Please explain boundaries to me??

Old 04-15-2007, 01:28 PM
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Originally Posted by chero View Post
Well, I was wondering, would it still be the same for you (or anybody that wants to respond) if you A wasn't an ex??

chero, for me, yeah it would be the same.

in my opinion, a boundary is something you put up, saying "i won't tolerate THIS" and "i deserve better than THAT" and making a promise to yourself that you won't up with something you don't deserve. i would set up boundaries with absolutely anyone that i felt was being destructive towards me and my relationship with them, whether we were romantically involved or just friends.

your thread also made me wonder, would i put up the same boundaries if my ex wasn't an A. and the truth is, yeah, i think for now on i'm setting up boundaries in any kind of relationship i enter. there are certain lines that shouldn't be crossed, alcoholics or not, exes or not. by having in my head what my boundaries are, i'm able to stick with them and not feel anything for anyone once that line has been crossed.
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Old 04-15-2007, 01:57 PM
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I don't get it, you guys. I don't understand boundaries.

Do I say, if you do this then I'm doing this? How does that work?

I mean, how far do you take it. Do I say, If you drink...what?? I don't understand?

Maybe I should start a new thread for this one???
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Old 04-15-2007, 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by chero View Post
...I feel happier than I've felt in a long time. But there is still that darkness underneath that threatens to come out and take me back over. But, today is a good day. Today, I'm choosing happiness...
That is so wonderful to hear, Cheryl, your recovery is awesome.

Originally Posted by chero View Post
...I haven't set up boundaries. I don't know how that works.... would it still be the same for you (or anybody that wants to respond) if you A wasn't an ex??...
The way it works for me is that _I_ am worthy of respect. From _anybody_. Friends, family, spouse, boss, co-workers. Anybody. Whatever problems they have in their life does _not_ change the fact that _I_ am worthy.

I set up boundaries by first imagining what I would tell somebody else to do in the same situation. As a codie I have a _wonderful_ ability to listen to other people's problems and help them find a good solution. As a codie I also have an incredible ability to _not_ do that for myself. Go figure.

So what I do is I imagine that I have a seven year old little boy with me. The "child within" that so many self-help books talk about. Then I imagine that what other people are doing to _me_ is being done to this "inner child".

When I imagine my ex-wife doing to a seven year old what she did to me I get offended. I get disturbed, I want to protect this seven year old in ways that I could not conceive of protecting me. I decided that the next time my ex would go off on one of her screaming fits I would _remove_ this "inner child" from the room and simply go elsewhere. There was no reason for this child to be exposed to such behavior.

I do that everywhere I go. When I go to the grocery store, which I _hate_ going to, I find ways to make it _fun_ for this seven year old to be there. I grab rolls of paper towels and juggle them. (Cynay!!! don't blow my cover ) I stop at the toy section and bounce a couple balls. I stop and smell the flowers in the flower case.

Recently I started dating a charming young lady who has 21yrs in AA. I told her right up front if she relapses, I'm gone. No second chances, no waiting to see if she "gets it", no driving her around to recovery centers. My "inner child" has had all the addiction he can tolerate in this life and I'm not going to expose him to any more. Been there, done that, done with it.

All of this "inner child" stuff is just a way for me to get around my codie-shortcomings. Since I'm not able to protect myself in a healthy way, I just turn it around to take advantage of my codie-strength and protect somebody else.

Mike
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Old 04-15-2007, 02:14 PM
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Please explain boundaries to me??

I don't get it, you guys. I don't understand boundaries.

Do I say, if you do this then I'm doing this? How does that work?

I mean, how far do you take it. Do I say, If you drink...what?? I don't understand?
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Old 04-15-2007, 02:17 PM
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I started the thread, Mike.

Mike, I read what you wrote. I think maybe I see my problem. I don't see the value in myself. It sounds dumb to say that.

But don't you have to at least like yourself to set boundaries?
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Old 04-15-2007, 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted by chero View Post
But don't you have to at least like yourself to set boundaries?

chero, i never saw value in myself either. i needed other people to make me feel good about myself, which is the codie in me.

make a list of things you're good at. make a list of accomplishments that you're proud of. i don't even *know* you, but i could already list several things that i can tell just by reading your posts.

you have to respect yourself to set boundaries. loving yourself will come, gradually, as you put your foot down and recognize what you deserve and what you don't.
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Old 04-15-2007, 03:04 PM
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For me, my boundaries have to be about MY needs, wants and desires.

If I don't want to be around drinking, then I need to remove myself from it. That is my boundary. I don't say - YOU don't drink, I say - I can't be around drinking.

Does this help?
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Old 04-15-2007, 03:11 PM
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you draw boundries on what you will accept and what you will not....
for me it was being able to say ''no'' and being OK with that
telling my AS if you drink you can't live here
while you are drinking if you take the car I will call 911
things of that nature
taking care of YOU
now you don't need to hound the A''you better this or that"
just state your boundry once and stick with it
''if you are not home by 5pm no dinner''even simple things like that
the things that really trouble you and make you feel used is always a good place to start
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Old 04-15-2007, 03:19 PM
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I moved some posts from

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ppy-him-3.html

over to here so if this thread looks a little confusing it's cuz of the copying.

