Keep typing, let him quack.

MsGolightly

chero, do you have headphones or something you could put on to not hear him right now?