a question
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a question
My alcoholic husband is has had outbursts when he is drinking, such as bashing in walls, throwing things, etc. I have called the cops on him, but they never take him, because he never threatens me, or lays a hand on me, but it is still scary.
He never does these things when he is sober, and I am wondering if his behavior is a part of the disease. I am not looking to excuse the behavior AT ALL. I just want to understand where this is coming from.
He never does these things when he is sober, and I am wondering if his behavior is a part of the disease. I am not looking to excuse the behavior AT ALL. I just want to understand where this is coming from.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
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This is how physical abuse usually starts. First, it's an angry outburst that seems out of proprotion to the issue at hand, then it moves on to fists through walls, broken doors and broken windows. Then it moves on to a slap and a shove. Then it progresses to a serious beating.
Just like addiction, physical abuse escalates over time. Physical abuse is a separate issue from addition. Being drunk helps your husband overcome his inhibitions, that is, it makes him feel free to do and say the things he's been wanting to do and say for quite some time. In this case, it gives him the courage to push you around--something that he's been wanting to do for a long time.
Take away the alcohol from him and you still have an abusive husband on your hands. He's a very sick man and is in serious need of help. You are incapable of providing the kind of help he needs. He needs the help of an addiction counselor and a therapist who specializes in helping abusers.
And you need counseling as well to help you figure out why you tolerate a drunken, abusive husband. If you haven't done so yet, read the stickies at the top of the forum, especially the ones that deal with abuse.
Hope you find the answers you seek, realize that you are at risk, and find the resources you need to help you break the cycle of abuse. Welcome to the forum.
Just like addiction, physical abuse escalates over time. Physical abuse is a separate issue from addition. Being drunk helps your husband overcome his inhibitions, that is, it makes him feel free to do and say the things he's been wanting to do and say for quite some time. In this case, it gives him the courage to push you around--something that he's been wanting to do for a long time.
Take away the alcohol from him and you still have an abusive husband on your hands. He's a very sick man and is in serious need of help. You are incapable of providing the kind of help he needs. He needs the help of an addiction counselor and a therapist who specializes in helping abusers.
And you need counseling as well to help you figure out why you tolerate a drunken, abusive husband. If you haven't done so yet, read the stickies at the top of the forum, especially the ones that deal with abuse.
Hope you find the answers you seek, realize that you are at risk, and find the resources you need to help you break the cycle of abuse. Welcome to the forum.
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Welcome to SR Crayzee.
Those episodes you are describing sound terrifying. I think FormerDoormat gives you some good advice. It's amazing what we end up putting up with. For me, I finally just got to a point where I realized that the way he was drinking and behaving was totally unacceptable. Period. I did not deserve to live like that. It's not normal to freak out and smash things etc...even if he doesn't touch you, it's still a form of abuse because he's scaring you.
I hope you keep posting. and keep reading...
neg
Those episodes you are describing sound terrifying. I think FormerDoormat gives you some good advice. It's amazing what we end up putting up with. For me, I finally just got to a point where I realized that the way he was drinking and behaving was totally unacceptable. Period. I did not deserve to live like that. It's not normal to freak out and smash things etc...even if he doesn't touch you, it's still a form of abuse because he's scaring you.
I hope you keep posting. and keep reading...
neg
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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yes very scary but it also points to a serious problem he has had before alcohol--as you say he does this even when sober--may be it is what makes him drink what he feels inside-anxiety anger who knows. The alcohol will make it much worse-that is for sure--be safe
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
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In my experience, I chalked it up to a child having a temper tantrum over lack of control, or plainly...not getting his way.
Not getting his way over sex, money, me working late, me not showing enough affection', etc etc. Does he say he would never hurt YOU, but you just made him SO Mad! and "I had drank a little too much and my emoptions got the best of me!"
A dv counselor asked my ex once (when all he had done was damage property) "Why do you do that?"
His reponse: "Because I just get so angry I cant control myself!"
