kglast

hi everyone - i have not been here in a while. of course, trying to work it out with A fiancee. things were much better for the past month or so, but, the last week the drinking has become heavier again and he is not going to as many AA meetings. feeling the familiar feelings - wondering if we/he really has a chance to make it and trying to decide what i can live with and what i can't. we do not live together and see eachother only on weekends which helps me keep a healthy ( i think?? ) distance and perspective. i am not doing well with not being an enabler, however, i am doing better with detachment...i do not want to say good bye to him, however, i can't imagine moving forward (moving in together/getting married) with him drinking as much as he is. grrr!!!! feeling stuck in limbo....thanks for listening......

LGLG07

hi kglast . i can relate only too well .. if you are not ready to say goodbye, then dont .. if you are not ready to move on .. then dont .

my ah is in rehab #4 . we have 4 kids . i finally told him that when he comes out , he cannot come home . i've learned on here that its a boundary that i have set up for myself and my kids to protect us . he fought me on it but i stuck to my guns . Im not ready to divorce him so I couldnt be so drastic as to threaten that if I really cant back it up . i have to tell you , it was only 2 days ago that i told him (on the phone) but i feel so good about it , and still do . i finally took matters into my own hands and am making a move instead of waiting for him to .

maybe you can start by setting a boundary of your own . since you dont live together , let him know that if he drinks when you are with him over the weekend , you will go home and not come back . or when he is at your house he cannot have any alcohol there . something that you think you can stick with , if nothing else , it will get you out of the limbo and make you feel a little more in control of you

hope that helps , lots of luck and i hope you keep posting so i can see what you decided !

chero

Hi KG, It's so hard isn't it!?! I'm in the boat with you. I'm not ready to move on either. My husband is my A and has been for many years. What I know is that you have to do what's right for you. Only you can make the decision to stay or leave. Just, whatever you do, don't neglect yourself. Take care of you. You let you start to slide and it's slippy downward spiral and YOU are worth more than that!!

Love, prayers and understanding! Cheryl

penneypoo

I don't want to come across being cruel, but this guy obviously has a problem. Problems like this excalate, and why live a life always doubting and questioning this guy about his drinking? That's how it will be. You are not married, I'll assume you have no children, don't live together.......you have no idea how much more miserable the situation can get once you feel trapped, or have to think about you children. If I were you I'd read a lot of what's written here before you make a decision to keep this guy in your life.

WhatAboutME

It's hard to determine when you're ready to leave. Your gut, and everyone around you tells you its time, but your heart just isn't ready. And then a day, maybe two or more of sobriety and you're sucked back into the "dream" that things might be different this time. I've been on this roller coaster ride for over 7 years. It's hard. I married my husband in 2000 thinking, no wait, KNOWING that things would be different after the wedding. Guess what? It's gotten worse than I could have ever imagined.

Take care of yourself and realize that many of us are feeling the same exact way as you are right now. I take comfort in knowing I'm not the only one living/feeling like this.

lilac

It IS hard to determine when to leave. But you WILL know when and if it is time to go. Don't rush anything, stay safe, and take it day by day.

We are here for you.

parentrecovers

he's stuck, kglast - in his addiction. but you - you have choices. blessings, k

prodigal

You've invested a lot of yourself in him and the relationship, so it's natural to question if you should leave or not. However, as someone who has been married to not one, but TWO alcoholics, I'd like to impart a little of my own experience. I was able to walk out when I was so worn out, worn down, and just plain sick and tired of being sick and tired that I thought I was going insane. The stress was killing me.

Your fiancee is actively drinking. He hasn't admitted himself to an inpatient rehab. He is not ready to stop. You are only seeing him on weekends and it is causing you distress. Can you imagine what it will be like to be married to him every day? As the booze takes hold, they make wrong decisions, poor decisions, no decisions, or just dump their mess in your lap to fix. Or you'll get dumped on and blamed for their mess.

You'll decide what you want to do when you feel the gut instinct to do it. In the meantime, please don't start trying on wedding gowns. Take it from someone who has lived with this insanity for a lot of years. It doesn't get better until they are willing to go to any lengths to get better.

Sunflower

maybe get some councelling-try and sort your thoughts and feelings out as to what you want to do...thinking of you...

newenglandgirl

Good to hear from you Kglast! But sorry that you are having a tough time.

I agree with what's already been said...it would be a mistake to marry this guy. As far as his alcoholism goes, the worst is yet to come. sigh.

I am so glad, though, that you have the awareness that you do now BEFORE getting married.