perspective
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 666
perspective
Hi all,
My name is Mike and I post on the other forums. I'm an alcoholic who has been sober 11 years now. So, why am I here? I need some advice and perspective from those who have experience. I know 'll find that here.
About one month ago my wife and I received a phone call from her sister who said her husband had just "slapped her around a couple of times." He's a big guy, out of work, and was in rehab last month but is still drinking and using pills. She didn't know what to do. They have two young kids (7 months old and 3 years old). She was afraid he'd wake up and do it again. She was hysterical. I told my wife to tell her we'd be right there (we live about ten miles away) but in the meantime call the police. She did, and by the time we arrived they were hauling him out in cuffs.
Anyway... now my wife is devastated because her sister won't talk to her anymore. She lied to the police, said she never told us she got hit, and after initially taking a restraining order out, has had it removed and the guy is back living with her. She also said her husband was threatening to ruin our (my wife and I) lives. This got me somewhat heated and I told her to tell her husband he wasn't pushing around women and children now. Not smart, but I was upset.
So... my wife wants to try and maintain a relationship with her sister. What should we do here? The situation is complicated by the fact that the sister lives in the same house as her mother, making visiting difficult. This is a bit hard. Our life has actually never been better, we've got two children (2, and 5 months), but my wife gets really sad every time she thinks about it. She knows we did the right thing (did we?) but wants her sister in her life. Her mother says the two are fighting like crazy all the time. She's 75 and can't take it. It seems like only a matter of time before the guy whacks her again, but she doesn't seem to want help.
Any thoughts?
Mike in Boston
My name is Mike and I post on the other forums. I'm an alcoholic who has been sober 11 years now. So, why am I here? I need some advice and perspective from those who have experience. I know 'll find that here.
About one month ago my wife and I received a phone call from her sister who said her husband had just "slapped her around a couple of times." He's a big guy, out of work, and was in rehab last month but is still drinking and using pills. She didn't know what to do. They have two young kids (7 months old and 3 years old). She was afraid he'd wake up and do it again. She was hysterical. I told my wife to tell her we'd be right there (we live about ten miles away) but in the meantime call the police. She did, and by the time we arrived they were hauling him out in cuffs.
Anyway... now my wife is devastated because her sister won't talk to her anymore. She lied to the police, said she never told us she got hit, and after initially taking a restraining order out, has had it removed and the guy is back living with her. She also said her husband was threatening to ruin our (my wife and I) lives. This got me somewhat heated and I told her to tell her husband he wasn't pushing around women and children now. Not smart, but I was upset.
So... my wife wants to try and maintain a relationship with her sister. What should we do here? The situation is complicated by the fact that the sister lives in the same house as her mother, making visiting difficult. This is a bit hard. Our life has actually never been better, we've got two children (2, and 5 months), but my wife gets really sad every time she thinks about it. She knows we did the right thing (did we?) but wants her sister in her life. Her mother says the two are fighting like crazy all the time. She's 75 and can't take it. It seems like only a matter of time before the guy whacks her again, but she doesn't seem to want help.
Any thoughts?
Mike in Boston
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Mike....first of all thank you for coming to this part of SR!
Just from my experience with my own x A....I'm still going through this right now...I just explained to the Detective as my x A was in court today - being sentanced -that the reason I personally and I'm sure others can relate in a similiar situation-have not gone to the cops each time that he has called my phone or txt me-is because I'm afraid of-him getting so upset and excalated that he will come after me-and in a split second something could happen to me without the cops there! It is a crazy way to think but being a victim it is how I feel and I'm sure others as well. I know that if I changed my number I would have total silence-(which I kind of do because I do not answer it or communicate with him) but with this I'm allowing him to continue doing what the restraining order is telling him he is not allowed to do! I'm not quite good at that boundrie thing yet but I'm a work in progress with it-I'm stubborn as well (codie trait?!) I do not feel that I should have change my life because I'm not the one with the problem (well not you know what I mean) so hence not following through with the changing the phone number thing. Plus as I said I feel it is something I do to keep me safe and so far it has worked-with the removing myself first!
