mimi54321

Well its Day 6 really as its 4.30am.

Anyway, so my boyf went out on Friday night and stayed out all weekend and got home on Sunday morning at 10.30am.

We had plans to see each other sat night as I haven't seen him for over a week and we live together.

He texts pathetically on the saturday to say he's too wrecked, on coke and K etc, to come home.

I am seething, crying, screaming and as the day went on thinking it was definitely over between us.

(A bit of history, we moved in together in November last year. I had, for several reasons, 2 months off work, drinking every day in a very dark place. He had to deal with that, and then I had a complete breakdown. He had to deal with all of that feeling helpless. Anyway, over the last 2-3 months I've pulled myself out, got a bit of help and subsequently stopped drinking as it was killing everything I cared about.)

When he stays out all weekend, all I can think is 'I've left it too late', he's had enough. When I came home yesterday morning and I finally saw him, I didn't know what to expect. I was still so upset, we had a huge hug and he said he was sorry for doing what he did.

Anyway, over the course of the day we chatted about 'us'. He said the last 5 months have been hell for him because of my behaviour.....drinking too much, getting into states, falling over, blacking out, forgetting conversations, breaking promises etc.

This I totally accept and understand. He says he felt that my behaviour showed him no respect and in return his behaviour now reflects that. He says he's been trying not to think about it because he feels so much negativity about our relationship. Again, I understand that. At the time I wasn't thinking about the effect it had on him at all, I was wrapped up in my own self-pity and depression. I'm used to going out with blokes that don't give a **** to be honest.

Anyway, I can't turn back the clock but I can change my behaviour from now on. This I am doing and feel strong about it. Thing is, I'm still not sure if its too late for him. Time will tell. I have to prove I can do this for me and for him. But, I don't want to be held to ransom that at the slightest f*ck up he ditches me.

So, we agreed that we'll see how it goes, I'll get a job (which is a huge factor in all this as I've never been out of work in my life), this will give me back structure, a 'social' life - that does not revolve around booze, and boost my self-esteem. So that's pretty much it.

But tonight was the first night we went to bed together without having drank anything and fell asleep together. It was lovely. I think I can salvage our relationship, I just have to stay strong and remember that if it doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be.

Rambling again....

Thanks for listening.

M x

Dee74

Hey Mimi
I'm glad that things are settling for you...

I'm also really glad that you are keeping a real sense of self here, and a really postivie attitude....if intent is half the battle you're already well on the way to where you want to be...

best wishes
D

parentrecovers

hugs to you this morning, mimi - it sounds like you are working hard. i admire you for that. blessings, k

Lollipop

Misty,

Congrats on everything you have accomplished so far! Im so happy that you and B/F were able to sit and chat openly and honestly....this is so important. Keep your chin up and stay strong! We are all here, cheering you!!! Keep us posted.

~HUGS!~ Liss

mimi54321

Thanks all. I'm feeling strong but I know this is the 'honeymoon period' as they say. Scared of it being over and falling back down again.

One day at a time though. Fingers and toes crossed.

M xx

stone

Hi Mimi, nothing wrong with feeling strong even if it is a bit honeymoon period-ish. This is a day by day affair even for the 'old timers'. Just look after yourself and be good to yourself ok?

Tazman53

Mimi as long as you keep your priorities straight, meaning keeping sobriety your number one priority, you will do fine, not saying it will all be peaches and cream, but as long as you are sober anything that comes up can be dealt with in a rash manner. What are you doing as follow up for detox?

Dee74

You're not alone in being scared, Mimi...I worry myself if there's a 'novelty factor' involved...but there's lots of experience and wisdom here...one day at a time is good advice I think

peace
D

mimi54321

I really appreciate all the support. My follow-up is AA, AA and more AA. I'm trying to do at least 3 a week and have made a couple of friends there.

I've been in and out of AA for probably the last 3 years. Going to one or two meetings over 12 months as a half-hearted attempt to dupe myself into thinking I was doing something about my problem. But I never 'got it', never got much out of them, I guess I wasn't ready.

This time I feel a part of it. I really relate to the stories I hear, I FEEL FEELINGS for practically the first time EVER. I sound like a soppy mess but I am letting myself cry and go with the bad feeings instead of drowning them and pushing them out of the way hoping tey'll disappear.

I think I'm happy?! and I love it

Thanks for all the support.

M xx

Anna

Mimi,

It sounds like you're getting insight into the depth of your disease and what problems it caused. It's good to be able to see that and then to begin to move forward, as you have. And, yes, it probably is the honeymoon period to some extent and surely there will tough days, but if you ground yourself in what you have to do each day to stay well, you'll get through it.

Golfman

Mimi,

I say this with all due respect. I see you saying "I will, or I have to," quite a bit. I think we've discussed a support group before. If we have then please forgive me. This is just a suggestion, you may want to try talking in terms of we and us. As one or our posters here has so deftly put it. "A problem shared is a problem halved." Thinking in terms of we takes a little pressure off of you to do it all yourself.

Dee74

Ed's (Golfman) got a really good point, Mimi - for all of us.

I'm all for personal responsibility in this struggle, but it doesn't mean we have to do it alone...

It does my old heart good to see you say you're happy !
D

TINLIZZY

Hang tough Mimi and take care of yourself!

TinLizzy