Counselor: "You cant control yourself? Well then why dont you hit her? What stopes you from hurting her"
His reponse: "I would never hurt he, I love her"
Counselor: "So you can control it then."
He eventually stopped 'controlling it', but my point here is that he had a rage problem and 'felt' as though he couldnt control it (justification)..but he could...so in my opinion, he chose to deal with his anger by drinking, which really didnt help him (bc he became more violent) and it certainly didnt help me!
Im rambling..but I am not sure there is a way to understand where he is coming from entirely, but there is a really good book called "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft.
Its an eye openenr, I would just suggest you not leave it lying somewhere that an already violence prone person would see it
It sure pissed my ex off to see that book!
Not getting his way over sex, money, me working late, me not showing enough affection', etc etc. Does he say he would never hurt YOU, but you just made him SO Mad! and "I had drank a little too much and my emoptions got the best of me!"
A dv counselor asked my ex once (when all he had done was damage property) "Why do you do that?"
His reponse: "Because I just get so angry I cant control myself!"
Counselor: "You cant control yourself? Well then why dont you hit her? What stopes you from hurting her"
His reponse: "I would never hurt he, I love her"
Counselor: "So you can control it then."
He eventually stopped 'controlling it', but my point here is that he had a rage problem and 'felt' as though he couldnt control it (justification)..but he could...so in my opinion, he chose to deal with his anger by drinking, which really didnt help him (bc he became more violent) and it certainly didnt help me!
Im rambling..but I am not sure there is a way to understand where he is coming from entirely, but there is a really good book called "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft.
Its an eye openenr, I would just suggest you not leave it lying somewhere that an already violence prone person would see it
It sure pissed my ex off to see that book!
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
This is how physical abuse usually starts. First, it's an angry outburst that seems out of proprotion to the issue at hand, then it moves on to fists through walls, broken doors and broken windows. Then it moves on to a slap and a shove. Then it progresses to a serious beating.
Just like addiction, physical abuse escalates over time. Physical abuse is a separate issue from addition. Being drunk helps your husband overcome his inhibitions, that is, it makes him feel free to do and say the things he's been wanting to do and say for quite some time. In this case, it gives him the courage to push you around--something that he's been wanting to do for a long time.
Take away the alcohol from him and you still have an abusive husband on your hands. He's a very sick man and is in serious need of help. You are incapable of providing the kind of help he needs. He needs the help of an addiction counselor and a therapist who specializes in helping abusers.
And you need counseling as well to help you figure out why you tolerate a drunken, abusive husband. If you haven't done so yet, read the stickies at the top of the forum, especially the ones that deal with abuse.
Hope you find the answers you seek, realize that you are at risk, and find the resources you need to help you break the cycle of abuse. Welcome to the forum.
Just like addiction, physical abuse escalates over time. Physical abuse is a separate issue from addition. Being drunk helps your husband overcome his inhibitions, that is, it makes him feel free to do and say the things he's been wanting to do and say for quite some time. In this case, it gives him the courage to push you around--something that he's been wanting to do for a long time.
Take away the alcohol from him and you still have an abusive husband on your hands. He's a very sick man and is in serious need of help. You are incapable of providing the kind of help he needs. He needs the help of an addiction counselor and a therapist who specializes in helping abusers.
And you need counseling as well to help you figure out why you tolerate a drunken, abusive husband. If you haven't done so yet, read the stickies at the top of the forum, especially the ones that deal with abuse.
Hope you find the answers you seek, realize that you are at risk, and find the resources you need to help you break the cycle of abuse. Welcome to the forum.
