Should I

Old 04-16-2007, 04:48 PM
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Should I

I have not been on in awhile...partly because I have had no contact for 3 mths with my addict and I still call him "mine" because I still miss him, the wierd thing is that I don't want him back, but I still wish to help him. In december 2006 he went to prison. We had our last show down in january..he is in prison and will be for the next 1 1/2 to 5 years so contact with him is not a issue, I have moved and he doesn't know my contact info etc. The problem is this, we were still talking despite the fact we had broken up. I felt it best to focus on ourselves because he put me through alot and he had alot of work to do on himself. We would talk about all the good times we had and how we wanted things to be and how I was the love of his life and the best thing that has ever happened to him and I told him I would help him if he helped himself blah, blah, blah. In january he began receiving mail from an ex (long story) he claimed she didn't matter to him among other things. I checked out right there and then. I wrote the letter telling him exactly how I felt about the situation in no uncertain terms, but that I wish to be friends with him when I was over him..for me that meant not wanting him anymore. I guess I felt like I was the one that went through all the bull**** with him, what purpose was she serving? My gut said something was going on. I didn't stick around to find out and I still do not know til this day if they are together. A month later I moved and mailed all his letters and correspondence to him in prison. I told him I was well and held no hard feelings and I don't. I wished him well and told him above all else be good to himself for whomever is in his life. So Easter comes and I mail a card that says, "I still think about you once in awhile and I hope you are okay" that was all it said. I wished I never sent that, the backlash from that went like this: he mailed the card to his mother who in turn emails me telling me he does not want to hear from me anymore..and to stop writing as its best for all..at that I laughed right out loud and told her so..from his mother? I mean he does not know my contact info but still, throw it away or something don't have your mother contact me. I'm ranting
My real question is first what do you think is going on?
And second I know I have things he needs..I wish their was some way I could send it annonymous. My help is pure I do not wish him to come back or anything of the sort, but he is so angry at me..the only one who gave a heck about him for a period there. I was the only one he could call who even cared what happened to him.
So should I send stuff to him that could potentially help or no?...my life is going so well since we split and I have so much positive things about life in general that I could share with him, but if he is mad with me it won't work will it? Its just a shame that help with nothing asked in return be wasted.
Now I will be honest here I do miss things about him, he embodied qualities I wish to find again minus the felon tendencies over his addiction and finally cutting the strings was such a relief, I was truly able to better my life and situation and basically exhale..I am so grateful and thankful for everything. Maybe because of what I went through with him it allowed me to see the beauty in everyday things. I look back on the things that happened and I laugh because thank god I made it through that. Also because I treated him so well I like me better.
What do you guys think..am I silly, wasting my time, energy and love?
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Old 04-16-2007, 04:56 PM
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Yes, you are wasting your time, and there is nothing you have that he needs or that will help him.

Seems like you are making excuses to be in touch with him.

Time to let go, totally, he is not the beauty in life he is the beast.

Focus on you, not him...it's over...

My Best,

Dolly
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Old 04-16-2007, 05:13 PM
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I agree with Dolly. When you are thru with someone and don't even want them to have your address, the last thing you do is send an Easter card. Respect his wishes, if you have things of his, send them to his mom, other than that, leave him be...
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Old 04-16-2007, 05:40 PM
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You guys are right on some things, but a small part always wishes to help..like I said I am well and I would never want to go through that again. I just wanted your thoughts..I have not contacted him since the card in march and my thought was that it would be an unselfish act, cause there is no shortage of selfish people who keep their inner beauty to themselves instead of share with those that need it. Maybe that is not a good thing when it comes to exes,addicts or inmates?...if I still harbored bad feelings about what happened than I would say that I do just want a reason to contact him, because usually one wants that person to somehow "fix" it, but I am not seeking closure of any kind so I just thought..so much for that, huh? As for his wishes..yeah..some other time.
At any rate I wanted opinions and I got them..good, bad, or indifferent. Opnions none the less!
Thanks

Last edited by blue iris; 04-16-2007 at 05:45 PM. Reason: minor detail
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Old 04-16-2007, 05:44 PM
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And I certainly did not intend to imply he was the beauty in my life I was imlying I see the beauty in MY everyday life! Usually things that you go through that are really tough, once you are out of the woods so to speak, allow you to see other things differently that you may have not noticed at all otherwise.

