I know better...why does it still hurt?
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
I know better...why does it still hurt?
I spoke with my exAH this morning because I've been worried about him. I know that he's been spiraling down.
I told him that I'm worried about him and don't like what he's been doing to himself. He said ever since I kicked him out he has no reason to try to do as little drugs as possible. That when he was lived with me he had a reason to come home and try to limit himself. (I think he forgets all the nights he never came home and all the nights I caught him snorting it up in the livingroom and all the nights he locked himself in the bathroom smoking crack and some nights he would just get in his car and leave.) He said now he has no reason and that I gave him his freedom to do whatever and how ever much he wants and that he'll do it until he dies. I told him, "Oh..no...don't put it on me. I gave you room to recover. It's not on me that you took it in the other direction. From day one you were out of the house you had the choice to recover and fight for our marriage or do more drugs. You chose to do more drugs. Then when I filed for a divorce, you didn't use this as a bottom....you used it as a reason to use more drugs. What have you done to try to convince me or prove to me that a future for us may be possible again? What you do is your responsibility, not mine. I am tired of taking responsibility for choices that I have no control over and did not make." After I said all of this he said he has a headache and has to go.
I guess I called because my intention was to try to convince him to go to rehab. I had a dream last night that I was successful but only after I kind of tricked him into it. I didn't expect him to make the statement about doing it until he dies. I had to control myself from bawling at work. I know better. I completely believe in what I said 100%. I have detached and learned not to call when he is using. I have learned to let go (most days) and step far far away from what his HP has planned for him. I know I can't control or cure him. And I know most definitly that I did not cause it. I know all of this yet it still hurts that he is blaming me for his downward spiral. I still have such deep love and affection for him. I care what happens to him and unfortunately worry for his life more than he does.
Thanks for the venting space.
Wallowing in sadness for now but I know it will get better.
I told him that I'm worried about him and don't like what he's been doing to himself. He said ever since I kicked him out he has no reason to try to do as little drugs as possible. That when he was lived with me he had a reason to come home and try to limit himself. (I think he forgets all the nights he never came home and all the nights I caught him snorting it up in the livingroom and all the nights he locked himself in the bathroom smoking crack and some nights he would just get in his car and leave.) He said now he has no reason and that I gave him his freedom to do whatever and how ever much he wants and that he'll do it until he dies. I told him, "Oh..no...don't put it on me. I gave you room to recover. It's not on me that you took it in the other direction. From day one you were out of the house you had the choice to recover and fight for our marriage or do more drugs. You chose to do more drugs. Then when I filed for a divorce, you didn't use this as a bottom....you used it as a reason to use more drugs. What have you done to try to convince me or prove to me that a future for us may be possible again? What you do is your responsibility, not mine. I am tired of taking responsibility for choices that I have no control over and did not make." After I said all of this he said he has a headache and has to go.
I guess I called because my intention was to try to convince him to go to rehab. I had a dream last night that I was successful but only after I kind of tricked him into it. I didn't expect him to make the statement about doing it until he dies. I had to control myself from bawling at work. I know better. I completely believe in what I said 100%. I have detached and learned not to call when he is using. I have learned to let go (most days) and step far far away from what his HP has planned for him. I know I can't control or cure him. And I know most definitly that I did not cause it. I know all of this yet it still hurts that he is blaming me for his downward spiral. I still have such deep love and affection for him. I care what happens to him and unfortunately worry for his life more than he does.
Thanks for the venting space.
Wallowing in sadness for now but I know it will get better.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry that you are still hurting, it does take awhile, try not to let what he say botter you too much, its not your fault and there is nothing that ould have done to make him want to stop. if he can blame you, he wont have to except responsibility for his own actions, continue to take care of you, he won't get better until he's ready and not a minute sooner, now matter what you say or do. still praying for ya
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Cupicake-
So sorry that you are dealing with the return of the painful feelings of hopelessness.
No matter how skilled we have becomce at detaching - you still do not stop caring for an individual and that alone is bound to cause pain.
I am glad that you did not allow him to pin his guilt and responsibility on you. You took what he was trying to zing at you and turned it right back around and delivered it back to him where it belonged. You gave him back his property that he was trying to attach to you.
Seems most of our addicts deny the concept of personal responibility. It is always someone else who made them use, some circumstance beyond their control- something outside of themselves that compelled them to get high and stay high. It's never their fault- oh no, turning the focus inward and examining all that their suppressing with drugs would be too gargantuan a task.
