SoTiredOfTrying

Thank you for this forum! I have spent the last two days in emotional agony after being told that my BF was involved in a rehab romance several months ago. He has been nothing but awesome since he came home, we spend all our time together, etc. so why do I feel so threatened by this person who wants to tell me how they had such a "very, very close" relationship just between them? My BF is the type who is a rescuer - he feels for the victim - he also is very charming and capable of making friends with anyone. Since they've graduated from rehab she consistently calls him, leaves messages..."maybe we were "just" friends...". He hasn't called her back that I'm aware of since 2 weeks out of rehab.

I am so confused. I feel so betrayed yet I acknowledge that nothing has happened since they "graduated".

It's the trust thing. This woman made it out like he had made her promises, they had discussed their mutual attraction for each other, he was her "strenth and stability" (her words..).

AND, the kicker is, this chic thinks she can sustain a normal "friendship" with my BF even though she now acknowledges that he probably lied about whatever he may have led her to believe!

I'm so freakin confused, embarrassed, upset, sick to my stomach and I just don't know what to do. Can anyone relate???????

hugs

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, tired. it's a difficult situation, i'm sorry. are you going to alanon? it really helps me. keep posting! k

Golfman

Sotired,

It's totally understandable that it's a trust thing. Alcoholic in their drink cannot be trusted. Just because he's out of rehab doesn't mean that he's suddenly learned how to live. Is he going to AA or doing anything to maintain his sobriety? Many times people who go to and complete rehab think the job is over, when in fact, it's just begun. If he is to earn your trust back he should cut off all communication with the rehab romance. She is intruding into your life as well.

It's not surprising that you feel the way you do. Those are all very valid feeling given the circumstances. You must be cautious and make sure you protect yourself. Even though you love him, you've endured much pain. If he is truly remorseful for whatever his did to you while he was drinking, he should be willing to do anything to make amends to you. That's part of the AA program.

Stick around here with us. Between this forum and the Family and Friends forum, you will be given what some of what you need...encouragement, love, understanding, and comfort.

Your friend in sobriety,
Ed

Dom

Just like they said on the Sopranos, their attraction was a bi-product of their progress. Trust will return to your relationship with time, be patient and good luck to both of you.

livefree

I agree. Rehab can be such an emotional time because- all of the sudden- you're dealing with feelings that have been suppressed and/or numbed for years. Further, you are trying to cope with feelings of guilt, shame, regret, and remorse. It can be easy to relate to someone who is going through this process with you. A connection can often be felt that, but may likely have more to do with the relief of being able to articulate your thoughts than actual compatability with the other person.
That being said, it seems as though your boyfriend hasn't been completely straight-foreward with you, this other girl, or himself. You may want to remind him that lying, cheating, stealing, and manipulating are key characteristics of addicts. Even if he's not using, he can still be acting like an addict and ultimately setting himself up for a potential relapse. Encourage him to go to meetings where he can relate to other people.
Best of luck.

parentrecovers

a counselor at my daughter's rehab referred to rehab relationships as "distractions". they keep folks distracted from the work at hand. i ask my daughter often - how is (whatever the distraction is) helping you in your recovery? blessings, k