Mike
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Old 04-15-2007, 05:47 PM
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There is an excellent book about Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Although is heavily stresses Christian fundamentals (and I'm not "religious" per se), it's a very good read. Many churches in my area are actually putting on Boundaries courses based on the work of these fellows..there is the book and videotapes apparently. My girlfriend, who is also more spiritual than religious is take the course and has watched some of the videos which she says are amazing. She called me all breathless after one of them to tell me how much AA references were used (knowing of course I am an alcoholic). If the course starts up somewhere again soon, I think I'll take it...it's advertised in our community newspaper under local happenings or whatever. I'm pretty sure the course is quite cheap if not free.
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Old 04-15-2007, 06:07 PM
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There is an excellent book about Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
I've heard them speak and they offer an excellent view of how to put boundaries in place. I'm currently reading another book by them: It's Not My Fault, which is also recovery based....all excellent helpful material.

Boundaries are just a way to protect you and to let others know that you respect yourself.

I use a method similar to what Mike does... I 'take my situation' and imagine a friend in it and that helps me to 'see' if I am allowing behavior that I shouldn't.

A boundary is a fence or wall...and if I don't have it in place anyone is free to do anything they wish. I can place the boundary on myself....by leaving the room if need be or by refusing to join into an argument. I can change the boundary too...because it's there for me! I'm in control of it.

The good thing about boundaries is... once there, I have less negativity around me and sometimes...sometimes, people begin to change how they treat me, which is a nice added benefit but not the motive to have a boundary.
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Old 04-15-2007, 06:23 PM
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One boundary I've put into place for myself is letting others do what they can for themselves. I have to let go of rescuing or thinking they need me to rescue.


I'm also really trying to let other people deal with their own stuff. Too many times I've offered unsolicited advice.
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Old 04-15-2007, 06:34 PM
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If you say to your A, "If you drink..." what is your then?

I mean, you say if you do this then i will do....what??

what would I say??
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Old 04-15-2007, 06:49 PM
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What is best for you at that time? Everyone's then I will do this... is very different.

Is the drinking unacceptable to you? Who is the A in your life?

For me, the daily drinking and behaviors that followed were too much.
I told my exabf I couldn't live with the daily drinking and specific behaviors, lack of other behaviors. He replied he wasn't going to stop drinking. So once I had enough, my boundary was to leave. His actions progressed, so mine did, too and we sold the house and ended things.
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Old 04-15-2007, 06:54 PM
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What you would say would have to be something that you feel is good for you and something that you _know_ you are able to stick with.
Some here have said- no alcohol in the house, or not when the kids are up- or not at all ever. These choices are yours to make.

The consequence....what happens if the boundary is crossed has be what you feel is right. My idea is that it should 'fit' the situation or relate to it according to the severity of the boundary.

Although it's not my job to punish another, when the boundary is crossed I will act differently in some way or put in place another restriction to keep my life peaceful.

Nobody can know how another will react to boundaries or if they will deliberately cross to test them, that's why it has to be something you can stick with...or it's all for nothing and you end up with less respect than what you start with. I heard this in Alanon:"Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."

I recommend you read the book that Nuudawn recommended, I think you will find what you are looking for there.
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Old 04-15-2007, 06:58 PM
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I just wanted to add that you have to follow through after setting the boundary. This is the hardest part, but for our own peace, it's an absolute!
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Old 04-15-2007, 07:39 PM
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Well, Aztchr, my A is my husband. And I have never set a boundary with him.

I'm going to get the book Nuu, recommended. I'll try anything. But I'm scared to set the boundary because I don't think he would respect it.
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Old 04-15-2007, 07:48 PM
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chero, what would you absolutely not tolerate? no drinking whatsoever, no matter what?

start with something small. what's something you wish he would change that you feel you need to set a boundary for? are you tired of doing the dishes? are you tired of vaccuuming? doing the laundry?

make a small boundary and go from there!
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Old 04-15-2007, 07:52 PM
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Originally Posted by chero View Post
.... But I'm scared to set the boundary because I don't think he would respect it...
You don't have to set any boundaries today. Or tomorrow. It's usually best to wait until you have a good group of people in real life that can help you figure out how exactly to set your own boundaries. That would be people from al-anon meets.

Then you can start with a very small boundary. Something that if he does _not_ respect, then you can follow thru with a very small form of protection for yourself. Does he ever raise his voice at you in a disrespectful manner? You can set a boundary that if he raises his voice in a disrespectful manner you will simply walk away, and if he continues to disrespect you then you will call some people in al-anon and go spend a couple hours with them until _you_ feel ready to come back.

That's just an example, you'll have to figure out something small that works for _you_.

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Old 04-15-2007, 07:53 PM
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I can't do it. I'm not strong enough to say it and mean it.
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