I think it hurts when you know in order to take care of yourself you can no longer allow a person in your life- you may see you are preventing both of your recoveries. But giving up the fact that you can't control whether they better themselves or whether they allow the new circumstances to push them to new lows really delivers a blow of powerlessness that still really hurts.
You are in my thoughts.
So sorry that you are dealing with the return of the painful feelings of hopelessness.
No matter how skilled we have becomce at detaching - you still do not stop caring for an individual and that alone is bound to cause pain.
I am glad that you did not allow him to pin his guilt and responsibility on you. You took what he was trying to zing at you and turned it right back around and delivered it back to him where it belonged. You gave him back his property that he was trying to attach to you.
Seems most of our addicts deny the concept of personal responibility. It is always someone else who made them use, some circumstance beyond their control- something outside of themselves that compelled them to get high and stay high. It's never their fault- oh no, turning the focus inward and examining all that their suppressing with drugs would be too gargantuan a task.
I think it hurts when you know in order to take care of yourself you can no longer allow a person in your life- you may see you are preventing both of your recoveries. But giving up the fact that you can't control whether they better themselves or whether they allow the new circumstances to push them to new lows really delivers a blow of powerlessness that still really hurts.
You are in my thoughts.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Why does it still hurt?
Because you still love him. Because you still have hope for him. Because you found the strength within yourself to file for divorce......the ultimate detachment......and he still hasn't got it yet. He still manages to somehow blame you for the reason he won't stop. It's not fair to be someones everything........to be their reason why they are happy or sad........sober or not......and it can make you sad for that person. If they could only see in themselves what we see in them........sigh........
Sending hugs your way my friend.
Because you still love him. Because you still have hope for him. Because you found the strength within yourself to file for divorce......the ultimate detachment......and he still hasn't got it yet. He still manages to somehow blame you for the reason he won't stop. It's not fair to be someones everything........to be their reason why they are happy or sad........sober or not......and it can make you sad for that person. If they could only see in themselves what we see in them........sigh........
Sending hugs your way my friend.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Cupi))) Nothing you did or didn't do, nothing you do now or don't do, will change his addiction or recovery. If anything we did would make a hoot of difference, not one of us would be here and our addicts would all be clean.
Sadly, this is his burden and his responsibility even if he won't admit it.
Just take a hug from this codie and know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sadly, this is his burden and his responsibility even if he won't admit it.
Just take a hug from this codie and know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Last edited by Ann; 07-03-2007 at 03:57 AM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
((((cupi)))
Oh, yes...I know what you're saying Cupi...I so know!!!
Ya know, I still struggle with all of this...
divorce is a big step but it isn't the last step in this process...not by a long shot.
One thing I have figured out...is that with each step I took...leaving exah, filing for divorce, the divorce becoming final...etc etc etc, I had this subconscious expectation that each step would bring him to his knees and make him seek recovery.
Yes, I left him for my OWN benefit...and I divorced him for the same reason...but deep down, I expected that these things would shock him into recovery or force him to his bottom...and when it didn't happen, I felt so angry and sad and everything else you describe.
I guess it all goes back to the beginning...You are powerless over his addiction. You know this. Of course he's going to throw the blame at your feet...it has to go somewhere, right? And we all know that he isn't going to own it. No way. Addicts can't take responsiblity for themselves...its all part of the disease.
I know it hurts because you still love him on some level.
But you know...and everyone here knows...that he's just quacking. And I firmly believe that he knows it too...only he can't admit it or do anything to change it right now.
Hugs...I know how much it hurts sometimes.
I hope you find comfort and peace for yourself despite all the quacking.
At least now you aren't subjected to it on a daily basis...and thats a good thing, right?
Oh, yes...I know what you're saying Cupi...I so know!!!
Ya know, I still struggle with all of this...
divorce is a big step but it isn't the last step in this process...not by a long shot.
One thing I have figured out...is that with each step I took...leaving exah, filing for divorce, the divorce becoming final...etc etc etc, I had this subconscious expectation that each step would bring him to his knees and make him seek recovery.
Yes, I left him for my OWN benefit...and I divorced him for the same reason...but deep down, I expected that these things would shock him into recovery or force him to his bottom...and when it didn't happen, I felt so angry and sad and everything else you describe.
I guess it all goes back to the beginning...You are powerless over his addiction. You know this. Of course he's going to throw the blame at your feet...it has to go somewhere, right? And we all know that he isn't going to own it. No way. Addicts can't take responsiblity for themselves...its all part of the disease.
