drainedwife

please share how you are taking care of yourselves in regards to your lives with or without your addicts...your plans for the future..should you decide to leave..and what you are doing now to protect yourselves.
Your stories give me strength and hope for my future. im having problems trying to figure out how to take care of myself when i have been financially dependent on my ah, and still am. its hard when you have no family close by or with the financial means to help you out....or to have a place to go to should things get so bad, you need to leave.

thanks for sharing!

Blackrose2756

Actually, before I left I did talk to a domestic violence counselor. And made plans. I heard of one woman who actually put money aside from her grocery money she was given by her husband. Someone put it to me like this....."how are your finances if he is spending money on dope & booze". And they were right. the only difference is I have ALWAYS been the money earner in both marriages. Don't trust anybody with that. But I did realize that every time he went to jail, I had money left after the bills were paid. When he was home.....I was losing money.

I'll be honest. I worked the Alanon program with an alcoholic & I could stay with him for several years. Crack is a whole different ball of wax. Mine got paranoid, violent, etc. & I if I tried to work my program I was "screwing around " on him.

I finally made a choice...one of us was going to die....and I didn't want it to be me. (Only because when pushed to the corner, I come out fighting. Long story)

Lynne

ConcernedBigSis

I've been making an extra payment on my credit card every month just in case. I also have money withheld(vacation pay) by my employer(my dad) every month that stays in the books until I ask to take the check. As far as having somewhere to go, my parents and grandparents do not live too far from me and I know I can stay with them any time. My car is also in mine and my mom's name(as well as my insurance). All just in case. Right now my husband is clean but if he relapses the money is available for me to pack up the kids and my doggies and leave while he's at work.

whatdoiwin?

hi drained.
i left twice and it was not easy. the thing is, when you have lived with an addict for so long it is as if you have both spiraled down together, sometimes to being at the end of your rope, scared, alone, lonely, angry, tired, wiped out, desperate....

the first time i left i had a 2 year old and an infant. i felt as described above, desperate. we were evicted after a long spiral downward and my using husband wanted to move in with in-laws who were also users. i spent one night there with my children and the next day hubby and inlaws went out for a couple of hours and i jumped on the phone. i had no plan. i looked up shelters in the phone book. i called one, they were full and suggested another. i called them and told them that hubby would be back in an hour and if i wasn't out of there he wouldn't let me leave. they told me there was an interview process of 2 interviews, i hadn't known that. they asked me more questions and i told them i was running out of time. that i didn't know where i was going but i was walking out the door. they sent a cab for me. i was scared and in shock a bit. i had literally one dollar and took a backpack full of clothes with me.

when i got there they did an intake interview and showed me and my children to our new room. it was a 6 month program house aimed at meeting your goals for taking care of your needs (getting state assistance if needed, employment, housing, transportation, support network, etc.) they had 2 group meetings a week, one meeting with your 'worker', one meeting with the child worker, a curfew, chores, and rules.

the first couple of weeks were rough. i felt exposed and scared and overwhelmed. i didn't have a car so i had to walk and take the bus with my kids everywhere. the other women who lived in the shelter weren't warm and fuzzy though after time we all bonded. i had no idea how i was going to take care of myself and my kids.but i did not regret leaving because i knew things were out of control and that it would only get worse if had stayed.
i was in the shelter 10 months. i had counseling, gained quite a bit of insight from the group meetings, got a car, a job, an apartment, made some friends. there were also a lot of really long days that wiped me out and i was still communicating with hubby who was pissed off that i left and using even more.
longer story short, i moved out on my own with kids, was working, hubby straightened up a bit and moved in with me about half a year later.

down the road 3 or 4 years later... the addiction had reared its ugly head again and had gone down the path of hell. this time he was using meth and it was killing him, driving him insane, and i was in a nightmare. i found al-anon. first i learned to detatch with love. i got real honest with myself and started working the steps and got a sponsor. i really wanted a different life...the choice was mine. a year after getting into al-anon, surviving the situation and lining up rehab for hubby, i received my tax return. i packed up once again and drove (this time i kept the car) 3 states away to my brothers house. again there were many stressors but by this time i was meditating every day and really felt very positive. within 2 months i had an apartment and was working full time with the kids in daycare. i was Very tired every day doing it all on my own but i felt So good in general. to sleep when i needed it. to go to the park if i wanted, to have enough groceries all the time, to budget my own money, pride from working and getting paid. spending saturdays making pancakes and dancing with my kids.

it is hard , but i think it's hard for the better. if nothing changes, nothing changes. it's a leap of faith. i remember reminding myself that if i take the step there will be others there to help me. and it was true.