It is kind of crazy but makes sense in my own crazy way that I feel if I do not change my number but can allow myself not to get involved which I do not then at least I have a better chance of staying alive! Sounds nutz! The detective understood it totally because he got community service work program for 60 days!!!! What is that about? After he has physical, emotionally abused me-stalked me and my new boyfriend. So she asked that I report him again-and said she "cannot assure me that he will not do anything to me" which she is exactly right- no one can.....and no can assure your sister-in - law of that. She can however get to the point and take the steps to move away from that situation when she is ready! No one can force her to make her choice-just like no one can force him to make his....everyone has to do it in their own time. And by turning him in for some reason I know I have felt guilty in the past for it, not now....but in the start I did because I think oh no why did I do that what is he going to do to me next....I love him ....I should not have done that..I feel bad for him...NOW I do not feel badly or guilty! He has made his choices and he must take responsibility for them NOT ME!
I have taken the steps in the right direction....and I'm happy now....he does not hold me back but is just a thorn in my side that I'm learning to fully pull out in all due time. In the meantime I do this to what I feel is protection for me...and so far it has worked as we slowly move towards him taking responsibility for his actions! I do not ride on the roller coaster of chaos anymore- and soon one day I will be fully free from it!
Good luck with this-and tell your wife it is not her and to please be patient with her sister- it is hard when we are in that stage of denial but she will come around-all you can do is send prayers and strength to her-and try to stay clear of the situation as best you possibly can. Going to the police if the sister in law comes to you because she is afraid to do so or if you are threaten by him or any family member.. (my boyfriend did this since the X went after him) otherwise it is out of your hands sadly...but she needs to leave-the more you push her the more she will stay and more she will make excuses for him! Been there done that!! And now I'm free.....................
Just from my experience with my own x A....I'm still going through this right now...I just explained to the Detective as my x A was in court today - being sentanced -that the reason I personally and I'm sure others can relate in a similiar situation-have not gone to the cops each time that he has called my phone or txt me-is because I'm afraid of-him getting so upset and excalated that he will come after me-and in a split second something could happen to me without the cops there! It is a crazy way to think but being a victim it is how I feel and I'm sure others as well. I know that if I changed my number I would have total silence-(which I kind of do because I do not answer it or communicate with him) but with this I'm allowing him to continue doing what the restraining order is telling him he is not allowed to do! I'm not quite good at that boundrie thing yet but I'm a work in progress with it-I'm stubborn as well (codie trait?!) I do not feel that I should have change my life because I'm not the one with the problem (well not you know what I mean) so hence not following through with the changing the phone number thing. Plus as I said I feel it is something I do to keep me safe and so far it has worked-with the removing myself first!
It is kind of crazy but makes sense in my own crazy way that I feel if I do not change my number but can allow myself not to get involved which I do not then at least I have a better chance of staying alive! Sounds nutz! The detective understood it totally because he got community service work program for 60 days!!!! What is that about? After he has physical, emotionally abused me-stalked me and my new boyfriend. So she asked that I report him again-and said she "cannot assure me that he will not do anything to me" which she is exactly right- no one can.....and no can assure your sister-in - law of that. She can however get to the point and take the steps to move away from that situation when she is ready! No one can force her to make her choice-just like no one can force him to make his....everyone has to do it in their own time. And by turning him in for some reason I know I have felt guilty in the past for it, not now....but in the start I did because I think oh no why did I do that what is he going to do to me next....I love him ....I should not have done that..I feel bad for him...NOW I do not feel badly or guilty! He has made his choices and he must take responsibility for them NOT ME!
I have taken the steps in the right direction....and I'm happy now....he does not hold me back but is just a thorn in my side that I'm learning to fully pull out in all due time. In the meantime I do this to what I feel is protection for me...and so far it has worked as we slowly move towards him taking responsibility for his actions! I do not ride on the roller coaster of chaos anymore- and soon one day I will be fully free from it!
Good luck with this-and tell your wife it is not her and to please be patient with her sister- it is hard when we are in that stage of denial but she will come around-all you can do is send prayers and strength to her-and try to stay clear of the situation as best you possibly can. Going to the police if the sister in law comes to you because she is afraid to do so or if you are threaten by him or any family member.. (my boyfriend did this since the X went after him) otherwise it is out of your hands sadly...but she needs to leave-the more you push her the more she will stay and more she will make excuses for him! Been there done that!! And now I'm free.....................
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hey there Mike in Boston,
Glad you popped over here
It is a quandry indeed.