I know it hurts because you still love him on some level.
But you know...and everyone here knows...that he's just quacking. And I firmly believe that he knows it too...only he can't admit it or do anything to change it right now.
Hugs...I know how much it hurts sometimes.
I hope you find comfort and peace for yourself despite all the quacking.
At least now you aren't subjected to it on a daily basis...and thats a good thing, right?
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
My biggest downfall is that I continue to want more for his life or aleast want him to want more for his life. All of this drugging is such a waste. I used to say that I would give up my life for him if it meant he would be clean and sober for the rest of his life. I no longer say that or would want to do that. I like my life and no longer take what I have for granted or want to play the martyr. I have learned a while back that, that wouldn't make a difference because his life is his own to keep or to lose and I am not to blame for the choices he makes or the outcomes. It just hurts, though, to know that your loved one continues to destroy themselves even when you are watching from afar.
I may never be able to express how grateful I am to have all of you and your support in my life but know that you and your loved ones are always in my thoughts and prayers too and you are never alone.
I may never be able to express how grateful I am to have all of you and your support in my life but know that you and your loved ones are always in my thoughts and prayers too and you are never alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
I know how you feel also..and i applaud you for taking the step of filing for divorce. I have not been strong enough to go that step yet. I think it is because i always find hope in our situation today, and also that I am afraid of change and the unknown.
But you are taking care of YOU and that is what you should be doing. He is just trying to make himself feel better because he cant look at himself in the mirror. He cant face what he is doing, he cant bear the pain. And it is not fair to you , that he throws it out on you...look at all you have put up with. Some woman would have filed for divorce a long time ago...you are saving yourself...he made a choice in his life to use, and to continue to use, no matter what.....and that for you is a dealbraker.
He has not decided to get help to save your marriage. He has chosen his first love over you. He is like my ah. He will never in a million years go to a rehab or 12-step program .... He wont do everything and anything possible to save his marriage....and you will and have done all that you can.
So dont beat yourself up....it hurts, i know it hurts like hell....but there will eb a better day...a brighter day and your HP will carry you there. You deserve a good life, a happy life, a life without drugs.
Take care of yourself and remember you are not alone. None of us are alone, we have each other.
But you are taking care of YOU and that is what you should be doing. He is just trying to make himself feel better because he cant look at himself in the mirror. He cant face what he is doing, he cant bear the pain. And it is not fair to you , that he throws it out on you...look at all you have put up with. Some woman would have filed for divorce a long time ago...you are saving yourself...he made a choice in his life to use, and to continue to use, no matter what.....and that for you is a dealbraker.
He has not decided to get help to save your marriage. He has chosen his first love over you. He is like my ah. He will never in a million years go to a rehab or 12-step program .... He wont do everything and anything possible to save his marriage....and you will and have done all that you can.
So dont beat yourself up....it hurts, i know it hurts like hell....but there will eb a better day...a brighter day and your HP will carry you there. You deserve a good life, a happy life, a life without drugs.
Take care of yourself and remember you are not alone. None of us are alone, we have each other.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Cupi,
We hurt because we love. Even after we're able to detach, and to save ourselves, and to protect our lives from the ravages of someone else's addiction....there is still this person floating around in our life whom we love and wish the best for.
It's our capacity to do this -- even after a person has done awful things -- that makes us human. It's our burden, our joy, and our tragedy.
Tomorrow will be a better day
((((((cupi))))))
GL
We hurt because we love. Even after we're able to detach, and to save ourselves, and to protect our lives from the ravages of someone else's addiction....there is still this person floating around in our life whom we love and wish the best for.
It's our capacity to do this -- even after a person has done awful things -- that makes us human. It's our burden, our joy, and our tragedy.
Tomorrow will be a better day
((((((cupi))))))
GL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
I have to agree. I still love my ex & hope that some day he finds recovery again. I was just like "Out", I hoped that my ex would realize I meant business when I threw him out, when I refused to let him come home, when I moved.....but all he did was find someone else to do all the things I did & he continues to destroy his life.....only difference is....they don't love him like I did. And like someone else said...you can't "unlove" someone. It's not easy, but you did the best you could.
Lynne
Lynne
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
When we love the person behind the addiction, it's hard to "let go" and it does hurt. We have all felt that and do feel that.
But you need to focus on you and your life. You can't control your addict's behavior; you can only control how much you let it control you.
But you need to focus on you and your life. You can't control your addict's behavior; you can only control how much you let it control you.
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