So perfectly put! In my experience crazyee...this is how it started with me. My ex A started with the "throwing things" "bashing holes in the wall" and exactly how FMD put it....it is how physical abuse starts-and even if you take the drink away, you will still have the abuse. It is very scary trust me! Mine when he was done with the throwing things, bashing holes he then went and when that was not scaring me enough or getting a reaction out of me he moved onto my two dogs! One with diabetes and blind making her cry by squeezing her and the daughter doggie he decided she was in his way one day and threw her against the wall! (Along with much more abuse I cannot even begin to mention) Then proceeded to continue on with shooving and blocking me in corners-stopping short in the car with me hitting the dash and winshield etc...until I was pulled down the stairs on my back (two herniated discs).
Honey I'm telling you we do not want to believe that they can do this....we make excuses for them because it is what we do! "he loves me, he does not mean to do this" " I do so much for him he would never hurt me" "He has such a good heart and I know he does not mean it" "It will not happen again" "If he does it one more time I will leave" (and 10 times more we are still there) "He is really a great guy when he is sober" "he is just having a bad day he will get over it" quack ....quack....quack....(that is when we start believing things will change) The only way they get over it and things change is when they decide they need to get into recovery or until we have had enough and we take the steps to stop it! If the police will not do anything then pack up and leave! Or kick him out-
My brother is an A (two recovering) my father was....and I was with two in my life....and let me tell you the A's are the probably the nicest people you will ever meet-does not mean that they are not stuck with issues that are coming up to make them ugly and nasty-with or without the drink-we all have our moments-and can be the nicest of people but if we have those issues that just keep resurfacing we are going to continue in the pattern-and rollercoaster if it is us doing it or the person we are with. One of us decides to JUMP off the rollercoaster and stick to what we need for ourselves that is when the nice nice person stays-all the time!
I do not want to scare you but it will get worse and they are all different in the manner that they proceed with the abuse-it is all scary no matter what but I had a friend and her husband worked with this wonderful girl-well lets just say she got involved with someone that did not drink-he was just an abuser and when she found this out she left him-well when she came back to get the rest of her stuff-at his place lets just say she never left.
We never want to hear things like this but it is reality and sometimes it helps us to realize that what we need to do is take care of US and this reminds us that we are not doing enough to take care of ourselves.
Please crayzee look out for you! (((Big Hugs))) and please go to Al-Anon if you do not already-
Last edited by Rella927; 04-17-2007 at 07:23 AM.
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Originally Posted by crayzee
My alcoholic husband is has had outbursts when he is drinking, such as bashing in walls, throwing things, etc. I have called the cops on him, but they never take him, because he never threatens me, or lays a hand on me, but it is still scary.
He never does these things when he is sober, and I am wondering if his behavior is a part of the disease. I am not looking to excuse the behavior AT ALL. I just want to understand where this is coming from.
He never does these things when he is sober, and I am wondering if his behavior is a part of the disease. I am not looking to excuse the behavior AT ALL. I just want to understand where this is coming from.
Simple answer; yes. IMHO. At least in my experience. Seems to be coupled with frustration. I did find it to be progressive along with the progression of the illness,too.
Stay safe. Usually (not always) helped me to emotionally detatch from the situation (ie not react myself and not join the fight). It helped the situation de-escalate and it also helped me not to wonder if it was partly my "fault'.
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Originally Posted by crayzee
He never does these things when he is sober, and I am wondering if his behavior is a part of the disease. I am not looking to excuse the behavior AT ALL. I just want to understand where this is coming from.
Being an alcoholic I can relate to this behavior. For me it started with slamming doors, punching the wall, throwing things, and mumbling curses under my breath. Then it progressed to damaging things, breaking my ex's cell phone, etc. After that I started getting heavy-handed with my kids, and in the last big fight I had with my ex we hit each other, something we'd never done before. I never thought I could physically abuse anyone until then, and I considered myself a master of mental abuse.
Focus on yourself, stay safe, and make an effort not to engage in the insanity. The disease of alcoholism can escalate very quickly.
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Thank you everyone, for your wisdom. It was not easy to read your responses, but these were all things I needed to hear. I am currently deciding what to do. I feel I have few options, and I don't want to be a burden on my family, but I may have to put my pride aside for a time and accept some help.
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