First, in my opinion, it was your sister in law that actually called the police, not you or your wife, so if I was a betting person (which I am not
), I would guess your sister in law is acting out anger/irritation/disappointment in herself for "getting him in trouble".
Ive been there and maybe it was just me, but after I called the police, that was my reaction. I was taking responsibility once again for someone elses actions. This was usually bc I felt so 'guilty' for turning him in..Id been thinking I was responsible for his drinking and also felt somewhat responsbile for 'making him mad' enough that he would knock me around or hit a wall etc.
In all honesty, if she doesnt want to leave him or doesnt want help leaving him, its a tough place for you and your wife to be. You cant referee them and would you feel comfortable being in the middle of the situation? The middle is a place I try to stay out of if I can.
Boundries may work for you and your wife...Boundries like, if your SIL tells your wife she is being abused, your wife will call the police. Or on your end..if he threatens you, you will call the police, i.e.
Ultimately and sadly, its not your fish to fry. Its a sad situation and hurtful to all, but in my experience it was not effective for others when they tried to intervene..it was me that had to want a change. Your mother in law, thats so sad to hear that she is effected also, although you cant really control that situation or her sanity and emotions either.
I would do what kept you and your household as emotionally and physically safe as possible....hope you get some answers
Glad you popped over here
It is a quandry indeed.
First, in my opinion, it was your sister in law that actually called the police, not you or your wife, so if I was a betting person (which I am not
), I would guess your sister in law is acting out anger/irritation/disappointment in herself for "getting him in trouble". Ive been there and maybe it was just me, but after I called the police, that was my reaction. I was taking responsibility once again for someone elses actions. This was usually bc I felt so 'guilty' for turning him in..Id been thinking I was responsible for his drinking and also felt somewhat responsbile for 'making him mad' enough that he would knock me around or hit a wall etc.
In all honesty, if she doesnt want to leave him or doesnt want help leaving him, its a tough place for you and your wife to be. You cant referee them and would you feel comfortable being in the middle of the situation? The middle is a place I try to stay out of if I can.
Boundries may work for you and your wife...Boundries like, if your SIL tells your wife she is being abused, your wife will call the police. Or on your end..if he threatens you, you will call the police, i.e.
Ultimately and sadly, its not your fish to fry. Its a sad situation and hurtful to all, but in my experience it was not effective for others when they tried to intervene..it was me that had to want a change. Your mother in law, thats so sad to hear that she is effected also, although you cant really control that situation or her sanity and emotions either.
I would do what kept you and your household as emotionally and physically safe as possible....hope you get some answers
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
hey mikel60,
happy to hear of the peace in your own life.
i was in a abusive relationship with an alcoholic many years back. nothing my friends and family did convinced me to leave - until i was ready. when i WAS ready, they were there for me - helping me move, providing babysitting for my daughter, offering a little cash when i needed it, spending time with me on tough days, a lot of hugs and support and listening ears. just make sure sis knows - when she's ready, you'll be there for her.
if mom can't handle it, she needs to find help and support to get them out of her house. easy for me to say, i know..but her health and safety needs to be a priority.
blessings, k
happy to hear of the peace in your own life.
i was in a abusive relationship with an alcoholic many years back. nothing my friends and family did convinced me to leave - until i was ready. when i WAS ready, they were there for me - helping me move, providing babysitting for my daughter, offering a little cash when i needed it, spending time with me on tough days, a lot of hugs and support and listening ears. just make sure sis knows - when she's ready, you'll be there for her.
if mom can't handle it, she needs to find help and support to get them out of her house. easy for me to say, i know..but her health and safety needs to be a priority.
blessings, k
Last edited by parentrecovers; 04-17-2007 at 12:01 PM.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: San Rafael, California
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by elizabeth1979 
First, in my opinion, it was your sister in law that actually called the police, not you or your wife, so if I was a betting person (which I am not ), I would guess your sister in law is acting out anger/irritation/disappointment in herself for "getting him in trouble".
), I would guess your sister in law is acting out anger/irritation/disappointment in herself for "getting him in trouble". I think time IS what will heal this, as your SIL will come around - as long as an incident like this doesn't happen again first. If what your MIL said is true, then I have concerns that it may just happen again sooner rather than later, and then not only may it be the big wake up call for her, it could be a lot worse...
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