OT: Mother
Royalty
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
OT: Mother
Most of you know, that I left home to live with my Dad when I was 14...I detested my mother, and still do to this day. She was the most unloving, miserable person I've ever seen. I have never spoke to her since then (28 years now)....and have not wasted one day worrying about it.
I saw her for the first time in Feb., when my brother died. She is still a miserable person, just older now. I feel nothing for her. So yesterday, I got an email from her......
It wasn't very long, and she was asking for my kids' names. (ok, those were posted in the obit and I have another brother, why not ask him?) And she mentioned that isn't it time to mend fences....she has never loved me ever, and expects me to apologize for what? For noticing that?
Here's the real part that bugs me......I can remember when I was walking out the door for the last time, MommyDearest says "I am taking you out of my will" ... and I was like, so? I would expect that. Now she is claiming in her email, to want to be a "fair" grandmother and to make sure that my kids get an equal amount, that my brother's kids will get, when she dies......
It's like she is once again using death/money as some motivating tool that I am not aware that one exists. I so don't want to reply to this email, but think she needs a dose of her own medicine at this point. It's like she is dangling some bait, which I just think is a piece of rancid meat. I don't want any inheiritance....nor do I even consider her a "grandmother" to my children. They are not missing out on GP's btw, they have 6 without her.
So that's why I'm not worrying about the AH this week, I am busy working up my hateful reply so that everyone can say "you are just like your mother!" lol
Just checking in, before everyone starts looking for me. ( I love that about this place.....if someone doesn't check in for awhile, or has a meltdown once, or shows up in a different pattern than normal, everyone starts to worry.)
We should start a SR Most Wanted list
Carry on......
HQ
I saw her for the first time in Feb., when my brother died. She is still a miserable person, just older now. I feel nothing for her. So yesterday, I got an email from her......
It wasn't very long, and she was asking for my kids' names. (ok, those were posted in the obit and I have another brother, why not ask him?) And she mentioned that isn't it time to mend fences....she has never loved me ever, and expects me to apologize for what? For noticing that?
Here's the real part that bugs me......I can remember when I was walking out the door for the last time, MommyDearest says "I am taking you out of my will" ... and I was like, so? I would expect that. Now she is claiming in her email, to want to be a "fair" grandmother and to make sure that my kids get an equal amount, that my brother's kids will get, when she dies......
It's like she is once again using death/money as some motivating tool that I am not aware that one exists. I so don't want to reply to this email, but think she needs a dose of her own medicine at this point. It's like she is dangling some bait, which I just think is a piece of rancid meat. I don't want any inheiritance....nor do I even consider her a "grandmother" to my children. They are not missing out on GP's btw, they have 6 without her.
So that's why I'm not worrying about the AH this week, I am busy working up my hateful reply so that everyone can say "you are just like your mother!" lol
Just checking in, before everyone starts looking for me. ( I love that about this place.....if someone doesn't check in for awhile, or has a meltdown once, or shows up in a different pattern than normal, everyone starts to worry.)
We should start a SR Most Wanted list
Carry on......
HQ
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
I would say NO REPLY is the best here. She will be checking her email everyday, even several times a day, looking for your reply. You non response will say volumes more than a scathing reply and you get to keep your dignity!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Your post reminded me of my New Year's Resolution for 2007:
~~My inner brat/b*tch is NOT allowed to dial the phone with an ugly retort on the tip of my tongue or hit "send" on a nasty-gram without first running my plans by one of my good & level headed friends~~
You'd be surprised how often this has saved me. Especially lately. Apparently, my Inner B is pretty fired up about a lot of stuff right now.
Sometimes the best response is no response at all.
hugs
Cat
~~My inner brat/b*tch is NOT allowed to dial the phone with an ugly retort on the tip of my tongue or hit "send" on a nasty-gram without first running my plans by one of my good & level headed friends~~
You'd be surprised how often this has saved me. Especially lately. Apparently, my Inner B is pretty fired up about a lot of stuff right now.
Sometimes the best response is no response at all.
hugs
Cat
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Forgive her. Not for her...............but for you. I don't mean that you have reopen contact with her or become part of her life or let her be part of your childrens lives.
It will release a burden on your soul, you will feel better and life will go on.
It will release a burden on your soul, you will feel better and life will go on.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Tough topic for me HolyQow..