do the best you can for today. love and prayers to you.
-jen

teke

i did basically what whatdoiwin, a few times too. i have kids and one day at a time i became self sufficient, i've been a married seperated single parent of 7 off and on for 21yrs, more off than on. it can get better but the choice is yours to make. i checked with government agencies for housing, food, and once for cash assistance. there are a lot of agencies that may be willing you help you, but its up to you to do the foot work. if you are not quite ready to leave, maybe you could seperate yourself emotionally and when you can set aside as much money as you can, just in case you need it. keep the focus on you and what you want your life to be like in the near future and do what you can to work toward that goal. keeping you and your in my prayers.

sunshinegirl

Life is never easy. I did what I had to Do. Will be divorced in a few months. I feel good about myself right now I have a good job . My kids are now older so It is easy to put in more hours at work. When they were little It was totally different . Like yourself I was also totally dependent on my ah.. Money is tight but we are making it. Try to put something aside if you can each week to fall back on if you need to. It is worth the struggle to have peace of mind and a safe and stable enviroment for myself and kids.
Hard work is rewarding. Lord knows we have our ups and downs , but that is part of life. Everyday I say to myself "I'm gonna make it".

daisylady

I don't have children so my situation is a little different.. but....

I left my AH and moved into an apartment after I got my tax returns this year... I got a 2nd job to help pay the bills until we sell our house. He went to impatient rehab two weeks after I moved out.. he will be out in a couple of weeks and then I don't know what the next steps are... going to a counselor today to help myself figure that out...

So I will make list of how I am taking care of me:
1. Moved out
2. Starting seeing a therapist
3. Read on Sober Recovery
4. Stop buying back stuff that my AH has pawned.
5. Focusing on ME
6. Reading, writing and organizing
7. Spending more time with family and friends
8. Going to the gym tonight! : )
9. Got a 2nd job
10. Read the book "Codependent No More"
11. Started Praying more
12. Sometimes I take days off from work just to do what I want to do.

Good Luck to you!
Tiffany

duet_4-8

I tried to leave my EXAH several times over the 25 years we were together, but always ended up coming back. We have three children. The first few times I came back it was because I believed he was going to change; the last few it was because I had left without a plan, and by that time I had become pretty sick (codependently speaking) myself and was just too weak to carry through with my threat.

The last time I reconciled with him was in December of '03. Looking back, I don't think he ever quit using, but I didn't see it for almost a year (he has never worked any program or been to rehab). I didn't even attempt to deal with it until January of '06; I felt so incredibly stupid for believing him yet again, and way too ashamed to tell anyone that I had been wrong. Again.

I really don't know what the turning point was for me; my father was diagnosed with cancer at the same time in '06 and I turned every ounce of strength I had to taking care of him and my mom. I guess I detached from EXAH without even really knowing it. I was just too consumed with daddy's illness. I took care of him until he died on August 19. It was a gut-wrenching experience to say the least, but God used it to show me that I was a whole lot stronger than I ever thought I was. And He showed me just how sick EXAH was, because through it all, right up until the day my dad died, he never stopped using or laying the blame for his problems on me.

I started saving money in early '06, because I knew EXAH would use financial blackmail to try to control me (which he has done). I asked around and found the best attorney I could, and hired her.

I gave myself a deadline of March 1 of this year, and decided that if he was still in denial about it, that I was simply done. So I filed for divorce, and although it has not been easy thus far, and it is nowhere near over legally speaking, I feel better than I can remember feeling since I met this man.

I have no contact with him at all. I can't. Even though I am convinced I did what I had to do, talking to him puts me in a tailspin in my own recovery. It does not tempt me in the least to take him back, but I get consumed with rage when he starts the manipulations. So I just refuse to talk to him. I let my attorney deal with everything.

I still worry about him because he is the father of my children, and I would love for them to someday have a father that is mentally stable. But I'm not holding my breath, and I'm not taking responsibility for anyone but me and the boys.

First, I let go and let God. Then I let go and let lawyer! LOL!!

unsure of

Drained~

Me i left. i left because my life had become unmanageable.....

I told him to call me when he was clean and that i loved him.

i moved 1,200 miles away and started school and a whole new life.

for four months i didn't here a peep from him than out of the blue "Polly, it's me. I wanted to call you i'm going into a halfway, in five minutes!" As you can imagine i went into full codieness for the next six months he was clean and sober for about ten months than he relapsed.

my heart was once again broken but i learned the tools in needed by going to meetings and reading post here.

he is currently in a halfway house and doing well.

i have maintain myself in Florida and i keep my tools very close to my heart.

my future, and our future

my future is very focused on graduating with my bacholer's and paying off debt. I plan on buying alittle cottage in the woods, starting my career in education and seek a masters degree. My present future really isn't too focused on marriage or children but i know i really want them.

our future is unknown because i know (with what i have learned) that there is only today when loving an addict. there are many things that i need to work on accepting about addiction. Our future is based on honesty and respect for each other. i know to maintian this we will need to work on our own recoveries.

in the near future i hope to make plans to visit him in the next month or so.

if you hae any questions please feel free to pm me

peace