Good day to you both and again and always thank you!
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Old 04-16-2007, 06:27 PM
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Have you ever dealt with someone in prison before?? There is extreme RAGE in the beginning....thus the sending back of your card to his mom, because he couldn't send it to you. My ex did 5 years. The 1st year he was SO angry at EVERYONE!! The next year, he got lonely & bored & contacted his ex. (Way before me) It took him 3 years to finally begin to look at himself. I'd let him go. Nothing you could do or say will change a thing. You have said what you need to say. He knows you think of him. (But you also have given him no way to contact you...talk about mixed messages) Believe me, the best way you can help him....is to let him go. My ex told me that the best thing that ever happened to him was that everybody deserted him in prison. That was when he took a hard look at himself.

Also, I left my ex October 2005 & moved 2,000 miles away. To get even, he moved in with an old gf. For a time I sent him articles & letters & books, hoping something would help. Last time I spoke with him, his mom died on Christmas & I called to offer condolences. Sadly, he is NOT the man I knew. There was a hardness & a coldness in his voice. I need to remember HE has NOT changed!!!

I understand what you are saying, but I would let it go for now. He is paying the consequences of his actions. And believe me, very few women can handle the life of a "prison wife".

Lynne
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Old 04-16-2007, 11:22 PM
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I haven't been in your shoes exactly, but I can imagine how much I would love to help and support someone who is on a path for healing, esp someone I once loved dearly. I have that opportunity with my son now, but only because he is working a hard program voluntarily and we have that mother/son relationship. I struggle daily with my role and have to check my own behavior to make sure I am not stepping in a codie way.

That said I have l have let go of a few addicts, my ex husband and a boyfriend, after many failed efforts of believing I could help. The last time I saw my ex husband, after 8 years from our divorce, he came over needy and claiming sobriety and I spent an hour or so with him after he told me he needed gas money to get back home. I looked him in the eye and said, thank you for this night. I now realize I am no longer in love with you.

I didn't say that to hurt him, it was just a wake up for me. And I knew I could move on without letting him rent out a bunch of space in my heart and mind. I think it did hurt him, because he always depended on me to love him forever and he lost quite a bit of power in that revelation. I did give him $5 to drive home and he doesn't call me anymore.
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Old 04-17-2007, 06:05 AM
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i agree with the others, maybe its time to just let go, if you want to send his things to his mother, i thing would be a better idea for you. maybe its time for you to look deep to check your true motives for wanting to help beyond what it seems wanted from him. a breakup is a very painful thing, maybe it time for you to completely take the focus off him and turn the focus on you and only you. keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Old 04-17-2007, 06:18 AM
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What I read was.... out, out, out of my life! Then this:

"I still think about you once in awhile and I hope you are okay"
From my perspective, a note that is saying just the OPPOSITE.

Sometimes, a relationship is so deep that there cannot BE a friendship and a "happy ending". Sometimes, I have to accept that I cannot make it right and live with that.

For most people in my life, they don't even CONSIDER trying to "make it right" or "let's be friends"... they move on and keep living.

It sounds to me that you want him and you don't want him.

If you want him - warts and all - and are willing to go through the trials and tribulations of loving an unavailable addict (in prison or out, active addiction keeps them unavailable), then that is what you will do.

If you don't want him - and those danged warts - then making peace with that pain will take time.

And time takes time.

Hope this helps.
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Old 04-17-2007, 07:35 AM
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No maybe it was just because I had an emotionally trying weekend as I met up with freinds that I had not seen in a long time and they asked questions about him that I have not really thougth about in a while..I talked about things that I made peace with, but there will always be a small part of me that hopes he is getting the help he needs. Thats why I was asking opinions before I did anything. I don't want him I assure you I just hope he has someone to help him; not support him in wrong decisions like he always has had before..thats all nothing more, nothing less. Help that is pure. I hope if I need help that someone will be there for me without expecting anything back as at those time you usually have nothing to give anyway. Well I said what I feel and thats all I can say.

Peace to you all as our journeys are the same, but not...
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Old 04-17-2007, 06:11 PM
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it is your choice , what u want out of your life.they usual donot get rehab in prison. you take care of yourself & keep coming.let us know how u r. hugs,
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Old 04-17-2007, 06:28 PM
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But there are options when he gets out. My ex used to tell me he had "no place to go". But in a pinch, there are places men can go at least in the city I used to be in. And like I said before...maybe he needs to be in a place where there is NOBODY. He needs to do it on his own. Why help himself if he can always find someone to do it for him? I guess when you are ready, this will make sense.
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