When my mother does things like this (baiting), I do not reply and do not answer calls and do not give an explanation..I dont say Im busy I dont say Its not healthy for me to talk to you, I just ignore.
It says more than you could ever say verbally.
When my mother does things like this (baiting), I do not reply and do not answer calls and do not give an explanation..I dont say Im busy I dont say Its not healthy for me to talk to you, I just ignore.
It says more than you could ever say verbally.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I'd send her the names and leave it at that. You can be considerate without entering into the drama (seems you already are more head-space inested by worrying about what to do;at least that is how it gets for me in these situations. JMHO). This is about her......and them. Perhaps she is regretful,perhaps not. If she wants to do a nice thing for your kids,accept the gift without strings (I don't think you necessarily need to say that,just DO that). Easier said than done,I know.
Sorry you have this turmoil...I am sure this has unleashed a lot of hurtful memories.
Sorry you have this turmoil...I am sure this has unleashed a lot of hurtful memories.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I hold resentments against some people in my life. Alanon tells me that having a resentment is -
Like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die...
Yeah. Kinda like that.
I can HEAR the hurt and pain in your post, HQ. (((hugs))) I know I was holding resentments against my father... and he has been dead for twelve years now.
Dead! And I was still hurting and angry. My hurt and anger was not hurting HIM. It was hurting me.
My sponsor and I did a "mini-4th step" on my dad. She had me write out my anger, fear and resentments about him.... and then we talked about it.
Then last year, I attended a 4th step workshop and though we listed a bajillion people and institutions that we might have a resentment against... the ONE that I picked to work on that weekend? My dad. Sorta surprised me, to be honest.
We did a 4th step the "Big Book" way (AA Big Book...page 64/65). I made 4 columns
Who.... What they did/said..... How it made me feel.......How I acted/responded
You might try doing this over your mom. The cool thing about a 4th step is that NOBODY has to know. You don't HAVE to share this with anyone (that part is the FIFTH step, and only if you are ready).
But when I left that workshop last May, I was finally able to lay down some of my pain and anger and hurt. It was a good thing... for me.
((((HolyQow)))))
Like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die...
Yeah. Kinda like that.
I can HEAR the hurt and pain in your post, HQ. (((hugs))) I know I was holding resentments against my father... and he has been dead for twelve years now.
Dead! And I was still hurting and angry. My hurt and anger was not hurting HIM. It was hurting me.
My sponsor and I did a "mini-4th step" on my dad. She had me write out my anger, fear and resentments about him.... and then we talked about it.
Then last year, I attended a 4th step workshop and though we listed a bajillion people and institutions that we might have a resentment against... the ONE that I picked to work on that weekend? My dad. Sorta surprised me, to be honest.
We did a 4th step the "Big Book" way (AA Big Book...page 64/65). I made 4 columns
Who.... What they did/said..... How it made me feel.......How I acted/responded
You might try doing this over your mom. The cool thing about a 4th step is that NOBODY has to know. You don't HAVE to share this with anyone (that part is the FIFTH step, and only if you are ready).
But when I left that workshop last May, I was finally able to lay down some of my pain and anger and hurt. It was a good thing... for me.
((((HolyQow)))))
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
BigSis .. thank you for sharing that . my husbands father has been dead for 10 yrs and you cant mention his name with my ah calling him some nasty things . he holds a lot of resentment there and Im going to suggest for him what you posted . I hope its work well for you ! (())
I agree that pick-a-name does offer a solution, however , if you mom could get these names from your siblings then she has other motives for this email . she wants a response from you and if you answer simply with your kids info, it may warrant another response from her . Just a thought .
I do also agree that forgiveness is for you , not for her . Rmbr the school shooting in the Amish community last year . They opened their hearts and souls to the family of the shooter and forgave him unconditionally for his actions . They did that for themselves , so they could move on
I agree that pick-a-name does offer a solution, however , if you mom could get these names from your siblings then she has other motives for this email . she wants a response from you and if you answer simply with your kids info, it may warrant another response from her . Just a thought .
I do also agree that forgiveness is for you , not for her . Rmbr the school shooting in the Amish community last year . They opened their hearts and souls to the family of the shooter and forgave him unconditionally for his actions . They did that for themselves , so they could move on
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